However, then I reflected more on my past. By ex-WS was diagnosed NPD. While attempting R, he called one of the (many) OW to work his extra job on our 10 year anniversary so he could go to our dinner. He could never understand why this was wrong. My ex will never get better. I knew I had to leave. Even now, 7 years later, I still struggle to withdrawal and recover from the damage caused from my former life. If it wasnít from the help, love, and understanding my H gives me now, I would still be caught up.
I pray for your peace Skan!
I am sitting here welling tears for the hurt I have given you again. I have been nauseated all day and have had stress burns in my arms. That is where I carry the stress, I guess.
It has been as bad as DDay. Like that day, I knew I could not lie to you about my transgression. Like that day, I knew I was wrong and you were devastated. I know you realize down deep that I had done something wrong. Covering it up would have led to more hurt.
I was childish to not destroy the porn. I was childish and selfish to bring it back into the house. I was criminally stupid and malicious to hide it in the box with the other porn (playboys). When I was repacking the closet and found that box, I should have dumped it and the porn. I did not. I lied as I had promised myself I would not.
It was also stupid of me not to search better through the stacks by the bed when I removed the porn stories. Finding that Ďpulloutí added extra pain. It made me more of a liar. The letter from high school was probably just piling on.
I think I have found all of your messages. All are on the mark.
I hope you are safe. I understand why you do not feel safe in a house with someone who has proven to be a selfish, spoiled liar. I am sorry. That is not being a victim, it is remorse.
I have not laughed at you. I have never laughed at your pain. I have been very concerned. I have tried to help when it was bad. I was not laughing when you had lymeís. I have not laughed at your pain this last year. I was holding you and crying when you were, literally, beating yourself up at various times. I do care. (note, my PTSD sometimes causes me to hit myself under stress)
I have an appointment with IC Wednesday. I called him as soon as I got to the office. I am continuing to see him and talk to him. I am going to talk about my addict behaviors, my lies, and my need for Ďstuffí that have hurt you again.
Please be well. I am praying for both of us.
This letter was evidently written Tuesday night after he got home. My response, left on top of his box of pornography in the middle of the garage :
Do you really expect that I think that you cried? You donít cry for me, for us. Situations that would have a fully-committed man blubbering with snot running down his nose leave you with a vaguely concerned look on your face. I have only seen you truly cry once, in bed, and it was all about you. About how I really didnít know you. And whose fault is that?
I have knocked, kicked, scratched, beaten on the door, asking to be let in. You have never unlocked the door. You step out onto the porch and firmly lock that door behind you. Iím not welcome there. You have never let me in. You pretend that the house behind you doesnít exist. Even when weíre standing on the porch.
I have news for you. This is worse than DDay. Because I bought into your lies this year. I made the decision to trust you, to love you. I saw a better tomorrow. You let me believe in all of that. You actively encouraged me and set me up for this fall. You did it knowingly, maliciously, and with great intent. You took all of the scars in my Psyche, all of the scars on my heart and on my soul, and you ripped them wide open again, leaving me to hemorrhage all over the floor. I donít know if thereís enough healthy tissue for healing this time.
You spent the last year grin-fucking me. Telling me whatever you learned that I needed to hear, to make me fall in love with you again. To make me feel safe. You watched me go thru hell, bleeding at every step, crazy out of my mind with grief, and you held back a secret, admitting that ďI knew it would hurt you, I didnít think you would find out.Ē You used me. For your own, twisted gratification. MC held me today while I cried. I wept in his arms and I felt safe. You held me in your arms and I felt safe, until a day ago. The sad thing is, that I do think that you care, that you love me. I just donít think that you know what love is. I donít know what passes for love inside of you, but it isnít normal.
WH, I would light a match to anything inside of this house, anything that I own, if it meant that you would be whole. I would torch the house. I would give up anything that I own, tear it apart with my bare hands, if it meant that you would be whole and healthy and loved and safe. I have let you into my mind, my soul, and I have held nothing back from you. All for you, for us. Thatís what love is. I laid everything that was mine to give on an alter for you. And you shat upon it. These material possessions are worth more to you than I am. You have no idea of how that makes me feel, as you have no idea truly of what love really is.
So hereís your stuff. Enjoy it. Hold it tight to your body. Caress it. Lay on top of it and breath it all in. Itís all yours. Your true lover, the true love of your life. What hold it has on you, I donít know. I do know that itís supremely unhealthy, but thatís your choice to make. Enjoy your mistress.
And hereís a really simple tip on how to stop lying. Just Stop. Just. Stop.
I am setting a time limit. I am coming home on Friday afternoon at the latest. Earlier, if you purge our property of your mistresses. But on Friday afternoon, I will come home and if that material is not out of the house, then you will be. If you cannot bear to be parted from your goddesses, then I suggest that you go on Craigís List and look for a room to rent in TownThatHeWorksIn. That will put you in walking/bus/riding distance for work when your DUI suspension takes place. I have worked out the budget and we can afford $1000 for you to get a room. I checked Craigs List and that is reasonable for up there. But truly, I donít give a rats ass where you go youíre an adult and can make that decision. I offer the suggestion up only as something that you will need to think about, transportation wise, in less than a monthís time.
So, I'm sitting in my hotel room, choking down some food, and then I'm getting ready for a birthday party being thrown down by the harbor at 5:30 for a friend's 50th birthday. I will have my makeup on, look stunning, and will be chatty, welcoming, and kind to everyone I see. It might look like I'm wearing some nice Hawaiian flip flops, but I assure you that they are pointy-toed bitch boots of the finest Corinthian leather. And if he has the balls to show up before his IC appt., I will be gay, and vague, and surrounded by our friends. Drinking Tonic from a wine glass.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
You have been an inspiration throughout my posts and I want to say you are amazing.
My WH has been addicted to porn since 12 yo. Collected it secretly throughout our marriage and also lied to me after dday about quiting saying didn't think I would find out. Didn't think it would matter...
Your post is etched into my mind and the next time he better watch out. I've learned from the pros (no pun intended, my WH saw prostitutes).
Stay strong I know you are hurting.
Take care of you.
Hoping he finally 'gets it.' Not sure he will. But am glad YOU get it. Sending hugs to you.......
Hugs and best wishes.
[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 8:48 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]
I admire you and your strength.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Married for over 14 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
Stay strong. We will be here to prop you up when needed.
Your grace and emotional intelligence is amazing.
Gahhh, it makes me SO FREAKING MAD that a man could become "emotionally attached" to a pile of paper vaginas, and then choose the fucking paper over his amazing wife, a real live, living, breathing human being.
Apparently, he has learned nothing.
You are so bang on when you told him to lie on top of his porn and caress it.
Keep moving girl...we are here for you, whatever you decide.
a friend of mine went through the same thing.
Her FWH had a LTA ,they went through all of the post d-day emotions and went to IC and MC.She thought they were R.
And then, a few years after d-day she found out that he slipped up with porn (this had been an issue before he embarked on the LTA) and the new rule post d-day was zero tolerance for porn.
She packed her bags and was ready to throw in the towel.
I suggested Sex Addicts anonymous (SA) because of the success my FWH had with attending AA.
I do believe that many of the WS have addictive personalities and the infidelity is yet another way that they act out (not an excuse mind you but an explanation).
She demanded he go to SA.
Both she and her FWH were a bit nervous about it.
They had imagined meetings with some very creepy guys etc.
It turned out that the meeting was filled with men just like him.
Married, single, struggling with porn, the aftermath of infidelity etc.
She has told me that his going to SA saved their marriage.
He attends meetings every week and he is now the facilitator (leader).
She feels much safer now because she knows that he is working on his issues every week in this group.
He is more open and communicative etc.
I know that you are still in a state of shock after finding all of this and it may be too soon for you to consider anything other than S/D and in the end that may be the right thing for you but I just wanted to throw out this suggestion.
My hope for you is peace and strength...no matter where you land, I know it will be on two strong feet. I'm so sorry you're going through this, Skan. I'm so sorry for your hurt. There is no pain like DDay#1...until DDay#2, I understand too well. (((Skan)))
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this crazy making stuff. How men can put so much importance on a picture is beyond me. After all, it's a stupid porn picture, not the real thing. Not something to love, talk to, or build a future with. However it did sound like he was planning on growing old with them. How absolutely pathetic can you get???