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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is this bitterness or just being real
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know those stupid relationship quotes and pictures people post on Facebook? Like, "back in our grandparents' time there was less divorce because people worked for what they wanted and they worked out their problems." I'm thinking, no, divorce was not accepted and women were in a lesser role so that shit got rug swept. Or just anything about if you want a relationship how you have to work for it and fight for it. And in my head I'm thinking, "yeah...but that is saying that I will accept toxic behavior so I can have a relationship and assuming he will change because I'm fighting to stay and it will be done because he loves me." Most of the time the people posting that kind of stuff don't have very healthy relationships either.

Anyway, I just thought how bitter I sounded in my head. Totally not going to go there on Facebook. And then I think, "ok TCD. Just shut up and start your cat collection. You have three and you've been burned...you're well on your way to be a crazy cat lady."


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 10 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 8, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

I'm getting out of here.


Posts: 1706 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you're being real.

People that post that shit on facebook are just doing it for show. I would bet the relationships they are in are toxic, harmful, and they rugsweep the shit out of it.


Posts: 3303 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get irritated by most of the quotes of 'wisdom' that get shared on FB. So I vote for just being real.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4554 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So then I have no excuse if I end up a crazy cat lady anyway?


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 10 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 8, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

I'm getting out of here.


Posts: 1706 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's a crazy cat lady in all of us!

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
curiouswiz
♀ Member
Member # 34405
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This makes me smile..I post the nasty ones. I post the truth. It affects my "real" friends so I have to send them private messages to let them know that this is the only way for me to tell "some" people how I really feel.

One friend sent me $20 american money when I was desperate. I hadn't posted in quite awhile and she just knew. I was shocked. I wasn't starving, I wasn't homeless, I was stressed about money though.

A few days ago I saw one of those and that related to my brother and SIL borrowing $3,000 from us but when we needed the money a few years ago and I asked if they could try to pay us back, when we were still a couple. SIL responds that if they knew they had to repay us they never would have borrowed so much. Uh. Um. What? They sent $300.00 well the A started during this financial crisis. They don't connect the dots?

I haven't talked with them since then. Nada. Not a word. They post on my kids/grandkids pages all the time and it pisses me right off! I've even told them to stay the F away from my kids! So, sorry about the t/j but I use FB to communicate I don't use it to tell people a lie. I brag about all my babies and I not so subtly say F you to people that have hurt me. That's my entire extended family. Yep. Not a single person left. Me and all my babies. Period.

Just smile to yourself TCD..You're doing such a good job and you know the truth.


God bless us, everyone.

Posts: 633 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Boston
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just about to go searching for something snarky to post when I realized I have two cats sitting with me. One is staring at me like, "yeah...you know we will be your only relationships in the future."


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 10 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 8, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

I'm getting out of here.


Posts: 1706 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has me thinking.... I wonder how many people stayed in bad relationships, abusive relationships, were cheated on repeatedly, etc. and they had no choice but to put up with it because divorce was not acceptable back then. Ugh. I can't imagine.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3179 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Lola2kids
♀ Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has me thinking.... I wonder how many people stayed in bad relationships, abusive relationships, were cheated on repeatedly, etc. and they had no choice but to put up with it because divorce was not acceptable back then. Ugh. I can't imagine.

We should make up a cute saying for this in the style of the one TCD mentioned and post it on FB.

"Back in our grandparent's time there was less divorce because people didn't want to hear about the cheating and abuse. That is for behind closed doors and we don't air our dirty laundry in public."


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1311 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. Those things irritate the shit out of me. People didn't get divorced because they didn't have options or didn't feel they had options, not because their marriages were healthy. TBH they still do.

If you're going to post a quote at least make it wet-your-pants funny or inspirational, or both.

eg. Honey Badger. I freaking love honey badger. Wet my pants funny AND inspirational.

Most of the time when people are posting this shit it is either a cry for help or a passive aggressive swipe at some unknown target. Its not the intent that bothers me - each to their own - but its how bloody transparent it is that bugs me.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5440 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't worry TCD, we have 4 cats, and I would get more if I could afford the vet bills. Nothing wrong with being a crazy cat lady

I guess I think it's sad when the stupid cats give me more love and affection than my husband..

And I've thought a lot about the changes in society when it comes to cheating. It's definitely been changing over the generations. Personally, I'm happy we live in a time where divorce is more accepted. I do think tons of women just rugswept and were made to think they shouldn't talk about it or that they should be embarrassed by it. My mom denies it, but I think my dad cheated on her. I think she wouldn't want to know if he had.. She would just want to dig her head in the sand.. My parents have told me quite a few times that I probably could have and should have gotten over the cheating, but it's all the other abuse and lying and manipulation and involving the kids that I should never forgive. And they are right. I probably would have gotten over the cheating, it's how he treated me since then that will never be forgiven..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2005 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, so I can't stand all those shallow, bullshit FB comments either. And the ones that have "like" if you agree and "ignore" if you don't believe it make me want to

I ignore them and consider the source(s), which usually explains it and makes me because I really know it is a load of fake crap.

I think, way back in the day, women WERE expected to accept shitty behavior by their spouse and sweep it under the rug. Remember, going even further back, women were considered "property" with no rights. My POS used to actually remind me of that, in his passive-aggressive way. He used to say he was born in the wrong time. He knew it would irk me when he would say those things because he knows I am absolutely the polar opposite of what those women were. Of course, he doesn't like that because he truly wants one of those women that look the other way when he conducts all his "extracurricular" activities, has dinner waiting on the table when he gets home, and is waiting for him in sexy lingerie! Unfortunately, because he cannot control his spending, I always had to work, including extra jobs so I didn't have the luxury of fulfilling his wishes, and I wasn't about to just turn a blind eye to his recreational sexual activities...

Being honest and real is more important, even if it means that my kids and my dogs are my only source of comfort and affection. I'll trade that for a toxic marriage any day!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 976 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
debbysbaby
♀ Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, let's definitely create our own quote for Facebook based on the reality of "back in the day".

There is little chance I will become the crazy cat lady (not my cuppa) but I'm on my way right now to being the crazy dog lady. I have 4 and my bitch is bred and due mid-July. I will keep one if any are show-quality so I will be to 5 in a month.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 844 | Registered: Aug 2011
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate that FB crap. Hate it!

Honestly, the reason there was less divorce is because there were almost no laws to protect people during the D process, most especially women and children.

How many of your grandmothers worked and had their own money? Really? It was almost unheard of. Women cooked, cleaned, and took care of however many children came along due to the failure of the "rhythm method".

There were no laws regarding alimony or child support. And, even of they existed, no one cared to enforce them.

The mothers got the children and they were lucky if the fathers forked over money for food. My mother's first cousin - 70 years old now so in that generation - had a husband who came home one day, packed his bag and left with OW without warning or discussion. She had to look for a job the next day and she and her two kids commonly ate apples for dinner that she stole from her own father from her own father's yard.

So, if there was a choice to stay in a bad M back then, that was the only realistic choice for most. At least they had a home, food and some money. Without the husband, back then, there was nothing. Sure, they could have chosen to get rid of the abuse, but sacrificed everything else in exchange for that.

People who post stuff like that have a very skewed view of reality. I also never believe the ones who purport to have perfect relationships. That's a farce too.

Be real. Nothing is perfect and no one is ever immune from pain.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2706 | Registered: Jan 2011
Coraline
♀ Member
Member # 36434
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my god, there are SO many negative things posted on fb, that people think are actually positive. My sister shared one that was all about the "perfect man", but it said he would be the one to let you put of the cellar after he locked you in it WTF does that mean? I was like, Uh, that's some abusive crap, and my sister said she didn't take it literally. Yeah, but it's still abusive. Like figuratively locking someone in a cellar could be anything else. What the fuck?

And my husband's niece and sister shared one that was like, "I'm a girl. I lose everything. I'm terrible at math. I take 3 hours to fix my hair and makeup before going to the grocery store. I'm emotional. I can't read maps and I get lost all the time. I cry too easily....blah, blah, blah, long list of insulting stereotypes about females..." There was like ONE positive thing about being a girl in it, and ten or fifteen negative ones, basically saying they hate math and science and are irrational BECAUSE they're girls and girls are just like that. How freakin stupid. And the niece was only 12, so I wouldn't call her stupid for it, but lacking in some good parental direction? Heck yeah. No way in hell will my daughters be taught to think so uncritically about what it means to be a female. And if they shared something like that on fb, you better believe I'd call them out for it.

And then I have a second cousin who shares annoying relationship crap all the time, and it's always so needy and pathetic. It's always talking about how great it would be to have an emotionally unavailable man who treats her like crap. Of course it's couched in all this code language, but at the end of the day, that's what she's saying.

I think there's a lot of terrible relationship advice out there, and most of it is encouraging women to be in awful relationships with shitty men. Think about Bridget Jones. It's supposed to be a happy love story, but in the second one, she decides to marry the controlling, emotionally unavailable jerk who treats her like she's an idiot and is embarrassed of her, all because the women in the prison somehow make her feel he's not that bad because he doesn't beat her or force her to do drugs or take all her money. I mean, this is the standard for love? He doesn't beat me or take my money, so he must be a catch? What the heck?


Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
fallingquickly
♀ Member
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are many of those posts that bug the shit out of me. My great aunt had a husband who left one day and never returned. That was a good thing as he was abusive, but she was left with very little. There wasn't any way to get anything that was in his name. No support. She worked in a friend's business until it closed, for decades. Her pay was low but she made do. Not much for women's rights at that time.


I think I'll become a cat/dog lady. I have one of each. Who knows how many I will have once I'm on my own.


Me-BW 50
Him-STBXWH

2 Ddays and lots of TT
divorcing

Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken


Posts: 453 | Registered: Aug 2012
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about we all accumulate one type of animal and open a zoo! All profits can go to SI. And paying a writer to come up with more realistic relationship posts for Facebook.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 10 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 8, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

I'm getting out of here.


Posts: 1706 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's about as gaggy as that stand by your man crap.
Translation: you're worth nothing so put up with it.
Um NO THANKS! Pass!

Posts: 4677 | Registered: Dec 2009
Topic Posts: 18

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