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User Topic: Need help processing the stepkid
mariusa
♀ Member
Member # 13541
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've posted before about the problem I was having with the SO's stepdaughter.
Her mother unexpectedly died when she was 15. She is now 21.
I've been seeing SO for a year and a half. His stepdaughter hasn't accepted me at all. In fact made it a point to make my SO feel terrible about dating me. He couldn't even mention anything about me. All the usual stuff about him disrespecting the memory of her mother, blah, blah, blah.

Well seems all of a sudden she wants to meet me. And gee she needs a cake for her new boyfriend who she's planning a big surprise weekend for.... and hmmmm guess who makes cakes. Apparently her brother, who has no problem with me, and I've met many times, told her I make really cool cakes. (and let me tell you....my cakes take a lot of time and effort)
Now she asked SO if I would make her a special personalized cake and we could bring it down to her (3 hours away). And... it would have to be on a Friday before her big planned weekend... so I would have to take some time off work.
My SO is trilled to death! He thinks this is the greatest thing. He could barely contain his emotions telling me.

Well, call me a bitch but I'm pretty annoyed at this "break through".

I mean really....I thought she was selfish before but this brings it to a whole new level in my book. She'll finally meet me and make SO happy if I bake her a cake? He says this is her way of breaking the ice. I say bullshit, this is her way of continuing to be a spoiled brat. I am constantly amazed at the lengths he goes for her as is.

So what do I do? Just smile, bake a cake, and play nicey nice?
I know my answer, because I am a stupid sucker myself, but I'm still pretty disgusted.

I have so much stress in my life right now. I hate to have to swallow the crap that I'm feeling.
And it's not totally directed at her....that makes it so much worse.

Give me some insite, some wise words.... please??


BS(me)45 now 48, WH (POS)45 now 48
M 24trs, DD14, DS15
POS OW - then 24, now doesn't matter
D-day 1/2/07, Divorced 11/13/08
ôLive without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending."

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NY
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I have any sage advice, but I'm with you - she's just manipulating the situation to get what she wants. A super great cake through no effort of her own. Do this for me and I'll like you?!?! You aren't a bitch but she sure is! This behavior is more like a 13 year old.

Maybe a compromise is in order - you'll make the cake and haul it down there for a fair price. Or you'll make the cake if she comes and gets it. I think either of those are reasonable solutions.


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5243 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you smile, bake a cake, and make nicey-nice..... for your SO. You love him, you do this for him. I agree that she sounds like a shallow spoiled brat.

Take your weekend. Lovingly invest the time and energy into the cake with SO firmly in your mind and heart. Drive down with him and enjoy a mini-vacation getaway. Consider meeting her a bad night at a bad restaurant.

Remember, you get to come home. At least three hours means you won't have to endure mani-pedi days with her!!!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, this sounds like her being a spoiled brat. However, maybe once she meets you, she'll decide you're not so bad. If this gives you a chance to start a relationship, that's great.

I would also love you if bring me a cake, by the way.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2080 | Registered: Jan 2013
mariusa
♀ Member
Member # 13541
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I probably will do just that, bake a cake, make nicey nice, drive all the freaking way down there and try to enjoy the weekend. But it's a month away and I don't like the fact that the resentment will stew inside me.

Do I express it to SO or do I quietly stew?

Thank you for the replies...just knowing that my feelings are valid, helps!

ETA: ....I'm, I'm, I'm just so yucky about this!!

[This message edited by mariusa at 6:49 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]


BS(me)45 now 48, WH (POS)45 now 48
M 24trs, DD14, DS15
POS OW - then 24, now doesn't matter
D-day 1/2/07, Divorced 11/13/08
ôLive without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending."

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NY
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not express it to SO.

1. There is a SMALL chance she is breaking the ice and everything forward will be GREAT...

2. He probably already knows and feels caught in the middle worrying that this is unfair to you or could go badly, etc.

He was "thrilled" when he told you. Let him be thrilled. You have a three hour ride home to process what actually happens.

I wouldn't NOT talk to him about it. If your relationship is open and sharing then I would discuss it but try to keep anticipation low, expectations to myself unless he asks directly. Then I would likely answer it in the same vein, "I am happy to do this because it makes YOU happy" kind of thing.

It sticks out to me that it is his stepdaughter. That has to mean there is a bond there that is more complicated than I can grasp??

Oh, and cliche for the day "worry is investing in a problem you don't have yet." Try not to stew. Think of all the quality hours you get in the car!!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
mariusa
♀ Member
Member # 13541
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His stepdaughter, yes.
He came into her life when she was about 7. From what I gather her mother totally spoiled both her and her brother..it seems they rule the roost even worse after her death.
She is an over achiever since her mother died...3 majors at an ivy league school. Her brother... the polar opposite, at home, does absolutely nothing.
She is way overly dependent on my SO. He is overly giving.
Her real dad is in the picture but is like an uncle.

I could tolerate it up until now because she is 3 hours away although it hurt when she exudes me from things like concerts, dinners, special events that they go down there for. Excludes is putting it mildly...I don't exist.
I could give dozens of examples.

Yes, this could mean a good relationship can blossom.
I just don't like the way she is going about it because it reinforces that she has not grown and matured...she is still a spoiled manipulator.

I guess it goes deeper for me too because I ignore what I feel is the "dysfunction" of SO's whole family dynamic. And now it maybe slapping me in the face.


BS(me)45 now 48, WH (POS)45 now 48
M 24trs, DD14, DS15
POS OW - then 24, now doesn't matter
D-day 1/2/07, Divorced 11/13/08
ôLive without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending."

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NY
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw your tagline.

I guess I would say listen to yourself...


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seriously, though, what I get from the last post is that you are hurt. By her behavior but also that SO has allowed this. He is the one who has not enforced a boundary and tolerated her selfish spoiled hurtful exclusion of you.

And now... is now a time to address this or hope that it will be different? THAT I don't know. What do you want to do?


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
CheaterMagnet
♀ Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is so tricky. I totally get where you are coming from and I agree with you that she is manipulating the situation to get a free cake. I would be resentful as hell too.

As to whether or not you discuss this with your SO, that depends. Are you willing to live like this for the rest of your relationship? You've put up with it for a year and a half now. Sure, this weekend is a chance to forge a new positive relationship with her. But honestly, it isn't going to suddenly transform her from a spoiled, selfish, controlling little twat into a kind, loving "daughter."

The fact that your SO is allowing her to exclude you and ignore your very existence for this long is a giant red flag for me. It does not bode well for the future. In my experience (and YMMV), this will not change. You will always lose and spoiled little twat will always win.

I've lived this for 8 years with WH's daughter. Except that I've known her since she was born and was like a second mother to her. Until I married her Dad. Then I became the evil bitch. She hasn't acknowledged my existence for 6 years and WH still panders to that.

Think long and hard about this dynamic. Because it probably won't change.

(((((HUGS))))) to you. This sucks.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Make the cake & nicely tell your SO why. Tell him you'll do it for him, out of respect for his relationship with her, and that you look forward to a fun get away weekend with him.

If all of us learned nothing from the shit that brought us to SI, it's that stuffing feelings, pretending & rugsweeping have NO place in our lives. But being open, honest, forthcoming And kind do. Especial with our families & partners.

Good luck. Cake pictures please!!!


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3118 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say bullshit, this is her way of continuing to be a spoiled brat. I am constantly amazed at the lengths he goes for her as is.

Yep. I would have issues with this because you're having to take off work for it. And I can see you baking the cake but I would tell her she has to arrange to pick it up, that you can't take off work, etc. All the while reminding her how long it will take you to create - bake and decorate this cake.

Your SO is letting this girl run his life. How long are you willing to put up with that? You know damn well that she's using you in this instance. She gets an awesome and FREE cake that you're going to bust your ass to make. You KNOW she will not be grateful about it the following day.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even better, ask your SO to arrange a dinner or something down by her for all of you to get together and meet so you can work out some of the details. Take her reaction to that suggestion on how to proceed over the next month.

Will she be too busy? Cancel? Avoid the whole thing like the plague?


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
mariusa
♀ Member
Member # 13541
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ya know, that's what pisses me off even more.
There was/is no attempt to meet me before she asked for the cake. She needs it the first weekend in August. I know she is expecting SO to come down there mid-July so she can take him out for s be-lated fathers day dinner...it being belated is a whole other story.

Like I said, my feelings are coming to a head.
I don't like being used so blatantly.



BS(me)45 now 48, WH (POS)45 now 48
M 24trs, DD14, DS15
POS OW - then 24, now doesn't matter
D-day 1/2/07, Divorced 11/13/08
ôLive without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending."

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NY
missherlots
♂ Member
Member # 30591
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mariusa,

just remember that you are doing it for him not for her.

He will see your love and kindness beyond the cake.
No one can treasure it enough.

My opinion.


Pain and suffering is part of life, but I choose to feel love and compassion for all people excluding no one.

Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2011
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really like the suggestion of meeting ahead of time. It's an excuse to plan, but also gives you a chance to actually get to know each other, which I promise won't happen during a surprise party she is hosting...


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13784 | Registered: Jul 2011
hurtinky
♀ Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the cake fiasco is just a symptom of the real problem. I remember some past posts about your SO's relationship with these kids and it sounded unhealthy to me. I'm guessing that hasn't changed a great deal, and you have stuffed your feelings about this. I could be wrong, but that's my guess.

I wouldn't be baking the cake, even to please a SO. But, I'm a bitch like that. It would feel like rewarding bad behavior to me. SO is insensitive to ask and frankly, clueless if he thinks this is a relational breakthrough. It's not. She's just figured out that you can meet a need she has.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

needs a cake for her new boyfriend who she's planning a big surprise weekend

Are you and your SO invited to the party or just being used as a delivery service? I think she is selfish. Maybe this will be a chance for her to show she's changed once she meets you or it will show SO how rude her behavior is. I would make the cake for SO...not her.


Posts: 35758 | Registered: Mar 2011
mariusa
♀ Member
Member # 13541
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are just a drop off service. They are going away for the weekend.

If SO doesn't already see her selfishness he never will. I think he does but ignores it.


BS(me)45 now 48, WH (POS)45 now 48
M 24trs, DD14, DS15
POS OW - then 24, now doesn't matter
D-day 1/2/07, Divorced 11/13/08
ôLive without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending."

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NY
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((marisu)))

That is awful and selfish of her.


Posts: 35758 | Registered: Mar 2011
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