when i first went through dday....my husband too was remorseful...i thought at the time that he was doing all he could to repair the marriage. and this was only a few months out from dday. i was saying things like we are in r. and i knew i wanted to have another child. but deep down..even thouhg he was "doing all he could"....i knew in my heart that i was still so very hurt...deeply hurt by what he had done. i wanted to believe we were in r....i wanted to believe in him. 9 months later...i discovered i was in false r. in looking back...now that i am stronger and know my worth...and after a lot of ic...i clearly can look back and see that i had never been in true r...and that there really wasnt a real honest attempt at r on his part. at least not following the definitions of true r in the healing library on this site...or from what other members have identitied. in fact...i was no where near r.
now, i believe we are attempting a true r...and it has been 7 months since the discovery of my false r.
i say all of this because you just have to know that it is takes TIME to heal. it really does. there are no shortcuts...none. 3 months is not enough time for anyone to heal in my opinion....let alone for him to reestablish trust with you in a healthy way....or prove that he had done the hard work it takes to understand why he cheated and put the necessary boundaries in place to ensure it would never happen again. that alone takes time. 3 months...most BS are still in shock.
your husband may want to have another baby. he just might. but just consider that he might want to have another baby as a way to "rugsweep" or "get back to normal." you know what i mean? and it just doesnt work like that. if anything, rugsweeping, and rushing to make things better will only make things worse in the long run. of course he wants to have another child...he knows that will make you happy...help you get past what he did. but the next time he talks about it.....see if he will do this:
1. tell him what you told us...that you are not ready since it is too soon from dday, and you dont trust him right now.
2. see if he will consider going to ic to really understand why he did what he did.
3. tell him that moving forward, you want the password to all phone records..not just the phone, but the actual phone bill that shows all calls. ask for the same for his computer.
tell him that you want him to do these things to feel safe....and after a long period of time of no "incidents", then you can talk about having another child.
see what he says.
And I have to say, my head exploded when I read this:
We are seeing a MC, he agrees with me but understands where my H is coming from. He said that when two people have so much love for each other the only way to express it is by making a baby together as a product/ symbol of their love.
Substitute "having sex" for "making a baby together" and that sounds exactly like the argument a horny high school boy would use trying to get his girlfriend to do the deed. Whaaaat? So the ONLY WAY to express that love is to have a baby? I guess couples who remain childless never fully express their love? I'm sorry but I would have laughed at that guy.
It's not fair to bring a child into such a situation, and you two do NOT need the stress of a newborn.
JMO, since you asked.
Many people here are months and years out from R and they know how rocky things are in the process of truely reconciling.
You have asked for advice, and there is a lot of good advice here.
At this moment you both need to focus on yourselves and your marriage. Having a baby now would draw that attention away and would basically be rug sweeping the affair. Just because the reason is a joyous one, doesn't mean that it's not rug sweaping.
And while none of our futures are set into stone - the youngness of your Dday and the newness of you guys getting into R makes such a permanent and lasting choice hard to comprehend.
Do not use a child as a bandaid for your marriage. That is not fair to you or the child. Do not put that kind of weight and responsiblity onto an innocent soul.
Also, I think that your MC is way out of line. There are other things that you can do with your love then create a child together. Think of all the childless couples out there that love wholely and fully dispite having a child together.
Please step back and take a breath - listen to your gut saying that its not the right time, and if you can't do it for yourself, put yourself in that child's place. Would you want to be the 'child that was supposed to save mommy and daddy"?
If I had seen the whole thread, I wouldn't have responded, so I'm deleting my post, which added nothing new.
[This message edited by sisoon at 9:43 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]
You know being pregnant adds stress to even the healthiest relationships so, why add this stress in now? Finances change, emotions run high, you're tired, why add this on top of his cheating? What happens when he's stressed at home and needs "someone to talk to"?? What happens when he's tired and needs "a night off"? Then you're a few more years in, no R, with two kids and you're a SAHM which is awesome, God knows if I could, I would, but can you raise them alone if he left? Or if he cheated again?
Just take a breather, slow it down.
Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August
I didn't read your post as you even considering having a baby now and really your question was should you ever have another child with him. I think the answer to that will come to you, after he has spent a considerable time changing.
I think the thing many are zeroing in on here is that your WH is pressuring you, and the MC seems to be encouraging him or at least not telling him to give it a rest.
I ended up accidentally pregnant 6 months after Dday and only about a month after I got the full truth about the extent of my WH's affair. By the time I found out I was pregnant he was the model wayward, and he was over the moon about having another child and the chance to "do it right" this time. It was the ultimate "do over." I was angry and upset and believed for a time that his true motivation was to trap me and told him so. I don't believe that now, or at least don't believe he was consciously trying to do that.
Here is what it is like being pregnant and working on reconciliation with a totally remorseful and really model wayward spouse:
You know the rollercoaster you are on where some days you feel great and others you are crying your eyes out because you are thinking of your husband having sex with another woman? Try adding hormones to that.
What if the pregnancy is hard? What if you end up on bed rest and can't take care of your children? That will put a LOT of stress on your marriage. Do you believe your husband will have or make the flexibility to help you out enough to get through it?
What happens in the months after you have the baby when everyone is sleep deprived and the two of you are barely functioning let alone able to spend considerable time healing yourselves and each other? Do you know enough about why he cheated to know that he won't act out again when he isn't getting enough of your attention or appreciation? Are you prepared for the amount of work it will take to carve out the time needed to maintain post-affair healing?
What if you have postpartum depression? What if the postpartum hormonal shift triggers MAJOR affair related PTSD?
All of these are possibilities. These are questions not intended to dissuade you, but are the ones that I personally have wrestled with, continue to wrestle with, and WH and I actively discuss.
Listen, in some ways this pregnancy has been great. Although unexpected it has been a HUGE motivator for WH and I to work harder on ourselves than we otherwise would have and harder to make our marriage as healthy as it can be before this baby comes. That being said, I also had to reconcile the fact that I may be setting myself up to be a single mom of 3 kids instead of 2. Don't do that to yourself. Give it time - a lot of time.
I get why your husband wants this. Babies are sweet and a symbol of love and he wants to prove that he really loves you. Knocking you up is a fast and easy way to show you that. Here is the thing he is losing sight of. This isn't a sprint. It is a marathon. A grueling marathon. The best way he can show his love and devotion to you and your family is to heal himself, get into IC and do the hard HARD work to figure out what broken part of him allowed him to cheat and why. That takes a lot of time and very difficult introspection. Only very broken people cheat. This will do a lot more to heal your marriage than rushing into having more children.
Having another child so soon is not going to fix the problem. It could even escalate the problem. And that is not fair to your children. I would let him know he is on probation and that you will revisit the idea of another child in a year. Let him know only when you feel safe and secure in your relationship with him and he proves himself totally that you will THINK about another baby. It seems he is trying to put a band aid on the problem and that band aid is another baby. Way too soon.
A child shouldn't be born with a job. it sounds like your WH thinks having a new baby will solve all your problems..or at least tie you to him a bit more and making leaving more difficult.
R is a LONG,HARD,and PAINFUL road. Even with a remorseful WS. It's an emotional roller coaster...everyone here is trying to give you the benefit of their experience. If you would rather rugsweep,go ahead.
True change..true remorse..lasts forever. There is no way you can know if your WH has truly changed until he has proven so..over time..alot of time.
[This message edited by confused615 at 11:19 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
A week ago you were posting that your WH is selfish, and now you are claiming that he is a model remorseful WS. I feel like you are trying to convince yourself that you are holding up R. The fact is that it takes a long time to recover, even with a perfectly remorseful spouse, and there are no shortcuts. There just aren't.
I am not going to even touch the baby part. I am the last person qualified to counsel someone on having another baby before R is complete. My concern is that IME almost inevitably on SI when a BS tries to rush the healing, it winds up biting them in the ass. Not always because the WS is not truly remorseful (though that happens more often than anyone wishes it would) but because we all, BS and WS, are imperfect and won't do everything right all the time.
If you are still reading, I will tell you that often, even as a BS, the advice that I least wanted to hear was the advice I most needed to hear.
It just doesnt help recovery. Granted my fWH has been there like a rock at every turn and every appointment. But it still makes you feel trapped. Plus with all the emotional baggage a pregnancy brings... it'll be too much to add.
You have no idea where you stand 3 months out. If there are more details that you dont know. Its too soon to make the decision to bring another child into all this.
If recovery goes smoothly one day you'll be happy to have another baby. Dont do it yet!
that is good that he is doing what he needs to do in the healing library....but give it time....for your own emotional safety to make sure that he continues to behave the way you need him to. see, the old marriage is dead. you will have to create a new marriage build on honor, transparency, trust, and commitment...and that takes a long time to define...and establish....and even then...it may not work. that is why this whole r process is so hard.
you last note sounds like you are deeply hurt...and are afraid of losing him...like you might chase him away....or that if you do something...he might leave you. that is very common to feel that way....but it is not r...you know what i mean?
right now is about you healing...and him moving heaven and earth by his actions....only his actions to ensure that he is getting the help he needs to get healthy, and by repeated examples..showing you that he can be trusted again.
if you think that for one minute that he might leave you, or get upset....or if it might hurt the chances of r if you do or dont do something....then let that be a red flag...that you and your marriage are nowhere near ready to have another child...or "move on."
if he is being great....let him continue to do that for a long time....
dont leave this site....we are here for you....
one day, whether you r or not, you might be giving this same advice to another new member in pain....
Give it time, you have lots of time. They say not to make any major decisions for 12 months post D-day, at the very least give yourself 9 more months.
I think I will start by staying off of here for a while seeing as half of everyones opinions are negative and counterproductive in improving my self esteem and optimism about R with my H.
I agree with confused615, Infidelity is no walk in the park.
It is a life changing moment where you see who your WH really is. And what he is capable of doing to you. You can and perhaps will heal from this breech with time but your marriage has forever been changed...by him.
I know that it seems that your WH is unique. Like he can trump his leaving you after 6 years of marriage and small children for a co-worker that he had known a week, then slept with her after saying he wouldn't. Because he is
at my every beck and call.
??Okay...Perhaps he is being the MOST genuinely remorseful WH in history but sadly Infidelity is soooo common.
This is why these boards are so helpful. You will invariably see yourself in someone's story.
As far as
"everyones opinions are negative and counterproductive"
...improving my self esteem
Perhaps you would benefit from IC? I hope that you can see to your own mental health soon.
Here is a term for you "Rugsweeping".
Beware of this tendency to quickly forgive. Seems like you would like to forgive him and move on with life but this sends the wrong message to the Wayward.
Cheating, lying and sleeping around should have consequences.
Honor yourself by giving some much needed time to process and grieve the changes in your marriage caused by the affair. If not, your true feelings will later fester and the hurt and anger will raise its ugly head in the worst way.
I know...negative again. Sorry, being betrayed is just not a 'happy' subject.
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
1. WS'es often promise all sorts of things to get the BS to shut the hell up about the affair. Getting the BS pregnant is a frequent one, along with buying her lots of pricey stuff. It's not that the WS wants a baby- he wants to get off the hook for what he's done. He pinpointed what you want most - lots of babies - and is trying to bribe you to forget the affair. Manipulation. He may even begin to resent the pregnancy and baby later once his fresh remorse wears off and the two of you are limited in the personal time and fun you can have together to build the marriage, instead of up all night with leaky breasts to feed baby and changing wet diapers. You need COUPLE TIME to rebond. You won't have couple time if you have an infant's needs to attend to, in addition to your other two kids. REBOND as a couple to solidify the marriage. What if you get the baby that cries constantly, doesn't sleep, spits up constantly to where you have to feed every hour just to keep them from losing weight, and you don't sleep for two years? Colicky and you go through one hell of a postpartum along with affair recovery?
2. You haven't gone through all of the stages of recovery yet - similar to stages of grief - and especially the rage stage. Anger and rage dumping adrenaline on that fetus 24/7, and sleepless nights, not eating well, could harm the health of your fetus if you become pregnant. You'll feel one helluva lot worse if you always have to wonder if your kid has issues because you didn't choose to wait a year or so to recover your physical and emotional health before deciding to have the child, but instead used the pregnancy as a way of consoling yourself before your body and emotions stabilized.
3. Doctors recommend spacing children at least two to three years apart. Exhausted and nutritionally depleted mothers are at higher risk to give birth prematurely, which can lead to developmental delays and disabilities of kids.
4. You're acting fearful to ideas of a sensible one year wait, as if deep down you think he will leave you if you don't have another baby. You're placing a huge responsibility on this child - to save your marriage - that if you aren't even sure you can save it yourself is an unfair burden to place on a baby.
5. If you're hoping that a "pregnancy hormone high" will erase all pain of the affair - it won't. You won't have a pregnancy high at a time of stress, and post-partum will hit much more strongly.
6. Six month mark is also where a WS begins to show if his changes for the better have "taken" more permanently. It is best to wait until who you see who that man you married really is. If the changes have "taken" you'll be a stronger couple, and can build a marriage to be stronger, which is a more stable family for your kids in long run rather than just a larger family.
[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 5:01 AM, June 21st (Friday)]
I'M ON THE FENCE