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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reaching out
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't posted much on here but I have read A LOT. My journey is a long one and someday I'll probably type it all out for my profile but I don't have the energy for that and I don't think it matters anymore.

Short version so you know the basics: stbxwh and I grew up together. Have always loved him, turns out he never really cared and I was just there for ego boosting and image boosting. He cheated on me from day 1 (obviously I had no clue) After dday I clung on for very long, was difficult for me to accept who he really was. Tried several reconciliation attempts but lies would continue to surface and I was doing all the work. Didn't want to believe we can't make it work even after deciding to divorce (I honestly though we'd still reconciliate...) but I have been pushed far enough. Lied to too much and treated badly enough that I finally opened my eyes, realized my co-dependency and started doing something about it. He was diagnosed as a NPD and SA. He is getting therapy (and had an awful childhood which explains his issues) and that is why I kept clinging on but I just had to realize he is still only following his own selfish agendas and that his childhood doesn't excuse his actions against me.

We have a son that I have done my best to protect. I really didn't want him to come from a broken home so I think it's also part of why I clung on so long until one day realizing my WH doesn't care about our son like normal people do and he'll end up doinb more damage than good. He enjoys the attention he gets from my son but he's not capable of the pure emotions of caring for someone else. My son is my everything! I feel immensely guilty that I didn't remove him from this situation sooner and the effects of his dad. I am getting sole custody in the divorce and sbxwh has visitation only under supervision from me or someone I appoint. I know it's important that my son knows his dad so I won't stay in the way of that but I'm going to do it as safely as I can and protect him as much as I can.

Currently we are still doing the hellish in-house separation thing but will both be moving in August. My son and I'll be moving a 14 hour drive away from him. (His biggest concern about that was who is going to do his laundry over weekends... )

The divorce is progressing SLOWLY. I thought it would've been done by now but will hopefully get a court date soon.

Reason for posting: I believe I'm going to need some BTDT support and advice with my NB. Part of me is super excited, another part petrified of failure. Mostly of failing my son as a single parent. He deserves the very best. Everything is scary but I'm facing it. I'm moving far away and although I have one family member in the city I'm going to. I know no one else there. It's truly a new beginning in a new place. My psychologist is liaising with a psychologist there so I will be seeing someone still. I think it is important. My family is helping me out financially for a year (along with the custody money) so my son and I will manage. I am incredibly fortunate to have the family I do. I've been a SAHM and they are helping me by giving me this year sabbatical before I have to re-enter the (petrifying) work force. So I have a year to figure everything out, a year to heal and gain self worth, a year to just be with my young son and a year to get my shit together. I am petrified of failing but so hopeful of a new start.

I think I'll need help however from you wise BTDT folk. I already decided I will not date for at least the sabbatical year (most likely longer, honestly can't see myself in a relationship again) but I am afraid I will fall for someone due to loneliness or something. One area that is admittedly difficult is being on the bus (I see that is what you call it here), I've been on the bus since dday and it sucks. I miss sex but it is the least of my worries.

Don't really know what else to say. Just need to reach out somewhere I guess. My self worth is non-existent currently and I go through periods of optimism and strong resolve and pessimism and debilitating fear. I am however never going back to stbxwh and finally have my eyes open and know it's best to get away, which I think is a big step. Just never saw my life coming to this. Guess no one does.

Feel free to ask questions. Please give advice and hope this all makes sense. Sorry for the long post. Guess I had more to say than I thought.

[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 5:33 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)]


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 242 | Registered: Oct 2012
seekingright2013
♀ Member
Member # 37991
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats! Sounds like an awesome NB.

I'm curious what you'll be doing to re-start your old career / begin new career. It's wonderful that you have your family's support for this transition.

Is it too nosy to ask what city you are moving to??


BSO, 53
exWSO, who cares
DD: 11/18/12
DD2: 11/21/12
Kicked him to the curb 11/21/12
“I tramp a perpetual journey.”
― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Red State SE US
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You'll find lots of us here that have walked/are walking the same journey.

I've just posted these quotes in another thread - these first steps are the scariest, I promise the unknown won't always be this scary nor this unknown.

You've so got this hun. Once upon a time both the sad clown and I underestimated me. I'm happy to say he is the only one underestimating me now.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
- Anaïs Nin

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself.”
- Paulo Coelho

"Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve."
- Unnkown


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5440 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BD,

Hello and welcome to your New Beginning. It sounds like you have a plan in place-good for you.

For what it's worth- you may want to check out the I Can Relate forum - NPD thread There is a lot of information on there about dealing with and moving on from the NPD spouse.

Good luck and I look forward to reading more about your NB.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4855 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
macakipa
♀ Member
Member # 33735
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'll need help however from you wise BTDT folk. I already decided I will not date for at least the sabbatical year (most likely longer, honestly can't see myself in a relationship again) but I am afraid I will fall for someone due to loneliness or something. One area that is admittedly difficult is being on the bus (I see that is what you call it here), I've been on the bus since dday and it sucks...

I could have posted this myself! Hang in there BrokenDaisy...I am right here with you!!!


M -25 years, T - 31 years, 4 children
Dday October 8, 2011 - Multiple PAs and ONs
Divorced 1-8-13
"When you give a lot of importance to someone in your life, you lose your importance in their life."

Posts: 952 | Registered: Oct 2011
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too am a single mama (four bananas, three at home) and I have no family nearby (and really, almost no family, period) and I make it work. You will, too.

It is scary! But a lot of wonderful will come from all of this. I can promise you that.

That's great you have a year to help sort stuff out and that your family has your back. Staying in iC will help. SI will help, too. And so will the network of friends (and eventually collegues) that you'll develop.

Expect ups and downs but you got this.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15362 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the replies everyone. I really appreciate the support.

Seekingright: career wise I have absolutely no idea yet. It's one of the things I am hoping to figure out and gain some confidence with. It's the area that causes me the most anxiety. How am I going to financially support my son for the rest of his life?!? My therapist feels strongly once I have build some self esteem back up that it won't seem so daunting or impossibly difficult as it currently does for me. As for where I'm moving to I'm a bit paranoid to share too much personal details. I'm not American though. Sorry I really don't want people in my life to read about my inner most insecurities. I've been putting on a strong front. It's part of why I'm moving so I don't continue to feel responsible for the emotional fallout of others due to my situation. I need somewhere where I can focus on my own growth and not worry about everyone else.

StrongButBroken: I know I am doing what is best for my son and I but as you said the unknown is scary. I don't want to mess up. Great quotes!

Kajem: Thank you! A lot of my lurking has been in the NPD thread. It is what reminds me that my stbxwh won't change and if he does it's just another persona or trick or for selfish reasons and not for what is best for our son or me. It was very hard for me but the reality of his diagnosis have firmly taken root. I have accepted who he is. In house separation is hard on ones resolve but I have been doing well under circumstances but I will really be happy when I finally don't have the daily mind games to deal with.

Macakipa: sad you know what I am talking about but glad I am not alone. That's why I want to post more. There's some awesome people here who offer so much wisdom and support and who knows what it feels like living this type of reality.

Wildbananas: thank you. You're an inspiration! You're right, I am incredibly fortunate to have my family. it has been hard accepting their help and I feel like such a burden and failure but I have also come to realize I need help and it's not weak to accept help from loved ones. I don't need to do it all on my own when I have people who truly want to help me. Someday I'll make it up to them. I hope I can live up to the person they believe I am. I also hope I manage to make some friends and build a community for my son and I and figure out our futures. Being a mom is what has saved me and the one thing that still brings me so much joy! We went through a lot to conceive him (infertility treatments) and I'm thankful I have him. I just really want to be the type of parent he deserves so he reminds me every day what I am fighting for and gives me the strength to face things and make the best of them. I will do this because I have to. I'm determined to not let this define the rest of my life!


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 242 | Registered: Oct 2012
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been through what you're about to go through. And my life has gotten better along the way.

I was worried about raising my 2 sons on my own. It helped when a SI member pointed out to me that I've already been raising them on my own. XH didn't contribute much, especially not when he was involved with OW. I got help from my parents. They purchased a condo for me that I can afford the money payment. Before I was working, my mom helped me out with groceries, things around the house, clothes, etc. I started working about 6 months after I moved into my own place. I was a SAHM who went to school. I got lucky when a friend offered me a job at his workplace. Even though it's not my dream job or even a career, I jumped at the chance because I need to support my family.

How old is your son? Mine are 5 and 7. We moved out of the home a little over 2 years ago. However, the A started before DS5 was born, so he doesn't even remember me and XH being together. At times it's been rough, especially trying to maintain their relationship with their dad. What's the plan for your son and his dad? Have you figured out how you're going to do supervised visits? Do you think your STBX will want to spend time with your son?

One step at a time, you'll get through this.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4131 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks little turtle. It helps hearing that your life gets better.

I'd jump at any job too. My fear is getting something that pays enough to support us!

I was worried about raising my 2 sons on my own. It helped when a SI member pointed out to me that I've already been raising them on my own. XH didn't contribute much, especially not when he was involved with OW

You're right most of the raising I have done on my own but stbxwh has actually done a lot too. I insisted on it as part of our reconciliation attempts. He does the bedtime story (my attempt at bonding time between father and son), helps when our son has been sleeping badly and I am too exhausted to get up again, looks after him when I go to my psychology sessions, changes diapers etc. He has helped and follows my instructions because when it comes to our son I do not back up.

Granted I have figured out it's not for our son's benefit but his own. He uses it to feel better and show people he's a good dad and not the bad guy. (He gave myself and my son a curable STD. We're both clean now but my son spent his first 3 weeks of life in NICU due to it. I know it could've been much worse but it was bad enough) Basically our son is just used for narcissistic supply. In the beginning I thought it was encouraging and a good sign that he helps out but as I've said with time I saw it was about himself and not our son. He just uses him for his own needs and he used him to manipulate me as well. I refuse for my son to be a pawn.

I also didn't want to deprive my son of a dad so I encouraged a relationship between them but supervised well and gave a lot of advice and directions. It was exhausting work but I felt it was important. It took some time before I realized that his relationship with our son is not my job, it is his. He is good with acting the part but not with the honest feelings behind the actions. I have had a lot of guilt in this department but as my therapist says (and i read it a lot on here too) I did not break our family apart, the decisions of my stbxwh did. It's still hard when he seems so sincere that he wants to be better but his continued lies have shown it is not true. He only steps up enough to make me back off or actually who knows what all his reasoning is. All I know he doesn't do it for the best interest of myself and my son but only for his own. He is only motivated by his own needs. It is difficult to explain maybe those with NPD WH would understand. All I know for certain it would've been a complete different story if I didn't find out about the affair just before our son was born. He wouldn't have done anything (even he admits it) for our son. I would've not protected our son so well because I wouldn't have known any better. Even now that I do he still takes out his frustrations on my son and I and expect way too much from our son. I know no parent is perfect but what I do think is important is where your motivation comes from, it needs to be the best interest of your child. It is also clear that he is very excited to be "free of the burdens (of my son and I)" soon.

Sorry I'm rambling. Guess you touched a nerve. This has been the hardest part for me. I feel guilt for taking my son away from his father. It comes from my own dysfunctional relationship with my own father (which I've realized after lots of therapy and insights is also a narcissist) and my constant need to have a relationship with him. I always wanted a better father-child relationship for my children than I have had. Oops there I go on rambling. Stopping now.

How old is your son? Mine are 5 and 7. We moved out of the home a little over 2 years ago. However, the A started before DS5 was born, so he doesn't even remember me and XH being together. At times it's been rough, especially trying to maintain their relationship with their dad. What's the plan for your son and his dad? Have you figured out how you're going to do supervised visits? Do you think your STBX will want to spend time with your son?

He is still very young. Just under a year and half old.

My stbxwh had affairs throughout our fertility treatments as well as through my pregnancy. Dday was in my final trimester. It was awful and I still can't believe the danger he put our son in after all we went through to conceive him.

As I've said above I think it's important that my son knows his dad. However I won't do the work for my stbxwh anymore I will give the opportunity for him to put the effort in and see our son. I'm okay with supervising. Having been stuck in the same house since dday has made me stronger and I'm okay with seeing him. I've built up a resistance. I know how important NC is but protecting my son and supervising is more important for me so I will be there when they visit. I will not be comfortable otherwise. Visitation states that he can see our son 4 hours every week but he says he'll come through once a month over a weekend and spend a weekend with him. I'll tolerate it for our son's sake.

Good question, I don't think he really wants to spend time with our son out of caring for him. He feels obligated and as I've said he uses our son as a source of narcissistic supply. I guess it remains to be seen if he'll want to continue to see him. I suspect if he has fun in his new life he'll be okay with not seeing our son but if he has set backs or feels down he'll be very adamant about visitations in order to get his narcissistic supply. He'll also use the "don't see my son" sympathy card as much as he can for attention. Am I making sense?

One step at a time, you'll get through this.

Thank you. That's my daily mantra. In some areas I have come very far. Other areas still needs lots of work. Step by step I am growing and becoming stronger.

ETA sorry for the long winded replies. I guess there's a lot bubbling in me that I want to get out.

[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 3:49 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 242 | Registered: Oct 2012
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I picked up my two kids and moved to a new city, 1.5 hours from anyone I knew. I had one college friend...who doesn't have children and isn't help.

It has been 2 years now, I have a brand new life, new friends and in and out of the dating arena. Still building my self-worth, but totally getting there. Ex is also NPD.

I also negotiated going back to school as part of the separation agreement, I am almost complete, about a year left.

I took everything one step at a time. First was finding a great school for the kids, then a house in the school district. That took several months. Found new friends for both kids and myself and built a support network. Then decided on career moves, and negotiated with ex to return to school.

I didn't date at all the first year of separation. I started when my IC gave me the "all clear" to try, and I've been in and out since then.

You can do it, just take it one step at a time!


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4033 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
BrokenDaisy
♀ Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 3:45 AM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the success story and encouragement cmego!

Thankfully I don't have to worry about schools for my son yet. My priorities will be helping my son adjust to the change, self growth (a.k.a gain some self-worth back!) and making friends and building a life.

I still need to figure out how to make friends. I lost my friends throughout my marriage, my wh didn't like my friends so I slowly lost touch with them and all our mutual friends have turned out to be his friends (some knew about the affairs, most are cheaters themselves and the rest feels what he did wasn't such a big deal) I realized I've been surrounded by assholes and I need new friends and people in my life. People that will give me hope that there are still decent human beings. A real friendship. I'm very shy however and having a little one still so dependent on me also makes my social options limited but I'll figure it out one step at a time.


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Divorced!!

Posts: 242 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 11

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