One of the biggest was when I received an anonymous letter at work in the early 2000s. It told me about his A with OW#1. I confronted him, but I had no other proof. He gave me a big cover story that, given the situation, seemed plausible at the time. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and didn't pursue it. Not because I really believed him, but because I did not want our M to be destroyed when we had young children. I know now that the letter was absolutely correct. I still have that letter...
I am totally hyper vigilant now, and will never ignore red flags again for anyone. I am also trying to impress upon my kids that lesson in their own relationships because I don't ever want them to experience what I went through!
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man, ~ Shakespeare
I now know that my X is a chameleon, changing to fit whoever he is currently living with. He is a hollow man who fills himself with whoever he is with. So it was hard to see the red flags with him because he hid it so well.
my XWH is such a snake-charmer, he can make anyone believe anything he says.
There were red flags, from close to Day One. Most, I genuinely did not see.
However, ignored two. At the time, I was not in a place where I was really able to assimilate what they represented. While I could have foreshortened my marriage---and skipped over a ton of stuff, I suppose---it wasn't the time, for me.
I'd like the time back, now. But I had other things to face first.
“when you're wearing rose colored glasses you can't see the red flags"
I just wanted to add this. Someone on this board quoted it in the past and I saved it. Unfortunately, not the name of the member who posted it - sorry to whoever it was.
It wasn't until an incident that I confronted XH and truly, when I asked if there was someone else - I didn't expect the 'yes' that I got.
Looking back now I see 'stuff'. I don't think I was blind as much as he was trying it all on (AP relationship vs. our relationship). She didn't live anywhere near us, so he didn't come home late or disappear, kwim?
Once it was out, he just rolled with it all and I had to as well. I personally feel like from D-day to filing for D was really quick (like 3 months).
It's all 'good' now I guess. I survived.