She does want you to feel sorry for her because then she is off the hook.
She is not close to remorseful she wants to rug sweep this and get back to life previously in progress.
Keep the 180 in motion and tell the other spouse now.
Going from lying to you to 'sorry' in the space of mere hours is not remorse.
It's only confusing to you.
There are times when the whole surreal package, makes your brain stutter.
I remember a really calm moment hit me in the midst of an argument when the bullshit was flying like a troop of crazed monkeys... It was like an out of body experience,
I remember wanting to reach out and rap my WH on the forehead just to see if there was anything real or vaguely human there.
And I had the distinct impression that if I looked really hard, I'd find a curtain with some cowardly old geezer pushing button, pulling levers, and screaming into a microphone.
Until she gives you something real - you got nothing to work with.
You have received the greatest of advice from many veterans who have experienced your very situation. I have been through an almost identical situation as well.
That said, I cannot emphasize the following enough:
1) File for divorce IMMEDIATELY.
2) Have her served with the divorce papers.
3) If you are inclined to want to attempt reconciliation, then inform her adultery partner's wife IMMEDIATELY. So long as his wife doesn't know, you can count that their delusional fantasy is still in play.
4) The sooner you do this the better. More than likely, she will really feel the guilt and shame after the consequence of seeing the real, authentic Dissolution of Marriage Petition papers in her hands. This period of guilt and shame can be leverage in getting a more favorable out-of-court settlement for you. Believe it or not, since she is not working, you will probably end up being forced to pay all her legal fees and for all mediation fees. Completely unjust, but the courts do not give a shit in a no fault state.
And, ALWAYS keep in mind that her having an affair has/had NOTHING to do with YOU or YOUR MARRIAGE.
Infidelity is a not a marital problem - it is a PERSONAL problem.
Not really getting true remorse here are you? The reality of divorce, going to work and earning a living is now dawning on her. The problem is if you dont deal with the issues at hand, you'll never be in a position to know whether R is genuine or not.
I don't know but, i had to realize that my H was actually so deceitful I would have never believe what he was capable of unless I had seen it with my own eyes! Proceed with extreme caution!!!!
Dude....is your wife still in any contact with her little BF??? Any at all??? Are you sure???
Your wife is NOT a good source of this information....cheaters lie!!!
Do you have access to her cell phone records???
Come on Bro...she may be "humping your leg".....
Hell...I understand "not wanting a divorce"....I truly do.....but I wanted to share my wife even less...BTDT!!!
My bullshit meter is really twitching.....be careful...
Keep us posted....
[This message edited by bufffalo at 1:00 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]
Because your attorney told you not to thinking it may give you leverage if comes to an actual divorce, really Joe, really! You live in a no-fault state as I do an it doesn't matter if someone ha s an affair or not.
I think he should tell her after the D or if they R. It doesn't matter if it is a no fault state. But Joe would be so upset if D doesn't go the way he wants that he might chat with OM's BW to clear up the air. Now, if he's not upset he doesn't need to talk to her :)
My wife came up tonight to talk with me, and I still love her and feel BAS for her, but also can't trust her.
Some of us may overidentify with the OM's betrayed spouse, but you should put your lawyer's advice before anyone else's, imo.
Your wife does have a different trainer, doesn't she...and at a different gym?
And most of us wish we had done some things differently. If I had another spouse to tell it would have put and end to the A much quicker as confronting the SOW just made them more of a team and take it underground.
In the end, when I had proof the bubble did burst.
What we are all trying to say is take your time for your decision, but, telling the other spouse may help you make your decision. Most likely until this is done the A will be underground and the other spouse will be in the dark. Not fair to her.
I'm sorry that she doesn't get it yet. She had someone who placed true value in marriage, a loyal man who loved her. There is no timeline. I'm still new to all of this too. But all of this is on her. It's a choice to deal with the ups and downs that naturally come in a marriage and she chose another path. She is obviously not showing you that what she did was unacceptable. I agree with the others who have posted here about the "fog" and resources you can look at. Unfortunately, she seems selfish and she will regret this. Since the OM is also married, they have shown their true character. Who is to say that the OM won't cheat on her? Karma may come knocking. Anyone can play that game with morals as low as theirs.
It sounds like you are leaning toward a D, and hey that's fine. In many situations when D is filed the WS suddenly defogs, and decides what they want. Unfortunately I see your WS being manipulative to keep her high standard of living. She has a maid, a nanny, a trainer, and doesn't work. I would bend over backwards to make sure I kept that too. If you do D, she will loose these things, and probably have to joing the real world of adults and get a JOB.
She is showing that she is sorry she has been caught, not that she is remorseful for what she has done, or is doing. I am willing to bet my lunch that she is still carrying on with this joker, and it may be in your best intrest to do some snooping and find out. If she is feeding you the I love you, I want to make this work line, and then still involved with him it may make your decsion a bit eariser.
We held off on the the OM for a while in R, d/t the legal clout the OW had, and fear of her ruining my H's reputation. We did eventually tell him, as my H was number 3 in line of MOM that she had bedded.
So I get needing to do that in your own time, but I can say that you need to know what she is up to NOW. Look for a secret cell phone, put a VAR in her Car. Keylogger on her computer and tablets. When she says she is trying then you can call her on it, along with handing her the papers for D.
Keep posting, keep asking questions, and know that we all come from a place of attempting to prevent you from having the pain we did, and making the same mistakes we did.
I'm going to preface this with a quick reminder to take what you need and leave the rest. Having said that, here goes.
If you are truly headed for D with no hope of R, DON'T tell the OBS. I know that goes against the advice of most, but in this case, it might be your best option. Your lawyer is right. I went through a very adversarial D with a custody battle. I was asking the court for custody of my son in spite of the fact that he had a half sibling living with his mother. In effect splitting the kids.
I had confronted XWW about her affair(ongoing) several times and got nothing but denials. I went to my atty and was advised to "go dark". Quit bringing it up, don't confront, let it continue. I got a PI and had her followed, thus giving me/us proof of the affair and what she was doing with the kids during her soiree's.
I too live in a no fault state. The proof was not to 'prove' the affair, but to get her to commit perjury on the stand, thereby invalidating all of her testimony. It worked. She lied like a rug. Pissed the judge off massively.
I won. The judgment stood. She couldn't believe it. Took the case all the way to the state supreme court, but her perjury was the determining factor.
Good luck and strength to endure the trials you are facing.