Anyway, I digress. Wow this is long. I am sorry. But it is getting me through this awful night and keeping me from playing the image of him with another woman. So if youíre not into reading a novel, I wonít hold it against anyone.
Well, anywayÖ I feel it immediately. The change in him when it happens... I get this feeling in my gut. It is strong and tells me something is amiss. I didnít know what it was the first time but now I know, my gut in this situation is never wrong. I feel it before I noticed the behaviours. Then I start to pay attention. The first time I was confused and didn't understand it and was absolutely shocked, he denied it so then I needed to find proof so he couldnít, which was easy cause he doesnít thinks I am dumber than I am. Finally he owns it and says he was lonely and didn't feel enough love from me but it wasnít me that no one could give him as much love as he needed and at the same time he felt the need to be wild. He was in a marriage for so long and separated for 6 months when we met. He didn't have enough time. He loved me and he knew it wasnít fair to expect more from me, no one could give him what he needed, he needed too much. He wanted to feel loved and desired. The first time, we were dating so we didn't see each other daily. I understood the need to sow the oats. I was hurt but didnt think it was the end of the world. I don't think cheating is unforgivable as long as there is honesty and a desire to truly reconcile... which I thought we had afterward. I told him it stops now and he agreed and did what I asked. He seemed genuinely remorseful.
The second time i went away on vacation with friends and without him - remember he can't travel- came home found underwear in the bed...tsk; similar, only the divorce was still going on and it really had been hell, like really bad. He was feeling especially low but at the time I didnt realize how much and so I went cause he said he was fine. I honestly would have cancelled if he wasnt. But of course he wasnt and off he went seducing some poor unsuspecting single mom... Again though he seemed remorseful but he went back and forth between being very cold, almost nasty and then back to loving for a while before he finally got back to Ďnormalí. Trust took a long time this time but somehow I just forgot about it because things were great and the behaviours were gone.
And now.. theyíre BACK. This time i was extremely busy at work, major OT for 2 weeks, no choice and he got lonely and off he went. Back to denying but I already checked his phone and have my proof. But if he knows I hacked his phone then he'll just change his password and make it harder. I don't really need to confront him anyway. I know what he's doing and knew it immediately. All the behaviours are back. He knows I know but he still wants to play this denial game. Itís been icy cold in the house for a week now with sweetness few and far between (sweetness is usually our normal). Ugh thatís hard. I hate the cold. And before leaving tonight he instigated a conflictÖ He is almost blatantly now throwing it in my face going out tonight the way he did. I texted him to come home and to stop what heís doing. Itís wrong and hurtful and I donít deserve this. The response I got wasÖ doing what? Iím not doing anything wrong bunnyÖ. Bunny is my pet name. Sweetness is back. He calls me by my real name ONLY during the cold spell. Miss is when heís just being friendly, but Bunny is our normal sweetness. He must be post-coital.
So now, since I am obviously still not prepared to leave, I feel somewhat responsible for these unsuspecting women who are falling victim to his behaviour. I have to give him credit, heís got great taste in women From what I can see (Iíve never met one just from the evidence trail) they seem to be kind, generous, smart and attractive women just looking for loveÖ and genuinely have no idea that heís got more than one on the go PLUS a live-in girlfriend who heís made a family life with in his home and with his children. Often they are single momís as well so heís got an in there too being a single dad but I almost find that extra mean. Single parenting isnít easy and he has live in help!
Heís getting better at hiding his tracks though. All I have from one of them now is a blackberry bbm pin and I donít have a blackberry so I canít pin her to warn her. And Miss Bunny Co-dependant has basically neglected her friendships for the last 3 years and so confiding in anyone the humiliation I feel is also not going to happen anytime soon. So, basically no warning her. So this will continue and she will get hurt worse the longer it goes one and I will continue to get hurt and on we go on the merry-go-round.
Again I apologize for the length but I am no longer crying and no longer bitter and I think I will actually be able to sleep a couple of hours now, till he gets home.
Welcome, and I'm so sorry for the pain and turmoil your're going through:
I'm hoping your really don't mean this:
Well I don't know if it is summer fever or the fact that he can't be left alone for any period of time or this is seasonal sexual narcissism? I swear I think that's possible! but every summer we've been together he cheats. Usually with at least 2 women.
Since you've been reading the Healing Library...I hope you realize you are dealing with a SERIAL CHEATER...and you've done nothing to deserve this shit!
So, what are you going to do?
Continue a marriage with a man who cheats - when the mood hits him?
You know what he's doing is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG...and he's putting you in extreme danger, health-wise, for one thing.
Personally, I'd kick his butt to curve and divorce him. Cheat once, OK: We talk about it and work things out: But every year with a couple of different OW? I don't think so!!!!
It's your call.
When is enough ENOUGH for you?
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
I saw where you were not married yet...and only you can decide what you are willing to live with/through. I know that my WH has to give me complete transparency, passwords, go to therapy, be remorseful etc. for me to continue.
Has he ever given you what you need to truly heal and will he consider therapy to heal himself?
And no I don`t think I deserve to be treated this way at all. I have a lot of love inside of me and I have been very good to him and his children.
I get checked for STDs every 6 months just to be safe but Iíve also found condom boxes that he thinks he hides so I believe he is being safe. I think he is afraid of a pregnancy more than anything else, actually...
My concern now is, other than I still love him even though he behaves horribly, (and yes I know I have some issues of my own to work out and I`m not there yet)... but what makes this excruciating is that I love his boys as if they were my own. And they love me too. The youngest does not remember a time without me in his life. And the oldest barely remembers it. But they are not my kids. So leaving him means leaving all of them. Forever. Yes, I could try to fight for some rights to see them but I don`t think I`d win, and frankly, it would cause such turmoil in that family just like his divorce did. His oldest son is already showing signs of anxiety, and you can tell the situation with his parentsí divorce and her moving them away from the town has affected him greatly. I fear that would just make things worse. That`s not fair to him. No, it is not fair to me either, I know but a 5 year old with an already fragile state of mental health and with the possibility of a genetic predisposition to a slew of other issues inherited from his Dad is just not something that should be discarded easily. And if he can be helped early on, maybe he can avoid turning out to be like his Dad and continue this legacy of pain and destruction. The grandfather is a piece of work as well. The decision to leave would mean leaving them and that is just not something that is easy to do. There are consequences to staying and there are consequences to leaving.
You are putting your own health at risk. What Manogamous adult feels the need to get tested for STD's every 6 months. This is NOT normal. Yes you leaving will have an impact on his kids, but you staying will have an equal of not more detrimental impact. You staying shows them that ia totally unhealthy relationship is "normal". It is showing them that it's the womans job to be a doormat. Their mother saw the issues and did what was right for her and her kids. Perhaps you should consider why she left him. Heck even talk to her about it. If you are having a positive impact with the kids she may welcome you and allow you to continue some sort of relationship with them
Get yourself in IC, get busy reading books about codependency. Stop the cycle. Heal you.
He`s still denying. Saying that he`s going out with a friend but can`t be honest about that because he`s never been able to be honest about his female friends (with past relationships)... that women were always a threat. Just friends. lol He`s deleted everything off his phone already so there is nothing to see.
And yes I think this site is amazing and I think it will help me a lot. I`m not ready to take such drastic actions right now when so much is at stake. I just need a little help with the pain when it becomes hard.
Yes talking helps, since I can`t talk to anyone in my life about it, I`m very grateful for this site.
I know my situation is not normal. I know it is ridiculously abnormal and unhealthy. And yes, I do agree that I need counseling and I am trying to find some that is affordable.
But I`m not prepared to just walk away from these kids and never see them again. I get sick just thinking about losing them.
Reading your post was a little different to others who have posted in the JFO forum. Others seem so upset, are raging, going crazy etc. That is not to say you are not upset, I know you are.
The difference with you seems to be that you have accepted defeat. You know what he is doing, you know how much it is hurting you yet you seem willing to take a back seat and let him carry on as he wishes. I am certainly not trying to be harsh with you but this post is just so different to many I have read.
Please please do not waste your life being there for this man whilst he continues to hurt and disrespect you in the worst possible way. It seems he has SERIOUS mental issues and he is NOT a good human being to be around, that's putting it lightly.
Like I said, I am in the same situation as you were. I have just come out of a horrible relationship, a person so bad, I have NEVER met anyone like him before. A cheat, pathological liar and I am very sure that he is a narcissist also! I am still in the process of trying to untangle myself from his web of disgusting manipulation and downright obscene attitude towards sex and women. It's sickening.
I am trying my hardest to move on, being so co-dependent really makes it hard to do so but I am getting there. And like you back a few years ago, I am trying to date here and there and noone is sparking my interest right now. I have been advised against dating but I feel it is helping me in some way.
What I am trying to say is, you are 35, YOUNG, like me! You do not have to put up with this misery. I know it will be hard to walk away from the children, but right now, it is either them or you!
I gather that the oldest is 5. You may or may not be able to get visitation rights, I think you should look into this. But if not, does that mean you stay until the children are old enough to have the right to see you if they want to? Will you really wait until they are 18 to do this? By that time you will be 53. You will have sacrificed what could be your best years, you will have lived a life of misery for so many years and it will be harder then to start a new life.
On the other hand, there is no guarantee that he will keep you around. What if he meets someone he really wants a relationship with during this horrible cheating? And then he decides that he no longer wants to be with you and stops you from seeing the children that way? I'm not saying this would happen but it is definitely a possibility.
Please think about what you are doing. Please don't waste your life!
My last relationship which was almost 12 years long (began at 18), it took me 2 years to leave. It was different than this one however. There was no cheating or lying. In that situation, it was neglect. WE did absolutely nothing together except for family obligations and didn't want to. We had our own lives, literally. We were together so long that leaving didnít even cross my mind. I didnít even notice the problems at first until they began to manifest physically in me. When I began to look at it and found I was unhappy in the relationship, it felt like I had to leave family. And it made my physically sick to consider it. I couldnít and if I did, I knew that the second I had a chance to go back I would have taken it. So I had to work through it. Figure out what I wanted and how to articulate it and how to get it. Replay it over and over until I no longer felt sick. And when the time finally came, it was hard, but not that hard. I was ready. I was confident. And I knew I would not regret or falter on my decision for a single second. And I didnít. Even when I found out heíd met someone and moved on. I felt it for sure... like a little kick to the stomachÖ but after a few minutesÖ I felt happy for him and happy for me.
I have worked through a bit of the process for discovering my dependency on this current manÖ for years, I was quite frankly starved for affection. Iíd never been affectionate as a child and so as an adult, it did not come naturally to me. I did not realize how much affection I do want and needÖ both to receive and to be able to give it. And in this current relationship there has been an abundance of this. And it is powerful. We also, normally, do almost everything together and enjoy it.
I have indeed gone through the process of thinking whether or not I have it in me to allow this to continue in order to maintain the things I do receive and am allowed to give in return. There are all kinds of relationships after-all, open ones, some with some 'freedoms', people are together for lots of reasons, not just love. However, after going through that exercise I have confidently come to the conclusion that in those successful arrangements, there is either openness and trust or dishonesty and pain. I do not like dishonesty and find that aspect to be the most painful of the situation. And quite frankly, I have no desire to be with others, nor do I wish to share my partner with others. So, I can confidently close the book on that being an option.
But there still remains the fact that this man does have mental issues. A personality disorder, and while I know I am not qualified to diagnose it, I know Iím not wrong. So, here is someone who clearly has a problem that is and will continue to hurt him and everyone around him, who requires help and if he does not receive it (and accept it) will just continue down this path of destruction. Can I walk away without at least trying to help him and feel completely fine about it because, after-all, I will have saved me from the pain he caused. I feel that, at this time, that if I walk away when I am not ready, I will feel the pain of that... feeling as though I gave up and abandoned people I love to save my self only to have caused myself harm in doing so. I will always wonder if it could have been different if I tried. And wondering, is not something I feel I can live with easily. Knowing the answer to that however, is most certainly manageable.
This is simply the way my brain works. I need to exhaust all possibilities, all reasons. I need to be confident in my decisions when I make them. That means doing the due diligence of having tried everything I could to resolve the issue before taking drastic measures. When I think through the leaving process now, I get sick. Vomiting in the toilet. That means Iím not ready. Iíll just come back. I need to make damn sure that this can either be fixed or that it canít be fixed, so that I if/when I go, I will never return.
So, in order to go that I need to let the raw emotions pass a bit so I can get my head together. Gather evidence, make a plan, present the plan and allow him, and me, the chance to try.
[This message edited by mangomoon at 12:31 PM, June 24th (Monday)]
You know your WBF's problems, pains, feelings, and needs better than your own. You've studied him. You know every nook and cranny of him that is available to you. But do you know your needs, pains, feelings and problems nearly as much as his?