Well, call me a bitch but I'm pretty annoyed at this "break through".
I mean really....I thought she was selfish before but this brings it to a whole new level in my book. She'll finally meet me and make SO happy if I bake her a cake? He says this is her way of breaking the ice. I say bullshit, this is her way of continuing to be a spoiled brat. I am constantly amazed at the lengths he goes for her as is.
So what do I do? Just smile, bake a cake, and play nicey nice?
I know my answer, because I am a stupid sucker myself, but I'm still pretty disgusted.
I have so much stress in my life right now. I hate to have to swallow the crap that I'm feeling.
And it's not totally directed at her....that makes it so much worse.
Give me some insite, some wise words.... please??
Maybe a compromise is in order - you'll make the cake and haul it down there for a fair price. Or you'll make the cake if she comes and gets it. I think either of those are reasonable solutions.
Take your weekend. Lovingly invest the time and energy into the cake with SO firmly in your mind and heart. Drive down with him and enjoy a mini-vacation getaway. Consider meeting her a bad night at a bad restaurant.
Remember, you get to come home. At least three hours means you won't have to endure mani-pedi days with her!!!
I would also love you if bring me a cake, by the way.
Do I express it to SO or do I quietly stew?
Thank you for the replies...just knowing that my feelings are valid, helps!
ETA: ....I'm, I'm, I'm just so yucky about this!!
[This message edited by mariusa at 6:49 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]
1. There is a SMALL chance she is breaking the ice and everything forward will be GREAT...
2. He probably already knows and feels caught in the middle worrying that this is unfair to you or could go badly, etc.
He was "thrilled" when he told you. Let him be thrilled. You have a three hour ride home to process what actually happens.
I wouldn't NOT talk to him about it. If your relationship is open and sharing then I would discuss it but try to keep anticipation low, expectations to myself unless he asks directly. Then I would likely answer it in the same vein, "I am happy to do this because it makes YOU happy" kind of thing.
It sticks out to me that it is his stepdaughter. That has to mean there is a bond there that is more complicated than I can grasp??
Oh, and cliche for the day "worry is investing in a problem you don't have yet." Try not to stew. Think of all the quality hours you get in the car!!
I could tolerate it up until now because she is 3 hours away although it hurt when she exudes me from things like concerts, dinners, special events that they go down there for. Excludes is putting it mildly...I don't exist.
I could give dozens of examples.
Yes, this could mean a good relationship can blossom.
I just don't like the way she is going about it because it reinforces that she has not grown and matured...she is still a spoiled manipulator.
I guess it goes deeper for me too because I ignore what I feel is the "dysfunction" of SO's whole family dynamic. And now it maybe slapping me in the face.
I guess I would say listen to yourself...
And now... is now a time to address this or hope that it will be different? THAT I don't know. What do you want to do?
As to whether or not you discuss this with your SO, that depends. Are you willing to live like this for the rest of your relationship? You've put up with it for a year and a half now. Sure, this weekend is a chance to forge a new positive relationship with her. But honestly, it isn't going to suddenly transform her from a spoiled, selfish, controlling little twat into a kind, loving "daughter."
The fact that your SO is allowing her to exclude you and ignore your very existence for this long is a giant red flag for me. It does not bode well for the future. In my experience (and YMMV), this will not change. You will always lose and spoiled little twat will always win.
I've lived this for 8 years with WH's daughter. Except that I've known her since she was born and was like a second mother to her. Until I married her Dad. Then I became the evil bitch. She hasn't acknowledged my existence for 6 years and WH still panders to that.
Think long and hard about this dynamic. Because it probably won't change.
(((((HUGS))))) to you. This sucks.
If all of us learned nothing from the shit that brought us to SI, it's that stuffing feelings, pretending & rugsweeping have NO place in our lives. But being open, honest, forthcoming And kind do. Especial with our families & partners.
Good luck. Cake pictures please!!!
I say bullshit, this is her way of continuing to be a spoiled brat. I am constantly amazed at the lengths he goes for her as is.
Yep. I would have issues with this because you're having to take off work for it. And I can see you baking the cake but I would tell her she has to arrange to pick it up, that you can't take off work, etc. All the while reminding her how long it will take you to create - bake and decorate this cake.
Your SO is letting this girl run his life. How long are you willing to put up with that? You know damn well that she's using you in this instance. She gets an awesome and FREE cake that you're going to bust your ass to make. You KNOW she will not be grateful about it the following day.
Will she be too busy? Cancel? Avoid the whole thing like the plague?
Like I said, my feelings are coming to a head.
I don't like being used so blatantly.
just remember that you are doing it for him not for her.
He will see your love and kindness beyond the cake.
No one can treasure it enough.
I wouldn't be baking the cake, even to please a SO. But, I'm a bitch like that. It would feel like rewarding bad behavior to me. SO is insensitive to ask and frankly, clueless if he thinks this is a relational breakthrough. It's not. She's just figured out that you can meet a need she has.
needs a cake for her new boyfriend who she's planning a big surprise weekend
Are you and your SO invited to the party or just being used as a delivery service? I think she is selfish. Maybe this will be a chance for her to show she's changed once she meets you or it will show SO how rude her behavior is. I would make the cake for SO...not her.
Were together 7+yrs, Ended R.
If SO doesn't already see her selfishness he never will. I think he does but ignores it.
That is awful and selfish of her.