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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Whoa jackson!!! Hold your horses! Yeesh.....
She11ybeanz
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Member # 27457
Frustrated  Posted: 7:54 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So....the nerdy guy I told you about that gave me his phone number just emailed me again on the dating site....and I was supposed to give him a call this weekend....but now I'm having second thoughts.... He just sent this message:

Are you a person that wants to be in a relationship? If we were lovers and so forth and I had to move bc of work, would you and your daughter move with me?

First of all, I wouldn't be PAYING to be on a dating site if I didn't want to be in a relationship....and second of all.....It would depend on the extent of the relationship and connection that I had with someone that would determine whether or not I would uproot myself from my career and family for another person.... and that is not a question that I am in a position at this time to answer!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Random thoughts
♀ Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kind of weird stating the "you and your daughter " why not just you?

Its almost like he is testing the waters of how co-dependent you are or will be.

And how easy it will to get to the daughter of the women he is dating.


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1587 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just like how presumptuous he is saying "If we were lovers" blah blah blah... and then asking if my daughter and I would move away with him! Um....DUDE....we haven't really even talked that much yet! Is this a scare tactic???

Its working....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:14 AM, June 21st (Friday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would still talk to him just to gauge what he is like. It is a bit...presumptuous...of him to already ask that question.

BUT, he may be thinking, "Whats the point in even talking to her if she cannot relocate". You don't know the reason he asked the question.

For me, it would be an automatic "No" since I cannot relocate due to my custody arrangement.

I used to ask guys in the first email or two if they cheated on their wives. That put a few off...so I learned to temper my "screening tools" until further along in the process.

If you get a bad vibe when you chat with him, just say..."Although you have some great qualities, but I don't think we are a match and I am not interested in taking this any further. Good luck in your search!"


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4136 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BUT, he may be thinking, "Whats the point in even talking to her if she cannot relocate". You don't know the reason he asked the question.

This was my first thought. I talked to a lot of military guys when I was doing OLD, and almost all of them asked me, very early on, if I'd be willing to move if things developed.

I'm now looking at a career that will take me abroad for years at a time, and will need to submit that same question to anyone who I might enter a serious relationship with. I'd rather not waste someone's time, and I'd rather they not waste mine, if it's a complete deal breaker from the start. Trust me, it sucks to high heaven to really fall for someone and then have something like geography prevent things from developing.

First of all, I wouldn't be PAYING to be on a dating site if I didn't want to be in a relationship

You need to be aware that not everyone who is on a paid site is looking for the same type of relationship you are. Some are, even many if you're on one of the more expensive sites like eHarmony or Chemistry, but paying for OLD does not automatically mean that everyone wants the same thing.

ETA:

It would depend on the extent of the relationship and connection that I had with someone that would determine whether or not I would uproot myself from my career and family for another person

Honestly, it's okay to tell him this - if he is seriously looking to relocate (and I'm speaking from being in his shoes right now), this^ is a very different answer than "no, I wouldn't". He's not asking you to pack up tomorrow. He's asking if it's a dealbreaker and should he not waste his time, or if you'd be open to the possibility if things developed to that point between the two of you.

It's actually not an unreasonable question.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 8:24 AM, June 21st (Friday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13735 | Registered: Jul 2011
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay....here was my reply...

Well, I definitely wouldn't be on match if I wasn't interested in being in a relationship. I don't have the time or patience for a casual type of thing. As far as relocating, it would depend on the circumstances as to whether or not I would uproot my daughter and move leaving behind my family and career. I would need to feel very confident with someone and know that the relationship was worth it. Its not really a yes or no question. Would I just move away a month from now with someone I met on here, probably not. A couple of years from now? Its a possibility. Does that answer your question?


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
debbysbaby
♀ Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That made my creep meeter go off...or at least my defenses went up as someone who isn't quite as stable and rational and cautious as I would want during a new beginning.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 866 | Registered: Aug 2011
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is not unreasonable. In fact, I would have replied " Interesting question. Why do you ask?" It may be he doesn't like where he is living and might be looking. Or maybe his career choice has him moving from place to place every few years.

Shelley, I think your creep-o-meter is mis calibrated. Look at it this way: you have very little invested and even if you meet for coffee, you have very little invested. Why not adopt the "sit back and let him show you who he is" approach.

You are very quick to assign negatives. Why not ask what is going on--might give you the answers--the real answers--you are seeking.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29610 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went ahead and answered his question. Like you said, I really have nothing to lose but I will admit...my creep-o-meter is set on a low toleration level....for sure! I've had too many bad OLD experiences.... but I'm working on trying not to "jump the gun" so to speak.

I've already been smart enough to not even respond to the guys that send me the one-liners "You're beautiful" or "wanna text?" Um....no.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
jennie160
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Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its almost like he is testing the waters of how co-dependent you are or will be.

This was my initial reaction as well and I probably would have nexted him.

Even if I went off of Ama's theory, it still means he probably doesn't have the best communication skills. He should have started that message explaining why he was asking those questions. But no one is perfect and it can't hurt to give him a chance, just keep your eyes open for more creep-o-signs.


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
osxgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8795
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think asking about moving would be a huge flag for me... assuming he is in a position where that might be a possibility.

The flag for me was saying "If we were lovers and so forth." That just really sounded... off to me.

Something like "if we were in a serious committed relationship..." would be better. Or "if we got to the point of talking marriage and..."

Of course, using "lovers" this way has always been a little off-putting to me anyway. Whenever I hear it used, it always seems to come off a little creepy to me. That's probably just me, though.

But using it this soon seems rather presumptuous.


Posts: 2394 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It rubs the lotion on its skin.

This gives me the heebie jeebies big time.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5554 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okey Dokey..... 2nd email from him.... still not sure what to think yet....

These are just to get a feel for you. I like you and want to really give us a chance. I guess my weekness is I'm very trusting and loving. Sorry for that. Ok redhead, here goes: are our distances too far from each other? I am looking for a job right now so I hope that doesn't count against me. Do you like to dance? Would you be open to a Friday the 13th marathon? They're scary movies from the 80's. Favorite ice-cream. I'm a very confident person when it comes to my intelligence and my caring nature. I just know the heart that I have and don't like it to be broken. Anyway, you're talking to a good guy so don't pursue me unless you really like me. Have a great day


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
newnormal
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Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

 probably doesn't have the best communication skills

Thats what I thought. Secondly, maybe he's been burned recently.


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm thinking he's been burned recently by the 2nd email...refer to above!!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dating is a process of getting to know each other, and it sounds almost as if he expects you to be in or out right now, which is not realistic.

Have you talked to each other on the phone and just had a conversation? If you do want to give him a chance, maybe you should do that, and if that goes well, then go out with him again.

Isn't dating fun?


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4515 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Oh the Irony
Member
Member # 12354
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, slow down dude. I can see the first email, but to say that he "like you and wants to give us a chance" stuff is wierd.

If you haven't met yet, then "liking you" already is odd. I mean, I generally have a decent idea of if I will like someone, but to want to really give something a chance when you haven't even met yet just screams of wierdness to me.

He is WAY overinvested in someone he hasn't met.


Two gorgeous boys, 14 and 8.
D-day Sept. 15, 2006.
Me, BS 43
Him, WS 50
Her, OG (Guess she is 27 or 28 now! 19-21 at the time...)
Separated. Divorcing. Happily working on myself.

Posts: 735 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: thankful for truth
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hmmmm. At this point I would probably say something along the line of..

"You sound like a great person and I don't have any idea if I am pursuing you or not at this point. I take getting to know someone slowly. Think, "move like a slug...'"

I would give him a warning that he is moving too fast for your comfort level. I even told one guy "slug like"...he got the hint and backed off.

Some of his questions are good, and some people just come off odd during email. Some of it feels like he moves quickly...but...again...hard to tell unless you move to phone/coffee.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4136 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
jennie160
♀ Member
Member # 29949
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyway, you're talking to a good guy so don't pursue me unless you really like me.

This is what really sticks out to me in the second email. Sorry, but if you have to tell someone you're a good guy, you're probably not.

If you do respond, I would use cmego's suggestion of explaining that you're just getting to know each other still and that you do this slowly. If he is truly a "good guy" he will respect this and back off a bit.


Posts: 921 | Registered: Oct 2010
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I responded and said exactly what you guys said.... and if he comes back with the lamp in my face and his interrogation glasses on again.....then I might have to nix this conversation and move on. This is wayyyy too much for me and I don't like to feel like I'm in an interview. I know that we need to get to know each other.... but I don't like to feel like this is an exam....pass/fail situation... ya know??


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 37
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