More than just the infidelity (he's also still somewhat involved with the OW he has been with for the past year and a half even though there is a retraining order between them due to domestic violence) I am just so scared that he is gone forever. I worry that even with treatment his mental illness will make him unable to ever function like the man I used to know and love. It is so so hopeless and terrifying. His IC said he needs inpatient rehab as well as intensive psychiatric help. And that even with that he will never be cured but only in control. It's so hopeless to look back at who he used to be and even still is for fleeting moments here and there and know that person is essentially dead.
He has agreed to go to rehab and I have found one that deals with co occurring disorders like bipolar. I have to call them though and explain the depths of his sex addiction and make sure he would be kept from acting that out. Only time will tell but I am really scared that my kids will never have their daddy back.
A few things:
1) STD testing? I hope that has been done and re-done with the number of partners he has had and without knowing when he has stopped, if he has stopped. Your kids deserve a healthy mom.
2) Get yourself some help. IC and group therapy, perhaps Al-Alon.
3) Why are you calling and getting him help? He needs to do that. Al-Anon and other programs (and anyone who has been through this) will teach you that no amount of managing his issues is going to help him. If anything, it will make it worse, especially on you. He is not helpless despite these issues. If he needs someone's assistance, he needs to ask for it and he needs to do some of these tasks - such as organizing inpatient treatment - with that person. Perhaps his IC. But not you.
4) Is he allowed to drive with your kids? I hope not. Figure out a way to protect them from him.
Is your goal to reconcile? Or are you watching out more for your kids? I think it is fine to support him either way, but you can't do this for him.
As for testing, I'm not being intimate with him. He is still very manic and making very bad decisions.
Part of the reason he has actually agreed that he needs rehab is because when he came for the birth of our 3rd child about 5 weeks ago he walked across the street from the hospital for dinner and showed up 4 hours later so drunk he could hardly walk. Security asked him to leave and then CPS was called. So he's not allowed to be alone with the kids or drive them and I'm very serious about following this. I do know that he needs to do the work and he has actually called and talked to a few rehab places but I guess I found this other place on recommendation from a friend who went there and is years sober now so I'm checking it out before talking to him about it.
An IC is NOT qualified to diagnose bipolar disorder or schizophrenia.
OTOH, ICs are often led down a manipulative path by certain clients, and nothing tops the list of manipulative like addiction (of any kind).
I agree, inpatient rehab and extensive PSYCHIATRIC intervention are a great idea.
If the diagnoses he's facing were not made by a psychiatrist, I would hold off on assigning them just yet; active addiction can cause illness that mimic others.
That's NOT to minimize the severity and impact of alcoholism; I grew up with alcoholics, and truly do understand.
With sobriety, some of the other things will become more clear. It's very difficult to do a good psych eval with an active user.
They believe my son has rapid cycling bi polar and uses drugs to self medicate. They also told me that they wonder if he will ever be clean long enough to be properly diagnosed and treated, because he does self medicate.
Also, as far as rehab goes, you can not set this up for an adult. Your husband is going to have to do it himself. This is also something I know from my son's 3 rehab stays.
Another thing, you say that your husband is a sex addict and you worry about this being a problem in rehab. While in rehab, patients are given rules, in the one my son was in one of the rules was no coupling, which means they are discouraged from even being too friendly with the opposite sex. They are allowed to talk and hang out but if they are caught getting too close, they are put on restriction and if it doesn't stop, they are asked to leave. Not saying it doesn't happen, but it is looked for.
Just wanted to tell you some of the things I learned while my son was in rehab. Hope it helps you.