A question about an argument we had tonight...
We are almost 36 months after Dday. (Dday was in early July). fWW had 4 month EA and 1-weekend PA in 2010 with xBF from college who she hadn't seen or heard a peep from in 30 years. Dday occurred in our living room. More is in my profile.
R has been an up and down road. FWW has taken many actions to have good R (NC established early on, near full transparency (but I can't view her work communications... mail/work phone...everything else I have access to), she has been accountable for where she is (almost all the time), went to MC, she apologized a number of times for the A and my pain, & has tried to make amends).
BUT when it comes to talking about the A, she gets very defensive, partly due to shame and partly (I think) due to frustration (at this point) that I'm not over it yet.
Tonight, she was out at a work function that was supposed to have her back at 1030pm. She returned at 1130pm. In that 1 hour, I had a massive trigger meltdown.
When she got home, I asked her where she was and why she was late. Explanation was: out with co-workers for a drink after the work event. In pre-A days, this would be totally acceptable to me. But because of the A, I was triggering badly at the late arrival. FWW didn't call to tell me she would be late, because her cell phone battery was dead (...but she couldn't borrow a colleague's phone to call and say "I'm at (this place) with (these people) and I'll be home by (this time)???"
I told FWW I was triggering badly, and she lost it. Her response was: "Well you know that trip we were going to take this weekend to pick up our DD at camp?....you can go alone."
Then the floodgates opened: "I already told you I"m sorry...how many times do I have to tell you...you're never going to trust me again...nothing I do will ever make a difference...I'll always be a cheater in your eyes...this will never get better."
When I trigger, I want her to say this, delivered softly and sincerely: "I am so sorry I did something that caused you pain. I understand that showing up late, and not contacting you to tell you I would be late caused you to feel pain. I am SO SORRY my actions caused you that pain. Look at me, I will never have an affair and hurt you like that ever again. Please accept my apology for not calling you tonight." ...But instead of that I get the "pushback".
In many ways we've healed a lot, and I know there won't ever be 100% trust again, but I don't think we've gotten to the point where I can feel safe when things like this come up (especially when I get THAT reaction), and I'm not at the point where I can forgive. Sometimes, I tell her when I trigger badly like this. The triggers (large and small) happen often, but my sharing about it happens rarely.
With us 3 years out from D-day with multiple apologies already given, am I expecting too much in terms of WW showing caring and remorse when I trigger and tell her about it?
Is she right that she's "done enough already" and I should get over it?
Should I be better at managing the fear on my own, and not share it with fWW? I know at 0/12/24 months, the answer would be "NO!!! It's on the WS to work with you carefully and compassionately." But at 36 months? BS and WS comments welcome. Thanks!