Topic: What's my problem?
Member # 39526
| Posted: 12:20 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013|
So a quick my story..... I cheated in my perfect wife about 8 months ago. I was out of town for work. While I was there I went out with a bunch of friends, not all of which share my views of marriage but then again some did. I was out at a nightclub and one of the women I work with approached me on the dance floor, we danced and she told me that she thought I was really attractive and that she had been watching me for a long time. I told her I thought she was attractive as well and then kinda dismissed it. ( I know bad move). Then she told me that her room was near mine and she could come over later to hang out I said okay but didn't really think about it and honestly thought that is never going to happen. ( again I know bad move). So I drink more and more with my friends ( not her) and me and my friends finally leave. I am then back in my room pretty much stubbling around when there is a knock on the door ( her ) I open it and let her in ( again I know way wrong move). Eventually we start kissing and have sex. I remember it not feeling real I can't figure out why I let it go so far. I do not remember once thinking that " I want this" or " I don't want this". So my problem is "why??" I take full responsibility for this no trying to lay that off me. But I have never once had or wanted anyone but my wife. I hadn't even talked to this women before that night. I have tried and tried to figure out/ remember what was going through my head that would have made that decision make sence to me. I can't and its killing my BS. I want so desperately to give her that at least and even for myself, but it's not comming to me even after all this time. I have even caught myself making up reasons that I think are real for a moment only later to know that they are not true just to give her /myself something to go with. I am starting IC today we have been doing MC. I have been as truthful as I can be no matter what the price. BS says the problem is I'm not her safe zone anymore ( I totally get that )! That if its just circumstances that lead me to do this then there is basically no hope of me ever being that for her again. I am starting to believe that I am really that big of a pile of shit sence I can't HONESTLY come up with a smoking gun! How could I have done this!!??!! I keep reading books and posts and nothing hits with me, a thousand little things do but not one big ( yes that was it). Anyone please feel free to weigh in on this and ease feel free to say what's on your mind you wi not offend me. I have no pride with regards to my A.
[This message edited by harrypotter at 12:24 PM, June 17th (Monday)]
Posts: 71 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 36033
| Posted: 3:00 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013|
Welcome Harry potter
You will be able to get a lot of support here and I hope you stick around to help through the process. Your affair is oddly similar to my first one except for I wasn't out of town, my husband was though. It seems as simple as all of a sudden one night the opportunity arose to cheat on your spouse and you did it. Like it was out of the blue. That is where you are wrong pal. And so was I. Yes sure it was random. But there was probably months of internal issues maybe even years of build up to that point where the stars aligned to cheat.
Well you admitted to bad boundaries. Can you think of all the other interactions with females that were crossing the line? Look back to how you conducted yourself as a single guy before your BS? Write down and think of everything that can help write your story and give some insight into yourself.
Do you have resentments towards your BS? You can't blame the booze. Somewhere along the lines there is some underlying resentments and maybe you wanted to get back at your wife? I'm not saying you blame anything but there must have been rationalization and justifications you were making so that it wouldn't seem so bad.
Perhaps your A was more about having fake power over your BS rather than the sex? Think about that as a place to look too. I know I felt empowered when I cheated like I was getting the upper hand but really I was full of shit
Maybe I gave you a place to start looking here. I can tell you it takes a lot of soul searching to get to place where you can discover your whys and be able to explain them. It's really hard and I think I'm still working my way thru mine.
WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter
Posts: 848 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 35025
| Posted: 7:35 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013|
I keep reading books and posts and nothing hits with me, a thousand little things do but not one big
When I don't get a hit or make a connection with something its usually because I'm relating it to the act or the marriage or my BS, pretty much anything but me personally. You say you take responsibility then make it sound impossible because you didn't talk to women before or never wanted anyone else. Yet here you are. Why is that? Why are you reading SI and books and not making a connection? Because you are probably one of 2 things, lying or still unable to really look at your actions, your role in this. Or were you involved in the Immaculate Hole in One?
Once I realized it was all me, that it was my choices that got me here, laid bare before myself and BS it didn't all make sense, but I could connect it to me. I could try to apply it to me. It was a start.
[This message edited by hardlessons at 7:36 PM, June 17th (Monday)]
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."
Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Member # 39526
| Posted: 8:56 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013|
Thanks guys, lots of good insight here this is the stuff I was looking for. It's hard for me to know what sorts of things apply, everything it seems. I guess all I can do is keep tearing everything apart until its all down to bare parts.
Posts: 71 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 27650
| Posted: 3:09 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013|
How could I have done this!!??!!
Here may be some places to start..
...we danced and she told me that she thought I was really attractive and that she had been watching me for a long time. I told her I thought she was attractive as well and then kinda dismissed it.
Why did you not mention your W and being M when the co-worker said these things? Why did you not defend your M? A woman you have never talked to before says you are attractive and wants to come to your hotel room at night. That is not suspicious to you?
...but didn't really think about it and honestly thought that is never going to happen.
You did not think it would, but maybe hoped it would? What did you feel when she made this offer? Did you feel attractive? Excited?
So I drink more and more with my friends <snip> back in my room pretty much stubbling around...
Could being stumbling drunk to the point of lost impulse control and poor decision making have played a role? Do you often drink to excess like this?
I can't figure out why I let it go so far.
Come on, really? You let a female coworker into your hotel room at night. You are kissing and fondling each other and you did not want to have sex with your coworker to see what it would be like? to try someone different?
You say you do not remember thinking you do or do not want her. This is pretty ambivalent for a married man. Why would this require thought, why was being with a co-worker an option? Were you afraid to say stop to your coworker?
Separated and Divorcing
Posts: 4132 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Member # 28108
| Posted: 3:41 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013|
Welcome, HP. You've gotten some great questions!
I was out at a nightclub and one of the women I work with approached me on the dance floor, we danced and she told me that she thought I was really attractive and that she had been watching me for a long time
This stands out, to me. I'm assuming (maybe incorrectly) she knew you were married. If so, why weren't you insulted? That seems the default, for me. If someone I'm working with knows I was married or knows I'm with my SO then a comment like this comes across as extremely aggressive and demeaning...an implied assaulting probe based on a comfortable assurance I'll be receptive.
People, for the most part, are pretty hesitant to put themselves out there without some assurance they'll be well received. Rejection is often a pretty huge deterrent.
I can do a mental run down of people I work with that I know would be quite offended with an overture like this so I imagine others pick up on that too.
Have you represented your "company" (marriage) well before this? Can you see actions or attitudes that may have given permission for the her to feel she had an "in"?
Messedupchick asked a great question about possible resentments.
HL nailed it with the connection and focus on marriage too.
So much valuable help here and experienced members with awesome feedback. This place was a life saver for me.
Don't give up digging. That question you asked is a layers thing. The more you search the more "problems" you find. I'm still discovering mine and identifying new ones. Us WS's can be so bloody creative in that arena.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Member # 34782
| Posted: 6:03 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013|
I was out of town for work. While I was there I went out with a bunch of friends, not all of which share my views of marriage but then again some did
What does this mean? What views are not the same as yours? I ask this because my WH tells me a few of his friends are not happy with their marriages. One friend encouraged WH's A. Are some of these friends having affairs? Did they encourage you when the saw the OW come on to you? Did they tell you to stay away?
ETA The slippery slope my WH admitted to was friends not happy and having affairs. Friends encouraging affairs. I am asking this question for you to explore.
[This message edited by Wonderingwhy11 at 6:07 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15
Gotta love the life that we livin'
Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 39526
| Posted: 10:59 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013|
I can answer your questions. My view on marriage is to keep your vows and not cheat. I broke my vows, but that is still and always has been my value. There are in my group of friends some that are not faithful to their spouses. Although I haven't ran into many that encourage it, I have seen a few, but the one or two times I have seen it they encouraged what I would call an outwardly or well know "fellow cheater". In my case I was dancing a country style line dance that was not very " personal or intimate" so I wouldn't have expected in retrospect anyone there to have thought much of it really. I would like to think that if I was detected to be putting myself in a bad situation that one of my friends would pull me aside and ask me what's going on. However I will have to admit that I have seen others that where not exactly close
friends putting themselves in a compromising situation and not said anything. Since they were not really close friends I took the stance of " none of my business". Now, I am in no way advocating that I am less to blame or that my friends should have known my values and stepped in to stop me from doing something stupid. But what's interesting to me now that I think about it is that I would have liked them to, and I feel that I would have appreciated that they did. But, i have never stepped in either I can't say it even offended me that much when I saw it happening. Now I haven't seen my closest friends do it so I know that plays into things for me, but still I can't ignore the fact that I feel like stopped being uncomfortable seeing cheating spouses or boyfriend/girlfriends comfortable even perhaps??
Posts: 71 | Registered: Jun 2013
|Topic Posts: 8|