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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Just found out
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

please tell the OM's wife Joe. She has a right to know what is going on behind her back, just as the rest of us did. Many people, besides myself, knew my Wh was having an affair. I hate they all kept it from me. People i have known for 25 years. I feel such a fool. Please tell her ASAP

Posts: 412 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
HeavyE
♂ Member
Member # 19333
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe:

You have been given wonderful advice by so many people that have walked in your shoes. We get it. We know how it feels.

I have read each of your posts and don't want to seem out of line here but for what it's worth:

- Do not be intimate with her. It can be seen as condoning her infidelity. I realize your are in a no fault state but this could affect your ability to bring up her infidelity thereby losing your leverage you currently have. Ask your attorney about this and see what their input is.

- She is still lying to you. Everyday. Does not matter what it is about (going to the bar the other night for example). You have no basis for any trust, so don't.

- Do what your attorney advises you to do regarding the OM's wife. I am a strong believer in exposure. I am even stronger in doing what my attorney advises.

- Advise "princess" time to get a job. Her days of being pampered are over. You can still keep the nanny and maid because now she will be working so it will be a necessity.

- Pride comes before a fall. A person who is extremely proud as she, tends to be overconfident and to make errors of judgment. From the little I know about your wife (albeit from your point of view) she comes across as very shallow and narcisstic. Her image is more important to her than anything else.

Hang in there brother. None of this is easy. In the end you are only accountable to yourself and your children. You do what you have to.


You can't change the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Me Tarzan
Her Jane

Reconciled
D-Day 4/14/08


Posts: 9561 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Birthplace of America's Music
Thadiun
♂ New Member
Member # 39653
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I' ve read a lot of posts on this site and a lot of what people are saying I can very much relate. My issue ATM is my D day was 2 weeks ago. Once I found out the truth I went back to my home state to visit family and friends. I stayed for a week and decided to come back to see if I could salvage our marriage or at least go to counseling since my wife texted me everyday saying how sorry she was and wants another chance to pro e her love. So once I returned I still noticed her being distant e me when I saw her and on e I hugged and broke down in tears her reaction was like consoling a child with no tears or showing any type of emotion. So only 2 days since I been back she said she tired of being coped up in the house and wanted to go to her friends house. Well alarm bells was going off and to make a long story short she went back to him. On further discovery when she was texting me while I was with my family she actually took out money to pay for her lovers apartment. On the 3rd since i returned when I decided to show my cards of what I knew she was doing, she finally cried and tried to stop me from leaving the house. I went to motel room and decided before I talked to legal to have a meeting with her counselor. I still plan on going to legal but counselor still wants the two of us to come in to see her. My ultimate question for this group of people that is going thru the same thing I'm in, would u still try and work with this type of individual who constantly lies and leaves guilt riden texts about ignoring our son and not calling to talk things out worth going thru this type of hell? Or does a person deserve a 3rd chance? I'm totally confused and lost on what exactly my wife true intentions are. She says one thing but here actions say something else. Thanks ahead of time to anyone who might have some suggestions.


H- BS. 39
WW - 47
D-day. 6/10/13
6 month old son after trying for 10yrs
Married 5/1/99

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: VA
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thaduim...

If you'll start your own thread you'll get the help you're searching for...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
2yrs+recovering
♀ Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a strong believer in exposure. I am even stronger in doing what my attorney advises.

again, what is wrong with making the adulterous spouse (your wife Joe) contact the other spouse and inform them. This should be done as an apology. It would have been a condition of R for me if there was another spouse to consider. Then you would surely know if she was remorseful and accountable for her actions.


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS, I would not want an AP to be the person who tells me about the A. Why? Because despite the remorse the AP may feel, the fact remains that the AP is one of the people who has wronged me and it would be rubbing salt in the wound. While it may help Joeinfl's WW realize the pain she has caused and the damages she was wrought, the OBS should not be used as part of the coming out of the fog process. To hear about the A and have the actual OW standing in front of a BS, telling the BS about her WH would be incredibly and unnecessarily painful. OM's BW should be told as gently and kindly as possible and perhaps at a later date, if all parties agree that it can be a condition of healing, Joe's WW offer her apology.

Joe, please think carefully about how the OM's wife should be told. I do agree that OM's WW should be told, but it would be best from your, another BS.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 327 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
joeinfl
♂ New Member
Member # 39583
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think some of the initial shock is wearing off. I am realizing that my wife screwed her personal trainer, how cliche is that? We have had trouble for years. About 3 years ago we had talked about divorce, and She threatened to move out. Why? Because I did not give her enough attention! I am no angel, and given the state of affairs of our relationship if I had a hot female personal trainer that wanted to hook up with me, I probably would have done it. I don't judge her for what she did, I could have done the same thing given the choice, we have been in a bad place for awhile. But even though I understand how it happened, the thought of her having sex with another dude just won't go away.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013
joeinfl
♂ New Member
Member # 39583
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my WW she could go to her friends birthday party dinner last night at a local restaurant/bar. She could tell I was not happy about it. She said to me, "don't you ever want me to go out? Am I supposed to stay in this prison?" Huh? She can't seem to comprehend that I would be sensative about her going after she is just it me with the revelation of her another man. I did tell her she could go, I just wish she would be able to come to the conclusion on her own that she needs to lay low for awhile. I guess I could just lay down the law and tell her not to go out until 1:00am on a Tuesday night. That sounds ridiculous even saying it.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not ridiculous!
She's already proven that she can't be trusted.
What you need to do is set some bounderies. Since she has none, it's up to you.
No problem with going out, but not 'til 1:00 AM. She doesn't need to close the bar.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 8:47 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


BH - 63
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 430 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
bufffalo
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I could just lay down the law and tell her not to go out until 1:00am on a Tuesday night.

Yes....

Time for you to draw a line in the dirt...like Travis at the Alamo...let her know what behaviors are tolerable to you and your marriage...that those that are not...given that she just got busted banging her trainer - she's really on a slippery slope here, Bro....Theres a catch - are you willing to back it up??? You cant give her an ultimatum unless you willing to do that....

JMO - if shes gonna hang out in a beauty salon - sooner or later shes gonna get her hair done....

A good mans gotta know his limitations - Dirty Harry (aka Clint Eastwood).

Is she in any contact with the trainer BF?

Keep us posted....

Bufffalo


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5782 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I supposed to stay in this prison?"

Did you read that closely joe? That screams to me that she is not still there willingly. Remorse? Not even close! I hate it for you but, until you can show some really tough love she is going to continue to serve up shit sandwiches & then have a temper tantrum if you don't eat every bite! You are being too nice for your own good!

You have said twice now that it could have been you that stepped outside of the marriage. I have one very important observation to make. You obviously do very well financially. What I do know about this situation is that there are ALWAYS women who are attracted to a financially successful man. I might be wrong but, I think it's a safe bet to say you have had opportunities. If I understand this, you haven't cheated. So why not? Because you CHOSE not to! Key word: CHOICE!

I don't know how you will be able to deal with the fact that your wife had sex with another man. My H has had sex with 6 different women so obviously I have my own issues to deal with. The difference here is that my H's behavior is matching his words of regret & repentance & is doing some really hard soul searching to ensure it doesn't happen again whether we stay together or not.

Your wife just isn't getting it & what's worse...she doesn't care IMHO.


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
joeinfl
♂ New Member
Member # 39583
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is a great observation, she made the choice. I haven't opportunities to cheat for years because I don't find myself in a position where that could happen. Three years ago we were fighting a lot and she threatened divorce and was looking at town houses to move into, and I starting spending time with a girl that I had known only as a friend. After awhile, I began to notice she was attracted to me, and I had to end that before something crazy happened. I didn't tell my wife about, and I recognized that I needed to not place myself in those situations. As sad as it sounds, I don't think you can have an opposite sex friendship with two people that could be attracted to each other. I did believe you could, but after living through this I realize you can't. Since then, I have focused only on the marriage, work, and the kids. I thought things were getting better when this happened. She said she was doing this because she ha convinced herself that I was wrong by not paying her enough attention, and that she did not feel bad about it while it was happening. She also admitted that she was pursuing more of a relationship with him than he was. I believe that if he was up for it, she would have left me for him.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe,
You had the oppertunity but made the choice NOT to travel that road.
Good !
Your WW probably would have left you, but when the "honeymoon" with the OM ended, she'd have been begging you to come back.

Time to man up and let her know where you stand.

I saw this from another member of SI, "I have no problem with you dating other men, but not while your married to me".


BH - 63
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 430 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So see, you did make a conscious choice to honor your committment to your marriage by not allowing yourself to be in a compromising position. That's why it's hard to understand how this person you married gave herself permission to cross that line. Did she even consider that there would be any negative consequences if the A was exposed? I would bet not.

She sounds like a user who is completely confident that you will do whatever it takes to hold on to her. You are doing all the work here & unless you are ok with being in a relationship where you are just considered an asset you need to demand some respect for who you are & quit making this easy for her!

No excuses, no free ride & no promises for the future. Let her know you are ready & willing to walk then be prepared to do it & take your kids with you!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe sorry friend, but she just doesn't get it. My H gave me the Prison line early on too. You know why? Because I didn't want him going back to the town where the A was for a concert....He got 7 kinds of mean and ugly, so I waivered, he went, guess who he went with, not the people from work, but the AP and her friends.

Trust and all the stuff that goes with it has to be earned back, and if she isn't willing to do the work, then R'ing isn't going to happen. It's just an ugly truth.

Why does she want to stay? Has she been able to give a good answer to that question? Why do you want her to stay? What amount of BS are you willing to tolerate ??? What do you need from her to consider R'ing??? These are all things to consider. Please go see a lawyer as well. Find out what your rights are, because from what you have shared she is as remorseful as a wet rock. Time for you to get some knowledge and strength.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6614 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My older son had problems with the thought of making definitive career decisions...He thought that once made, his decisions were irreversible..I have been trying to teach him that nothing is guaranteed in life and that he can change many of his decisions if they aren't working for him..
I feel something similar in your hesitance in making your WW leave/get her own job/be accountable for her actions going forward..IMHO she needs to experience this whether or not you guys R....


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 797 | Registered: Nov 2011
2yrs+recovering
♀ Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Joe,

Are you alright?

Just concerned.


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm concerned too.....


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 797 | Registered: Nov 2011
joeinfl
♂ New Member
Member # 39583
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been a rough few days. Had a MC session a few days ago, counselor blew up my WW for being late to the session, plus the lies referenced in previous posts. WW has been trying to show remorse, but gets frustrated when I don't respond to her efforts. In fairness, I have been angrier over the past few days. It has already been 10 days since I found out that it was a physical affair, but I have not been easy to be around. Not yelling or screaming, but giving her little jabs about the affair. She then gets mad and says to stop rubbing her nose in it. Her conduct during the first week has made me put one foot out the door, and I am just not into R right now.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's not owning her actions. I hate it but, I don't think she's even going to come close to getting it until you start the D process rolling. It takes two to R & IMO she is just doing damage control.

Sorry joe. Just stay strong. She just isn't giving you the respect you deserve!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 495 | Registered: Apr 2013
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