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User Topic: Huge fight...6 months from Dday and I am supposed to be over it.
♀ Member
Member # 37458
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bravooo Pheonix!

Well put...brought tears to my eyes!

BS (Me): 37
WH: 40

Dday: March 2011 (found out EA Phone records)
2nd Dday: June 18, 2011 (OW told me about WH secret phone)
3rd Dday: December 13, 2012 (found evidence WH stalking Ow on FB)
4th Dday: February 4, 2013 (confession of 2nd secret

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: East Coast
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fuck that! He obviously is not in IC, tell him he needs to go into IC and you need to go into MC together. If he's not willing to do that then tell him you want a divorce. My IC says a test she gives cheaters is asking them to read "Not Just Friends" and/or "After the Affair". She said when a person won't read a simple book to help heal their marriage then it's pretty much doomed.

And I also like the curve ball to the nuts idea :)

I'm almost six months out too by the way, and uh no, I'm nowhere close to being over it and my WH is totally remorseful, transparent, in IC and MC, and says he's sorry every day. Yet I still find my hands shaking. I still find it's 5:00 pm and oops, I haven't eaten anything - and I'm on meds now. I don't feel like ME. It's like all of the things I used to be and do are hard. I have always LOVED cooking. I find it hard to even make a sandwich. Our worlds were blown up and we're trying to figure it all out. There is no road map for recovering from someone blowing up your life. Just remember, you are not alone. We are all here in the same hellish boat. So draw the line in the sand now!
Hugs to you...

Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's told you what he thinks.

The 2-5 years and curveball, while valid is pretty irrelevant.

You know what a blow you were dealt. You know the pain you feel. Any time you have to discuss, question, share how you're feeling is generating further destruction from his response to his devastating choices.

You have the information of exactly what the reality of your situation is. Now you need to decide if that's something you can live with.

What do you need to heal and is he able and willing to do the work to help with that process?

Based on what you posted I'd guess not. You don't have to incur any further new hurts.

Focus inward on protecting yourself and nurturing yourself until you have a clear idea how you want to go forward. Factor him completely out of that process as he's not willing to be a healthy contributor in it.

Detach. Focus on your healing. Be good to you. He's not qualified for the job of partner...not with your healing, not as your husband, not as a remorseful person.

Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth

Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WH's threat to leave if you don't get over the A is a control technique. He is using your fear of him leaving to shut down your emotions. I should know. My WH used that on me constantly.

But after 27 years of it, at about 5 weeks post Dday he made the mistake of yelling at me "you should have been over it last week". I snapped.

I escalated (one of his favorite tools) and started screaming (louder than him) as viciously as I could "GET OUT. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW. I DO NOT WANT TO LOOK AT YOU". He freaked. I just kept at it like a broken record and pointed at the door.

Needless to say he refused to leave AND never again used the threat of leaving on me. Why? Because he knew I was no longer afraid of losing him. I didn't care and that scared HIM.

You need to do a few things:

Stop being afraid of losing him.

Call his bluff.

Recognize that he is bullying you in order to control you and prevent you from expressing emotions.

Start telling him which bullying techniques he is using at the moment he uses them and how you will not tolerate be bullied.

Learn to use the broken record technique and stop getting sucked in to defending yourself or defending your emotions.

These are really good skills for you to practice. You need to establish healthy boundaries and not allow anyone, not this WH or any future SO, to treat you this way.

Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 895 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These are all really good bits of advice. I am still so confused how I feel, and Phoenix thank you - that was really lovely!

He isnt in IC, and we are not in MC...he wont agree to either. I was going but stopped for costs. He wont read any books, and doesnt like the idea of me getting answers about the A he doesnt know about this site (it helps me a LOT). I am reading After the Affair and going to get Not just friends.

He has changed in that he will help around the house, and is more involved in the cleaning and taking care of the kids. And he is MOST of the time loving to me, as long as the A isnt brought up.

I am so confused. I hate that I have to go to work at the same place this happened and that the OW is. And every time I look at him and the OW (when I see her) I am reminded of how he temporarily left me and went for someone else.

I just dont understand how someone can cheat on another person.

BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 551 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H has been the same way. After we separated 8 months out..he "started" reading one of the books. He told me to "suck it up" and that I had been angry long enough...blah blah blah.

So sorry that you are going through this.

2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced

Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What he is doing is all surface bullshit. He's not trying to figure out why he did this at all.

He is handing you a beautifully wrapped package..and inside is full of smelly,nasty shit.

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7679 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
♂ Member
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Just read your op, and I have never read of someone so selfish. I hope your spouse knows, and I remind my FWW of this- "Do you think I want to be unhappy? Sad? No one would choose to be these things". I'm sorry you are going through this.

"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 135 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
♀ New Member
Member # 39600
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All these posts have hit home-I too am on this site without him knowing. I tried to explain to him just yesterday that his going away for a conference (on his birthday) and then not calling me one morning (because he ran late-but I found on his laptop that he was on Steelers/Yankees sites @7:30am-but I have not confronted him with that knowledge...yet)So I tried to tell him and I got the hands on his head, eyes closed I said to him - you can't be mad at me for telling you to which he replied I'm not mad I'm just hungry-funny but he ate about 2 hours prior to this and I hadn't eat all day. I just can see in him that he too thinks I should be "over it". DDay-1yr will be next month except that as of Dec of 2012 he was still on FB and as of Mar2013 he was still in contact with the "friend" they were mobbies on Mobwars with- I feel that because I am afraid of the "fight" that to be honest-he really does not want to have with me-when I get mad my Jersey Girl comes out and I would be able to chew him up and spit him out. I am not afraid of the leaving part-because he told me last year to get out of his house-this time if he uttered those words to me again I will simple say to him no I don't think I will be the one leaving....cause when I am done with you you won't have a pot to pee in!!! Sorry-vented.. but I have to say I too like the kick him in the nuts and tell him to get over that

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Arizona
Topic Posts: 29
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