ETA: SO seems fine but he barely talks to me anymore. I'm trying to smile and engage and make this a good day but my efforts are failing. It doesn't help that we had an argument before we left home over something silly household related. I am aware this is probably worse for him but outwardly he is acting like its any other day.
[This message edited by Unagie at 2:34 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]
Both had DDays and TT
Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.
Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.
ETA: If he isn't willing to listen, then there's a bigger problem.
[This message edited by KBeguile at 7:46 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)]
KB, I disagree. If Unagie's SO doesn't want to talk about it, IMO she should respect his wishes. He gets to decide how to process his feelings: not she. If that means sitting quietly in a restaurant with her, so be it. My BH and I went out last night and he was quiet, said he was feeling empty. I asked him if it was OK if I just filled the silence with banal small talk, and he was good with that. An hour in something I said made him laugh, it was a great moment. Didn't last, but it was nice.
If Unagie's SO doesn't want to talk about it, IMO she should respect his wishes
Allowing the BS to stay quiet if he/she needs to, and not communicating altogether or working on how to move forward through this are two very different things, IMO.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
Except he passively aggressively continues to punish her and doesn't own his own shit
And she has chosen to sit in this situation and take it. After there has been many people here that have offered her support should she chose to leave.
Choosing to stay in this situation has become it's own form of martyrdom.
Unagie, he has made his position clear to you almost from the start, that he was not in this thing with you. You continue to need his forgiveness and love to move forward with your life. What are you going to do if he never gives it?
I can feel your pain emanating from your post. But please don't give up, be strong even when it is hard, things will get better you are not even a year out yet. I know things are hard but let me share a story. When me and H went to Maui for our 10th anniversary we decided to climb mt. Haleakala one day, and it was in December so it was pretty cold there. Well me and H head out on a path through the Mt to the other side where there was a valley. We did not know what the valley was going to look like though so we were just going to go as far as we could for as long as we could handle. The path was cold, and foggy and I gave up after awhile and headed back and waited cold and miserable for my H to return. He went on and saw a very beautiful, lush, sunny valley just around the corner from where I quit. If I had kept going I could have enjoyed that beautiful scene with him. I regret quitting, and have heard many who have quit on their relationships say they regret it too.
Get through it by imagining that in the end you two will be stronger than ever. Be as patient as you would if you had just met him. Don't fill in the blanks with your negative thought. You will talk things out eventually but right now he needs time to be a pouting boy. You will have your moments too. Step back and pick your battles, and most important fake it till you make it, act happy, force a smile, it may cheer him up. Don't smile at your stuff smile at him, act happy to be with and near him, it will do wonders I promise. Not every time but enough times.
2002/3 (him) EA
My BW fought for R and for our M. It took about 2 years for me to turn myself around and commit to R. 2 years of limbo.
My own opinion is that your WBF is going to hold onto whatever he's holding onto until the very end. I don't think he will own his shit. But, you will never know for sure if you don't make the effort.
I don't know how you make it through some days. You have a lot of strength somewhere inside you to be able to continue on in this relationship. I hope whatever happens that you continue to heal and to become the person you want to be. It's just hard to see any indication that your SO has that same capability.
Except he passively aggressively continues to punish her and doesn't own his own shit.
Who the hell knows how to get him to open up. Sounds like he has his own fish to fry.
I have some of this in me but in comes from a place of being excessively patient now. At first I demanded! I yelled. I engaged.
You seem like a good egg Unagie, perhaps some straight talk from you or with the assistance of MC would help. Does the guy even know how to talk about it?
One of the things my W used to say an struggles with is that after her A she felt like she didn't have a foot to stand on asking for things from me. It was crap, but it was the place she was. Are you there? If so, maybe you should call his shit out.
I understand that the neighborhood might be a trigger for you. It might not be for him, though. People are different. He may not want to discuss your affair anymore. His choice.
Unagie, your boyfriend may not be engaged anymore. He has done his own thing from the very beginning whether it was something that hurt you or not.
You can choose to stay. You can choose to leave. The thing about "never give up" is that life is not a movie. The plucky underdog guy/girl keeps loving inspite of everything done to them to have the love interest "wake up" to what they have and ride off into the sunset.
Look at what you really have. A man that has never considered your feelings and had strong healthy boundaries.
I've posted before and strongly believe... Broken people just bleed together. That's it.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
Wert I do feel at times I have no leg to stand on. I have attempted to talk to him about it. Perhaps I am doing it wrong I don't know.
I am not trying to live a movie or think he will magically wake up. Never give up is not my end goal, I just have not reached my breaking point. I have come close. I have felt like I wouldn't want to wake up the next day. My family and friends do not understand why I'm still here so I rarely vent to them anymore. I come here or I just cry it out and move on. This is not how I want to live. I don't understand why something in me keeps saying not yet, you have a little more left in you. I feel like I'm not articulating what I'm trying to get out. I think underneath it all I'm doing all this because I'm the one who caused it so I should be the one putting the work in. The sensible part of me tells me you caused your A not his and not how he is choosing to deal with it all but then this other side of me feels like he would not be acting this way if I had not cheated to begin with. Then it loops. I'm obviously still working on my issues and hangups or I'd be in a more stable place mentally. I'm not sure if this is coming out right again I'm kind of typing as the thoughts fly through my mind.