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User Topic: OW contacted me...I'm a mess now
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't be too hard on yourself. To be contacted by the MOW must be hard enough. For her to use information that you know came from your H is terrible. It would devastate any of us.

Unfortunately, by intimidating and bullying you, she got the results she wanted.

I do hope that you and your start MC. You do matter and you do deserve to be happy.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1049 | Registered: Mar 2012
HurtButHoping12
♀ Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Psh, I'd put her name back up on that site!

OW did the same to me... called me fat, in fact had an entire conversation on FB about how fat and disgusting I was. Said I was a bad mom and horrible wife, ugly, worthless, stupid to take WH back, a door mat, a waste of space etc. I say, sure, I may be all that... but I'm still a better person than you because I have morals and ethics and loyalty and don't need to go after someone else's husband to make me feel good about myself.

She is projecting onto you, all the things she hates about herself. I'm sorry she got to you, but you are NONE of those things she called you! HUGS


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you know...these ow never cease to amaze me...never. it is like there is an ow playbook out there and they follow it word by word. i am sorry that this happend. i really am. i know how you feel. my husband's ow contacted me as well...only she was trying to act like she was "helping" when really she was only trying to hurt me by telling me all the details of their relationship..and how much they cared about each other. puke! and of course she made sure to tell me personal things about me that my husband shared with her....that hurt too. so i get it.

but, keep in mind a few things....SHE is the one obsessesed with YOU. that is why she is contacting you, and felt the need to tell the wife off....and she was the one who was sleepign with your husband. now who sounds like the fool? and if she was so much better than you...and if their "relationship" was so important, then why did he dump her and come back home? there can be a MILLION excuses in the world that a cheater will tell his mistress on "why" he went back home....the kids, money, family....and using the "she will hurt herself" is right out of the wayward playbook as well. and deep down the ow knows this is true....and is trying to hurt YOU to make herself feel better about the situation.

that is why ignoring the ow is so important. there is nothing good that can come out of what she has to say...nothing. ignore her completely moving forward, and that will only reinforce to HER that she is irrelevant....and the fact is that she is irrelevant.

let her think whatever she wants to think about YOUR marriage. it is none of her business. you know what you need to do with your husband...and if he needs to keep his ass at home, then so be it...that is between you and him. she has no idea what is going on. she may "think" she knows what is going on in your marriage...but really it is just the fabricated, inaccurate, distorted version told by a man cheating on his wife. they all tell the same story....and ow fall for it.

she has no idea who your are..or what you are about.

stay strong. we are hear for you.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 988 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry - please try not to be down on yourself. ((HUGS))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone

I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to help my M anymore or my WH. I just want to hole up somewhere safe where no one could tell me that "I need to let this go" or "It is in the past"

My Dad even told me if I keep rehashing this A it will probably make WH leave. The way I feel about it is then he can leave.

i am in a REALLY bad place right now. A very dark place.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...told me if I keep rehashing this A it will probably make WH leave.

If only it were that easy...


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't say if you're in MC or IC. If not, maybe finding someone with whom you can talk could be helpful. There's no easy answer to pain; taking care of yourself and really knowing that you deserve happiness can help.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My dear cbs,why are you allowing the words of *this* person to affect you in ANY way?

This is the R forum..there is to be no name calling or venting about the AP here..which is unfortunate,because I have *so much* to say about THIS OW.

But..really..she doesn't matter. YOU matter. Who cares what she thinks about you? Her opinion is as important as Spongebob Squarepants.(Sorry Spongebob)

You have been doing so well. You have gotten so much more confident..so much stronger. How dare she come along and try to take that from you. Don't let her. You are a kind,intelligent,beautiful,amazing person. Do not let her win. Fuck her. Block her.

And..if you want to..put her damn name back on the cheater site. Consequences are a bitch.

Stand up,my friend. Hold your head up. You are worthy.

(((((cbs)))))

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:32 PM, June 24th (Monday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7689 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crazy, you better get your stuff together. You are a strong ass woman and a great mother!!!!!!!!!!! You hear me??? I love you dearly.

And, that stupid bitch was trying to make you feel bad. I know it's hard, but don't let her! Fuck her and fuck your H for now. You are an amazing, beautiful stand up woman. She basically wants what you have, your life, your H, everything...She's just pissed she can't have it. So, next best thing, she's going to try to ruin it for you

As for your father...well, guys don't really know what they're talking about. We are here with you, right next to your side every step of the way. We understand you. We have been there. I used to cut myself, too. But, you know what, I look in the mirror, and think would I want my boys to see what I've done to myself???????????

I'm so sorry you're a mess right now... :(...

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 2:49 PM, June 24th (Monday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CBS,

I get that him telling her that is really getting to you. Feels disloyal, it was yet one more thing that he handed over. And yes, it was shitty. Can't change that. There are a lot of things about these situations that we can't go back and change that we all wish we could.

So what are you going to do with it today? Are you really back at square one with your coping mechanisms? I don't believe that, you have worked to hard and been here learning what you need to do. Right now you have just set those tools down for a bit. You aren't back at square one even though it feels like it, I know how that feels. It really kind of pissed me off. Here I was doing pretty good and someone came along and knocked me back down.

Do you plan on letting her keep you down? She really plays no role in this anymore, not if you decide that she doesn't. She can be as insignificant as you decide to make her.

I know in the end you got this CBS. Just may take you a few minutes to get back up. Big hugs.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5073 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 3:50 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Libertyrocks,

This thread has already been flagged for OW namecalling. Please follow the forum guidelines. There is no venting about or namecalling OW in the Reconciliation forum.

Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thread moved to General as people seem to want it to be a vent thread.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
wtf2
♀ Member
Member # 33952
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I will never understand why a person would want to inflict this kind of pain on someone"

Because you've got something she wants. Because when all was said and done he chose *you*.

She has to tell herself that he chose you because you threatened suicide. Otherwise, if you're worthless than what exactly does it say about her???

My OW also told everyone that he chose me because of the kids. Otherwise what would it mean about that great soulmate love she thought she had? That it was nothing???

Well, sucks for her. He loves you, he's staying with you, and she's a meaningless blimp for him.

Be strong. It gets better.


Me - BW. Able to feel happy again. Sometimes.
Him - FWH. He did the unfuckable
3 superstar kids - light of my life
OW - used to be one of my closest friends
A - lasted 1 year
DD - Jan 2011
R'ed

Posts: 207 | Registered: Nov 2011
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to update that I am starting to feel better. WH wanted to talk and so we did and he discussed his A, what his feelings were for her, and what she means to him now. He is very focused on wanting me to get better and our marriage to get better. He knows how badly he abandoned us (me and the kids) and is doing everything to change that. We actually sat at the dinner table as a family again and WH grabbed my hand and said, "I will make this right again," with tears in his eyes. As much as this incident hurt me, I think it is helping to bring my WH and I closer.

I thought I was going to separate or just ignore him and try to heal myself on my own, but he really helped me through this incident, on his own.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 12:04 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like he is really stepping up...and that he finally "gets it."


Yeah!!


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7689 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry SI Staff for bashing OW. I'm not supposed to be over here anyways. I moved myself back to general. I was trying to help her...

Good. Glad he's stepping up crazy.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:29 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
anv5
♀ Member
Member # 39217
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((crazyblindsided)))

I am so glad you are feeling better & that he stepped up!!
Feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk, it really hurt my wh when he found me crying in the middle of the night & was holding me & I looked at him and said "you have no idea how hard it is for me not to cut right now" I haven't faced that demon in soo many years & just the fact that it crossed my mind after all these years etc really made him realize how deep he had hurt me & shocked me because I know that I know better coping mechanizims but there it was


BS(me)30
WH 29
1 Child
Married 11 yrs
D-Day: 4/9/13 he cheated in '08 & now + trickle truth & tons of lies 6/27 Found more, swears I really do have the whole truth now.
2/2/14 found out more...it seems the TT never ends.
Trying to R

Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2013
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad to hear that he's stepping up, cbs.

That's the best possible update.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17850 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 38
Pages: 1 · 2

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