The killers, the destroyers of my self confidence...
I was a bad mom
I was a bad wife
I was a horrible housekeeper
I didn't do enough around the house....
Looking back now I wonder how I let it happen, why did I accept his words? I am a damn good mom, an awesome wife, and a HORRIBLE housekeeper, and will always be, but he never cared before. Life is too damn short to spend time cleaning when you could be having fun with kids and family.
But I digress....
All of these signs were red flags but I believed him when he said it was due to stress.
Some of mine (and boy, was I dense)
--He lent OW his car while hers was in the shop. This was the first thing. It made me twitchy, but I shrugged it off. He's just being a good friend! He's Mr. Wonderful!
--When we moved from OW's city, and her kids would have sports events near our new city, he would go to them. I mean, c'mon--who goes to synchronized swim events, or soccer games on rainy days, unless one of your own kids (or grandkids) is in it? This made me twitchy, too, but I was still willing to believe he was just being nice. Showing interest!
--He checked his Blackberry constantly. But it was a work phone, and he had a demanding job.
--On my days working at home, I would sometimes get calls from people at his work asking for him. The callers were always under the impression that he was working from home that day. I thought, gee, he's in a meeting, or at lunch or something. It never occurred to me that he was taking the train to a city halfway between OW's and ours for an afternoon of hot sex.
--He was impatient with me a lot of the time, and would sometimes speak to me in a nasty, contemptuous tone of voice.
--He didn't get me a present or card for our 10th anniversary. Nothing. Dinner at a nice restaurant, but nothing else. He was two years into the A by that time.
I know there are more that will occur to me once I post this, but those are some of them.
And yes, I feel like an idiot.
D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA
-he treated me with complete contempt most of the time (one time yelling "--ck you" at me three times for no reason)
-was short-tempered about practically everything
-when I expressed confusion about things he would yell at me
-sudden unexplained trips to do chores at our cottage; the chores were rarely completed and I was encouraged to stay home because he knew how much I loved to tend the garden.
-we had a routine of him letting the phone ring twice when he got to the cottage so I would know he was there safely. We would talk about our day at 9:00 p.m. because of the charges. One time I picked up after the first ring and he was furious. (He was with the AP).
-staying longer at the cottage than originally planned
-traffic noises when he called me from the quiet cottage; he said it was the tv
-encouraging me to visit my parents alone and to stay for long periods
-asking me to get him cash when I went on my daily walk (alone); I wondered where the cash was going??!!
-handling the credit card statements so I wouldn't see his monthly cialis purchase
-rarely being in the same room with me
-picking stupid fights and stomping out of the house for "bike rides" (he was texting the AP) or driving away (to text)
-he lay for hours on the couch with "headaches"; I was worried sick.
-spending hours in the bathroom (with the secret phone)-I wanted him to see the Dr. because of his intestinal distress!
-staying up all night; sleeping in until noon (he was looking at porn and texting the AP)
-buying new clothes (I even ordered him some with my birthday gift card)
-losing a ton of weight and exercising like a maniac
I was actually relieved on Dday because I had thought I was crazy for over 6 months.
I'M ON THE FENCE
When I asked him about it: In the middle of his bus ride home from work, he decided to go 5 stops past where he was supposed to get off, then walk 3 blocks to the residential street where the store was, and then walk back to the bus stop and take it back to where he was supposed to get off. This was all allegedly because he felt like taking a walk.
At that time, I asked him if he was having an affair. Oh no, he said, just wanted to take a walk. Yep. Just a regular walk. Take a walk to OWs house for a BJ and a smoke, you mean.
I believed it, sort of, because I did not want to consider the alternative to his bullshit story.
OW was thrilled to point out to me in her letter outing the affair that they were on their way to her place that night.
Gah, I get mad just thinking about it, both because he thought I was so gullible, and because I was.
I also dismissed a lot of things I saw that were huge red flags.
Constantly on the blackberry, but he had a demanding job too.
He worked out every day after work and was coming home later and later – but he had been diligent about his work-outs for years.
He was often short with me and would be nasty too – but the next day he’d leave me a sweet note or he would laugh it off. I just attributed it to being cranky, aren’t we all, sometimes?
He’d make insinuations about me cheating – when I would get angry – he would say “can’t you take a joke”
He never password protected ANYTHING – NOTHING – that’s how I discovered the affair. I didn’t think he was having an affair – and one day – for a reason I can’t explain even to this day – I looked at his email, I had never looked before. I saw an email to a co-worker about Marriott rewards points (he doesn’t travel for work) – and another saying “I miss you” and referencing something about being on the phone. Even THEN – I thought to myself, I’m missing something – there’s a good explanation – he would never cheat.
Seemed to have more dinner meetings
The man who didn’t even know what size he wore – all of sudden wanted new clothes
The man who never wore cologne and never went shopping – went out and bought men’s scented aftershave
He was rude to my family – who treated him like a son – and he’d always had a good relationship with everyone in my family – all of a sudden at family functions he’d sit in the other room and sulk
Background: OW was my friend
1. I sent him to her house to clean her drain! Oh he cleaned her drain alright.
2. Going to the movies alone. That's a free 2 1/2 hours right there!
3. Not caring when I was sick.
But really, he did a pretty good job of acting normal. He helped around the house, kissed me goodbye, put the kids to bed, and went to work, just like always. THAT is what kills me now. Because how could I ever know?
And now when he says " I show you that I love you everyday by going to work and helping around the house". I say, " no those don't count because you did those things when you hated me and loved her".
He started closing the bathroom door.
Couldn't wait to leave for work. (Phone time with OW)
Phone was locked (easy password ) and became his third testicle
Refused to look me in the eye.
Slept on his side with his back solidly towards me.
Refused to kiss me.
Thrilled if I didn't go to sons sport (phone time with OW)
Made damned sure I didn't see him nekkked..
Came home as late as he dared from work (OW worked there)
Was super jumpy and spooky.. hmmm...
No offense but this one is even worse than underwear...
Once day almost nine years ago, I drove my now ex-WS's mustang to the park where we were having our oldest DD's 3rd birthday. I was 8 months pregnant with our 2nd DD at the time. I was meeting ex-WS there. He took the explorer with the grill and other items. So, I get out of the car and pull up the seat to get DD out of the carseat in the back and I look down on the floor and see a pack on condoms (unopened). My heart sank! Why on earth would there be condoms on the floor of his car?? I picked them up and slid them in my purse. Later that night after the party (didn't want to ruin it for DD), he told me he used them to put over my 1.5 inch curling iron to put in his .... (well you can guess).
Yes, I thought it was too gross to lie about and I threw the curling iron away. Of course now I know it was just one of the 7 OW and 1 of the 1000s of lies he told. NPD!!
1. refusing BJ (because he had just had one)
2. refusing lift to / from work (they would ride the bus together)
3. hockey games scheduled at 10 PM (oh, hockey, is that was they call it now?)
4. taking walks in the evening and going to the local park to do unspecified sports (by that time OW had moved 3 blocks away, and the "sports" meant he could come home sweaty)
5. Unexplained cat hair
6. The whiff of perfume I would get on occasion.
7. Encouraging me to get out of town because I deserved a break.
[This message edited by Bravenewgirl at 3:17 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]
I'm so kind I'm sending you away for the weekend because you SO need a break "best you takes babies with you though"
Me: ok,so kind and sensitive
Him: should ??? come and teach me how to make sushi..cause you love sushi honey
Me: great idea
Me:there's long black hair in sons bed honey and in shower...did ??? stay over.
Him: yeah it was late so gave her a bed for the night
Me:your so kind, can't wait to try sushi
Him:don't come out on boat today, too busy, and next day too busy and next and next and next and next
Many gifts and cards sent to husband over many months.
Me: she's so sweet
Him:have been invited to do course in Japan,great opportunity, step up in company etc,etc
Me:you're worked so hard, deserve it,we'll done,of course you should go in fact while there you should look up ??? maybe you could see her
Him: never thought of that,I could you know,great idea my loving wife.
Me: you better look her up soon, who ever thought you would end up in her country,such coincidence.
Me:gets him travel guides, gifts to take,blah,blah
Him: don't call me there,way too expensive, I 'll call you, much cheaper
Me: great idea, saves money
Me: listens to a voicemail on his phone before he leaves for Japan
"I really miss you today sunshine etc etc
Him: oh it's nothing, she's gone really strange, I don't know what it's about but gee I won't be going NEAR her in Japan
Me: cautions him to not go near her, she sounds crazy, but still go, you're worked so hard
Him: goes, removes wedding ring,has father drop him at airport,has me help pack his bags, I want him to look good so pack nice clothes of course, whole world excited for him even our 3 kids under five, not the very,very,sick baby though, she was only 5 months old
Him: goes 10 days,calls me all the time, talks about all the people on the course,their names,details etc
Him: comes home to royal welcome
Him: too tired on way home from airport to buy batteries for 4 yr old sons present
Him: so exhausted, could find anything for me over there cause they're so tiny, nothing would fit me,"ya know"
Me: questions things in his photos like other beers on the table when he was "drinking on his own" etc etc
Six months later I find the photo album of their romantic hol together.
No course, just a good old holiday when he had no annual leave owing, we had dept, very sick baby and three under 5.
These are just a FEW , many I would be too embarrassed to mention,I guess you can just love and trust some one THAT MUCH...
AND THE AWARD GOES TO.....
that was the first affair...2-3 yrs long....,never suspected a thing..... NOT A THING...he even left to pick her up to take her to the airport only hours after cutting the umbilical cord to our third baby,never mentioned her birth on way to airport...list goes on ..I could write forever
10 yrs later her I am again,two yrs false R...this lovely also from Japan,also has cancer, alsomearly 20s, also needed saving,undetected yet again..
Won't embarrass myself further...
Signs as obvious as an ugly wart on your nose but me... Well thats what 27 years of love ,loyalty,faithfulness and dumbassness gets you..
Sorry this has turned into a seething vent but I guess I will just never get over it..
With OW#2, who he worked with, they would text each other all the time, and would stay late at work because of the special project they were working on. Was told she was like a sister to him!
But the best sign I ignored, hit me like a ton a bricks the other day and I can't believe a forgot about it and didn't do anything about it at the time. But I vividly remember him coming home and when I went to kiss him hello, his face and beard smelled like sex! When I told him that, he said that it was just sweat because it was hot. I said, well your sweat smells like sex! He then went to take a shower! Seriously, how stupid could I have been!!
Saw another one up there ^^^^ about exploding over stupid things. He screamed at me one time ..I fn hate you, you disgust me!!! Never ever ever had he spoken those ugly words to me. This wasn't even during a heated argument, it was because I didn't want to ride with his parents so.he could take the car later by himself while we were out of town...duh he wanted phone time with skankarella.
[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:13 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]
. hockey games scheduled at 10 PM (oh, hockey, is that was they call it now?)
hockey games scheduled at 10 PM (oh, hockey, is that was they call it now?)
Oh yes! This is what he told Lucky daughter & boyfriend so they'd leave the rink and he could jump into the car/truck with OW
my give a damn is busted
Went through DD dad's phone and found a bunch of "self portraits" of his south of the border regions. He told me that he took the pictures before and after he lost weight to compare his dick size.
DD's dad had an ex (his main ow) that hadn't been with him in 2 years when he and I met, but prior to that, they lived together for 3 years and she bought a car in his name. He told me they needed to meet once a month so she could give him a check for the car. I asked why she couldn't just mail it, and he insisted that he hated the post office. One time in our early relationship, I went to his house and noticed that all the pictures of us that were in his room were hidden in drawers and such (one was an u/s picture). I asked him why, and he got all sketchy saying that his ex came over to make a car payment. I asked what that has anything to do with his room, and he said that she came in the house and wouldn't stop talking. I just believed him- it wasn't until afterwards that I realized his excuse didn't even add up. He would have to have hid pictures BEFORE she came over, which means he PLANNED for her to go into his bedroom.
I caught him texting some girl from work and asked him what he was talking to her about- he told me she is a recovering alcoholic and every month she is sober, he texts her to congratulate her. I thought he was SO sweet. *rolls eyes*
With current fiance:
He accused me of cheating on him/planning to leave him
He kept insisting that I have early mornings, and kept telling me to go to bed earlier than him (so he could stay up late and peruse CL)
He was very protective of his phone.
Whenever we had sex, he ALWAYS smelled like he had taken care of himself earlier. Well, turns out he DID do that...and then was too tired to finish with me.
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."