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User Topic: Red flags - did you see them when you were together?
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many red flags, but I so desperately wanted my M to work I stuck my head in the sand. Denial is VERY powerful.

One of the biggest was when I received an anonymous letter at work in the early 2000s. It told me about his A with OW#1. I confronted him, but I had no other proof. He gave me a big cover story that, given the situation, seemed plausible at the time. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and didn't pursue it. Not because I really believed him, but because I did not want our M to be destroyed when we had young children. I know now that the letter was absolutely correct. I still have that letter...

I am totally hyper vigilant now, and will never ignore red flags again for anyone. I am also trying to impress upon my kids that lesson in their own relationships because I don't ever want them to experience what I went through!

BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet

Posts: 1191 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
♀ Member
Member # 36951
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I now know that my X is a chameleon, changing to fit whoever he is currently living with. He is a hollow man who fills himself with whoever he is with. So it was hard to see the red flags with him because he hid it so well.


Posts: 162 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: ideservebetter45
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

didn't we all? Oh I just cringe when I think back.

my XWH is such a snake-charmer, he can make anyone believe anything he says.

D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 3410 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, yes. Hindsight is definitely 20/20.

There were red flags, from close to Day One. Most, I genuinely did not see.

However, ignored two. At the time, I was not in a place where I was really able to assimilate what they represented. While I could have foreshortened my marriage---and skipped over a ton of stuff, I suppose---it wasn't the time, for me.

I'd like the time back, now. But I had other things to face first.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8844 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

“when you're wearing rose colored glasses you can't see the red flags"

I just wanted to add this. Someone on this board quoted it in the past and I saved it. Unfortunately, not the name of the member who posted it - sorry to whoever it was.

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5243 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There were red flags ALL OVER THE PLACE. The problem was, I was so inexperienced in dating and relationships, I didn't recognize them for what they were. I honestly believed that he was incapable of cheating and doing the things he's done. I don't think naive adequately describes what I was. After a couple of years of counseling I realize how how dysfunctional our "perfect" relationship was and how many red flags I didn't recognize. I should have never married my first love.

“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 2:28 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel dumb - no, I saw nothing while we were together. I thought we were in the parent rut with one partner working really hard.

It wasn't until an incident that I confronted XH and truly, when I asked if there was someone else - I didn't expect the 'yes' that I got.

Looking back now I see 'stuff'. I don't think I was blind as much as he was trying it all on (AP relationship vs. our relationship). She didn't live anywhere near us, so he didn't come home late or disappear, kwim?

Once it was out, he just rolled with it all and I had to as well. I personally feel like from D-day to filing for D was really quick (like 3 months).

It's all 'good' now I guess. I survived.

Posts: 14389 | Registered: Jun 2008
Topic Posts: 27
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