I never wanted a revenge affair. Once I understood what was happening, I first tried to appeal to him to stop. He wouldn't. Then when he did stop, I just wanted to run away. Do you understand? You want to run to the person you usually do and when that person is the one who hurt you, it really becomes a major conflict of emotion in oneself.
Come back, run away because you might be hurt. Push away the one who hurt you in such a terrible way that you can't put yourself in more danger by running back.. to the person who hurt you and try to get relief.
Probably she is letting off steam. I would just listen to her when she says that. All I ever needed to hear was I was being listened to, that he understood, he was there for me, this thing he had done would never happen again because he didn't want to, he knew how badly he messed up and how he hurt me. Ineeded to hear it a lot. Over and over.
As for the impulse to put you into the position to abase yourself... it is the demand of a partner is who is hurt and frightened and angry and they are not getting what they need.
To the poster here who said that abasing themself was what got them here in the first place and once they ended the affair, they would not further humiliate themselves by acting in such ways anymore.. I don't know you and I am very aware this is a protected board... when did you start to feel you would be abasing yourself in terms of doing "anything" to help your partner recover?
I feel a little cynical, sorry. :(