I looked at his phone messages last week and saw he's been to an SAA meeting and has booked his summer vacation, neither of which he has mentioned to me. Also texts saying that his IC "stings", he's ready to go out for a beer and "make a toast to the future", and two texts to his mom asking her not to call or text me until he's had a chance to talk with me first. WTH does that mean??
After DD #3 I told him I need to see him fight for our M and we need to begin talking openly and honestly if he wants me to consider MC. Since then, he hasn't showed any fight (he's normally passive aggressive with me) and hasn't spoken at all about the As, his IC sessions, or anything else related.
I am taking the children for 2 months to visit my family (we live overseas), and WH won't see us at all during that time. I really want to know what's going on so I don't get blindsided by something, but my gut tells me I shouldn't initiate the discussion with him. Or, given his actions, maybe it's safe to assume that he's already made the decision to move on. So should I talk to him or not? I know it's not the 180 thing to do, but it's driving me crazy not knowing what's up!
[This message edited by confused71 at 3:09 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]
Are you in IC? Is MC a possibility for you two, to meet once a week to have a neutral situation in which to discuss the issues and progress.
We are in R.
I ask because this is what my X did during the M and during S. He just acted like nothing was wrong unless I said something. So maybe your WH is just doing what he always does: "ignore it and it will go away"?
If so - nothing has changed. If that isn't the typical routine - not sure what to tell you but I'd be leaning toward a negative outcome from the messages you read...
In that you have already told him he would have to fight for your M, and he isn't doing it. I'd say hold to the 180 and be planning your life without him. I know that is hard to hear, but he seems to be just be moving along on his own, and keeping his own counsel...
I'd say prepare yourself mentally that his decision is to just lay things lie and do nothing, or to eventually move to D (probably waiting for you to do it, if he is following the WS script).
I think there is a thread in the ICR forum for those with emotionally unavailable spouses: yours seems to fit that category - Might want to check it out and see if anyone there has more insight.
he's normally passive aggressive with me
I'd say he still is. Focus on your own 180. He knows his actions are driving you crazy.
Married over 9 years, together for 18.
DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).
Knowing: Yes, I'm in IC but my therapist is out of town for 2 weeks. Finding it difficult not to have the weekly session to get it all out. WH wanted MC right after DD#3 so we could "learn how to communicate better", as if that was the problem. I told him no MC until he gets into IC and deals with his issues first.
Take2: There were no fights during the entire marriage. An occasional mild disagreement but never raising of voices. He thought getting angry or arguing was never necessary. When i brought up concerns about our marriage, he would stay quiet or place the blame on me. So, yes, you're probably right, he's just continuing to do more of the same behavior now.
I just have a hard time grasping that this man who has been so passive in our marriage could have been manipulating me the entire time. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt, respected his privacy, was so open and and honest with him, and this is how he treats me. I guess I was just a doormat.
I know I need to get on with my life but we have small children together and we work together so we see other daily. And compartmentalization is not one of my strengths. Two months away from him should help I suppose. Just wish I could shut my brain off sometimes.