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User Topic: Is this really forgiveable?
♀ Member
Member # 17686
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know WH wants to be forgiven someday

IMO forgiveness is not for the offender. Many people work on forgiving others whom they will never see again (either through death or choice). Forgiveness is for the one who was offended. We are all different though and for some to not forgive is how they honor themselves imo. For one this may be easily forgivable and for another it may be NEVER forgivable. The fact that your H wants it bothers me, but that is me and how I view forgiveness. Perhaps finding out what forgiveness means to your H would be a good start and help you see into him better, there are as many definitions of forgiveness as there are people IMO, and it is important to find out the definitions of those close to you and who you share your life.

For me, I looked for nothing in order to forgive, I was one of those who did it early because for me forgiving does not mean I will continue a relationship with someone. It was about me, who I am, my integrity, my belief in grace, how I want to be in the grand scheme of life, not just in this instance.

For me, acceptance has been harder and although I have made great headway it is still a "project" to be sure as new realizations seem to pop up just when I think I am gaining ground.

I believe acceptance and re-bonding, repairing the relationship, is what is necessary to have a R, irregardless if your forgive or not. Forgiveness may be complimentary to R but it is not required. (this is a general statement, for some, due to their beliefs, especially religious ones, it is a requirement to R, but in the grand scheme of things I have seen many relationships thrive without focused forgiveness, not to say that all the work done to get to acceptance and repair the relationship might just inadvertently lead to forgiveness)


We have a tendency to think the love offered us is a reflection of our worth and value.But in actuality,it's a reflection of the person that is giving it.We love out of who WE are-not because of who the receiver is.At least in terms of real love.TSMF

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: how far the east is from the west
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my situation,I don't think what WH did is forgivable.

He didn't fall in luuurve with a coworker(not that that is any better)..he set out to deliberately and purposefully cheat on me. He trolled craigslist,answered and placed ads,opened a secret email account,exchanged texts,pics,and emails with both men and girls(can't call them women). None of this was an accident. It was all done quite purposefully and was cruel.

I have not forgiven him. I doubt I will. He doesn't expect me to either.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:22 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7682 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are your thoughts on forgiving? What are you looking for, if anything, in order to forgive?

I don't think being cheated on is forgivable. But thats me. To each their own.

And even if I could forgive someone for it, I won't stay with them.

But if I were to forgive and stay, then it would take a hella lot of bending over backwards by the WS.

For me it would be access to all her social networking accounts, phone, etc. And sorry to say, the girls night out thing would end up having to be a thing of the past. Once my understanding for a significant other's need to be with friends is taken advantage of and used as a way to cheat, then those days are over.

But I didn't want to live like that, so I asked her to leave.

[This message edited by nofool4u at 9:23 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
♀ New Member
Member # 38119
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWH has never asked me for forgiveness.

And if he did, I don't feel that he has done anything to earn my forgiveness.

Forgiveness should not be given out like candy

Married 6/16/01
10/25/11- trouble in the air
DDay 11/15/11 -she's "just a friend" co-worker
1/18/12 - continued contact - kicked WH out of house
1/29/12 WH admitted to PA
3/7/12 NC letter sent
Working on recovery

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe in forgiveness. Instead, I'm happy to be in a blissful state of indifference where my exwh is concerned.

Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13807 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've thought about forgiveness a lot. I agree it's for the person not the target. I was very conflicted as I felt I had done that with my mother and her flying monkeys.

I think it honestly more of a case of dismissing them and the remnants of their actions towards me. I no longer care why. There is no hatred or even anger left.

Of course she's dead and I don't ever run into the rest so there's that.

As far as my ex. I never opened up to him enough to really register the full pain of his choices or actions. It was like hearing noises under water. While my physical body felt it I had long ago "taught" that device not to really register.

He's not capable of change, or if he is I haven't seen it. I am able to recognize his strengths. Being a good father. His job. I think the distance helps quite a bit. I don't have to see him every day and register new pain.

I think that's a HUGE part. After someone has inflicted so much damage I'd be very raw for anything added by that individual. Probably forever.

The person I did need to forgive was myself. I had to do that for my choices and for tolerating other's actions and behaviors.

I hear that people close to us should have our backs and care about how they hurt us. I just honestly have never believed that. I guess I just saw way too early that there are so many levels and barriers in between they have to break through and handle within themselves to even approach sometimes registering someone else.

I think many people register others on a cost benefit analysis that may be so subconscious it's invisible.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 10:15 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth

Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
♀ Member
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think forgiveness is over rated. I still harbor resentment, and expect I always will.

Even so, H and I have a very loving relationship. I still enjoy a life with him. Forgiveness is the one and only thing I hold back.

It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1787 | Registered: Oct 2007
♀ Member
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgave H twice before we were married for ONS. It took me having my own ONS to be able to truly forgive him. I know how that one time drunken bad decision to pay him back was to me. I can't fathom going back for more nonetheless multiple affairs. I think that I can forgive him for being a drunken, narcissistic, sex addict. He is obviously sick and crazy. I do think that at some level he has some guilt and remorse, but more so for getting caught and losing everything than having the affairs. So for me, I have forgiven him before and rebuilt trust and married him. Am I going to do it again? HELL NO!!! I will take my chances with someone else that doesn't have an long history of cheating on me since the day that we met. Has this changed my H and he may never cheat on anyone again. Maybe, who knows. I hope so. I know that I can never love him like I did before, will never trust him again, and I choose to not allow myself to go back down that road. I have cried myself to sleep for 14 years because I felt so least now I know why. Will I always have resentments...absolutely.

2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced

Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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