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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: WH told me how he justified his A
Markay81
♀ New Member
Member # 39387
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok my head is spinning a little here. I talked with my WH. I asked how he justified what he was doing. He said we were in such an awful place in out marriage he decided he was done. Didn't want the marriage it was over in his head. Heres the problem. He forgot to inform the other person in the marriage about his decision. ME! He did not ask for a separation until after he had started his A. 2 weeks after that he said he wanted a D then 2 weeks after that he comes to me and say "no I don't want a D I want to work this out". But still don't end his A for a few more weeks. Then he tells me he ended his A because he was starting to have feelings for the OW and it scared him. I mean WTF??? How do I even begin to wrap my head around this?


Ugh! Sometimes reality sucks.
BS (me) 31
WH (him) 33
OW - married Bar Whore Rig Rat
Married 14 years
3 amazing kids
DDay-3/03/2013 TT.The whole truth came out(hopefully) 06/09/2013
Currently on the roller coaster of R.

Posts: 48 | Registered: May 2013
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is your WH in IC? Sounds like he's coming out of the fog and trying to figure this out himself, and is spinning all kinds of stories to justify his behavior. I wouldn't take anything he says that seriously, 3 months out. My WH was just beginning to start to understand at that point, and he'd been in IC since a month out. Unfortunately, your WH is doing this in a hurtful way, not thinking of how this bullshit is going to make you feel. He should save this meandering for his IC, and think about YOU and what YOU need to heal.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1051 | Registered: Aug 2012
Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then he tells me he ended his A because he was starting to have feelings for the OW and it scared him. I mean WTF??? How do I even begin to wrap my head around this?

Unfortunately you can't. My WH did and said something similar.

We were going through a very stressful time in our life. I tried talking to him about trying to work through the problems. One day he came home and asked for a separation. I had no idea he wanted to leave our marriage. I told him how I felt and for some reason he decided not to leave. I suspected an OW and he denied it. A year later I finally found out the truth. He didn't end the A when he decided not to leave and from what I can tell the A got more intense.

Is your DDay recent? I spent over a year going over and over what my WH did and the more I thought about it the more different scenarios I came up. I finally had to tell myself if I want to R I needed to stop trying to understand what WH did. This is a regular conversation I have with myself. There was no good reason that made any sense to me. The more I tried to find a good reason the more angry and hurt I became. So I had to stop thinking about what he did and think about the future and what I was going to do and what I needed him to do so I can stop worrying that he will do this again.

We have been going to MC and I have been very open about how I feel. WH says he is committed to changing how he reacts to stress and not running away by compartmentalizing and disengaging. He has committed to not hanging around people who make negative comments about marriage and wives.

If you want to R and come to sort of peace with how WH handled his "awful place" you need WH to understand what he did created what I described as a huge crack in the foundation of the marriage. He needs to admit what he has done in away that you know he understands how his behavior is damaging to your relationship. You need to feel secure and WH is someone you can rely on again. Importantly you need to see he is committed to change and wants you to trust him again.

Also, my WH finally admitted in MC his unhappiness was with himself and his insecurities. It had nothing to do with me. It is important your WH understands his "awful place in our marriage" and how he choose to handle it are about him not you.

Unfortunately, your WH is doing this in a hurtful way, not thinking of how this bullshit is going to make you feel. He should save this meandering for his IC, and think about YOU and what YOU need to heal.

I think they do this in attempt to explain themselves and it only makes it worse. MC has helped me through some of the crap WH said.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
Markay81
♀ New Member
Member # 39387
Default  Posted: 3:03 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No not in IC yet. We talked about waiting until the end of summer because of his work. Im really not trying to make excuses but he is a driller with the licensing needed for his crew to be on that location. So if hes not there, they cant work. I was pushing hard for IC getting things in order. But for the past 2 days after hearing that from him I have just been so angry. I just feel so defeated. We are only 3 months out from dday and I really do want my marriage. But I am so having some strong "whats the point" moments. Even know I think you all are great I hate that he chose to put me in this club. I hate him! I hate him for being so selfish. I hate him for destroying me. I hate him for tearing apart our home, our family. I hate him for killing the man I fell inlove with. So angry.


Ugh! Sometimes reality sucks.
BS (me) 31
WH (him) 33
OW - married Bar Whore Rig Rat
Married 14 years
3 amazing kids
DDay-3/03/2013 TT.The whole truth came out(hopefully) 06/09/2013
Currently on the roller coaster of R.

Posts: 48 | Registered: May 2013
Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you willing to go to IC until starting MC?

The emotions you describe are normal. I spent months being angry like you described asking over and over why did he do this. What did I do to deserve this? To finally realize I did nothing. He made an awful choice and he needed to own it and work on it. I think it is normal to have anger and express it in healthy avenues. Eventually you have to let go of the anger. If you don't it will eat at you and take control over you.

Is your WH showing remorse? Is he expressing he is sorry what he has done? Is he reading about infidelity and repairing your relationship? Is he changing his behavior to insure there will not be another A?

I think a good IC for you and MC will help you with these emotions and help make a decision if you can R.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he can't do IC for now, he can start reading some books. After the Affair is a good one, as is Not 'Just Friends'.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1051 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 6

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