We run some errands. Talking is like pulling teeth. I show him a game while we're waiting in one area, its the most conversation we had. This is all in the neighborhood I use to work in, where I met OM. I think maybe he's feeling anxious or angry because of this. I know my anxiety was through the roof, but this is an area we both have frequented for most of our lives so he wasn't going to give up on going here. We have a 3 minute convo about bikes that are now available to rent and how he wants to get a bike. We go to starbucks, no convo. He wants food so we go to his favorite diner. While there no convo. I ask how his food is : Good. I ask is he's angry: No. I show him a loyalty card they are offering and explain it to him: okay. As we walk out and down the block I point to someone riding a bike and say I can't do that. He says what I say ride a bike, I have no balance. Silence. I also get scared when I see people coming towards me while on a bike. Silence. I ask him if he's ever going to have a conversation with me again, as this is how most of our interactions are. He says we are having a conversation. I ask how, he says we just had a convo about bikes. I stare at him blankly. You mean just now when I said some comments and you said nothing? His answer: I had nothing to contribute. So we start going back and forth about this. I tell him the only time we "talk" is when we argue. The only time you say more then a few wrods to me is if we fight. He says he doesn't understand what I'm trying to say to him, how can he predict what I need to hear from him so I feel like we're talking. I tell him you know what a conversation sounds like, you know how to communicate socially. He tells me he's not going to make up a response or have mindless chit chat. I just stare at him, you talk to your BFF and your cousin all the time. You have back and forths with them about movies, comics, travel but with me it's one word answers. Then when I say something about it it's all in my head. He says he never said it was all in my head but he's not going to just agree with me. I'm not asking for agreement just listen to what I'm saying and try to see what I'm talking about, you don't have to agree just take into account what I'm telling you. Last time we had this talk you started cuddling more, talking to me, watching movies with me then a couple weeks later right back to this again.
He decides during this convo that he wants to go to the mall so we get on the bus. Silence. I tell him he makes me feel like I'm crazy like I'm seeing stuff that isn't there. I'm not trying to be insensitive but that we don't communicate. His answer: silence. We get to the mall, silence. We go to Target: silence. He gets what he needs and we leave the store. He proceeds to start to walk ahead of me, never telling em where he's headed as I follow him to another store. I ask if he needs help finding what he needs: no. On the way down he asks if I need some thing, I tell him we need a fan as ours broke. We go to Best Buy and find nothing we like. He sits down in front of a TV, I sit with him. He says nothing. Gets up and says we're going to head home. On the way down he stops at another store. I'm still following him. He finds a pair of shoes, I ask if he tried them on: what for they're my size. We get on line: silence. I see a friend I haven't seen in awhile while on line. I walk over and greet her. We chat and she leaves. We leave the store and I tell him where I know her from: Okay I didn't need to know.
We get on the bus, he sits across from me in the front. He gives up his seat for someone with crutches and moves all the way to the back. I give up my seat for someone with a cane and move towards the center. 2 seats next to each other open and I sit. He stays standing. A seat opens near him and he sits down. We ride the bus in completely different sections the hour home. We get off the bus: silence. We get home and he takes a shower, gets on his computer and says nothing.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know what else to do or say. I told him I barely got sleep but I got up and got ready because I wanted to go out with you. He told me if you didn't want to come you should have just stayed. WTH, I truly feel like I'm going crazy. I'm so fucking lonely living in a house with someone else. I'm still doing the work on me, I'm still figuring out everything but at the same time I feel like I'm dying inside.
Am I overreacting or handling this wrong? Swing any 2x4's necessary. Sorry this was so long and if I included too much I just feel like curling up and crying while at the same time wanting to scream at the top of my lungs.
No longer together
"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."
If you hadn't had an A, would you still be with your SO if he were acting this way? Is this the man you love?
Believe me, as a BW, I get that our actions and manner changes after DDay. I know that I have put my WH through a lot of crap trying to heal. But through it all, I have always acknowledged him as a person.
When he doesn't look at you, doesn't interact with you, whatever, he's not giving you the basic decency of treating you as an equal. Is that someone you would choose to be with if you were first meeting him today?
"Long is the way And hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light" -John Milton, Paradise Lost
You're at the apartment moving heaven and earth to "make it up" to him, working on yourself, trying to engage, giving him physical affection, taking care of the housework, making him sammiches, he has an A, does nothing to help you, still hiding crap, still no transparency and communication from him, he's enshrouded himself in a veil of secrecy and silence.
Is that about right?
He's using you. There is no R. He's taking advantage of you. You don't love him. You love who he used to be. Before the crapstorm. He isn't that person anymore. And you know what? You don't owe anything to him. You really don't. If he choses to be the way he is (and he's showing his true colors loud and proud) that's on him. All bets are off. You take care of you. You get healthy. Leave if you have to. And it looks like that's what would be best. Cut all extra costs and frills. Save every red cent. Get a bus ticket, and get out.
Oh, and the restaurant bit. If QS refused to talk about it before hand, refused to engage in conversation, and tried to make me go to a trigger location with him, he'd go alone.
It took me almost 2 years to take back a trigger location. One QS loved. But we communicated and despite me blowing up our marriage, he was sensitive enough to me to wait till I was ready.
Your SO doesn't respect you.
Why don't you respect you?
[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 9:25 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?
but I got caught up. She huffs and turns away. Look I know it's her house but I hate the attitude. They have parties til 4am on a regular basis, music blasting so it sounds like it's in my bedroom. They bang on the ceiling constantly. Her grandson lives with her now and so when he decides to run back and forth across their home all I hear is the running which drives me insane. I complained about the banging once, it never stopped. They drive a motorcycle into the hallway outside my door at all hours of the night and park it there. Their washer/dryer is right outside my front door (we are not allowed to use it and must go to a laundromat) and they have used this at 1,2,3 am. They are loud, I hear them in my apartment. So yes I understand it is their apartment building and poo in the backyard is my responsibility but if that is the only thing you can complain about with us and we deal with all the shit you do I would like to be addressed a little more respectfully about it and perhaps acknowledge the fact that we do clean back there. I say all this to SO and we end up arguing as he told me I should have gone out at 4am to pick it up, it was already late in the day so if picking it up in the morning was my plan then I was too late, next time wake him up if I don't want to pick it up, they will never acknowledge that we clean back there because its what we're supposed to do and the extra stuff they will not acknowledge either. I got mad that there was 0 support from him on any of it, and he acted like I was trying to not acknowledge that cleaning her poo was our responsibility. I told him I know that but ffs they act like it's the world imploding and yet we never complain about the crap they do and they never say a word about all the stuff that we do that we don't have to. We go back and forth and I finally give up saying okay your right and he says "I know I am." I couldn't help it I said "well I'm glad one of us is." Mind you this wasn't about being right or wrong, I jsut wanted a little support, just a smidge, and got nothing.
At some point you need to learn to take responsibility for your screw ups and not keep placing them at everyone else's feet.
Doesn't matter what your landlords do. If you are supposed to do something do it. If you don't want to do extra because they don't notice, don't. But don't be expected to be let off the hook because you do.
Could be your SO doesn't like this behavior. Could be he is still just an ass and you are still beating your head against a wall. You decide.
I stopped a long time ago stating that all he does it judge me by my actions when I was cheating. That nothing else I did comes into account. I stopped that when I found this site back in September, I didn't register until October. I think I did that tonight though I am not positive. We had a fight that at some point had me asking him if I can believe that eventually I will earn back the chance to be treated like I matter again. Told him I will go through anything he throws at me if I get the chance to earn back the affection and intimacy. I told him I felt like I was throwing all I had into this and was coming up against a wall. That I was working on me and I wanted us to work together too. I didn't want and was not asking for a time frame for his healing, just a chance to know that at some point he may be able to open to me again.
It started because I had to give my dog her medication. I fed her while SO was on the phone. I had her insulin ready and turned the light on. This is a 2 person job as she squirms and I have hurt her trying to do it solo. So one of us holds her, the other person does the injection. He got off the phone and asked if the light has to be on. I told him she needed her injection, he responds "fine, what do you want me to do?" This statement would not be an issue if it wasn't said with anger. I handed her to him and gave her the injection. Turned the light off and said if helping bothered him I'd find a way to do it by myself. He asked what my problem was I told him he sounded pissed off when I asked for help and thus me saying I'd figure out how to do it solo. This starts a talk. I told him that he woke up and had a conversation with his BFF laughing and joking but when I asked for help giving the dog her injection he sounded pissed that I was keeping him from sleep. I also said that he knows how to have a conversation with his BFF but can't talk to me. This turns into a full scale 2 hour long talk/argument/discussion. We get out that he never wants to talk about the A again ever. If he triggers he will deal with it, if he's angry he can deal with that too because I asked him to stop talking about the A. I was shocked, when did I do that? He said I asked him to stop throwing it in my face when we fought. I told him the truth, you did, every fight even the ones not dealing with the A, especially the ones dealing with your A you would bring my actions into play. I asked you to stop throwing it in my face in arguments where it had nothing to do with why we were arguing, I never asked you to stop talking about the A, you told me to stop talking about it. The last fight we had you told me to NEVER bring it up again because you were done with it. He then said well yea what good comes from rehashing something. I told him we don't have to rehash what was already discussed but if something triggers you or you need to vent or ask a question you can. I was told he would deal with it on his own, why would he want comfort from a trigger from me. I told him the person who gives me the most reassurance when I get anxiety about his actions is him. He told me that was crazy.
He wants to know nothing about my life, I can tell him if I want but he doesn't want to know and chances are he won't say anything because it doesn't pertain to him. My family, my friends, my education, my job, my sex life outside the house (yes he said this) have nothing to do with him, they are my business and he doesn't need or want to know about them. It goes both way. I tried following the logic but was told I wasn't being logical. I told him when I moved out we went on dates, if he needed me I would be there but the opposite was never true, he would never have come to where I was living. I got told chivalry was not something I could expect. I asked why, and told him not to be dense but I am making no assumptions. I got told if i didn't know then he couldn't explain it. So I said is it because I cheated, because I looked through your e-mail and phone when you were being dishonest (he doesn't see it as cheating and for the sake of the conversation progressing I did not call it cheating), or both. He told me both. I said okay, and the lack of intimacy, affection or interest in my life stems from the same thing? He said that's what life is now. That's when I asked him if I had a chance to earn any of it back or if it would always be like this between us. He said he can't say because he knows now how you feel for someone is not set in stone.
So I asked an honest question. Taking everything into account, the fact that you want to know nothing about my life, you do not want to share anything about your life, the fact that we have no affection or intimacy and you do not see yourself wanting any again, what exactly is it that you love about me or us? I was told he was not going to stroke my ego by telling me a list of things he loved. I told him I am not looking for ego stroking, I am simply trying to figure out why he still wants this or me if we share nothing and our lives are lived separately without involving the other person. I don't want us inserted into every aspect of each other's lives. I do want us to be able to share our experiences with each other and appreciate the things that makes the other person who they are. I asked if he knew I loved him. He said yes. I asked if it was more then just me saying the words, he said yes, it's you bringing up talks like this and your actions show me. I told him all I get from you are words, no action, no nothing to back up what you say. How do you love someone when you feel like you no longer know them? I got told that he loves me because he comes home at night. That floored me. So I said so you can do whatever you want in the street but as long as you come home at night you love the person. He said yes why else would you come home. I told him what about the people who have no other options, the ones who are just use to the routine, love is not simply coming home at night. He said those people loved themselves then but for him it rang true as he said it, love was coming home at night. He was smiling when he said this. I asked not to be redundant but are you serious? I got told yes. I told him he was right I regretted going forward with this convo (something he's said earlier) and that he could go to sleep. He said oh thank you for the permission to sleep, I'm going to set an alarm to wake up while your sleeping and wake you up and waste 2 hours of your life. About 2 minutes later he was sleeping.
I apologize for the length again. I relayed the major points I could remember as a lot was said. If you see more justification please tell me, I truly am trying to fix that aspect as it is something I do not like about my personality. Thank you again if you got through it all and for any advice forthcoming.
Edited for spacing
[This message edited by Unagie at 2:50 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)]