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User Topic: What to do?
confused71
♀ New Member
Member # 39530
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Multiple DD were 6 weeks, 5 weeks, and 4 weeks ago. Because of all the TT and affairs, I initially thought there was no other option but divorce. WH said 3 weeks ago he wanted R, and I agreed to wait for a diagnosis (SA, personality disorder...) before deciding whether or not I would be open to R. We are separated, and although I see WH every day as he is visiting the children, he has not spoken to me about anything "real" in 2 weeks. During every visit to see the kids, he always seems so happy and carefree (unusual for him as he is generally unemotional) and even told me 3 weeks ago that this is the best relationship he's ever had with the kids. I don't get it? Is he doing the 180 and, if not, maybe he's just decided to move on. Since I've been trying to do the 180, I haven't brought up any A issues with him, but now I'm finding that the more he backs off the more I want contact.

I looked at his phone messages last week and saw he's been to an SAA meeting and has booked his summer vacation, neither of which he has mentioned to me. Also texts saying that his IC "stings", he's ready to go out for a beer and "make a toast to the future", and two texts to his mom asking her not to call or text me until he's had a chance to talk with me first. WTH does that mean??

After DD #3 I told him I need to see him fight for our M and we need to begin talking openly and honestly if he wants me to consider MC. Since then, he hasn't showed any fight (he's normally passive aggressive with me) and hasn't spoken at all about the As, his IC sessions, or anything else related.

I am taking the children for 2 months to visit my family (we live overseas), and WH won't see us at all during that time. I really want to know what's going on so I don't get blindsided by something, but my gut tells me I shouldn't initiate the discussion with him. Or, given his actions, maybe it's safe to assume that he's already made the decision to move on. So should I talk to him or not? I know it's not the 180 thing to do, but it's driving me crazy not knowing what's up!

[This message edited by confused71 at 3:09 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]


Me: BS 39
Him: WS 44
Married 10 years, cheated at least 7 of those years
Two young DS
Multiple DDays in May 2013, and still waiting for the next DD to strike
Prostitutes abroad and in our home, 2 long-term simultaneous affairs - 1 PA & 1 EA/PA

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: The Desert
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many more DDays do you have left in you? Your WS hasn't been "all-in" your M for most of it. If I were you I'd focus my time and energy into healing myself and taking care of your precious DSs. You are currently S, take advantage of that time to figure out what YOU want.

Are you in IC? Is MC a possibility for you two, to meet once a week to have a neutral situation in which to discuss the issues and progress.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did it look when you had an unresolved fight or disagreement during the M? Did he just whistle through things if you didn't bring it up - act as if nothing was wrong or had happened?

I ask because this is what my X did during the M and during S. He just acted like nothing was wrong unless I said something. So maybe your WH is just doing what he always does: "ignore it and it will go away"?

If so - nothing has changed. If that isn't the typical routine - not sure what to tell you but I'd be leaning toward a negative outcome from the messages you read...

In that you have already told him he would have to fight for your M, and he isn't doing it. I'd say hold to the 180 and be planning your life without him. I know that is hard to hear, but he seems to be just be moving along on his own, and keeping his own counsel...

I'd say prepare yourself mentally that his decision is to just lay things lie and do nothing, or to eventually move to D (probably waiting for you to do it, if he is following the WS script).

I think there is a thread in the ICR forum for those with emotionally unavailable spouses: yours seems to fit that category - Might want to check it out and see if anyone there has more insight.

((confused))


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
tryingmybest2011
♀ Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he's normally passive aggressive with me

I'd say he still is. Focus on your own 180. He knows his actions are driving you crazy.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 321 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
confused71
♀ New Member
Member # 39530
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your responses. I knew the right answer but I needed to hear it from others. I'm just finding it difficult being the one rejected yet again.

Knowing: Yes, I'm in IC but my therapist is out of town for 2 weeks. Finding it difficult not to have the weekly session to get it all out. WH wanted MC right after DD#3 so we could "learn how to communicate better", as if that was the problem. I told him no MC until he gets into IC and deals with his issues first.

Take2: There were no fights during the entire marriage. An occasional mild disagreement but never raising of voices. He thought getting angry or arguing was never necessary. When i brought up concerns about our marriage, he would stay quiet or place the blame on me. So, yes, you're probably right, he's just continuing to do more of the same behavior now.

I just have a hard time grasping that this man who has been so passive in our marriage could have been manipulating me the entire time. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt, respected his privacy, was so open and and honest with him, and this is how he treats me. I guess I was just a doormat.

I know I need to get on with my life but we have small children together and we work together so we see other daily. And compartmentalization is not one of my strengths. Two months away from him should help I suppose. Just wish I could shut my brain off sometimes.


Me: BS 39
Him: WS 44
Married 10 years, cheated at least 7 of those years
Two young DS
Multiple DDays in May 2013, and still waiting for the next DD to strike
Prostitutes abroad and in our home, 2 long-term simultaneous affairs - 1 PA & 1 EA/PA

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: The Desert
Topic Posts: 5

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