Today, I am thinking that the "something" may be that although I am still grieving the death of our "old" marriage, he has and is not.
He is all for looking forward to the future and making the most of the present. That is great but I feel that maybe I want him to grieve with me. Not that I want to dwell on that, but I need somehow to believe that he feels a sense of loss also.
Otherwise, it is like he enjoyed his affair, now lets enjoy us. No point in looking back, enjoy today.
Perhaps this is what is making me feel stuck. Does anyone else feel this way? Or maybe give some advice?
[This message edited by FightingBack at 10:27 AM, June 21st (Friday)]
my ic just keeps telling me it will take time....i hope so.
hugs to you...
I understand what you are grieving, but your H knew what kind of M you had all those years, even though you didn't. It seems to me you are asking him to grieve the loss of your illusions since he wasn't under any.
That's one of the sucky parts (of many)-- we were living two different realities. I realize there were parts of my H I never knew about, unA related.
My H also would prefer to focus on the future, but acknowledges that I have lots of processing yet to do. And he has work to do that dates back 45 years. That's just the reality of it, and it isn't always fun or pretty.
Best of luck.
[This message edited by housenotahome at 3:20 PM, June 21st (Friday)]
Perhaps I am grieving something that never was. Maybe I miss the illusion and my perception of who I thought he was.
And I suppose it is useless to grieve what could have, should have been, but I do. Such a terrible waste of years.
And he should certainly support you in your feelings; he just may not feel the exact same way. Hopefully he also regrets the wasted years.
My H wrote me a letter expressing regret for not figuring out his issues years ago; they ultimately cost us more than the A. Now that we both see what we could have had all along it does seem like a big waste, but what can we do? Only try to make the best of it going forward.
Maybe all you need is a little empathy. He may not share the same feelings of mourning and loss you do, or not at the same time, or over the same aspects of your M, but he may be able to relate or empathize. Bring it up until you're satisfied or done with that aspect of your healing, whichever comes first.
We are in R.