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User Topic: Need help processing the stepkid
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Way of breaking the ice? No.. it's her way of asking for a favour. I wouldn't do it but I suppose it's easier for me to say that since I'm not in the situation.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44948 | Registered: Sep 2006
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not had to deal with a SO's children or stepchildren, so I don't have that perspective. But I have worked with young people this age (college students) for almost 30 years. So here's my perspective.

Maybe the stepdaughter is being selfish, is overindulged, entitled, etc.

But she's also a young woman who lost her mom when she was 15 (only 6 years ago). Her bio dad does not act like a dad. Her stepdad (your SO) is her dad to her. He is the reliable, loving, and loyal adult. The parent. The only one she has.

The one you are dating. The one who is taking him away from her (not really, of course, but that's likely how she feels about it).

I get why you feel hurt. But I encourage you to be the adult here. Even if you believe she's being selfish, take this as an opportunity to reach out to her. Tell her (and/or send a note) that you are happy that she asked you to make this party special. Or, that you are glad to be able to do something nice for her, because you love her (step)dad.

T/j on "overachiever" : This always sounds so down-putting to me. She's an *achiever*, despite all the losses in her life. Pretty impressive, it seems to me. Someone to be proud of.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 11:36 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait, you're not even invited to the party? She just wants you to bake a cake, take time off work to drive down, deliver the cake, and turn around and leave?

I'd mail her a box of Duncan Hines.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13797 | Registered: Jul 2011
whyohwhyohwhy
♀ Member
Member # 17890
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe it's just me, but it seems pretty ballsy of her to even ask.....

You're supposed to make a lavish cake (absorbing the expense?).....

Take a day off from work....


Drive it 3 hours out of your way, and she isn't even going to spend time with either of you?


I'd also send her some Duncan Hines.......


what did I ever do to deserve this?

Me:47 BS
Him: X, 51 PA SA NPD?
2 kids; DD14, DD8 divorced


Posts: 1043 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: east coast
fallingquickly
♀ Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with StrongerOne on this.
I get why you feel hurt. But I encourage you to be the adult here. Even if you believe she's being selfish, take this as an opportunity to reach out to her. Tell her (and/or send a note) that you are happy that she asked you to make this party special. Or, that you are glad to be able to do something nice for her, because you love her (step)dad.

If you think that SO is a keeper then stepdaughter will be a part of your life. So far that's not been a good addition. This may be a chance to change that. It also may not, but I believe it's worth the effort to find out.


I was going to suggest a planning call between you and stepdaughter but I think this is much better:

I really like the suggestion of meeting ahead of time. It's an excuse to plan, but also gives you a chance to actually get to know each other, which I promise won't happen during a surprise party she is hosting...

Have SO go with you. Have an overnight getaway. Meet (all three of you) to discuss the cake, timing, cost, etc. I would tell her because she is like family she will only need to pay costs, as you would do with any of your own family members who requested a cake.

I'm sorry you have this stress and I hope it works out to be a positive thing in the long run.


Divorced and beginning my new life.


2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
mariusa
♀ Member
Member # 13541
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SO figured out thrre was something up with me. Before i said anything about it he apologized for the way he asked me to make the cake...said it was very presumptuous of him.
I told him i would make the cake because i love him and she's his daughter but i did not like being used like this and it's not nice of her. He agreed but is still just happy that she, is at the very least, acknowledging my existence.

Ok fine.

I have to say it is an issue...not so much her but the way he lets her treat him.


BS(me)45 now 48, WH (POS)45 now 48
M 24trs, DD14, DS15
POS OW - then 24, now doesn't matter
D-day 1/2/07, Divorced 11/13/08
“Live without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending."

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NY
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to say it is an issue...not so much her but the way he lets her treat him.

And how about the way he is letting her treat you? I think that's an issue here as well.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13806 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((mariusa)))

If she really wants to turn a corner with you, she needs to try a little harder before you go through all this trouble. Invite her up to plan it and shop for supplies. You won’t feel as used if you have a chance to break the ice with her first. I really wouldn’t take no for an answer. If she wants a cake, and to keep up the façade that she is reaching out, she has no reason to reject such a reasonable and generous offer on your end.


Posts: 3445 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let's look at this another way.

Imagine that this is *your* stepdaughter. You married her mom when SD was 7 years old. You have been her dad for 2/3 of her life. Her mom dies. Now she just has you. You have been her parent for as long as her mom has.

You don't date for several years. You start dating. This is the first person who might "replace" her dead mom. As many folks on SI discuss, starting to date is hard on the kids. That's the case here.

Your SO thinks you spend too much time w/ your SD, that you indulge her too much. Your SO thinks the SD is an obnoxious brat, selfish, etc etc. This is *your* kid. A stepdaughter legally, but really, your kid.

Should your SD be polite to your SO? Yes.

Should your SO have some compassion for the SD's situation? Yes.

If this was *your* SD, how would you feel about it?

Frankly, what's starting to bug me the most about the real-life situation is the dad's unwillingness to stick up for his daughter with you. Yes, he needs to ask his daughter to treat you with courtesy and respect. I also think he needs to ask you to back off his daughter. I don't think you should take the daughter's anger personally, Mariusa. I do think that you will be working towards a better relationship with the dad, your SO, if you take his daughter's request as a good gesture, or at least as a good opportunity.

Why butt heads with this girl? Why harp on her (presumed) bad intentions? Why not find a way to make this positive for yourself and for your SO?


[This message edited by StrongerOne at 7:21 AM, June 21st (Friday)]


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Sep 2012
HopeImOverIt
♀ Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you invited to go along in July when your SO goes for the belated father's day?

Is she offering to treat you two to dinner on the night you bring the cake down?

The answer to both of those questions better be "yes". Otherwise I can't imagine agreeing to her request. Because then it would be clear she has no interest in "breaking the ice" and getting to know you.

It's dangrously close to appearing like she has no respect for your time, and I would not tolerate disrespect like that.


Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 266 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
mariusa
♀ Member
Member # 13541
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stongerone, I get what you're saying. I do.
I just can't imagine her not wanting her stepdad to be happy. She is so self centered with him, it's discusting.
He didn't date for a long time and I supposehe did this to her by making her the center of his universe but she's 21 now. She has her own boyfriend who she gushes to him about constantly. He can't talk about me or anything we do at all....and all of a sudden, she needs something from me. And no, I am not invited to dinner, as of yet. And no, there is no attempt to meet me before. As far as I can tell I'm back into non-exisitance until we deliver this cake. No mention of dinner then either..she and the boyfriend are going away.

I have sympathy for her and undrrdtand how hard it 's been for all of them but 6 years...all he 's done for her...it's time he's allowed to be happy.

I was accepting of her resentment ...until she brought me in this way...it 's not an ice breaker in the well meaning sense. It's another example of her selfishness.

I just don't like being dragged into it like this.

But I'll do it and hope my resentment will fade and everthing will be buttrrflies and rainbows like I always hope for!


at


BS(me)45 now 48, WH (POS)45 now 48
M 24trs, DD14, DS15
POS OW - then 24, now doesn't matter
D-day 1/2/07, Divorced 11/13/08
“Live without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending."

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NY
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mariusa,

I have 4DD's (18-22) They don't care about my happiness, as long as it doesn't rain on their news, parade, school, etc. What I am trying to say... is that some kids this age are still in that self centered teenage mode where everything is still about them! You might be relegated to insignificance or you just might not be on her radar.

Have you heard SO and DD talk? He might not be bringing you up because he can't figure out a way to tell her that you are very important to him, without thinking she will be angry. He may be a passive parent, and as a result will do what he can to avoid conflict with DD. It's easier as she is 3 hours away and busy with her own life...

What I am saying is, her not acknowledging you - might not be entirely her fault...especially if he does nothing to bring you up in conversations with her.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5262 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it's time he's allowed to be happy.

It very much is, it's also time he stood up to her and lays down some boundaries.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Jeaniegirl
♀ Member
Member # 6370
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I'm a lawyer but got interested in cake baking and decorating as a HOBBY and love to do it. I also took three extensive courses because I liked it so much. Cakes for special occasions are very SPECIAL and take a lot of work. In addition, sometimes the person wanting the cake and the person making the cake don't really understand each other. I never charge for my cakes and often do them as gifts to those getting married because I like to do it.

However, since this is a special occasion to her, you need to make sure you know what she really wants. If you make something and she's disappointed, just think of the havoc it could create? So the solution, IF you decide to make the cake, is insist on a prior meeting with her ....or at the very least, a phone call - to find out what type of cake she wants.

If she refuses to communicate directly with YOU, I'd say forget it and let her go to the local bakery.


"Because I deserve better"

Posts: 990 | Registered: Feb 2005
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would absolutely not make this cake. Nope. But, if you feel you want to start off your 'relationship' with her this way, that's your choice. And if you do make it, I would not go with your SO to deliver the cake, though. In fact, truth be known, she probably doesn't even want or expect you to make that trip with Daddy. Probably be pissed if you do show up.

[This message edited by cissi at 7:31 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
mariusa
♀ Member
Member # 13541
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do the cakes for fun and have never charged anyone and never would. I don't think I'm that good anyway.
She has already descibed in detail what she wants...to him. I don't know if it's her idea or his that I deliver it with him. He did start the conversation with, "she wants to meet you" but that could have been his interpretation.

Ugh! I just hate all this angst and drama. Why can't people just live and let live.
Selfishness is such an unattractive trait, I'm sick of being exposed to it so blatantly!!


BS(me)45 now 48, WH (POS)45 now 48
M 24trs, DD14, DS15
POS OW - then 24, now doesn't matter
D-day 1/2/07, Divorced 11/13/08
“Live without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending."

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 36
Pages: 1 · 2

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