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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: H wants to have another baby already
DoneWithLove
♀ Member
Member # 39380
Shocked  Posted: 6:37 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He cheated almost 3 months ago and we R 2 & 1/2 months ago. Our youngest will be 1 in 2 weeks. He has a good argument, pulling at my heart strings and I loved being pregnant and having babies. I think its way to early and im having a hard time saying no to the idea. Im considering birth control until im ready to cross that bridge but then I think, why should he get something so special from me so soon or ever again. Regardless, I dont want a baby right now but im so unsure because he took something so sacred and made it taboo for me. I dont know if I can or should give him that honor after what hes done, almost pissing everything we had down the drain and compromising our lives. It was a selfish act and childbearing is the polar opposite, a very selfless act. Does he deserve it... Ever?


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
hobbeskat
♀ Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No way- you're only 3 months out! How can you be Rd already? Personally I've been taking double the pills so there's no chance of this happening! It's WAY too early, especially if he's cheated on you when you have an infant under 1! And pulling on your heartstrings is manipulative. This is your body, your life. Your choice, not his. Don't bring another child into this. It won't fix anything.

[This message edited by hobbeskat at 6:49 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you afford to take care of more children on your own? If not, then hold off.

The fact that he is emotionally manipulating you shows where you are in your recovery. A remorseful spouse will be more concerned with what is good and healthy for you, than with what they WANT.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6351 | Registered: Jan 2011
grapefruit
♀ Member
Member # 27090
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does he want to have another baby so badly? How would you feel if you found out more details about the A once you were pregnant? How much do you trust him at this point? And I mean, has his behaviour changed (not just his words), and is he digging deep to find out why he cheated? Are you in MC and is he in IC?

Sorry, you don't need to answer all those questions, they're just things to think about.

Our baby is nearly 1 too, and we reconciled just over 2 months ago. I want another baby at some point and so does my H, but I'm nowhere near ready yet.


FWW / BS (me)
FWH / BS (him)
In R ...

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2010
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does a baby deserve to enter into such uncertainty? It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity under the best of circumstances. Are these the best of circumstances? You are barely a year into this.

If you were to become pregnant now, are you prepared to raise 2 children under the age of 2 without the full support of a responsible partner? Because at this point, even considering adding a child to the mix seems irresponsible to me on every level.

Please understand that I am saying this with the heartfelt wish that when you bring another person into the world...that it will be in your stable happy and loving home, free from the burdens of infidelity. Please don't look at this from the perspective of what HE deserves but from what an innocent child deserves....YOUR innocent child.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
DoneWithLove
♀ Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with all of you. He has changed and says he never wants to go back. Hes the complete opposite of how he was. I dont think hes trying to be manipulative in a controlling way, he says he wants to prove himself. I told him he can do it without knocking me up and he agrees. I can see the pain in his eyes when he beggs me and I turn him down. I feel pain too but I need to heal first and I dont think he really understands how a pregnancy wouldnt help anything right now. Babies dont fix things, they complicate things, especially since 1 more would make us outnumbered. He makes more than enough money and im a stay at home mom. We are seeing a MC, he agrees with me but understands where my H is coming from. He said that when two people have so much love for each other the only way to express it is by making a baby together as a product/ symbol of their love. I understand what he means but I feel like love is inflated and taken for granted when you throw sex into the equation. I dont trust him yet but hes making strides like letting me track his phone, giving me control of our money, calling me on his breaks and being more open and upfront with me. We have figured out the root of his problems in councilling and hes told me everything and put me in contact with her to cross reference their stories. To my surprise they coincided with each other. She had an attitude with me but thats ok, shes a sore looser and should have known that a man will never leave his W for the OW. He told me that I could cheat to get even and that he would be at home waiting if I decided to come back to him. I declined the offer because that would just add fuel to the fire.

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 9:11 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are seeing a MC, he agrees with me but understands where my H is coming from. He said that when two people have so much love for each other the only way to express it is by making a baby together as a product/ symbol of their love.

The MC said that? If so, wow. I have always been skeptical of counselors (not all), and this gives me another reason why.

He told me that I could cheat to get even and that he would be at home waiting if I decided to come back to him.

Uhh, you may think that sounds like proof that he is committed, but I think it's proof that he should be committed.

Well, okay I said that just because it sounded good -- but that is not a healthy thing to say. At best, it shows that he doesn't really understand the significance of affairs. In actuality, it sounds manipulative. A false way of showing his devotion/remorse.

[This message edited by Later at 9:11 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't reccomend rushing into a new baby right now. We had a huge suprise shortly after dday#2. I would not trade her for the world.

But sleepless nights, stress, fighting, tension, pregnancy hormones, pregnancy body image, nursing, sleepless nights again.....

All that isn't ideal to accomplish R, and isn't an ideal enviroment to begin a new life.

I will also add, that little HB baby girl was the only one of our 3 kids to have health complications....


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3600 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
DoneWithLove
♀ Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our councillor is helping alot and that was just a portion of a very long conversation. He told me that in the beginning, after we decided to R and I know it would be detrimental to both of us if I had a revenge affair. I think it was a shot in the dark to see if it would be something I needed to do to get even. It was a bad shot but it was a shot that took courage because for all he knew, I could have wanted to go revenge cheat. I dont think he knew what to do. He asks me what I want from him and he would do anything I ask of him but right now, outside of what hes already doing or done, I dont know what would help me or make things better.


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Say NO.

This is bullshit.

His argument sucks and is ridiculously stupid....and here's why:

I dont want a baby right now

Case closed. Thank goodness that ONE of you has a clear mind!

Actually. I just re-read your post and you didn't go into *what* about his argument was so good? YOU like having being pregnant and having babies? Where's the *good* argument there? Do you want to have multiple babies with a cheater????

Look. I am a female and I have 3 male children. I was disappointed when my first was identified as a male because I'm an only child with very little babysitting experience and had NO idea WTH to even DO with a baby boy. When I went to the sonogram for my 2nd child, alone, and was told it was a boy. I cried because I wanted a girl.

Not long after Dday....Sultan brought up, very strongly, the idea of having another child. By that time I was *over the moon* with the 3 boys that I had. I am actually 'glad' that I don't have a girl-child (too much drama)...but he wanted to *give* me my girl.

The truth of the matter is that he just wanted to *entrench* me with him.

DWL, resist that *heart-strings* tug......it smells like manipulation to me.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7879 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
DoneWithLove
♀ Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like youve been burnt more than once. This is a bad situation but good things can come from it, with or without him. I know its not a good idea right now but if I ever feel I can trust him again then we will cross that bridge when I get there.


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You sound a bit snippy and defensive. Why?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7879 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
DoneWithLove
♀ Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont understand the extreme negativity. This post is a small part of what's going on in our situation, just like all the little pieces in your unique situation.


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not *following* your 'extreme negative' rendition. You posted that you don't want another baby right now and are considering birth control.

I am merely concurring with your decision.

And btw...you never did mention what your WH said that constituted a *good* argument for having child #2....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7879 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
DoneWithLove
♀ Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's wrong with having another baby with him if hes remorseful and at my every beck and call. Hes willingly done everything ive asked of him and then some. I didnt think he could change even for our boys but hes went above and beyond. Hes given me the final say on everything. Our councillor said that what hes been doing and how much hes changed is 90% more then what most BSs get from the WS. Thats a big percentage if you ask me.


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in the same position shortly after DDay as well. Hell, I still am. FWH broaches having another kid about once a month, and he has done a LOT of work on himself. I'm still not sure if we're going to be able to make it for the long haul, even with his transformation.

It's really personal, and never easy to figure this out. Day by day I feel like I'm racing the clock to have the second I've always wanted. To have a sibling for my DD would be bliss, but the waters are still a little too muddy for my liking.

Even my ObGyn, who knows our WHOLE story, gives me a bad time about NOT trying right now. Conversely, my IC thinks it would be a TERRIBLE idea to have another child right now.

So I wait, and that's ok.

You're only a few months out. You don't even need to be thinking about this right now. You have time. My $0.02? Put the thought on ice for a bit, telling yourself that you're not making a decision either way until the world has slowed down a bit.


(((DWL)))


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 16850 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So you've just gone from asking if he *deserves* another baby to defending him and yourself.

By your own words, your WH is uber-remorseful and your counselor agrees. So go back and re-read your post. Why did you ask your question if you already have your answer? Your WH has expressed the desire to have another baby. He seems remorseful. Your counselor agrees.

So go ahead and have another baby with the guy. Easy peasy.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7879 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Hearthache again
♀ Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to think this out from all angles. If you WS is remorseful then he will understand you not trusting him fully to have another baby right now.

Please consider what would happen if he did cheat again while you were pregnant. It is not easy I had DDay #2 when I was 18 weeks pregnant with number 4. It was unplanned and I wish we would of waited. It would of meant a lot more to us having a child after we fully R.

You need time to fully heal from this. Not only does our emotions take a major hit but so does our body. Do you really want to add a pregnancy on top of the physical stress you are feeling. It could lead to complications before and after delivery. When our bodies are stressed they don't heal well.


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember in the early parts of R I would always post that he was doing 100% the right things and totally remorseful. But just look at my signature line. It took me awhile to realize what was true remorse and what was really him just trying to make it better for him. He trickled truthed me for 9 months, We have members here that have gotten it for years. I'm not saying this is your husband, just consider what people are telling you. It comes from experience and having seen new members come and talk like many of us did in the early stages. My advice...wait...give yourself goals in your relationship you want to reach first.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

Posts: 1718 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's wrong with having another baby with him if hes remorseful and at my every beck and call. Hes willingly done everything ive asked of him and then some. I didnt think he could change even for our boys but hes went above and beyond. Hes given me the final say on everything. Our councillor said that what hes been doing and how much hes changed is 90% more then what most BSs get from the WS. Thats a big percentage if you ask me.

I think it is outstanding that he has shown remorse and you two have made such progress.

However. You are only 3 months removed from him having an affair.

I hate to throw this in your face, but look at your username -- and then look at your join date.

Obviously this is your decision, but you asked for opinions. There are a lot of incidents of false reconciliation.

I think the collective wisdom is to evaluate a WS's behavior over time. Honeymoon periods are fairly common.

False reconciliations notwithstanding, I tend to think you two need some more time to focus on yourselves as individuals and as a couple.

Just my two cents.


Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 46
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