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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 30 months out
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D-Day was 30 months ago today. I guess my life was impacted by my W's lousy relationship with ow (I'm not sure it was an EA) for maybe 9 months before D-Day. So 3 1/4 years of my life has been fucked up by W's A. 5%. Shit!

R continues to go well. I think I've almost recovered/healed for myself. I'm getting more interested in the world outside my head and actually participating more and more. I hope that keeps up.

HPV reared its head a few months ago, and that's still pretty new and enraging, but.... As an STD, my risk of damage is lower than with most, but I wish there were a cure. OTOH, apparently, diseases caused by HPV take longer to develop than my current life expectancy so.... I just don't know what to make of that factoid.

Our M is better than ever, since my W is working through her dysfunctional thinking and self-hate. She's now as honest as I always thought she was.

(My/our) Life is what it is and will be what we make of it, within natural constraints. W still turns me on. I still feel good when she laughs. I still feel good when we touch.

I'm very grateful for SI. Thanks to MH, DS, mods, guides, fellow members - SI can take a lot of effort just as an active member, and I can't imagine what it takes to keep it going.

I'd really like to list some folks who have been especially helpful to me over the 28 months I've been a member, but there are too many to list, so my advice is: if you've posted, take some credit for helping me.

A public word to Moo: You were the catalyst that got me to start ballroom dancing. We don't add a lot to the dance floor, but we're not so bad that people would notice us, and we do have fun. Thanks a million!

To other members, if you don't dance and if you're looking for a way to connect with your partner, take some lessons. You may have as much fun as we do.

A lot of good stuff, but underlying it all is: I sure wish W had never cheated.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10343 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sisoon.....glad to hear things are going better. I'm thankful there is a place we can all go to share our stories and learn from others.....I find a calm wisdom in many of your posts and am glad you, like so many others, take the time to speak up and share.

OTOH, apparently, diseases caused by HPV take longer to develop than my current life expectancy so.... I just don't know what to make of that factoid.

This hits home....one of the reasons I am reconciling is the awareness that each day we are still here is a gift. Our life together, for the majority, has been pretty good and though I wish H had never cheated, he did and as you said...it is what it is.

Knowing it could all be over tomorrow from 'natural' causes makes me work harder at finding the fun and love in our life again instead of squandering my remaining time focused on the sadness H brought to our marriage. That is his burden to carry.

Hope things just keep getting better and you find the peace you need.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Mar 2010
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sisoon,

I'm glad things are going in such a good direction for you and your W .

Funny coincidence, Moo was the catalyst for a huge change in me too. It didn't have to do with dancing but it might have saved my marriage.

SI and the people here are treasures.

BTW, I have brought up the idea of ballroom dancing with my H but he wasn't too thrilled. Maybe one day . It looks like a blast!


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37987 | Registered: Sep 2007
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Sisoon, I am happy to read this post and grateful for all of your posts.

You are clear and know what you want. You want a loving, healthy relationship with your W. Your faith in her moves me. I also admire that when you do post to others who are angry or lost, you are up-front but kind.

I hope things continue to go well for you and your W.

Funny...H and I are thinking of dance lessons!

Have a good weekend.
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2439 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
soveryweary
♀ Member
Member # 32265
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Sisoon, I was looking for the like thumbs up to click on as I was reading your post.
May you continue on your healing journey.


Divorced 1/3/14

Posts: 627 | Registered: May 2011
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all your insights and inspiration. I am sorry you are here but I am also grateful that you are.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2628 | Registered: Aug 2012
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HPV reared its head a few months ago, and that's still pretty new and enragin
whaaaat???? OMG Sisoon, what's going on?

Aside from the above, ^^^^^^^^^^^, I'm glad to hear things are going well, and that you guys are enjoying dancing!

To other members, if you don't dance and if you're looking for a way to connect with your partner, take some lessons. You may have as much fun as we do.
I second that wholeheartedly! H and I started that several months after D-day, and it was great fun. What I would like to suggest to other members that are looking for ways to reconnect with their spouse, if you don't want to dance, fine, but do something together that neither one of you have done before, so that the learning of the activity together is a bonding experience. So that neither one of you is the 'expert', that both of you are starting out the activity on an even playing field. It helped us a lot, and OMG, how we laughed! Laughter really is a great medicine!


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7092 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I came here, I thought I had to recover faster than 2-5 years - that's the 'soon' part of my ID. Now I know recovery will take as long as it takes. Still, I can't help thinking today that, at 30 months and 1 day out, I'm more than half-way there.

W tested positive to HPV in 2 successive pap tests. She never tested positive before but apparently never was tested for HPV before, so we're sort of at a loss. Still, except for ow, we've only been with each other since we met. Odds are W picked up the virus from ow.

It's hard to comprehend, because there are so many variables in HPV infection. I don't want to ignore it, but I don't want to freak out, either. It's another bump in the road....

WRT dancing, I want to emphasize we are not a couple who attracts attention. The only thing you want to adopt from us is the part of our attitude that says we just do our best without fretting about mistakes. The biggest hurdle was dropping the idea of being perfect. I apparently can't move my hips or find a beat. W can't seem to follow or avoid tripping on her own feet. We're top notch at not knocking other people over, though, and I think that's all we need to have a place on a dance floor when there's no contest going on.

I absolutely agree with ppga - if you want to R, do something fun together, and the more you do together the better it probably is for you.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10343 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Over the past three months, I have read many of your posts that give support and encouragement to others. Your wisdom and advice is so valuable to me, especially in these early months. It gives me hope that some day I will be at 30 months and that my outlook regarding my M will be as positive as yours.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 385 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I came here, I thought I had to recover faster than 2-5 years - that's the 'soon' part of my ID.

You and me both... I honestly thought my recovery time was going to be about 2-4 weeks. Looking back, that seems so crazy and unrealistic now. It really took me a long time to get to the point of letting go and realizing it will take as long as it takes. It also took me realizing that I didn't know how long this journey will be, or what the final destination will actually look like ('are we there yet', and 'where are we going, anyway', all wrapped up into one). I never knew what the 'soon' part of your name represented. Thank you for sharing that.

I absolutely agree with ppga - if you want to R, do something fun together, and the more you do together the better it probably is for you.

I agree with this as well. I was having a bit of a down day, mood wise yesterday, and felt much better after going out with my wife and having a great time with her last night. I need to take this advice to heart more often.

Our d-days are very close to each other, and following your journey has been personally helpful to me. Aside from the circumstances that brought you here, I am grateful you are here, and I am glad for the amount of healing you have had in the last 30 months. Thanks for sharing your experiences, your ups, your downs, and thanks for the massive amount of help you have given to the rest of us here.


Posts: 7489 | Registered: Dec 2010
UKlady
♀ Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you sisoon for your words of wisdom and for sharing your feelings and advice. I still feel relatively new here and look to people like yourself who have obvious compassion and love for your W and for life itself.

You speak a lot of truth - no soft soaping and that's great.

WRT taking up a new hobby with your other half, my WH and I are planning to buy a kayak and go out together at our local beach (walking distance) and we've also become (shhhh.....) keen fossil collectors!! not something I ever imagined doing! Doing new things together does really help - I just need to stop those awful images/thoughts/mind movies from popping up when we do stuff. I guess, though I get sick of hearing it, that time will help!!

(((sisoon)))


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so grateful for all your advice!
Glad you took up a new hobby.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5247 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice work sisoon. Thanks for all your wisdom over that last few months.

take care..



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
blueberry
♀ Member
Member # 32167
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Sisoon,
Congrats on 30 months of healing and working on your M. I am barely on SI, but whenever I am , it is your posts that resonate the most with me. Our D-days are 1 month apart. All the best to you and keep focusing on all the " GOOD STUFF".

Me-50 next week!
FWH- 52
M-23 years
D-day-1/25/11
God help us, its not east being soul mates........


Posts: 225 | Registered: May 2011 | From: US
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are sounding a lot more up than you were a few months ago. Nice to see.

You are always a huge support to everyone here.

And this:

A lot of good stuff, but underlying it all is: I sure wish W had never cheated.

Yeah.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6545 | Registered: Jan 2011
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((sisoon)))

I saw the title, knew it was my graduating class, and figured it was you.

I'm so glad you've found dancing, and I'm glad you feel more and more recovered/healed as time progresses.

I've appreciated your posts and friendship over the years. Any time I hit some odd emotional dip I knew I could check in with you and you'd help me to not feel like a lunatic.

That really effing sucks about the HPV.... if you posted about that elsewhere I apologize for missing it.

All in all, we're surviving. Thank you for helping me through my stuff. I hope thinks are onward and upward for you and Mrs. S.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17799 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am happy for you and the continued R path you guys are on.

You and your posts are always spot on to me...Thank you for all your wisdom.

I really appreciate you.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 12:25 PM, June 24th (Monday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you are doing well. I am happy for you.

You pay and payed it forward. I would not be where I am at today without your help.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2558 | Registered: May 2010
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good on ya Sisoon. You have helped a lot of people on here. Myself included.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm uber happy for you, sisoon!! :) I recently came to the realization "I'm" not in R, but I still lurk around here...looking for posts just like this. :) I'm glad you have peace in your heart again.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
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