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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm sitting here in a coffee shop...
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eh, I'm none too pleased with myself. I get a signal that I actually notice, and I sit on my hands.

Hear me now, believe me later: if this ever happens again, I will act. Might have just missed my "once in a lifetime."

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 1:14 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We aren't reprimanding you, OIAL. We are trying to help you see yourself as someone who is able to approach women with confidence and say "hi".


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13565 | Registered: Jul 2011
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey! Celebrate the signal and let go of the "failure to act."


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5602 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm always flattered if someone approaches me...even if I have no interest, I'm still flattered. Seriously, even if I say "no thanks" it makes my day!
Do not worry about offending her...or the next woman...or the one after that...


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3010 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You noticed the signal! That's progress, OIAL.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24435 | Registered: Aug 2011
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm always flattered if someone approaches me...even if I have no interest, I'm still flattered

This is where I have to suspend my disbelief. Guess I've seen too many movie scenes with annoyed rejections, or read too many posts here about unwanted advances (admittedly, I wouldn't have walked up to her and asked to exchange pics of our junk).

We are trying to help you see yourself as someone who is able to approach women with confidence and say "hi"

I totally get that. That's why, like the ultimate wus, I was posting on SI instead of actually talking to her. Trying to get up the nerve.

I admire the men who have no fear, who can just approach women they never met and start making conversation. Here's how it would have gone with me:

"Hey, I see you're a WiFi bum like me."

"Oh, yeah, I like to get out of the house."

"Yeah, me too... Ok, bye."


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Hey, I see you're a WiFi bum like me."

"Oh, yeah, I like to get out of the house."

"Yeah, me too... Ok, bye."

Next line: "What are you working on?"

I admire the men who have no fear, who can just approach women they never met and start making conversation.
1)everybody has fear even pretty women, even confident men 2)women like humble men too


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3010 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
soulsearcher4
♂ Member
Member # 29540
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Hey, I see you're a WiFi bum like me."

"Oh, yeah, I like to get out of the house."

"Yeah, me too... Ok, bye."

This is not a bad thing!!

If this is the extent of the conversation, then you know she's not interested. And then YOU know that you took a shot and can hold your head high that you took a shot, AND you know that she is, in fact, not interest. No sweat off your back and you can move on.

It is not easy to approach a complete stranger and start a conversation. If she's at all interested, she will ask you a question. And then you can go from there.

If you're really stuck for conversational pieces, talk about your kids and what they're doing. (Most) Women love kids.

If you get the "Oh, that's nice. Are you married?" response, then you know you're in!


Me: BS
Her: WS

On the road to divorce.


Posts: 165 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: So.Cal.
MyVoice
♀ Member
Member # 35695
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree I'm flattered if someone approaches me, as long as they don't try and lick my ear or whisper words of seduction

Maybe try and think of women you want to approach as people you'd like to meet, rather than females you want to hook up with. You know how they say imagine people without clothes on to feel more confident? Perhaps imagine women as just people not the opposite sex... does that even make sense

I read on another forum men were saying to talk to women in general for practice. Like at the supermarket if you are both looking at apples comment on the price or quality, doesn't have to be a woman you find attractive just get used to talking to strangers who are female.

I'd say if you approach a lady omit the word 'bum' from your opening line....

Once you get going you are going to have a lot of fun,I chat to people all the time makes for a life so much connected, it's a good habit to get into.


Me:BW 46, Him:WH 50
two kids DD14 and DS17
Married 26 years
OW 28, crew member (he was the ships captain)
"People are formed by their actions, not their ideals" unknown

Posts: 469 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Australia
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is where I have to suspend my disbelief. Guess I've seen too many movie scenes with annoyed rejections, or read too many posts here about unwanted advances (admittedly, I wouldn't have walked up to her and asked to exchange pics of our junk).

What you read about/seen is annoyance that comes when a woman refuses politely and the guy keeps on going. You get that right? When women complain about guys hitting on them, they are talking about the guys who keep going even though you've nicely/politely said "no". I'm never rude when a guy approaches me/flirts with me initially. But when I decline, indicate I want my private space back and he keeps trying? Then you get the annoyance and rudeness.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3003 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cayc is right.

Hitting on me is OK...it IS flattering, even if it is from someone you have no interest in. But, you need to stop at the first "no".

Also...don't follow me around in Lowes. I had a guy do that, really creepy. Leering. I usually have a ring on one of my fingers, and I will flip it over and move it to my left hand ring finger so guys think it is a wedding band... if I'm getting bad vibes.

If I'm not interested in a man, I usually simply say, "Thanks...but I have a boyfriend..."

If she glanced at you several times, she is either interested in you, OR trying to place you. I will look at a man a few times if I'm trying to place where I know him from. Either case...she noticed you!

Did you go look at missed connections on Craigslist just in case? Or would you post there? I have heard that occasionally works....


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4028 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never heard of "missed connections." Just took a look, and the first thing I saw was "To the guy pissing outside of his van..."

I couldn't resist, so clicked the link. She was impressed at what a bold move that was.

Man, I've been going about this all wrong, haven't I?

MyVoice, I really like the advice about treating the encounter as with someone I want to meet, rather than hook up with. Takes the pressure off. Actually, that's the way I've treated first dates with OLD, and they've gone well (it's the latter dates where I lose 'em).

Also, good to know that women aren't generally put off by advances from strange men. I think if I actually ever got up the courage to make such an advance, it would be hugely beneficial to my psyche, even if she tells me to get lost.

You womenz understand how difficult it is to approach a total stranger, don't you? We guys really have to suck it up.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't believe you passed up the chance to use, "Fancy meeting you here!"


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19795 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't believe you passed up the chance to use, "Fancy meeting you here!"

Them's stalker words.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the idea that you practice on strangers in general. Take the pressure off and get comfortable with starting conversations with the available context.

I saw a woman staring at me in the parking lot of the local market. Since I teach and meet parents, other educators, and live in a fairly small community, I don't know if it is trying to place HOW they might know me or what. So I gave a friendly "hi how are you?" and a warm smile. What I got back was an apology for staring but an enthusiastic compliment about how pretty my hair was and the assurance that it was not intended rudeness. She was flustered to be caught staring, I laughed and thanked her for the compliment. We chatted going into the store and both felt "good" for the exchange.

You can do this. Start with your bank teller, the line at the grocery store. Anyone. Practice being that person everyone says "never met a stranger."


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5602 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to make you feel...better? Here's something that struck me as very funny tonight:

"I read somewhere that men's biggest fear is that women will laugh at them. And women's biggest fear is that men will kill them. Kind of different stakes that we're working with." Chelsea Perretti


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19795 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, Sad that is soooo true! and funny!!


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."

Posts: 4922 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OIAL, please do not start pissing on vans! LOL!!!


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2568 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I reckon you need to keep practicing the smiley, eye contact thing for a while. I suggest you do it with everyone. Get comfortable in your own skin and ease yourself into the fray.

I love having random chats with all sorts of people. I am approached a lot - not because I'm attractive (I'm kinda funny looking but I like myself a lot, inside and out) but because I'm ...approachable?

I love people watching - I find them fascinating for some reason.

This quirk means I'm terrible at eye contact. I've been practicing but it just feels weird. I'm awesome at the saucy eye contact but I've been trying to practice the non-saucy version.

Don't beat yourself up friend - practice eye contact and chit chat with everyone (men, women, young, old). It takes the pressure off. In time it will feel natural.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5422 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off, let me say I'm not shy...

OIAL... Do you fly for business?

If you do you're around tons of people in airports and on airplanes that are complete strangers... I love it...

From the ticket counters where I'm checking a bag to the flight attendents and people sitting next to me on the planes... I love making eye contact, saying hi and being a pleasant very small part of the strangers day...

Even a busy TSA agent is generally pleasantly surprised when I greet them with a smile and a "how's your day so far?"

If you can make a TSA agent smile and acknowledge your pleasantness anyone else is a piece of cake...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5951 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Topic Posts: 43
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