If you do go this route then I recommend either meeting with the counselor together and discuss somethings. If there is agreement on what your spouse needs to work on in IC then bringing it out then would be good. Otherwise I'd suggest meeting individually with the counselor before a joint session.
I think a lot will depend on how much rugsweeping that you are seeing now to gauge possible truthfulness with IC
Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
My S/O and I do both, but we do it all together.
We do 50 minute sessions back-to-back. But we are both present. Obviously, given some of the underlying issues, trust is an obstacle. To remedy this, we're both present for all sessions.
I am present for his IC.
He is present for my IC.
We both attend MC.
All through the same therapist.
There are no secrets. No private discussions. Nothing subversive or covert. We have an amazing therapist and after alot of painful work we're happier than ever.
Whether you do IC, MC, or both...please just see someone. It helps enormously to work through thoughts, pasts, emotions, and behaviors in a nuetral environment with an unbiased person interested only in helping you become healthier and happier.
One issue to consider concerns confidentiality. If you see a separate therapist for IC, the treatment notes are considered confidential and cannot be produced for litigation or treatment purposes unless you expressly consent to it. If you see the same therapist for IC and MC, there may be an issue regarding the confidentiality of the IC treatment notes (ie., WH may be able to access MC notes without your consent). For WH and I, we have a written agreement with the therapist that IC treatment notes remain the property of the person undergoing IC and as such, are confidential to each respective party. In other words, before bringing issues up in MC, the therapist cannot reveal the contents of my/WH individual IC session without prior agreement (in therapy or litigation). Furthermore, MC treatments notes remain the property of both WH and I, and cannot be produced in litigation without the express written consent of both WH and I. Is that clear?
I do find it helpful that we are using the same therapist for IC and MC, so that there is a clear understanding of the situation. I also find there is also less "catch up" discussions in IC and MC, because I can discuss situations with her in IC before an MC session and vice versa.
My biggest suggestion is if this mc is not helping you move forward (either together or apart) then find another mc. If the mc makes you angry and sides with either ws or bs find another one. Like immediately, do not stop, do not pass go.
I found having the same mc and ic for both to work well. We made progress faster that way. Another hint, if ws does not go to any ic, that doesn't bode well for change either.
Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo
[This message edited by canteat at 10:35 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)]