First, start reading in the Healing Library. It's in the little box on the top left of the page.
Secondly, go see a lawyer and find out your rights. Find out what you can expect from a divorce. It is important to do this so you have no fears about leaving your WH. It does NOT mean you have to leave him.
Thirdly, take care of yourself. You are priority number one right now.
Is he completely transparent with you? Do you have total access to his phone, email, facebook, etc? Is he answering all your questions? Does your gut tell you he is remorseful? If you answer No to any of these questions, please reconsider staying with him.
You are young, you have been married a very short period of time. Your children are infants. I think there are many of us who would walk away if we were in your position. There are many normal men out there who would NOT behave as your spouse has.
It is not a good sign that he moved out in May, came back and yet was continuing his A.
It is abusive that he flew off the handle when you confronted him. It was deceitful that he than lied about it.
I hope you realize your WH has problems and his A has nothing to do with you, your personality or your looks. It is more likely that he has an insatiable need to have his ego stroked.
[This message edited by Jospehine85 at 8:15 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 12:10 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
* I think you need to get to a MC - if he is unwilling then get to a D attny - know your rights
* That he "flew off the handle" is aggressive posturing - if you back down he'll know the next time to do it again - don't back down
* Most WS A down
* You have 2 infants so please be mindful of your drinking - H can also hold that against you should you move toward D
* Read up on the 180 - it works
* If you have family support in your area use them - living in betrayal mode is exhausting - drop off your twins and try to sleep
* Ruminating is natural - eventually those mind movies lose their sting
* Do whatever you can to get full disclosure - what you learn will hurt but what you don't learn yet suspect will haunt you for a long time
* take care of yourself first and foremost
Good luck and hang in there...
I am so sorry this had happened and that your find yourself here. It is a safe place that is filled with people who care.
It is normal to have ambivalent feelings towards your spouse who has betrayed you. We're often not really sure what we want. We weren't prepared for such betrayal.
We're not even sure sometimes if we really still love our spouse or not. Frankly, we are confused. How do we know whether we should stay or go?
You don't have to make any decisions right now on staying or going.
Please see a IC. You need time and help to wrap your head around what has occurred.
Any decision should be based on if your husband is truly remorseful for what he has done or if he is just sorry he got caught.
Is your husband willing to discuss the affair or put the effort into improving the marriage?
•Make your OWN decision.
•Do not rush the decision.
•Get as much information as possible.
•Do not make this decision based solely on emotional factors, nor solely on practical factors.
Questions to Help You Decide:
1.Is your spouse willing to talk about what happened, to try and learn from it, to avoid future affairs and to improve the marriage overall?
2. Is there a willingness to acknowledge the fact that attractions to the opposite sex are normal and will likely happen again in the future
3. Is there a plan for ongoing discussions regarding how these future temptations will be handled?
4. Is there a commitment to honesty and communication as a basis for your marriage, rather than simply a promise for future monogamy?
5.Is there evidence of willingness for ongoing honesty on topics other than affairs? (If there is not honesty about other issues, there is little likelihood that there will be future honesty about affairs.)
6.Even if there is little evidence of the above at this time, does it seem reasonable to think that you will be moving towards these things in the future? Change of this kind doesn't happen overnight, but there needs to be hope for the future.
In the end, each person is responsible for making their own decision (regardless of the opinions of friends, family, professionals and the general public), because they have to live with the choice they make. It takes strength and clear-headedness to assess the situation and do whatever is best for you.
It is a lot to absorb so take your time. One day at a time.
If you are having trouble sleeping see your doctor. Infidelity takes it's toll on your body, mind and soul.
Deep breaths and know that we are all here for you.
(((hugs and prayers)))
I also wanted to say....CRY!! CRY CRY!! It's okay to cry. I didn't the first time my husband and I separated, and now see that I needed to cry. In fact, I spent 5 hours doing so, last Wednesday, and I'm not ashamed. It needed to be done!
It does become less, over time. I'm a month post finding out about his affair, and already I cry a little less everyday.
The sleep thing will balance out, but be careful with the drinking, you are all your babies have. I have had two nights of drinking since the seperation, and I did was wake up with a hangover, feeling worse. Your dr can help you with a sleep aid, or maybe a referrel for someone to talk to ( im not sure how the american health care system works)
Take care, hug them babies!!!!!!
They always affair down.
Who else would do such an odious act as fu**ing a newlywed husband in his house!?! UGH!
Just guttersnipes and cumdumpsters!!!
I hope that someone comes along and bumps the thread "Honey, they always affair down"
A great post here on SI.
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.