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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How do you know they are really sorry?
CATransplant
♀ Member
Member # 39567
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been 11 days since I have found out about the OW. They had only been together about a month. My H says he is sorry and wants to "fix things". I am not sure just how you fix distrust, devastation, or the complete shattering of my life and the values I thought we both had. I am not sure that I want to pick up the pieces and try again, it hurts to bad. I still don't eat or sleep like I should. We look at each other as strangers and both of us walk around like we are walking on eggs. I look for signs. Signs that he cares. Signes of his sorrow for the loss of our marriage. I don't see any of these. I only see someone trying very hard to act like a little boy trying to make me smile. Boy I hate that. I want to talk to a man not a child. He had no problem telling her how he felt and using all the words I had longed to hear for sometime now. But now I watch. Maybe what I am asking for or need is not possible. Maybe I am seeing the sign right in front of me, but it isn't the one I wanted. I am still very numb from evrything and really don't have my feet under me yet. My mind still wanders to that place of nothingness where it lingers for hours, lost in trying to understand how something so good could go so wrong so fast. Does he love me, I don't know, but I know that it will take more than six years this time for me to know for sure. It is his move and I know he doesn't have a clue how to start. Neither do I. Any ideas?


Me BS
H FWS
M 3/27/12 together since 06'
A EA/PA 4/19/13/5/26/13
DD 6/12/13
Forced NC 6/13/13
MOW coworker-caught,TT for six months.

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
canteat
♀ Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am new here too so i don't have much advice to give on how to proceed. but know that i share your pain, i feel the same as you. lost and hurting. unsure of what is real. I see an IC and one of the things she recommended was to have a list of deal breakers. things that he MUST do and if he can't or won't you will not tolerate it and move on. Thinking about that also forced me to think about what kind of marriage i want to be in. what kind of man i want to be with. now if my H can be that man and our marriage can be want i want is yet to be determined. but it gave me a place to start from and a direction to go. If he can do the things i need then in little ways he will prove that he values me and our M and that is what i need to know at this point. This is gonna be a long hard road, with baby steps and backslides. but you have to have a clear understanding of the goal or there is no way you can get there. "just wanna be happy" what does that MEAN?? spell it out. you will also start to see the things that you will need to work on for yourself (with or without WS) to be whole again. like i said i am just beginning this journey and only have moments of clarity and sanity. I happen to be in one of those now so was able to respond to you. I feel your pain, as many others here do. i suggest IC for you MC if you wanna work things out.

oh i forgot-you need to share these things with your WS. he can't give you what you need if he doesn't know what it is. that is where a good MC would help i suppose. we haven't gone to see one yet. but that is one of my deal breakers. (he is out of town and we are waiting until his return to have THE TALK)

[This message edited by canteat at 4:21 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Shocked  Posted: 4:30 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ladies

So sorry for the despair and loss that you both are feeling. We understand, believe me we do.

First - you both are so very new to this news. It is way too much to absorb. I am 1.5 years out of DDay and I still struggle at times.

Remorse and regret are two very different things. Remorse, true remorse is needed for any chance of reconciliation.

The WS many times looks to the BS to help them heal because of all the guilt and shame they feel (and they should feel both).

They are unsure how to proceed so they look to the BS for direction. It sucks and it's stupid but it's true.

They were/are broken when they chose to cheat. Now they have to fix themselves, the marriage and the BS...whoa...too much.

Usually the BS is the stronger one in the relationship so we are left to navigate the waters. It is not fair but I find that most of the time it is reality.

Define your boundaries. Convey what you need today. This might change tomorrow and his job is to be there as you ride the roller coaster of emotional hell he's put you on.

2.5-5 years on average to recover. There is nothing in 11 days that he can do to make this right. Nothing.

But he can show remorse, apologize for hurting you and do whatever it is YOU need to feel safe.

IC for you is highly recommended. You have a lot to wrap your head around and you need to figure out what YOU want.

Unclear on your reference to six years?

I don't doubt he loves you but he loved himself and his selfish needs more. Ask him what will change that going forward?

I would recommend IC for awhile for both you and WS separate before MC. He needs to figure out why he chose to cheat and work on dealing with his own issues before you really can address the issues of the marriage. It will all be about the affair at this point and understandably so.

Good luck to you both. We are here and we care. Stay strong.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:34 PM, June 23rd (Sunday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1204 | Registered: Apr 2013
PrincessPeach06
♀ Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well it's been a little over a month and my H immediately ceased contact, gave up his email accounts, phone, Facebook page, called the MC and gives me 1000% support. He apologizes constantly, lets me vent and cry and cries with me and answers every question I have honestly and without getting upset or angry.

Those are the things I am seeing and I truly believe he is sorry and remorseful.


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS

Please go to the Healing Library and read, read, read. See up left hand corner box.

Knowledge is power.

(((Hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1204 | Registered: Apr 2013
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i have to agree with what was just posted. please go to the healing library and read about regret vs remore and what is really needed to heal.

most WS are "really sorry" when they get caught. the real evidence of them being sorry is in their actions over a long period of time. if there is something they are not doing in the HL, it is a red flag that something is not right. remember that.

my husband was sorry too...and i thought he was doing "all he could" to save the m after dday. i overlooked (out of fear) him not wanting to give me access to his phone. 9 months later i learned we were in false r. he was still cheating.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 988 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i have to agree with what was just posted. please go to the healing library and read about regret vs remore and what is really needed to heal.

most WS are "really sorry" when they get caught. the real evidence of them being sorry is in their actions over a long period of time. if there is something they are not doing in the HL, it is a red flag that something is not right. remember that.

my husband was sorry too...and i thought he was doing "all he could" to save the m after dday. i overlooked (out of fear) him not wanting to give me access to his phone. 9 months later i learned we were in false r. he was still cheating.

a wise SIer told me that i will know my husband is remorseful if he "moves heaven and earth" to make things right...no matter what.

anything less is just BS. i learned this the hard way.

take care of yourself..and keep telling yourself that you deserve better and deserve for your spouse to move heaven and earth to keep you.

remember your worth and value...it is so hard to lose it in the early stages when we are so desparate to hold on.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 988 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the others, do lots of reading. It is so new and raw right now, too early to make any major decisions or expect things to just get better all of a sudden. You are pretty much still in shock and trying to process what has happened to you.

It has been four years since my D-Day, we tried to R but it didn't work. You know what, he was sorry for the A, of that I have no doubt. He did all that was required, NC, transparency..etc. But he didn't work on the issues that caused the A in the first place. So IC is such a necessity in my opinion.

Take care of yourselves, decide what it is you need if your marriage is to continue, seek legal advice, do what you need to procect yourself.

We have all been in your situation and offer all the support we can for you.


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely seek legal protection..In the early weeks after D day my gut screamed that my WH was anything but remorseful..

I stated that one of my requirements for R was for us to execute a post nup agreement that would protect me should WH cheat again or I discover the A had been taken underground...

WH had/has no savings/assets/pension to offer me in the case of no fault D, and I have been the breadwinner..

At the time I posed this question to WH and stated that post nup was one of my requirements my WH's response was "No way I'm gonna do this!" Are you crazy !?"

Since that time I knew there was no hope of R, WH's attitude has been one of selfishness and disrespect.. I have been doing 180, and I have been slowly getting my ducks in a row...I don't know if I will be able to D his remorseless A%$ anytime soon or if it is smarter to pray that Karma kicks him physically in a mortal way..I know I need to get out of the house into a place of my own sooner rather than later ..If you read my backstory and follow my posts you will have a shining example of WH that is un remorseful in thought and deed..
Please take care! I wish you clarity and strength..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:04 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1254 | Registered: Nov 2011
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think they are all sorry, and want to fix things, but that is part of their character problem.

What they want to fix, and why they are sorry or what they are sorry about is where it gets tricky and messy.

What you want to see, need to see in order to have a healthy reconciliation, is true remorse.

That is a different animal altogether.

When it hit my wife, it was like a devastating avalanche...it made all the "sorry" look like nothing, and it came on about 5+ months into counseling. She didnt even tell the truth for another month, but you could see, hear, and feel the change.

In retrospect, I realized that was when true remorse really hit, because she finally got to the point where she understood what she had really done to me.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1012 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 10

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