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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Just found out
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe

She does want you to feel sorry for her because then she is off the hook.

She is not close to remorseful she wants to rug sweep this and get back to life previously in progress.

Keep the 180 in motion and tell the other spouse now.


If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

Posts: 829 | Registered: Apr 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

joe, 180.
Going out for din din is not that.

Going from lying to you to 'sorry' in the space of mere hours is not remorse.

It's only confusing to you.
Don't
Even
Think
About
Changing
Her

sabe?


Posts: 5996 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can do this joe! You are doing the grueling work of extracting her head from her ass but, your heart is trying to shout over your head! Don't feel sorry for her! I'm sure she is sorry but, unfortunately, that should not be enough to let down your guard! Don't trust her! She is maneuvering all over the map trying to regain control of the situation. Don't let her! You've come this far so go the distance. You really don't have much to lose except for a cheating, unrepentant wife. I so hate this for you. It makes me so angry to watch women like this in action!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 492 | Registered: Apr 2013
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So she lied to you last night, but today is bemoaning that you will never trust her...

There are times when the whole surreal package, makes your brain stutter.

I remember a really calm moment hit me in the midst of an argument when the bullshit was flying like a troop of crazed monkeys... It was like an out of body experience,
I remember wanting to reach out and rap my WH on the forehead just to see if there was anything real or vaguely human there.

And I had the distinct impression that if I looked really hard, I'd find a curtain with some cowardly old geezer pushing button, pulling levers, and screaming into a microphone.

Until she gives you something real - you got nothing to work with.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4090 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
keptmyword
♂ Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe,

You have received the greatest of advice from many veterans who have experienced your very situation. I have been through an almost identical situation as well.

That said, I cannot emphasize the following enough:

1) File for divorce IMMEDIATELY.

2) Have her served with the divorce papers.

3) If you are inclined to want to attempt reconciliation, then inform her adultery partner's wife IMMEDIATELY. So long as his wife doesn't know, you can count that their delusional fantasy is still in play.

4) The sooner you do this the better. More than likely, she will really feel the guilt and shame after the consequence of seeing the real, authentic Dissolution of Marriage Petition papers in her hands. This period of guilt and shame can be leverage in getting a more favorable out-of-court settlement for you. Believe it or not, since she is not working, you will probably end up being forced to pay all her legal fees and for all mediation fees. Completely unjust, but the courts do not give a shit in a no fault state.

And, ALWAYS keep in mind that her having an affair has/had NOTHING to do with YOU or YOUR MARRIAGE.

Infidelity is a not a marital problem - it is a PERSONAL problem.


Divorced.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2012
Tren0R201
♂ Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Joe. So your wife says you're done, the minute you say you'll contact the attorneys she changes her tune.
Also all of a sudden she wasn't feeling sex was all that hot, now suddenly want to jump your bones.
Also strange that the minute there seemed to be any normality in the dynamics of the relationship i.e you agreeing to dinner, she decides to go out and drink then lie about it.

Not really getting true remorse here are you? The reality of divorce, going to work and earning a living is now dawning on her. The problem is if you dont deal with the issues at hand, you'll never be in a position to know whether R is genuine or not.


Posts: 52 | Registered: Jun 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just another thought here. Have you given any consideration to the possibility that while you are staying quiet wife & POS are probably setting the scene for when they are outted? She is so manipulative I would bet my last paycheck that POS has already set the stage for his BS to make you look like someone who might have an axe to grind so when you do, she will have doubts.

I don't know but, i had to realize that my H was actually so deceitful I would have never believe what he was capable of unless I had seen it with my own eyes! Proceed with extreme caution!!!!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 492 | Registered: Apr 2013
bufffalo
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe...

Dude....is your wife still in any contact with her little BF??? Any at all??? Are you sure???

Your wife is NOT a good source of this information....cheaters lie!!!

Do you have access to her cell phone records???

Come on Bro...she may be "humping your leg".....

Hell...I understand "not wanting a divorce"....I truly do.....but I wanted to share my wife even less...BTDT!!!

My bullshit meter is really twitching.....be careful...

Keep us posted....

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 1:00 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5778 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
joeinfl
♂ New Member
Member # 39583
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC gave us the book not Just Friends, I read it cover to cover last week, and my WW finally started reading it this weekend. She admitted that she has done an awful job up to this point, and she downloaded me on the affair, new painful details and timeframe. This morning she has been cleaning the house like crazy, organizing our pantry, etc... Up to this point she has been actin like this is a little speed bump, but last night I told her that I thought it was over. She doesn't know I have already had two meetings with the attorney, but she can probably feel me pulling away. The thought of her performing sex acts on the OM is so revolting I highly doubt I will get over it. I have always been a pleaser in my life and hate seeing other people (strangely even my WW) go through this. I am strongly inclined to forgive, but it is the not forgetting part that will probably lead me to D.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013
jtom
♂ Member
Member # 35322
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been away for awhile an was curious if you had gotten in touch with the OM betrayed wife. Well you haven't. Because your attorney told you not to thinking it may give you leverage if comes to an actual divorce, really Joe, really! You live in a no-fault state as I do an it doesn't matter if someone ha s an affair or not. If you were in a rowboat with an attorney an a woman was in the water floundering an your attorney told you not to throw her a life buoy, because of some perceived liability, would you? I wonder what the OM thinks about you since he knows you know an havenet told his wife yet. What does your wife think, since you you've elected not to tell the the mans wife? I'll tell you what they think, they think your afraid too. An wont. I know this has been a terrible time for you. The posters that have responded all pretty much have experienced this
mess an almost all have urged you to tell the OM wife. As others have said, another pair of eyes will be on those two cheaters. This will erase the little fantasy I bet your wife is still in especially when boyfriend tosses her under the bus. An another reason to tell the mans betrayed wife is this: What will she think about you when she does find out about the affair which she eventually will,an that you knew an didn t tell her. Take care.


ME(BH)HER(WW)LTA AT WORK.DISCOVERED AUGUST 2010. TWO SONS.DIVORCED HER. "THE BEST PREDICTER OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR"

Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: somewhere in texas
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because your attorney told you not to thinking it may give you leverage if comes to an actual divorce, really Joe, really! You live in a no-fault state as I do an it doesn't matter if someone ha s an affair or not.

I think he should tell her after the D or if they R. It doesn't matter if it is a no fault state. But Joe would be so upset if D doesn't go the way he wants that he might chat with OM's BW to clear up the air. Now, if he's not upset he doesn't need to talk to her :)


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1155 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
joeinfl
♂ New Member
Member # 39583
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I forgot to add that if I file, the attorney confirmed that we will depo the OM. Why in a no fault state? Because we can, and because it could impact custody. If she funneled money out of my account to him, or if she brought the kids over to the gym during one of their trysts (and she has brought the kids to the gym several times) it could impact things. Don't worry, she is going to find out. I just need to make sure if I tell her know it is for the right reasons and not out of vengeance.

My wife came up tonight to talk with me, and I still love her and feel BAS for her, but also can't trust her.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013
sadallthetime
♀ Member
Member # 26845
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe - I am tired of reading this BS. Be a man & tell the OM wife NOW!


Me-BW 60 now, FWH 64 now, 2 adult kids
DD#1 7-21-09 11 yr. affair w OW 30 yrs. younger who is an "escort". DD#2 7-23-09 Long Term EA with mutual friend DD#3 10-3-09 1 1/2 yr PA with escort #2 DD#4 10 yr. EA w/old GF

Posts: 104 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
de.va.sta.ted
♀ Member
Member # 22922
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe, do things on your own timeline.

Some of us may overidentify with the OM's betrayed spouse, but you should put your lawyer's advice before anyone else's, imo.


Me: BW mid 40's Him: WH mid 50's
D-Day: 2009
There is a crack in everything,
That's how the light gets in...

Posts: 843 | Registered: Feb 2009
bufffalo
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe....

Your wife does have a different trainer, doesn't she...and at a different gym?

Bufffalo


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5778 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
jtom
♂ Member
Member # 35322
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay.But remember, this P.O.S other man has been burning your marriage down. You've been living a lie for some time now being exposed to God knows what in the way of S.T.Ds. etc. There nothing wrong with getting a little revenge out of vengeance. The quickest way to do that is to tell the mans wife, now. It will also get your wife out of the fog of the her fantasy affair an make reconciliation if that is your goal a little easier.


ME(BH)HER(WW)LTA AT WORK.DISCOVERED AUGUST 2010. TWO SONS.DIVORCED HER. "THE BEST PREDICTER OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR"

Posts: 85 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: somewhere in texas
2yrs+recovering
♀ Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think all of us here have been in some way where you are now.

And most of us wish we had done some things differently. If I had another spouse to tell it would have put and end to the A much quicker as confronting the SOW just made them more of a team and take it underground.

In the end, when I had proof the bubble did burst.

What we are all trying to say is take your time for your decision, but, telling the other spouse may help you make your decision. Most likely until this is done the A will be underground and the other spouse will be in the dark. Not fair to her.


BS (me)59 FWH 70
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 559 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
dontstop
♀ New Member
Member # 39395
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

joeinfl,

I'm sorry that she doesn't get it yet. She had someone who placed true value in marriage, a loyal man who loved her. There is no timeline. I'm still new to all of this too. But all of this is on her. It's a choice to deal with the ups and downs that naturally come in a marriage and she chose another path. She is obviously not showing you that what she did was unacceptable. I agree with the others who have posted here about the "fog" and resources you can look at. Unfortunately, she seems selfish and she will regret this. Since the OM is also married, they have shown their true character. Who is to say that the OM won't cheat on her? Karma may come knocking. Anyone can play that game with morals as low as theirs.


Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe, I just read through your thread, and have just a few thoughts ideas to offer.

It sounds like you are leaning toward a D, and hey that's fine. In many situations when D is filed the WS suddenly defogs, and decides what they want. Unfortunately I see your WS being manipulative to keep her high standard of living. She has a maid, a nanny, a trainer, and doesn't work. I would bend over backwards to make sure I kept that too. If you do D, she will loose these things, and probably have to joing the real world of adults and get a JOB.

She is showing that she is sorry she has been caught, not that she is remorseful for what she has done, or is doing. I am willing to bet my lunch that she is still carrying on with this joker, and it may be in your best intrest to do some snooping and find out. If she is feeding you the I love you, I want to make this work line, and then still involved with him it may make your decsion a bit eariser.

We held off on the the OM for a while in R, d/t the legal clout the OW had, and fear of her ruining my H's reputation. We did eventually tell him, as my H was number 3 in line of MOM that she had bedded.
So I get needing to do that in your own time, but I can say that you need to know what she is up to NOW. Look for a secret cell phone, put a VAR in her Car. Keylogger on her computer and tablets. When she says she is trying then you can call her on it, along with handing her the papers for D.

Keep posting, keep asking questions, and know that we all come from a place of attempting to prevent you from having the pain we did, and making the same mistakes we did.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey brother, sorry you had to join the best club no one ever wants to be a part of. Glad you found us in a time of need.

I'm going to preface this with a quick reminder to take what you need and leave the rest. Having said that, here goes.

If you are truly headed for D with no hope of R, DON'T tell the OBS. I know that goes against the advice of most, but in this case, it might be your best option. Your lawyer is right. I went through a very adversarial D with a custody battle. I was asking the court for custody of my son in spite of the fact that he had a half sibling living with his mother. In effect splitting the kids.

I had confronted XWW about her affair(ongoing) several times and got nothing but denials. I went to my atty and was advised to "go dark". Quit bringing it up, don't confront, let it continue. I got a PI and had her followed, thus giving me/us proof of the affair and what she was doing with the kids during her soiree's.

I too live in a no fault state. The proof was not to 'prove' the affair, but to get her to commit perjury on the stand, thereby invalidating all of her testimony. It worked. She lied like a rug. Pissed the judge off massively.

I won. The judgment stood. She couldn't believe it. Took the case all the way to the state supreme court, but her perjury was the determining factor.

Good luck and strength to endure the trials you are facing.


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

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