I had a very painful conversation via phone with WH at 4am. He simply cannot tell me why this is so much more important to him. I cried in bed for two hours after that call, alone in a hotel room, stuffing a hotel towel in my teeth so I didn't wake up any of the adjacent rooms. I got to work, and decided Fuck It, and put in a text to WHs oldest sister, who he looks up to. She's the only one from his family that knows, unofficially, that he had an A. She came out here and spent the weekend with us not too long ago, and I purposefully went up to bed early so they could talk.
God Bless Her. She's an internationally-known health expert, with an RN, that was getting ready to climb on a plane to Japan to go onto Singapour to give a presentation. She called me about 3 seconds after I hit send, and talked me off of a ledge. We're both in agreement that he is addicted and is showing very strong addiction behaviors. She was able to tell me that when they talked at our house, most of the talk was about how much he adored me, how afraid he was of losing me, and what I meant to him. It sort of dovetailed into the 4am conversation where I asked him how someone who had, after being kicked out of our bed, who then slept outside the door to listen in case my night terrors came back so he could come in and comfort me, could show me such a calculated lack of respect and honor.
No, I'm not flying back into his arms saying all is forgiven. Ah HAIL no! But I am going forward from this point on as if he is an addict. He weaned himself off of all of his internet pornography. I have the monitoring proof of that. He purged the house of everything but this one box. That's a good step. He lied, purposefully and knowing what it would do to me. That's DDay #2. Now, I guess, it's time to have a talk about addiction and see where that goes. I can still walk. I have all the preparation for a single life and I can do that. Knowing that, I can afford the time to give myself time to see what the next week or two brings. I can pull the trigger, no doubt. My boots are still shiny and tall. But now I think that it's time we had a long series of talks. And I need to see what his actions are going to be.
It's a stronger today than it was a few hours ago. Wonder where it will lead?
D-Day, June 10, 2012
You're my hero.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Truly sorry that you find yourself here again.
I know from your posts that you are a strong and capable woman.
Take each step and day at a time.
Your husband has to take control over his behavior and stop trying to justify it. If he is a SA then he has to want to stop. Your healing and security has to come before his addiction. I hope he can do this because you sound like a truly amazing woman.
Good luck and know that we are all here rooting for you. You have helped us all and now we are here to support you right back.
Keep your head up, boots on and keep moving.
(((hugs and prayers)))
Looks like I'm going home tonight. I skyped, asking if it was safe (ie, the porn was out of the house) to come home tonight or if I should continue my plan on staying elsewhere tonight. I got a skype back saying that physically, the house was safe but mentally probably not. The note was:
WH: I have staged some things, but ran out of time. I was planning on loading the truck tonight and going to the dump on my way to work. The stories are not shredded yet, etc.
Me: If you are promising that the items will be out of the house tomorrow, I would like to come home tonight. I can give you provacy when you're doing the shredding. If you want completely privacy, then let me know because Ido have a place arrange to stay at.
WH: It will be gone tomorrrow morning. I was looking at things as I pakced so some are still alying out. If you are coming home, I would like until 8pm to get things into the garage and truck (I will shred in the garage).
I have to say, I'm taken aback. I figured that he would get a storage unit. I never, in my wildest dreams, thought that he would actually shred and dump. Of course, it hasn't happened yet, but I will have a receipt from the dump as one check, and a bag full of shred as another. And I will be searching the house again.
It's a positive sign. We need to talk and while we won't have much time tonight, at least we can talk a little bit. I see my IC tomorrow, hopefully he's talked to WHs IC by now, and hopefully we might have a bit more insight. One of the things that I intend to ask my IC and then his, when I meet with him, is if they think that he is a SA.
But for now, my spirit is about a gram lighter. Not much, but enough to dry the tears.
Stay strong sweetie.