It is normal for the BS to be crystal clear that he or she wants to R, wants to D, or to be full of mixed feelings. D-day is a life-changing event, and it can take some time to sort through our feelings. It is absolutely normal for a BS to not belive anything that comes out of the mouth of the WS since they have proven themselves to be liars.
A week ago she did not want to be with you. She told you she did not want to show remorse because sghe did not like you. Now she wants to reconnect. Who knows where the truth is.
If you do not want to R and are leaning towards D you have your answer. Ignore her and proceed with D.
I would have loved to see her act this way a week ago, now I am over it!
act is the key word here, that may be all this is. Who knows? Before considereing reconnecting, I recomend you look to see that your WW is owning and working on her issues. Is she seeing an IC to figure out why she was OK with having an A, and what she was trying to gain through the A? Is she trying to figure out new boundaries and coping mechanisms to prevent a repeat A? Is she reaching out to you demonstrating transparency, honesty, answering all your questions, providing a timeline of the A, giving you access to her phone, her email, her Facebook?
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:12 AM, June 21st (Friday)]
I‘m not surprised at the attorneys advice. And yes – it IS possible that not telling OM wife just MIGHT give you a eve-so-slight better point IF this goes to divorce and IF there are issues with custody. But IMHO it’s like saying that carrying a rabbit’s foot might give you better luck when paragliding.
The attorneys advice is totally 100% geared at making your position in divorce better. It takes no consideration to you possibly wanting to reconcile. If YOU are totally 100% committed to divorce then follow the attorneys advice. And her suggestion to have a date – well ignore it. After all your relationship now is purely as former and ex with only the formalities left.
Look – I guess I’m one of the hard-nuts here on SI when it comes to dealing with infidelity. I truly believe that the absolute best way is to accept the situation as it is. That there isn’t anything we can do that MAKES the WS change. That all we can do is create a situation where WE move out of infidelity and in doing so we present something that the WS sees, remembers, wants… and possibly follows. So by following my advice and my long speech you tell your wife – Yes – I DO want to reconcile BUT even less I want to share you. So therefore you are moving out of infidelity and thereby out of marriage.
I think that we KNOW when it’s over. In your case I sense a wish that the marriage could reconcile. So refusing any attempt by her to reconcile wouldn’t make sense. BUT you need some minimum assurances before you should even open the slightest to reconciliation. I mentioned those assurances in an earlier post.
OK – HOW you tell the OMW is the key-issue. You don’t threaten to do it. You don’t send her an anonymous post. You don’t scream at her that her husband is screwing around… You phone, are gentle, make sure that she understands that you feel a moral obligation that she knows, tell her your story, offer her some way of getting back to you and then thank her. You don’t have to argue with her, convince her, offer proof, and refute her if she doesn’t believe… Don’t make any demands on her keeping OM away or anything of the sort.
Joe – frankly until and unless you tell the OMW then I’m simply assuming you have decided to tread water and HOPE that some miracle rescue helicopter comes before you drown. Not going to happen…
IF you want to reconcile… Then tell her that while she hasn’t committed to the marriage then there really isn’t a need for a date. That until she can tell you that she wants to remain in the marriage because she WANTS to remain in the marriage. No financial issues. Not because of the kids. Not because of social stigma. Not to save the OM from exposure… But ONLY because she acknowledges the affair was wrong and that she is willing to accept REASONABLE conditions while you initiate reconciliation… then a date isn’t really feasible.
I see you wife as a spoiled little brat who has taken for granted the things that a lot of women have to forfeit to survive. I would have given my right arm to stay at home & raise my children. Besides marrying WH It's the single biggest regret I have in my life. I have always had to work to help pay the bills & here I am 35 years later still doing it & knowing I can't even keep my home should R with us not be successful.
Your wife is not being genuine. She is acting like a little girl who has her eye on something that she wants & now has to play the part to get it. Please just turn a deaf ear to her. You may not need to do this forever but for now it's absolutely crucial that you don't waver! She hopefully will begin to see that manipulation is not working which will force her to get real & start acting like an adult. I sure hope so for you & your children's sake. You will know the difference between the childlike games she is playing now & a real commitment as a wife & mother.
It's so unfair that you have to be strong & in charge when you are at your weakest, most vulnerable time in your existence but, this will make or break things. You can always R even if you end up actually going thru with the D so please don't think that it's really all that final. You really need to show her once & for all that you aren't playing around & if she even has an inkling that she might be making a mistake by letting you walk, she needs to get her ass on board! Now!
Good luck man! You are putting one foot in front of the other & even tho it may not feel like it, you are doing great! We really are hoping the best for you!
Here’s the playing field from your perspective.
If your plan is D, then stay the course but notify the other BS afterwards. Any anonymous contact will likely come back to you anyway. She needs to know that the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t the sunny pasture she thinks it is. It’s the oncoming train. Her POSOM put her on that track. Help her get off it.
But if you decide you want to R you need to tell the other BS ASAP. R is impossible unless the A is truly over. Nothing ensures that more than informing the other BS and dragging the A into the light of day where it can wither away like a slug.
Now here's the playing field from the other BS's perspective.
If she suspects or knows the POSOM is cheating your helping her to be better informed or to get out of the crippling uncertainty we all here know so well.
If she has no clue, then the train analogy still applies. You're letting her know about trouble she isn't even aware is coming. How can she make good choices about her future when she has no idea what a bad position POSOM has put her in.
[This message edited by Twitchy at 8:22 AM, June 21st (Friday)]
Dies irae. Dies illa solvet saeclum in favilla.
Your wife is panicking, she sees that you have now taken the control from her & that scares the crap out of her. How dare you take charge of your life and not let her dictate the terms. Stay strong!
please tell the OM BS, it is not for revenge but for her safety. You say she has kids, how would you feel if he ends up with a terminal condition that could have been treated if she just knew she was exposed? Please tell her for her & her childrens sake. You would not be blowing up her marriage her POS H already did that.
1) She must go into IC and figure out why she did this. It had nothing to do with you.
2) You need to do MC together
3) You have access to any and all electronic accounts (cell phone, email, Facebook)
4) No more nanny! She's a stay at home Mom, she shouldn't need a full-time nanny. The Nanny is what allowed her to galavant around. You need to give her a dose of real life and make her focus on your marriage and kids.
Good luck, we're all here for you.
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
Why should they be off the hook and better yet, demand that the op tell his spouse or you will.
I am so tired of us, the BS needing to figure it all out and then figure out how to deal with all the crap of recovery.
My FWH did not have other spouses to tell, but if he did I would have made him do it, I also told him to find the therapists and put in writing what he was going to do to fix the mess he made.
[This message edited by 2yrs+recovering at 10:27 AM, June 21st (Friday)]
I know, I know, this is the wayward script. They all follow the same bull shit script. If you do decide to reconcile with her, she better be kissing your ass begging. Anything less is another DDay waiting to happen. She isn't remorseful.
[This message edited by movingforward13 at 12:46 PM, June 21st (Friday)]
"They cling to their bad choices out of shame, because it is far easier to continue to destroy yourself than to do the heavy work required to fix yourself." - a wiser SIer
One thing I would like for you to recognize. I've been here more than 4 years and a major theme I've noticed is that the WS seem to not have enough responsibility, get board and are lazy and find themselves in an affair. Those are not excuses but highlight how selfish they are.
At the time of my FWH affair, we had three young kids. A son in academic leagues, two daughters in competitive cheer-leading, one of them (his from a previous marriage) is insulin dependent diabetic who was non-compliant with that and a huge behavioral handful. I work full time, I took care of EVERYTHING. He came home, was served dinner and then sat on his computer for the rest of the night while I sorted through blood sugar scores, figured out insulin dosages, investigated the latest treatment options to help her manage her illness better, homework, ran all errands, paid all the bills...you get the picture.
You don't have to decide anything right now. You have a lot to think about but if and when you make the decision to try to R...
FIRE THE EFFIN NANNY!
Hell, do it right now. Make her get off her lazy ass and contribute to the home, the kids and your marriage. If you don't take any other advice, take that to the bank.
I put the brakes on everything when I found out. My two older children are out on their own but our youngest is 16 and heavily into soccer. He manages her team, is on the board of directors for the club, is the IT person for the website, coordinates all of the tryouts and offers...She's also on a Super 20 league in the summer where he never misses a game or practice and it's traveling out of state and the country. For her school league, he paints the fields and does upkeep for every game.
You know what? He couldn't be happier now or closer with the kids.
Her disconnect is not from you, it's from life. Take the silver spoon out of her mouth until she learns to appreciate what an amazing and wonderful husband she's been lucky enough to find in this life.
Many of us here would, as another poster said, give their right arm for the privileges she's taken for granted.
When she spends some time on her hands and knees scrubbing the toilet, instead of what she's been doing on them, maybe she will pull her head out of her ass and get her shit together before it's too late.
Be strong my friend. Post here whenever you need to. Sending huge amounts of mojo and strength your way.
I thought the same thing you are saying. My H & I were like roommates for the last 5 years. Somewhere in my head I thought even he wouldn't blame me if someone came along & offered me something "real". The thing is I DIDN'T DO IT & neither did you. Somehow we had enought moral integrity to stay inside the bounds of our marriage so please don't use that argument. You would be letting her off the hook for the terrible disrespect she has shown you.
Head up & poker face my friend! Let her sweat really, really hard!!!!
[This message edited by doggiediva at 5:41 PM, June 21st (Friday)]
What is it going to take for this woman to realize that I need the truth.
Tell the other BS, file for divorce, and get into a serious 180 mode.
You are not gonna "nice guy" her back into your marriage.....not trying to beat you up, Bro - you wife is already doing that.
Draw that line in the dirt....set your limitations...convey them to her - once!! Hit that 180....
My FWW humped my leg until she was holding the divorce papers in her hand...
Are you sure that your WW is not in contact with the BF?? Are you positive??? Your wife, at this time, is NOT a good source of this information....
Good luck....keep us posted...
She doesnt get that i would have been fine if she just said she was meeting friends at a bar for drink before coming over.
A remorseful person who wanted to reconnect and repair the damage they had done, would NOT go for drinks with friends first. They would put YOU first. They would spend every moment and do everything in their power to help you.
"Reconnect" probably means something more along the lines of "regain control". This isn't even close to remorse. Her words are telling you what you want to hear, and her actions are showing you the truth of who she is right now. 15 minutes late and a lie to go along with it, says to me that you aren't well placed on the priority list.
And.... I don't think you should be fine with her going for drinks at any rate. It's not what a person does when they feel threatened with divorce. Even she wasn't fine with it, so she lied. She knows she is half-assing this so called attempt at "remorse".
I think that the advice you have been given and the wisdom shared by some of the members who have seen and heard it "all", would be most valuable to you If you can bring yourself to follow it. About the only thing that may snap her out of this, will be you standing firm and her KNOWING that you will not waver. I think you are trying to stand firm, but really wanting to reconcile, and she probably senses this in your actions and your willingness to do things like meet for dinner. This is probably giving her the idea that she can regain some control and put everything back to normal with the minimum amount of effort.
You deserve the maximum amount of effort.
180 and exposure of the AP is really going to give you the best shot at R.