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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Having trouble supporting Wh
Daisy312
♀ Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my H and I are trying very hard to R. He is doing everything he possibly can to R. He is te ideal H now, and the few seconds I can dismiss the bad thoughts I'm still so in love with him. Here's the problem. I'm very depressed, deeply hurt, and angry. Lately, I cry a lot, am forcing myself to function. I don't know what I'd be without my kids. My wh is hurting too, and feels like everything he is doing will never be enough. He's lonely, and hates himself for what he's done. I just can't let down my gaurd to be there for him. I feel very cold at times, and I cant stop punishing him. I blurt out my feelings of hurt, anger, discust, etc... How can I heal but also support his healing?

Posts: 259 | Registered: Sep 2012
naivewife
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could have written your post. I wish I had some great advice but I'm right there with you. Hugs to you Daisy312!


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 341 | Registered: Feb 2013
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He should be there for you. If he is lonely and ashamed, he should have thought of that prior to having an affair.

Your feelings are normal and will lessen in time.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be careful Daisy312 that you don't let the rolls get reversed.

Don't suck up your emotions because they are too difficult for him to cope with. At some point, he needs to grow a pair and see that supporting you is the best way to make himself feel better.

He needs to heal himself. You can't heal him. Don't start looking for ways to help him. That won't make him safe for you. He has to do it on his own.

It's okay for you to blurt out your feelings, that's not punishing him.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 834 | Registered: Jun 2012
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Daisy312))

The second year post A was difficult for me. I set expectations for him, myself and us that we were not able to accomplish. It was tough. And then comes the plain of lethal flatness... it sucks.

My wh is hurting too, and feels like everything he is doing will never be enough

Over time.... his efforts will pay off. But it doesn't happen over night- you are not far into the 2-5 year time period. It is a long haul.

You both have to do your own work. He can't live and die on your response to his efforts. Things get better in the small increments of effort and time. It builds, but not always in ways you can measure on a daily basis.

He tore the foundation of your marriage to shreds. It is going to take time to rebuild your trust and vulnerability.

I cant stop punishing him. I blurt out my feelings of hurt, anger, discust, etc...

Your feelings are understandable. But, gently, you can stop. It may take considerable effort and control, but you can. As an emotional person, I am like you. I say what I feel when I feel it. It isn't always a productive character trait.

I look at it like this, if I can control my temper with a screwed up mess of a co-worker. I can do it for my H. Tempering yourself and processing first and reacting later is a big change for a person. But it can be done.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3152 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I didn't connect the dots well in my last post.

I think it's possible that you don't feel emotionally safe with your WH because when you express your emotions, he falls apart.

I think you are probably holding in a lot of emotions that should have been expelled months ago, but you didn't because you were afraid to "push" your WH too hard.

So what has been happening is, you have been trudging along for the last 15 months with a flood of emotions dammed up inside of you and you are dribbling them out, drop by drop.

It will take FOREVER for you to heal that way. In fact, you will probably start resenting him before you ever heal.

Let your emotions out, if he starts to go to pieces, point it out to him. Tell him he has to be strong and support you.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 834 | Registered: Jun 2012
Daisy312
♀ Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone! I have been very free with my feelings, but with two young children I have to hold back an when I let loose, it comes pouring out. He tries really hard but I think he is slowly becoming hopeless. I guess I worry because one issue of his that made him more volnurable to the A was that he didn't really open up or share his feelings. So on one hand I want him to, but then Im mean. LIKED just want my life an myself back! I hate this new normal!

Posts: 259 | Registered: Sep 2012
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so when you say you are being mean to him, what are you doing?

Maybe we can help you rechannel what you think is mean.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 834 | Registered: Jun 2012
huRtZ413
♀ Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i agree with everyone saying its his job to make you feel better and heal you but its not all one sided either.....i mean i know what you mean about feeling cold i get like that but he is trying really hard so i try very hard in return to be accepting of what he is trying to give me . he wants to hold me that ok ....he wants me to reassure him that i still want us and love him (hard to do yeah) but i do feel that way so ill try to show it though sometimes im like hell dude you got some nerve but i do it because in the end i want him and in the end thats exactly what i want his love and attention and to be emotional connected and how else but to try your hardest to embrace it . not saying you arent not entitled to feel hurt and go through you emotions by all mean do what you need to do but if you want you WS why leave them hanging ? just because they did ...we should? if its not you character to show tough love then its not ....if it is then it is . everyone has their own way of dealing with these issues. i try my hardest to embrace because i want to be reminded of that love and build it so yea i feel hurt , shattered and beyond angry about my situation but one thing has remained the same my love is still very strong for my WH and i still want him . so i can work on nurturing the love that we are trying to rebuild or push him away because im hurt and we are at a stand still . now there are times where he says i pull away and i do but i always come back for me its just grieving because we know what we need to fix and we are very much taking advantage of our MC and i just need the love right now so yeah



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the group. My wife hasn't helped me and it has prolonged it all.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to add to Josephine's comments. I am not sure if this is close to your situation. I recently came to the realization what Josephine posted was going on in my marriage. I didn't realize how much I did trying to keep the peace and solve problems for WH. I tried to reduce his stress while my stress increased. Whenever I tried to talk about my stress and needing help I got how his stress was worse than mine.

Looking back his needs were more important to him and my needs did not matter to him. He made decisions against my concerns that made life harder for both of us but never saw the effect on me - only to him. He expected me to do whatever he needed. When I finally realized this I started taking care of me and less of him. What did he do? Starting an A. He found someone who stroked his ego and told him she would take care of him better than me. I never thought he would cheat.

Through MC we are working on reactions to stress and showing empathy. I noticed whenever he is stressed he still throws what is causing his stress on me to handle even when it is something I can't fix. When I tell him I can't fix it he gets upset and will say he can't take it anymore.

Having lived through this I agree with Josephine comments. He needs to figure it out. You will resent having to fix it for him and the reality is you can't. You can tell him you support him but you can't solve his problems for him. You can tell him he can talk to you but he needs to decide what to do.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*raises hand* can I join this group too? I am also having a hard time supporting WH. Part of it is because he is VERY slow on how to repair this mess he created and second I honestly am just in the I don't care anymore kind of stage. Neither of the two are good.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can I heal but also support his healing?

That's not your job.

He needs to be able to continually help you heal, support you, comfort you, have patience with you, endure your roller coaster of emotions, all the while trying to deal with his own guilt, shame, self loathing.

He brought it on...he needs to fix it.

Looking back over the course of 2.5yrs I can say with certainty that my WH truly must have wanted back in our M. He certainly endured my wrath and my complete lack of concern for his needs during those very difficult dark days/months.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 1:35 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't heal your H, and he can't heal you. You're both responsible for your own healing (though you heal your M together).

Anger a year out sounds very reasonable tome, especially if you've got young kids - they take a lot of time and energy, and there really isn't a lot left over for recovering from betrayal.

What sort of help do you have? IC? MC? Babysitting so you can have some time together without being reminded of all your duties at home? Is your H in IC? Do you have any guides for the 'journey' of recovering individually and as a couple?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9990 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Daisy312
♀ Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have tried MC but it's difficult to find sitters lately. We also have been trying to take dates and such but again it's difficult to find a sitter and our youngest is very needy. I think it's because she senses the tension from me. The thing is, it's not that I'm trying to heal him, but support his healing. I know that this is his fault, but I feel like he is hurting just as much as me just a different type of hurt. If we are trying to R shouldn't we be working on our. Bonding and opening up to one another? I want him to come to me and share,but sometimes I get pissed and turn it back on how stupid he was for throwing away 15 years for some ugly girl who was good at ego stroking!

Posts: 259 | Registered: Sep 2012
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want him to come to me and share,but sometimes I get pissed and turn it back on how stupid he was for throwing away 15 years for some ugly girl who was good at ego stroking!

^^^Pretty good indication you haven't gotten all your anger out.

Don't beat yourself up when you have an emotional hiccup. When you calm down and realize what you have done, you can go back to your WH and say you are sorry for attacking him, that what you are actually trying to convey is the EMOTION you are feeling. Then tell him what emotion you were feeling.

Really, that IS what you are trying to do. But instead of saying, "Gawd I feel so frustrated and so angry right now over (fill in the blank)", you are lashing out to express the emotion.

Rephrase.

The more times you can catch what you have just done and go back and correct it, the more your WH will feel secure with YOU. Eventually, you will be able to catch it BEFORE it comes out of your mouth.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 834 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 16

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