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User Topic: My crazy sister
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:21 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually my entire immediate family is crazy. But that's another thread.

I have a large, close extended family. And my youngest cousin got married this past weekend. Family came into town from all over the country. Pre-wedding parties, the wedding, after the wedding parties. it was fabulous.

My sister had one cousin and her daughter stay at her house for the week.

My sister, I will call her J is a professional and has always had good, high paying jobs. But she has also been fired from these jobs on several occasions because she can't get along with people. Most of her personal relationships are a train wreck. She is extremely bossy. It's her way or the highway. (personally, I think she is an unmedicated bipolar) She has personally attacked me on several occasions accusing me of things that never happened. And she does this in a highly dramatic fashion. She will call me, have me meet her at our parents home, and then launch into her attack about how she has seen the way I have been "looking at her husband" and she needs to protect her family, I'm dead to her, etc. then she doesn't speak to me for several years.

For the sake of my parents when she comes around, I let it go. Nothing is ever discussed. Life just goes on as if nothing ever happened.

She has done this to other family members too and also to our entire family for several years at a time.

J had a difficult adolescents. She was very promiscuous from a young age. She drank alcohol, did drugs and skipped school, etc.

Today she is "born again". She has a very distorted memory of past events.
Her indiscretions from her teenage years (14-20) she now recalls as her being a helpless 10-12 year old victim who was raped. She claims to have no memory of any underage drinking or doing drugs.

It's really horrible. Our family has talked about it. And we are positive that these things happened when she was older. We think that because she is trying so hard to present herself as this "perfect person" she can't have this permiscuous sexual past.

She is extremely ANTI-Facebook. Totally and completely paranoid about it. Doesn't have an account. her husband doesn't have one. And neither one of them have ANY idea how it works or how you can set preferences and privacy settings, etc.

The rest of our extended family all have f/b and we are all very active. This is how we all stay in touch, know what everyone is doing, know what everone's kids look like, etc. J, well...she is out of the loop.

Anyone still reading?

So back to J having my one cousin and her daughter staying at her house.

I take lots of photographs. And I post them on F/b and "tag" who ever is in the photo. Everyone else does the same and we can all photo share.

Apparently while my cousin was at J's house, they got on my cousin's f/b and looked at the pics I took from the Pre-party. But then J took it further and snooped through my friend list.

I have a f/b rule where if I am friends with someone who is married, I "friend" both the husband and the wife. Even if I am more friends with one or the other.

I have a girlfriend who I've known for a long time. I also "friended" her husband, who I don't know all that well.

My sister J apparently has a history with this guy. They obviously had some type of relationship from her past.

She emails me today and tells me NOT to post any pictures of her, her husband, or their house on F/b. I didn't and I don't. I don't even take their picture because she has freaked out on me in the past about that. I ignore the email.

So then she calls me. She launches into this attack about how I am "friends" with a pedophile. And I am a "sick person" because I am "sending" pictures of my nieces, nephews and little cousins to this "perverted pedophile."

I hung up on her. But she continued to text me. It got worse after that.

Then she called my other sister and at least one cousin telling them not to share photos with me because I am purposely "feeding" them to a pedophile.

OMG. I am so upset. I can't sleep. I am just sick.

This guy is NOT a pedophile. She is delusional. I don't know what to do, if anything.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8001 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:43 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like your sister needs some professional help. Best for you to steer clear of people like her. No good can come by interacting with her at the moment. Its sucks that you must remove family from your life. But like any other toxic situation she must go. I would like to add that you should not have to accept her attacks on you. Personally I would call her out on her shit. The only way to deal with a bully is to stand up to them. Let the chips fall where they will. Good luck


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5593 | Registered: Nov 2007
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 3:48 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's difficult to recognize mental disorders when you are in a family with someone and have had a lot vested in just saying the person is quirky. Their problems may build gradually, and you (family members and friends) get accustomed to living in their crazy to where you don't realize how much you've distorted your own behavior and reactions to them, in order to deal with that person, in not knowing what else to do.

Your sister seems to have a personality disorder of some type (or brain disorder/damage from past drug use, or early-onset dementia) and one that I fear could worsen and lead to false legal accusations made against innocent people. She's accused you of things that made no sense. Now, she seems ready to accuse this man of a crime, while also accusing you of putting your child relatives at risk. At the least she's slandering him at this moment, even if she's not taken the steps to accuse him legally.


Has she made accusations against people she's worked with in the past? An official record of it in case she takes this further and tries to press charges against this man, or even you if she begins to fantasize you and others in collusion against her?

Does her husband do anything about this except cower and be terrified that if he sets her off, he will be accused of something, too? Or by arguing with her set her off on a longer tangent?

She has decided that her choices as a teen and as a young adult were rape when she was a child, either from impaired brain function from drug use or shame that goes so deep that she's tried to absolve herself, or has distorted memories. If she continues to get more and more upset, and goes forward with these accusations, guys she had consensual sex with in the past could be charged and go to prison based on her word alone. If that happens, you will have to testify AGAINST your sister, and tell of your experiences in having been falsely accused by her of random things. It would be unconscionable and unethical to put family loyalty first when others' freedom and reputations are at stake.

She appears to be heading in that direction of building up to that point by calling an ex-boyfriend a pedophile, and seemingly without cause, and in gearing up into hysteria. Has she been physical or threatening in the past, to where she might do harm to you or others believing she is protecting children from a pedophile and others (you) who she perceives as letting him be in the lives of the children?

You need to get invention now. The risk with this intervention is that a counselor without adequate training could be naive and believe whatever she says, report what she says as if it was fact as part of her legal requirements to report people your sister says are abusers, or the counselor could be vested in "recovered memory" therapy from her own issues of past, and assist your sister in persecuting the innocent, thinking she's righting past wrongdoing rather than tormenting the falsely accused.

Perhaps you should talk to a counselor first about this situation and what to do about your sister - what steps, if any, to take, if you can take any at all, such as family intervention.

Mentally ill people with paranoia and delusions are not talked out of them. She will need medication.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 3:55 AM, June 21st (Friday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now, she seems ready to accuse this man of a crime, while also accusing you of putting your child relatives at risk.

Yes. There have been many years that have passed since this occurred. So any statute of limitations has long since expired. But that doesn't keep her from being sued civilly for slander.

Has she made accusations against people she's worked with in the past?

Yes. She has had numerous personnel problems with her employment. At our last few family parties (not the wedding) I have heard her complaining about a male co-worker who she refers to as a "pervert." My mother has been worried she's going to be fired. (again)

Does her husband do anything about this except cower and be terrified that if he sets her off, he will be accused of something, too? Or by arguing with her set her off on a longer tangent?

He blindly supports her and believes every word she says without question. When he has tried to force her into help, she threatens suicide. Then he backs off.

If she continues to get more and more upset, and goes forward with these accusations, guys she had consensual sex with in the past could be charged and go to prison based on her word alone.

Not the men from her past. Too much time has gone by. But I do worry about current situations. Real or imagined.

Has she been physical or threatening in the past, to where she might do harm to you or others believing she is protecting children from a pedophile and others (you) who she perceives as letting him be in the lives of the children?

I don't know is she has been physical. But she has made threats of suicide. My parents are scared to death to get involved. My dad is fearful that she will have some sudden memory that he molested her too. She has already accused them of being bad/neglectful/abusive parents because they supposedly put her in these situations as "a child" where she was abused by these men.

The last time she threatened suicide, I called 911 and sent them to her house. She has been furious with me ever since.

I am in total agreement on having an intervention and getting her help. The problem is, there is no support. Her husband would not support this and neither would our parents. It would just be me and my sister. And since I am the target of her hatred right now, that's not going to work very well.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8001 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadtoo...

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. A co-worker's delusional sister believed my co-worker had stolen their deceased parents' masterpiece artworks and 14th century furniture. The parents had lived a comfortable life, but had owned a little store and had never seen works of famous artists outside of a museum. The sister was so delusional, a lawyer had to be a third party in sending communications about their deceased parents' estate between the two, so that the deranged sister would not know where my co-worker lived. Before, she had continually dialed emergency calls and had first-responders sent to their home, made theft reports, and harassed them continually until they left the state and the sister changed her first name to not be found. (Last name was common - like Smith or Jones).

I hope for your sake that as your sister ages, she calms down rather than fires up her anger.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 4:12 PM, June 21st (Friday)]


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much. I really appreciate just being able to tak about it. My parents are older and they are hesitant to get involved.

It is much worse today. She phoned me and began screaming a swearing at me calling me every name in the book. I told her I was going to hang up if she didn't calm down. She kept repeating the same question. "Why I had this person as a friend on f/b" Everytime I would try to answer, she would interrupt and I interject, talking over the top of me. She started saying that I was "feeding" my nieces to pedophiles. She even accused me of taking the kids to his house.

Now she is calling other family members telling them to "un"friend me on Facebook because I am dangerous, I am friends with pedophiles and other dangerous people.

I just want to die.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 6:37 PM, June 21st (Friday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8001 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heavy Sigh,
Was there something wrong with your coworker's sister? Or was she just mean and nasty?

My other sister and I go back and forth on this. I think J is bipolar. But my younger sister thinks she is just nasty, manipulative and cunning. She thinks this behavior is attention seeking behavior. My mom says it's because she had an early in life hysterectomy and refused to take the hormone replacement therapy.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8001 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm pretty sure that your family has to know by now that she's batshit crazy.

How does her H deal with her? Have you looked into an intervention or something? She sounds seriously unbalanced.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My family knows. But most of my family is a little "off" too.

Their solution to her problem is to try to blame me. In this situation, their solution is, "Well, you probably shouldn't be on that Facebook."

Another time I had a horse at the same training facility as someone she knew and didn't like. She quit talking to me over that and refused to come to family events. My famiy's solution was for me to move my horse.

Her husband is worthless. I think he is scared of her.

As far as an intervention, nobody will get on board unless THEY are the target of her rage. Or if it effects them somehow. As long as it's not effecting them, they don't want to get involved.

I am feeling a little better today. I blocked her on my phone so she can't call or text me. And I also blocked her from emailing me.

After the last time she did this, (and I didn't get an apology) I told my H that I was not going to go through it again. And if she does it again, I was going to wash my hands of her.

It's just so sad. Life is so short.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8001 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like she has a personality disorder. Google "cluster b personality disorders"


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2126 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs)))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25407 | Registered: Sep 2005
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetie, life may be short and she may be family, but sometimes you just have to say no to crazy. It's time. (((((sadtoo)))))


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19969 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your sister is mentally ill (and she may have been sexually abused as a child -- just because she makes up crazy stuff doesn't mean it didn't happen). You may need to get a restraining order

Does she have children? If so, maybe it's time to bring in protective services?

So sorry. My maternal grandmother was like this. Just awful,. My sweet mom, who wants to care for everyone, finally had to go NC with her. Maybe you will need to do the same.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 847 | Registered: Sep 2012
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, she doesn't have any children.

And I have no doubt that she was used sexually by men in her youth. But as far as any molestations happening to her as a CHILD, It is highly unlikely. Our mother was a stay at home mom. We rarely if ever had a baby sitter or were left with a sitter. All of us girls were exposed to the same men. I would think it unusual for one to be molested and not the others. I'm not saying it's impossible, just unlikely.

Her focus is on this one particular man. And she DID have a relationship with him. She would lie and tell Mom and Dad that she was going to work and she would drive to this guy's house and spend the day there. So if she was driving and working, she was at least 16.

The problem is when she retells this story, she tells it that she was TWELVE years old. That is simply not true. I remember her telling me during the time it was going on that he was her "boyfriend". If she had been 12, I would have sounded the alarms and called the police.

All of this happened THIRTY years ago.

I just got a notification from Facebook that someone tried to log into my accoutnt from the city and state my cousin lives. The cousin who stayed with my sister last week. What the hell do I do with that?

[This message edited by sadtoo at 5:54 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8001 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Heavy Sigh
♀ Member
Member # 34243
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadtoo,

My co-worker's sister was a respected professional. Then one day in her 40s, she woke up mentally ill. Schizophrenia.


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Dec 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then one day in her 40s, she woke up mentally ill. Schizophrenia.
Oh, geesh. That is horrible. I thought that schizophrenia usually shows up during your 20's.

My sister is in her 40's.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8001 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sadtoo))),

I'm not a Dr., Psychiatrist, or anything like that. I HAVE, however, had extensive experience dealing with people with mental health issues and your S, from what you say here, sounds Borderline with Narcissistic and Histrionic tendencies.

Regardless of what it's called, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Living a peaceful life when you have family members with PDs is very difficult. (My S is Borderline, so I have some similar experiences.)


Posts: 11582 | Registered: Mar 2008
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just got a notification from Facebook that someone tried to log into my accoutnt from the city and state my cousin lives. The cousin who stayed with my sister last week. What the hell do I do with that?
Change your FB AND your email passwords to something strong, nonsensical, and un-guessable. I look at my keyboard and randomly choose 12 characters- a mix of letters, numbers, and symbols.

Posts: 11582 | Registered: Mar 2008
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ThoughtIKnewYa,
I'm sorry you're dealing with this too. I'm sorry for anyone wo has to deal with this. I don't have ANY problem going NC with her. I am done and can easily wash my hands of her and her family. (her husband and grown step kids)

The problem I have is the damage she causes with other family members. She has caused problems with me and my parents, my brother, my other sister. Now she's working on this cousin.

My brother and my parents for the most part are a lost cause. My other sister is on to her and doesn't buy into her manipulation. (J has already called younger sis and told her not to send or share with me any of her kid's pictures)

I am the one in the family who hosts the big holiday family events. My mother will "guilt" me into inviting her. I'm thinking of just being done with hosting all together. It cost a small fortune and nobody appreciates it anyway.

This is so sickening. I can't believe this is my life.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 9:59 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8001 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem I have is the damage she causes with other family members. She has caused problems with me and my parents, my brother, my other sister. Now she's working on this cousin.

My brother and my parents for the most part are a lost cause. My other sister is on to her and doesn't buy into her manipulation. (J has already called younger sis and told her not to send or share with me any of her kid's pictures)

I am the one in the family who hosts the big holiday family events. My mother will "guilt" me into inviting her. I'm thinking of just being done with hosting all together. It cost a small fortune and nobody appreciates it anyway.

This is so sickening. I can't believe this is my life.

(((sadtoo))) I get it. I haven't seen my S in about six years. Unfortunately, that also means missing major holidays with my other family members. She has been disordered her whole life, but my family just wants to brush it under the rug ("Oh, that's just her way.") and I'm just not willing to do that. Mostly because I always end-up maligned when I'm around her. I think it's very important for PDs to "make" someone else "bad", so that they can feel good.

My MIL and SILs are NPD, too, so I've been able to observe a LOT of PD behavior.

Just hang in there and do what you feel you have to do to protect yourself. If you go NC, she will have less and less fuel for her fires. That's what I do with my S, MIL, and SILs, so now they just have to make stuff up out of thin air!


Posts: 11582 | Registered: Mar 2008
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