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User Topic: Reclaiming trigger locations.
naivewife
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Reclaiming" is the word my therapist used for going to the places around our little town that WH and OW did their nasty shit in. Today I made the first move towards doing that. I would love to simply avoid those places for the rest of my life, but because they used the town recreation area, the elementary school parking lot, and a spot that is part of a favorite walking path, I really have to do this, since we have two small children who will want to be in these places in the next few years. In short, it was hell. I had to swallow back vomit and let a lot of tears flow. I walked with WH and the boys, our oldest was in the stroller so he couldn't see me crying. For the few minutes I was there, I felt hatred towards WH, and extreme hatred towards OW. I wanted to scream at him to just go away and never come back, go to her, his whore, because that's what he deserves now. Not us. The spot that used to be a beautiful, peaceful place by the river looked dirty, run down, and sinister.
And now I've calmed down from our little field trip.
Has anyone else had similar experiences? Or is anyone avoiding places that are triggers? Has anyone gone through this and has gotten more comfortable with these places? I don't want to start sobbing and possibly vomiting every time I drop the kids off at swimming lessons. I sort of wish we could move.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 341 | Registered: Feb 2013
brokenniceguy
♂ New Member
Member # 39195
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The place we first kissed and later got engaged is one block away from where one of the "times" was.

I know I will end up there someday but I can't even put the thought in my head yet for exactly the reason you describe. Not sure if I want to go alone or bring the WS along. Neither sounds appealing now.

Good for you for going at this head on.


Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there are, at last estimate, 14 places around town where he took these two skanks. Our MC suggested we reclaim them. He hasn't asked me to go to any of them yet and I'm not sure I could....
these are very popular places around town - the University, many bars in our small downtown area... one was the restaurant my best friend and her husband own. Crushed.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

ôSlide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4536 | Registered: Dec 2010
BeautifulEmpty
♀ Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate this but I do think its necessary because I don't want to give an inch of my life and space to them and what they did.
With that said, it can be incredibly hard to do and while I've done some, I've got a list of places to take back still.


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 241 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
Bravenewgirl
♀ Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I so hear you.

There was a favorite walking trail of ours next to a river and a beach where we had taken DS every summer weekend since he was a baby.

The very first time I went out of town after the A started, he took her there and fucked her against a tree. She was kind enough to describe it for me in the letter she gave me outing the affair.

I don't think I will ever be able to reclaim it. Its like the whole area is seething with disease or something. I am just so angry that he had to ruin a sacred family space for both me and DS.

I commend you for having the courage to go to those tainted places and make them your own again.

(((((nw))))))))))


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been doing this. I even traveled over 400 miles from my home to be where my H was working when he met with most recent OW. I did not stay where they did (I would NEVER put my kids in a place like that), but even thinking about driving by it makes me feel sick. I also do not drive by local OW's house because I know that's where they were together. Everywhere else, I've managed to do ok with. Repeated exposure with good company and good memories to replace the trash. That's what has helped.

Posts: 1010 | Registered: Jan 2013
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. I reclaimed every place. It was hard. I made him walk me through each place what had happened, what was said, exactly where they were, etc. Multiple times before we went to the places, and then again, as we trod the same footprints that they did.

I'm somewhat stubborn. And highly territorial. I did not want there to be One Single Place that he could fanaticize about, have a memory about, that did not have my face imprinted on it. So I essentially went and remarked my territory.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4588 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Ashland13
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Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard to remember that there were times before an A occurred. Perv found someone hours away and if "it" was anywhere near where I and DD live, I don't want to know. I don't have much I am in the dark about, but from behavior I saw during false R, I would say "It" (OW) has been local. Seeing friends once over holidays and false R lead me to believe the same and the last workplace is very suspicious, based on absences and the way that job ended.

Anyway...

This is important to do and so very, very hard.

I don't know if it helps any, but something I do is wrack my brain for anything on earth-or in the sky-about a trigger that was in my life, or I knew, prior to even knowing him. I was a kid then, but I know there are things in the universe that didn't and don't have to do with him and I play a game in my mind if a trigger or trigger place is upon me.

I put in place the prior experience and don't let him in my head when I am there.

In the spring this year, I attended a concert of my father and his GF, trying to support them back. I was not surprised that they didn't tell me it was half love songs and damned if I didn't sit there with tears streaming down my face for some of it. It was jam packed and many people stared at me. Some strangers hugged me and one elderly lady put her arms around me for the rest.

But you know, I didn't leave? I managed to stay for the whole thing and by the end I wasn't crying, just very pent up like a spring.

A massive trigger is anything romantic-couples, kissing, a card at the store, people holding hands-it makes me vomit to see and there I sat for over two hours listening to love songs sung by choirs.

Now that I'm on the other side I have a tiny bit of pride, though don't know when I'll get the courage to go again.

Thanks for anyone who reads my long post and I give tremendous credit to anyone who lets themselves attempt this humungous feat.

I'm sorry for all of you who had it happen near where you live or at places you frequent.

Some things I cannot do still because of triggers, but am told not to push them.

I wish everyone luck trying to reclaim their spots and I thank Skan for the snicker I got from that post about remarking our territory-it's not far off.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Ladyogilvy
♀ Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried to do that. Honestly, I think I did it too soon after DD and made them into bigger triggers than they already were.

I also had a reaction to the music camp I went to with my son last week. I did end up in tears listening to some songs. We were already ambivalent about staying the whole week for a few reasons. At that moment, I knew I wasn't holding up well and leaving was probably th best thing to do. I didn't tell anyone that was part of why we came home early. We missed my other son and it was WH's B-day the next day and my musician son was not attached to staying longer. Those were enough reasons.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 7:31 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
mentalmess
♀ Member
Member # 31296
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We did this. It was cathartic for me. They spent time in the woods but everywhere he took her we had already been many times over the years. I drew the line at getting screwed in a filthy truck shop or his work suv that smelled of diesel and garbage. Apparently his unpaid whore had low expectations. The one hotel they had a night in was not so nice so we planned a stay at a golf resort she had wanted him to take her too. Besides the golf we had couples massages and a great dinner.
I'm sorry you had such a bad reaction. Maybe it is a little too soon for you to attempt this. I could not have handled it for at least a year. I have wonderful memories to draw on now and remind myself that I'm the prize and the trash has been taken out.


Me BS 50
Him WS 48
OW 57 Boiling bunnies non stop for months!
M 25 years
LTA 5 years
DDay 1/5/2011
R'ed, very happy and we are enjoying his early retirement!

Posts: 83 | Registered: Feb 2011
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to reclaim my bed, his wedding ring and a road. I did them when I was ready. I am a stubborn fool, no way was his c^%t getting to claim any of those from me. They were and ARE once again MINE. It took a few times on the ring and the bed is still sometimes an issue but it's getting better.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 758 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
brokenniceguy
♂ New Member
Member # 39195
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the perspective Skan. I think WS will do some traveling with me. She needs to come along to help us both heal and continue to grasp what all the consequences really are.

This sh!t sucks and I never knew I could feel like puking for so long.


Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2013
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I was triggered by locations, I would be triggered in my own house.

That being said, I suffer from OCD and have to constantly talk myself out of obsessive, intrusive thoughts (not affair related).

Since you knew these locations prior to him tarnishing them with an affair- my suggestion would be to not let yourself think about it in the affair context. When you feel those thoughts creeping up, say, "No, I'm going to choose to think about how beautiful this trail is,". Or, "I'm going to choose to think about my kids going to their first day of school, and me dropping them off in this parking lot." It takes a lot of work. You will feel crazy talking to yourself- but over time it does help.

Hang in there!


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..
This sh!t sucks and I never knew I could feel like puking for so long.

..this is how i feel whenever we have to park in an underground lot..

..it's not something i want to re-claim, ..just a necessary evil from her A..

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
NotDefeatedYet
♂ Member
Member # 33642
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never knew what a panic attack was until I got close to where took a dump all over our marriage. The last time I even got close I was ready to jump out of the car. We have to drive 10 miles out of the way every time we go that direction. I will never go to that area again for the rest of my life.


"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart."

Posts: 767 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Texas
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sort of wish we could move.

6mo post Dday and this ^^^ is exactly what we did. I knew on Dday I could never remain in that State, fortunately we were not from there, so we moved. Absolutely no regrets and I am so thankful that it was easy for us to do.

Everyone is different. I do believe that there are people who can "reclaim" locations and eliminate triggers. For me this would be extremely difficult and there was not way I would even try.

I told my WH to get a new job and get us the hell out of there.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2094 | Registered: Nov 2011
louisianamp
♂ New Member
Member # 39548
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my first post. So bear with me. My WS did all of her nasty outside the state, to the best of my knowledge. What I'm trying to reclaim is places around this little town that were "ours". The place that was the hardest was a place we used to go to listen to music. I eventually talked her into singing there as well. She had a beautiful voice. This also happens to be the last place I saw her before she left to move out of state before the D. It took me almost a year, and 3 trips, but I finally can go there and enjoy the music. I'm reclaiming trigger locations one at a time. I just know it will take time, cause each one brings up memories, and brings me down for a while. Keep plugging, is my best advise.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Louisiana
Topic Posts: 17

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