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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Just found out
joeinfl
♂ New Member
Member # 39583
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tonight she suggested we go out to dinner tomorrow night and she wants to "reconnect". Is it normal to not believe her and to not want any part of trying to reconcile? I would have loved to see her act this way a week ago, now I am over it!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning Joe,

It is normal for the BS to be crystal clear that he or she wants to R, wants to D, or to be full of mixed feelings. D-day is a life-changing event, and it can take some time to sort through our feelings. It is absolutely normal for a BS to not belive anything that comes out of the mouth of the WS since they have proven themselves to be liars.

A week ago she did not want to be with you. She told you she did not want to show remorse because sghe did not like you. Now she wants to reconnect. Who knows where the truth is.

If you do not want to R and are leaning towards D you have your answer. Ignore her and proceed with D.

I would have loved to see her act this way a week ago, now I am over it!

act is the key word here, that may be all this is. Who knows? Before considereing reconnecting, I recomend you look to see that your WW is owning and working on her issues. Is she seeing an IC to figure out why she was OK with having an A, and what she was trying to gain through the A? Is she trying to figure out new boundaries and coping mechanisms to prevent a repeat A? Is she reaching out to you demonstrating transparency, honesty, answering all your questions, providing a timeline of the A, giving you access to her phone, her email, her Facebook?

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:12 AM, June 21st (Friday)]


LTA BS 53
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4076 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Bigger
♂ Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe,

I‘m not surprised at the attorneys advice. And yes – it IS possible that not telling OM wife just MIGHT give you a eve-so-slight better point IF this goes to divorce and IF there are issues with custody. But IMHO it’s like saying that carrying a rabbit’s foot might give you better luck when paragliding.
The attorneys advice is totally 100% geared at making your position in divorce better. It takes no consideration to you possibly wanting to reconcile. If YOU are totally 100% committed to divorce then follow the attorneys advice. And her suggestion to have a date – well ignore it. After all your relationship now is purely as former and ex with only the formalities left.

Look – I guess I’m one of the hard-nuts here on SI when it comes to dealing with infidelity. I truly believe that the absolute best way is to accept the situation as it is. That there isn’t anything we can do that MAKES the WS change. That all we can do is create a situation where WE move out of infidelity and in doing so we present something that the WS sees, remembers, wants… and possibly follows. So by following my advice and my long speech you tell your wife – Yes – I DO want to reconcile BUT even less I want to share you. So therefore you are moving out of infidelity and thereby out of marriage.

I think that we KNOW when it’s over. In your case I sense a wish that the marriage could reconcile. So refusing any attempt by her to reconcile wouldn’t make sense. BUT you need some minimum assurances before you should even open the slightest to reconciliation. I mentioned those assurances in an earlier post.

OK – HOW you tell the OMW is the key-issue. You don’t threaten to do it. You don’t send her an anonymous post. You don’t scream at her that her husband is screwing around… You phone, are gentle, make sure that she understands that you feel a moral obligation that she knows, tell her your story, offer her some way of getting back to you and then thank her. You don’t have to argue with her, convince her, offer proof, and refute her if she doesn’t believe… Don’t make any demands on her keeping OM away or anything of the sort.

Joe – frankly until and unless you tell the OMW then I’m simply assuming you have decided to tread water and HOPE that some miracle rescue helicopter comes before you drown. Not going to happen…

IF you want to reconcile… Then tell her that while she hasn’t committed to the marriage then there really isn’t a need for a date. That until she can tell you that she wants to remain in the marriage because she WANTS to remain in the marriage. No financial issues. Not because of the kids. Not because of social stigma. Not to save the OM from exposure… But ONLY because she acknowledges the affair was wrong and that she is willing to accept REASONABLE conditions while you initiate reconciliation… then a date isn’t really feasible.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5482 | Registered: Sep 2005
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

joe,

I see you wife as a spoiled little brat who has taken for granted the things that a lot of women have to forfeit to survive. I would have given my right arm to stay at home & raise my children. Besides marrying WH It's the single biggest regret I have in my life. I have always had to work to help pay the bills & here I am 35 years later still doing it & knowing I can't even keep my home should R with us not be successful.

Your wife is not being genuine. She is acting like a little girl who has her eye on something that she wants & now has to play the part to get it. Please just turn a deaf ear to her. You may not need to do this forever but for now it's absolutely crucial that you don't waver! She hopefully will begin to see that manipulation is not working which will force her to get real & start acting like an adult. I sure hope so for you & your children's sake. You will know the difference between the childlike games she is playing now & a real commitment as a wife & mother.

It's so unfair that you have to be strong & in charge when you are at your weakest, most vulnerable time in your existence but, this will make or break things. You can always R even if you end up actually going thru with the D so please don't think that it's really all that final. You really need to show her once & for all that you aren't playing around & if she even has an inkling that she might be making a mistake by letting you walk, she needs to get her ass on board! Now!

Good luck man! You are putting one foot in front of the other & even tho it may not feel like it, you are doing great! We really are hoping the best for you!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 621 | Registered: Apr 2013
joeinfl
♂ New Member
Member # 39583
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just taking a moment to let this advice sink in and to thank everyone for taking the time to help me begin recovering from this. I am so fortunate I have found this site, thanks!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Joe, No matter what you do, the other BS needs to now.

Here’s the playing field from your perspective.

If your plan is D, then stay the course but notify the other BS afterwards. Any anonymous contact will likely come back to you anyway. She needs to know that the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t the sunny pasture she thinks it is. It’s the oncoming train. Her POSOM put her on that track. Help her get off it.

But if you decide you want to R you need to tell the other BS ASAP. R is impossible unless the A is truly over. Nothing ensures that more than informing the other BS and dragging the A into the light of day where it can wither away like a slug.

Now here's the playing field from the other BS's perspective.

If she suspects or knows the POSOM is cheating your helping her to be better informed or to get out of the crippling uncertainty we all here know so well.

If she has no clue, then the train analogy still applies. You're letting her know about trouble she isn't even aware is coming. How can she make good choices about her future when she has no idea what a bad position POSOM has put her in.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 8:22 AM, June 21st (Friday)]


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 607 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
UndecidedinMA
♀ Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This site was the only thing that kept me sane following DDay. Just keep coming back, the people here are great.

Your wife is panicking, she sees that you have now taken the control from her & that scares the crap out of her. How dare you take charge of your life and not let her dictate the terms. Stay strong!

please tell the OM BS, it is not for revenge but for her safety. You say she has kids, how would you feel if he ends up with a terminal condition that could have been treated if she just knew she was exposed? Please tell her for her & her childrens sake. You would not be blowing up her marriage her POS H already did that.


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 980 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to add my vote to anonymously telling the OM's wife. She deserves to know. If you decide to Reconcile she needs to be 100% remorseful and transparent. It's the only way. If you want to R, I would give her these ultimatums:

1) She must go into IC and figure out why she did this. It had nothing to do with you.
2) You need to do MC together
3) You have access to any and all electronic accounts (cell phone, email, Facebook)
4) No more nanny! She's a stay at home Mom, she shouldn't need a full-time nanny. The Nanny is what allowed her to galavant around. You need to give her a dose of real life and make her focus on your marriage and kids.

Good luck, we're all here for you.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 261 | Registered: Mar 2013
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now that she's about to loose her "gravy train", as you said, she's really scared.
WS's never think of the consiquences of their actions. What a way to learn a lesson.
If yopu want to R then take her up on her offer and see how she acts. If you want to D, then keep on doing what your doing.
At this point the ball is in your court.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 443 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
2yrs+recovering
♀ Member
Member # 31582
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just thought of this, if she truly wants to R, and wants to show her commitment, why not let her inform the other spouse as an apology.

Why should they be off the hook and better yet, demand that the op tell his spouse or you will.

I am so tired of us, the BS needing to figure it all out and then figure out how to deal with all the crap of recovery.

My FWH did not have other spouses to tell, but if he did I would have made him do it, I also told him to find the therapists and put in writing what he was going to do to fix the mess he made.

[This message edited by 2yrs+recovering at 10:27 AM, June 21st (Friday)]


BS (me)59 FWH 71
Married 35 years
4 children and 3 grandchildren
5 yrs into R.
Now that he has changed and become the man he should have been all along, why should I start over?

Posts: 560 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: New Jersey
movingforward13
♀ Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I the only one thinking "fuck that bitch?" She was riding another man's dick and trying to make it seem like you are the problem. She gave you her ass to kiss. I am sorry, but I am angry for you. Her life was so good, now she realizes what she is about to lose.

I know, I know, this is the wayward script. They all follow the same bull shit script. If you do decide to reconcile with her, she better be kissing your ass begging. Anything less is another DDay waiting to happen. She isn't remorseful.

[This message edited by movingforward13 at 12:46 PM, June 21st (Friday)]


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 636 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
joeinfl
♂ New Member
Member # 39583
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Surprisingly, I haven't even been able to get angry towards her yet. I feel like my body is still in shock, and I have more of a feeling of anxiety and Heavy stress than anything else. Surprisingly, I even feel a little bit of guilt, because I entertained thoughts of cheating on my wife during this marriage, which has had more downs than ups. She has admitted that she has been unhappy with me for a long time and it is very easy to feel that from her. We almost separated a few years ago after the birth of our second child. I thought we had been doing better over the last year or so, but obviously I was mistaken. I feel deep in my heart that if I had been given an opportunity to be unfaithful to her, I may have taken advantage of it. I am conflicted, and maybe even willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, because I understand how that affair could have happened. The flipside is that she is the one that actually had the affair, and she is the one that needs to the atone for this. And I just don't think I can trust her, plus we were not in a great place to begin with. The thing that hurts the most is that I thought I was being a great guy. I'm a very good provider, I'm great with the kids, and I've always treated her with respect, even if I didn't give her the attention she felt that she needed. I definitely don't think I am perfect, but I don't believe I deserve what happened to me either.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013
Phoenix519
♀ Member
Member # 26186
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Joe)))) SO sorry that you are here but I'm sure you already know it's the greatest place no one wants to be.

One thing I would like for you to recognize. I've been here more than 4 years and a major theme I've noticed is that the WS seem to not have enough responsibility, get board and are lazy and find themselves in an affair. Those are not excuses but highlight how selfish they are.

At the time of my FWH affair, we had three young kids. A son in academic leagues, two daughters in competitive cheer-leading, one of them (his from a previous marriage) is insulin dependent diabetic who was non-compliant with that and a huge behavioral handful. I work full time, I took care of EVERYTHING. He came home, was served dinner and then sat on his computer for the rest of the night while I sorted through blood sugar scores, figured out insulin dosages, investigated the latest treatment options to help her manage her illness better, homework, ran all errands, paid all the bills...you get the picture.

You don't have to decide anything right now. You have a lot to think about but if and when you make the decision to try to R...

FIRE THE EFFIN NANNY!

Hell, do it right now. Make her get off her lazy ass and contribute to the home, the kids and your marriage. If you don't take any other advice, take that to the bank.

I put the brakes on everything when I found out. My two older children are out on their own but our youngest is 16 and heavily into soccer. He manages her team, is on the board of directors for the club, is the IT person for the website, coordinates all of the tryouts and offers...She's also on a Super 20 league in the summer where he never misses a game or practice and it's traveling out of state and the country. For her school league, he paints the fields and does upkeep for every game.

You know what? He couldn't be happier now or closer with the kids.

Her disconnect is not from you, it's from life. Take the silver spoon out of her mouth until she learns to appreciate what an amazing and wonderful husband she's been lucky enough to find in this life.

Many of us here would, as another poster said, give their right arm for the privileges she's taken for granted.

When she spends some time on her hands and knees scrubbing the toilet, instead of what she's been doing on them, maybe she will pull her head out of her ass and get her shit together before it's too late.


Be strong my friend. Post here whenever you need to. Sending huge amounts of mojo and strength your way.


Posts: 581 | Registered: Nov 2009
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are in shock that's why you really need to listen to the very good advice you've been given. Everyone here knows the sting of what you are going thru & wants to help you get thru it to your best possible outcome.

I thought the same thing you are saying. My H & I were like roommates for the last 5 years. Somewhere in my head I thought even he wouldn't blame me if someone came along & offered me something "real". The thing is I DIDN'T DO IT & neither did you. Somehow we had enought moral integrity to stay inside the bounds of our marriage so please don't use that argument. You would be letting her off the hook for the terrible disrespect she has shown you.

Head up & poker face my friend! Let her sweat really, really hard!!!!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 621 | Registered: Apr 2013
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell, I would have given my right arm had my unremorseful WH put in his equal share of work to accumulate the marital assets/ savings for our household during all of the years of our marriage..He has NOTHING in the way of assets/savings/pension to show for a man that is in his late 50's

[This message edited by doggiediva at 5:41 PM, June 21st (Friday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Nov 2011
joeinfl
♂ New Member
Member # 39583
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So tonight she suggested that she hire a baby sitter since the nanny is off at 5pm and meet me for dinner after my work. I said OK, I am still barely willing to make this work. So she shows up 15minutes late and says that she went to a store prior to arriving at the restaurant. I knew she was lying, and I bluffed and said I knew she wasnt at a store because I had surviliance on her. Then she caved and said she was actually at a bar with friends, and didn't want to tell me. I actually believe her because one of the girls that she says she met texted her on her phone about it, so I am willing to believe it wasnt a rendevous with the OM. However, the fact that she lied, saying that she didn't want me to get the wrong idea, drives me insance. What is it going to take for this woman to realize that I need the truth. I am really starting to feel confused and down about this, like there is really no solution other than D. She doesnt get that i would have been fine if she just said she was meeting friends at a bar for drink before coming over.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013
bufffalo
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is it going to take for this woman to realize that I need the truth.

Tell the other BS, file for divorce, and get into a serious 180 mode.

You are not gonna "nice guy" her back into your marriage.....not trying to beat you up, Bro - you wife is already doing that.

Draw that line in the dirt....set your limitations...convey them to her - once!! Hit that 180....

My FWW humped my leg until she was holding the divorce papers in her hand...

Are you sure that your WW is not in contact with the BF?? Are you positive??? Your wife, at this time, is NOT a good source of this information....

Good luck....keep us posted...

Bufffalo


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5810 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She doesnt get that i would have been fine if she just said she was meeting friends at a bar for drink before coming over.

A remorseful person who wanted to reconnect and repair the damage they had done, would NOT go for drinks with friends first. They would put YOU first. They would spend every moment and do everything in their power to help you.

"Reconnect" probably means something more along the lines of "regain control". This isn't even close to remorse. Her words are telling you what you want to hear, and her actions are showing you the truth of who she is right now. 15 minutes late and a lie to go along with it, says to me that you aren't well placed on the priority list.

And.... I don't think you should be fine with her going for drinks at any rate. It's not what a person does when they feel threatened with divorce. Even she wasn't fine with it, so she lied. She knows she is half-assing this so called attempt at "remorse".

I think that the advice you have been given and the wisdom shared by some of the members who have seen and heard it "all", would be most valuable to you If you can bring yourself to follow it. About the only thing that may snap her out of this, will be you standing firm and her KNOWING that you will not waver. I think you are trying to stand firm, but really wanting to reconcile, and she probably senses this in your actions and your willingness to do things like meet for dinner. This is probably giving her the idea that she can regain some control and put everything back to normal with the minimum amount of effort.
You deserve the maximum amount of effort.

180 and exposure of the AP is really going to give you the best shot at R.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Eer80
New Member
Member # 39627
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, All - new BS here. DDay was two days ago; discovered my wife of 20 years was having an affair with a good friend of ours. WS says she fell in love with the OM but never stopped loving me; I'm having a very hard time accepting that. Much remorse from her since; I want to R and we're going to go to counseling, but my concept of what love really is doesn't leave much room for accepting that she could have loved me and him at the same time. I think, and told her, that that may be just something she convinced herself of to rationalize doing something she knew was so wrong. I'd be grateful for anyone here's thoughts or experiences on this.


Posts: 1 | Registered: Jun 2013
joeinfl
♂ New Member
Member # 39583
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eer80, I would recommend starting a new post for your situation, otherwise we are all going to be confused. Speaking of confused, my WW sees me this morning and says she is sorry she ruined everything and knows that I will never be able to trust her again. It sounds like she wants me to feel sorry for her.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2013
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