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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Should I respond?
Must Survive
♀ Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have received 2 letters from my lawyer. In them are copies of STBXH lawyer letters. In both, his lawyer says that he wants me to allow DS(16) to spend more time with him. WTF?
The one I received today "Mr a$$hole would appreciate if your client will allow the son to spend more time with him. Could you arrange it without a referral to family court services? Thank you.

I don't get involved with when DS sees his father. DS has his own cell phone (paid by me) and responds via txt or phone regarding times spent with his father. I told my lawyer after the first letter, the above. DS does not even ask permission. He just mentions when he has plans with his father. I don't tell him he can or can't go. I'm not involved at all.

So of course every letter, email etc costs me $. Should I respond or just not worry about it. I am pissed because I am sure STBXH thinks its all me, the reason he is not seeing his son. Not that his son does not want to see him.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 785 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How old is your son?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh. Duh. I see now that he's 16-years old.

I don't think you have a choice. You need to respond, otherwise you're being threatened with a custody battle. That's what he means by the "referral to family court services", isn't it

But your response needs to go through your lawyer. How did your lawyer respond the first time?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be very clear that you absolutely allow DS16 to spend time with his father - they communicate directly and you have nothing to do with it.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4614 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
TrustNoOne
♀ Member
Member # 16591
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, would communicate exactly as persevere suggests and I would do so exactly once.

At 16, depending on the area in which you live, the young man may be permitted to make his own decisions regarding with whom he lives; with whom and how often he communicates; and where and with whom he visits and socializes.

Unless you are willfully and intentionally obstructing a relationship between your son and your XH, I think your XH will do more to damage a relationship with your son if he drags him through family court, evaluations, assessments, etc.

16 y/o's have friends, social engagements, sports, part-time jobs, and so on. They naturally tend to spend less time with Mom or Dad at this point...no ill-will. No favoritism. No purposeful avoidance. It's part of growing up.

I'd wonder if this is your XH's way of keeping you engaged, entangled and spun up - rather than really about more time with his son.



Posts: 1326 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: SoCal
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd wonder if this is your XH's way of keeping you engaged, entangled and spun up - rather than really about more time with his son.

I agree he sounds like he's bored, just trying to start an argument to get you engaging, or maybe he realizes that he screwed his relationship up with his son, but he wants it to be anyone's fault but his own..

If the relationship is how you describe, then if he wants to spend more time with your son, why doesn't he just ask him??

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 11:13 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Must Survive
♀ Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Butterflygirl: I have had no contact for a year. I can't imagine he is smart enough to have his lawyer make comments like this, expecting me to do anything. All contact for the past 1 year has been through lawyers. STBXH does ask (occasionally for additional time. DS says no.

I just think STBXH does not realize the damage he did to his relationship with his son, and thinks its all my fault. Which makes me mad.

FYI, my first marriage, 3 kids. Full communication and still friends with X. The kids saw their dad anytime he/they wanted. They still spend time with him. AND 1st X and I are friendly, sit together at graduations, bdays, baby showers, baby births etc. I think STBXH thought that was how I would be with him. NNOOTT. I guess what I am saying, is I know how to make sure kids have relationship with their dad, I have done it before. I suspect STBXH is mad because he thought it would be the same for him. He did not take into account how his DS would react.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 785 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh brother ... I'm in the same boat as you MustSurvive!! Why why why do they think they can destroy their family and then expect the kids/teens to carry on a relationship as if nothing changed??? I truly don't understand their thinking.

My stbx thinks that it is my fault that the kids don't want anything to do with him. They each have their own phone and are able to call or text him if they wanted to. How do you force a teen to spend time with their dad? How would forcing them help their relationship?

In our state, you can't force a teen to call or visit. I like and agree with TrustNoOne's response. I also think he wants to piss you off.

I'm just curious how you were able to be on friendly terms with first husband? I just don't see myself doing what you do with your first husband.


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2271 | Registered: Oct 2012
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A thought occurred to me: is it possible that your DS is using you as an easy excuse to get out of seeing his father?

"Sorry Dad, I'd love to go, but Mom said I cant that day".

Either way, I think 16 is old enough to be able to decide if he wants to go or not- and most courts listen to/recognize the teen's desires in visitation etc.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6540 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Must Survive
♀ Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dmari,

First X did not cheat. We had tried to work things out. Wasnt going to happen. He did have the Peter Pan issue, and left like a chicken shit. BUt, he treated me with respect. We were married for 14 years, just were not right for each other. I cared more about my kids then I did about making him hurt. Same thing with my DS. When this all started I told him that no matter what my relationship was with his father, he was still his dad. And my DS looked at me and said "mom" you can have whatever relationship with dad as you want. I will chose what kind of relationship I have with him and I will deal with him how I want."
At that point, all I do is support my DS, talk to him, help him when he questions his choices etc. I have had multiple teachers, counselors tell me that he is very mature for his age and that he is processing ok.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 785 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
Must Survive
♀ Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gabybaby,

I doubt DS would use me as an excuse, but worth me asking him to be sure.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 785 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is just an idle threat honestly. No judge will force a 16 year old to spend time with their father.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3415 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 12

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