I know I will end up there someday but I can't even put the thought in my head yet for exactly the reason you describe. Not sure if I want to go alone or bring the WS along. Neither sounds appealing now.
Good for you for going at this head on.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.
There was a favorite walking trail of ours next to a river and a beach where we had taken DS every summer weekend since he was a baby.
The very first time I went out of town after the A started, he took her there and fucked her against a tree. She was kind enough to describe it for me in the letter she gave me outing the affair.
I don't think I will ever be able to reclaim it. Its like the whole area is seething with disease or something. I am just so angry that he had to ruin a sacred family space for both me and DS.
I commend you for having the courage to go to those tainted places and make them your own again.
I'm somewhat stubborn. And highly territorial. I did not want there to be One Single Place that he could fanaticize about, have a memory about, that did not have my face imprinted on it. So I essentially went and remarked my territory.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
This is important to do and so very, very hard.
I don't know if it helps any, but something I do is wrack my brain for anything on earth-or in the sky-about a trigger that was in my life, or I knew, prior to even knowing him. I was a kid then, but I know there are things in the universe that didn't and don't have to do with him and I play a game in my mind if a trigger or trigger place is upon me.
I put in place the prior experience and don't let him in my head when I am there.
In the spring this year, I attended a concert of my father and his GF, trying to support them back. I was not surprised that they didn't tell me it was half love songs and damned if I didn't sit there with tears streaming down my face for some of it. It was jam packed and many people stared at me. Some strangers hugged me and one elderly lady put her arms around me for the rest.
But you know, I didn't leave? I managed to stay for the whole thing and by the end I wasn't crying, just very pent up like a spring.
A massive trigger is anything romantic-couples, kissing, a card at the store, people holding hands-it makes me vomit to see and there I sat for over two hours listening to love songs sung by choirs.
Now that I'm on the other side I have a tiny bit of pride, though don't know when I'll get the courage to go again.
Thanks for anyone who reads my long post and I give tremendous credit to anyone who lets themselves attempt this humungous feat.
I'm sorry for all of you who had it happen near where you live or at places you frequent.
Some things I cannot do still because of triggers, but am told not to push them.
I wish everyone luck trying to reclaim their spots and I thank Skan for the snicker I got from that post about remarking our territory-it's not far off.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
I also had a reaction to the music camp I went to with my son last week. I did end up in tears listening to some songs. We were already ambivalent about staying the whole week for a few reasons. At that moment, I knew I wasn't holding up well and leaving was probably th best thing to do. I didn't tell anyone that was part of why we came home early. We missed my other son and it was WH's B-day the next day and my musician son was not attached to staying longer. Those were enough reasons.
[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 7:31 PM, June 17th (Monday)]
[This message edited by mentalmess at 3:04 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]
This sh!t sucks and I never knew I could feel like puking for so long.
That being said, I suffer from OCD and have to constantly talk myself out of obsessive, intrusive thoughts (not affair related).
Since you knew these locations prior to him tarnishing them with an affair- my suggestion would be to not let yourself think about it in the affair context. When you feel those thoughts creeping up, say, "No, I'm going to choose to think about how beautiful this trail is,". Or, "I'm going to choose to think about my kids going to their first day of school, and me dropping them off in this parking lot." It takes a lot of work. You will feel crazy talking to yourself- but over time it does help.
Hang in there!
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
..this is how i feel whenever we have to park in an underground lot..
..it's not something i want to re-claim, ..just a necessary evil from her A..
I sort of wish we could move.
6mo post Dday and this ^^^ is exactly what we did. I knew on Dday I could never remain in that State, fortunately we were not from there, so we moved. Absolutely no regrets and I am so thankful that it was easy for us to do.
Everyone is different. I do believe that there are people who can "reclaim" locations and eliminate triggers. For me this would be extremely difficult and there was not way I would even try.
I told my WH to get a new job and get us the hell out of there.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.