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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When did you know
huRtZ413
♀ Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That its time to go? Did you stop loving? Did you no longer want to be physical? Did he do it again? Did he not try?

If he did try and it wasn't enough ? Why?

[This message edited by huRtZ413 at 5:12 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, it was the lies upon lies upon lies -that still go on-and continued hurt and disrespect-that continue on, even this very day.

It was a lifting of my own fog and realization of all the things he had done and the level of deceit and disrespect it took to do all that he did.

It was doubly hard for me because I feel almost born to be married and he is very well aware of not only the love I had for him, but the love I had of life we had and my place in the whole family hemisphere.

Now, though, my eyes are wide open and my heart has experienced it's last crack that I will "let" him smash.

There is a threshold (some say deal breaker) we all seem to get to, where we say, "enough".

Perv "tried", but it was total false reconciliation and it was after that epiphany on my part, that I began interviewing lawyers. the realization that he could take my life and my dreams into his hands and then throw them on the floor and stomp on them in my face...well...the pain is indescribable.

All the things he stripped me of, leaving my life bare, alone, pregnant, broke and ruined while he is off with OW living in a very rich universe...that was it for me.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
twokids
♀ Member
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I slowly became aware of a gut feeling that I had no husband or marriage. Three plus years of WH's continued lies and cheating beat the fantasy of R right out of me.

My acceptance of this reality helps me stay emotionally balanced in the face of my loss. I've learned not to be a dreamer, but instead to accept what is.


Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
DreamBig
♀ New Member
Member # 39391
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 4 months post Dday. I am 2 weeks separated.

When did I know? For me the need to separate unfolded in stages.

I went back and forth for weeks. Should I stay or should I go. I found that very stressful. I would say to myself "you will do the right thing at the right time". And one day, three weeks ago, I knew. I knew I would be better off in the short term without WH. I told my supporters that I knew what I had to do but I didn't know when. Less than a week later, I found the courage and the drive to tell WH I was leaving. I felt enormous amount of relief and knew then that I had made the right decision for me.

What changed was my perspective. Post Dday I couldn't see anything other than the A and my pain. WH was trying and I didn't feel like it was enough. I knew that his R was not enough because I wasn't ready for it to be enough. I was not ready to heal. I was still swinging. I kept thinking "what about me?".

And slowly, through the 180, I detached and came out of my BS fog. Separation is right for me now. Independence is right for me now. If WH continues towards R... I can always change course.

Stay strong, hurtz.


Me-BW-37
Him-WH-56
Dday#1 1/28/13
Dday#2 2/21/13
Dday#3 3/18/13
No kids
Grieving the loss of my BFF...aka WH.

Posts: 1 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Chicago
roughroadahead
♀ Member
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not so much that he did it again, more like he never stopped. It became clear when I caught him sneaking out in the driveway at 630 am to call her, when he thought I was asleep, that nothing was going to change. Ever.

I had his clothes ready for him after work that day.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 737 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
fallingquickly
♀ Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went through a 1 year 3 month false R. We have been separated for a year, since second DD.

I had three absolutes; truth, fidelity, complete transparency (past, present, future). I added to that no alcohol.

He tried but couldn't do what I needed. He thought he did. Multiple people told me that they knew that was what the end would be. It just took me longer to get there. No one ever put pressure on me to get there faster, family or friends.

It's tough to give up on a 32 year relationship, 27 year marriage. I think it's reasonable it took me a long time to give up and be ready to move on.


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All the above. He never stopped, never tried, and I started becoming physically repulsed because I couldn't stop picturing him with others. I was done with the years of lies and secrecy. But the real moment came when I started thinking how much better off I would be and how my problems with covering for his bullshit in front of the kids would be gone if he would just drop over dead. Once I saw that as a preferable situation I knew it was definitely over.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1093 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was planning a life with OW but still telling me how much he loved me and was confused, I got sick of being the second choice. I finally gave him a choice me or her. He chose her. So I told him to go.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1331 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My stbx never tried and now I can say that I'm glad he didn't. I can't imagine going through a false R. I know that at least I tried. Then I took off my rose colored glasses and got out of the BS fog and saw him for who he truly was. It's a process. A painful but necessary process. Hugs and support to you.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2193 | Registered: Oct 2012
hurting2much
♀ Member
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew when I found out that he was at it again. When I confronted him about it, he lied, lied, lied. He didn't know that I had documented proof. At that moment, I knew he would never be faithful or honest with me. His cheating and lying became his behavior, and I am not willing to live with that anymore.


Divorced

Posts: 1103 | Registered: Sep 2009
Topic Posts: 10

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