Every time I think "I've got this, I'm just going to worry about me and move on" he comes up with some new drama in relation to her, missing her, thinking she is looking for him, etc. or he starts acting again like he loves me.
I told him a year ago I wasn't running away and I wasn't giving him the boot, we have a son together and he's the most important thing but at the same time I thought "let him be super dad for a while, I'm going to work on me".
A year later the only work on "me" that I've done is get a year of grad school done (WOOT!).
I've just admitted to myself that I am still on the rollercoaster of emotions, most likely because I am an emotional person by nature, and its affecting my ability to enjoy the life I have.
Started seeing a counselor a few weeks ago. That was a mistake to wait so long. Its like I have a year of catching up to do with her and I made a lot of mistakes in this past year trying to deal with this all on my own (especially if I follow those 180advices).
Anyway - I didn't feel right just lurking around here without saying hi.
I don't have a lot of time for visiting or typing responses. I think I'm too much of a mess to be of any help to anyone else but I'll try and throw a hug and a smile in from time to time.
Glad this place is here.
It can take around 5 years to fully heal from infidelity. Just take one day at a time and continue to focus on you and your child.
D-Day June 12th 2008, D-Day #2 Sept 28th
D-Day #3 Feb 15th & 16th 2010, D-Day #4 Nov 29th 2010
Sorry you spent a year in limboland too. Dealing with this shit is hard enough without having to hand hold the one who is misbehaving.
I hope you continue taking care of you, and congrats on Grad school. He needs to figure out what his issue is. There is something deeper making him want to love this other woman. He needs to understand that and fix it. Is he in therapy? Are you in MC?
If not, then I would say it's time for you to take care of you and your son, and lay down your demands for staying. Be prepared to carry through. Go see an attorney too, find out what your rights are, and what would happen should you have to go down that road. Knowledge is power, and power is strength. Something you will need no matter how this plays out.
He doesn't even know I have IC.
I suggested he get IC because I didn't want to hear his problems anymore since he spent so little time worrying about me. He went to see some nuns. Asked a couple questions, didn't like the answers, never went back, never sought other professionals.
This is not R. This is a painful limbo land for you.
Please reread my previous post, and take action to protect you.
Does he actually tell you he misses her?
I am sorry you are living in limbo. He sounds incredibly selfish and not at all remorseful. Sounds as if he wants you to make the decision to stay or go so he doesn't have to be the bad guy.
You deserve to live a life filled with honesty and truth and not be made to feel like you're the consolation prize.
If you are not happy with your relationship I would implore you to explore this in IC. Staying for the sake of your son is understandable but in the long run could be worse than separating. You want to provide him with an example of what a healthy relationship is.
Congrats on grad school. That is awesome. You should be very proud.
Keep posting and know that we are all rooting for you.
I have worked with a lawyer to "ready" things should I go that route.
Trying to come to that decision is what led me to IC.
tushnurse - the whole last year has been about trying to take care of me. I am still learning how to do that. I've always taken care of everyone but me. So I figure if he's used me for this long I can use him as cook, maid, and childcare while I learn to take care of me. And that is just what he's doing.
I haven't made any "demands" yet. There have been 2 times that I've asked him to not speak to me, leave me alone, avoid me as much as I was avoiding him unless it involved talking about a bill or our son. Both times it didn't take long for him to understand that I wasn't going to put up with what he was doing at the moment. The first time was expecting a pity-party for him, I gave him my "demands" then and told him to see a therapist. The second time was when he was just being plain mean and nasty to everyone (not even just me).
The missing her part was last year. Then there was a dumping of how he feels like he had no "closure". Then most recently as a month ago was him asking if I've seen her and he was sure she was driving by, parking near our house, cyber-stalking him, etc. I told him he was bonkers and needed therapy, again. That was the time he went to the nuns, once. I told him that doesn't count.
I think I'm extra slow in working through all this because I've taken the time to get so busy. I'm not going to put off pursuing my dream career any longer while we work this out (whichever outcome). I'm not going to set aside time to deal with "us" until I've gotten enough time for me.
Its made things slow to a snails pace. I think its frustrating for him, yes, he's rugsweeping (what a great word!). I'm not going to go along with that but I'm also not dropping everything now to "fix" this.
I've been honest with him about all of this. He's now just trying to rebuild a relationship with our son that he pretty much ruined being so self-centered and mean for the last year. I told him when he's ready to admit therapy could be helpful I'll think about putting some time in for something besides me and my son.
You are right to see IC, whether you end up with him or not it's good for you.
As far as his ongoing hell regarding not being with his soulmate, that I would not put up with...if you are intending to stay with him that is not a sign of a long life of happiness.
He can't even possibly know if she is his "soulmate"...he sounds very immature.
As you stated, IC - serious IC - is a must for him.
The issue as I see it, is your level of happiness, and really dealing with all of it. You seem to have been able to back burner the issue for a while, and that has probably allowed you to gain some perspective, but you will still have to work through all the grief and emotion of healing from this, wether it's with or without him.
He clearly has not accepted what he has done, and wants to just forget it. This is helping no one. You get that you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do, and that is vital.
Most likely at some point you will realize that living in this limbo land is just too dang hard, and life is too dang short to be unhappy, and tolerating the disrespect, and not getting the love you deserve will be when something changes.
Keep posting, keep sharing. We all want to help others through this.
I was reading something on a site called MarriageBuilders yesterday.
I was thinking about taking it to WH. But first I wanted to ask him something. It has been a while since he mentioned OW. I asked him where he was in working out his feelings on her rejection. He said she didn't deserve him
I also asked him if he felt that his needs weren't being met in our marriage and that is why he "fell in love with her". He said no, she was just different. He left it at that, no further explanation. I said "hmmmm" and went to bed.
He was like "thats it?" I said "what more 'it' should there be"?
At that point I felt like he hasn't done enough in the past year to be honest with himself so there was probably no point in going through the MarriageBuilder questions as he probably wouldn't be honest with me if he can't be honest with himself.
I've got no problems "unmeshing" myself. If it weren't for my son I wouldn't even still be talking to him.
I think it would be easier to pick up the pieces of my self-respect, self-image, and to learn mySELF again without him around. Instead this way it takes a lot more work with a daily reminder that I wasnt' enough.
I have nearly killed myself for 10 years working to keep my family going, taken care of, while he just flits around in la-la land. I have a lot of regret for lost time, lost youth, lost health, lost opportunity. Those are my issues. I spend time each day trying to let them go.
If he left today I would be ok. The effect it would have on my son would probably make me want to make sure he could never come back but that isn't realistic either.
So for now I am left with keep your friends close and your enemies closer. At least with him here I can deal with problems daily instead of letting them stretch out for whatever length of time he'd be with DS then trying to undo everything.
I am also hoping to encourage him to "find himself". He's been knocking around without purpose for 10 years. If and when he does go, I don't want to be having to send him support every week because he's still a mental mess. I'd like him to be as whole as possible and self-sufficient.
Like he was when we married.
I think what helped me be ready to 'unmesh' myself from him was a good support system of friends who aren't "our" friends, they are my friends. They have been great about making me feel like I have a lot of value beyond wife & mother. They are also quick to remind me when I'm self-pitying to take some action that makes me realize my value - volunteer, give, be there for someone else. And they don't even know about the OW problems, just that I am sad and feeling unloved.
My big issue is trying to get over feeling used. He knows this. I don't think he knows how to fix it and I don't either. But he won't MC.
I'm a pretty loving and forgiving person. If he told me that he was sorry (he tells me all the time he has guilt but never does anything about it), if he told me "I choose you", if he would do the work to make me feel better - tell me he loves me, show me affection, show me I am appreciated - I would be Okeedokee, the rest are my issues and I'll work them out in IC, lets be happy for as long as we have this time and be good parents. But his lack of concern for showing such things, understanding my feelings on such things...that is where I am stuck. I'd just like him gone but I'm trying not to make rash decisions because of DS and let WH have time to work things out in his head. I have to keep reminding myself he's always been slow