I told my lawyer and he actually named a muppet that he resembled. Then told me off afterwards for making him stifle laughter when he looked at him.
I was shocked at how ugly he looks. Aesthetically I mean. His skin looks shit and he is skinny-fat now. Like Mr Burns with a beer gut.
I cannot believe I ever got naked with him. Ugh - pass the brain bleach please.
[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 1:31 AM, June 24th (Monday)]
Part of my attempt to heal is an effort to pretend Perv is dead, so I don't know if subconsciously it's what I'm thinking if he slinks around or just automatic.
The little I've been able to delve into it with myself is that I felt severe and utter embarrassment about what he did -I consider the A very against myself and my core values and I have embarrassment that he would behave in such a way towards me and also I'm embarrassed for him to see me...at all now.
Looking into someone's eyes is like looking into their soul, for me, and my feeling is that he sold his when he began the A and is OOMD-Out Of Marriage Dating. So another part is that I don't want to see what might be there.
Last year, prior to DDay, his eyes were very, very hard like stones and his voice full of anger, so much so that he was unrecognizable as the person I knew for 20 years.
Yes, he is very, very large now and even his face is bloated. But like Strong said, it helps to not feel attracted to him anymore. I still feel a mourning and sense of loss, but it's for the person he killed inside himself, not this current one.
I find during mediation that I can't face him either and tend to focus more on the lawyers. I told him this though, when it started. On Easter I had a panic attack when he appeared and that was how it started.
I also don't want to hear his voice, the voice that comforted me in what used to be dark times.
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge
He could have something new on his face or body, like a scar or tattoo, and I wouldn't know it now.
Same here.. I never look at him. Even at mediation, I never looked at his face. That's weird that he could have a face tattoo and I wouldn't know it, but that's the truth..
I cannot look at him because he physically makes me ill. The couple of times I did look at him, all I saw was an unattractive, fat, balding pitiful human being. I don't know this person anymore, so why engage him with eye contact? He's all yours, OW. Enjoy!
When he goes out with the kids, he's pretty intrusive--he'll merrily comes into my bedroom to talk, etc.
And I just couldn't begin to tell you whether he looks healthy-ish, or ill, or whatever. I just don't pay attention. I usher him out.
Just a couple of weeks ago I noticed how I don't look at him or say a word unless he says something directly to me in question form. I was worried that for some bad reason I *couldn't* look at him rather than just not wanting to so the last couple of drop off/pick ups I made the conscience effort of looking him in the eye and saying ONE kid-related thing.
And then I realized WHY I don't look at him.... His face. I used to look at and love that face not because it was the best looking face, but because it was the face of the man I loved, my husband, the father of my children, a good guy. Now.. all I see is the face of a man who does HORRIBLE things to those who love him and who he is supposed to love. The face of a man who does that with absolutely no real remorse or empathy for the pain he caused. There is nothing pleasant about it anymore.
Plus he always looks tired and sickly and that isn't my problem anymore so why look at something that is no longer my concern? I don't talk to him because I have nothing to talk about and I felt silly trying to come up with something to say. If I need to say something I prefer not to have to see his face or hear his voice so I text. He usually calls in response rather than texting back but that is probably because I didn't do shit to him. He had to make up stuff to justify his anger and ill-will. Me...not so much. I have to consciously stop thinking about what he has done just to keep the feeling of absolute hate away.
This thread and the last couple of weeks of forced eye-contact has helped me come to the conclusion that it's OK to not want to look at him and not acknowledge him when I don't want or need to. I'm going to continue to put all of my focus on the kids during exchanges.
By mistake I looked up one day thinking he had moved and I noticed that his appearance is changing again. His life is extremely busy and he has added more traveling and doesn't take care of himself and it is showing.
It was interesting to hear during the school year, from neighbors and school parents, about the changes in his appearance and compliments in my hold up.
I'm glad this is common, too.
One of my feelings is embarassement for myself, from all his judging and lying about me that he does continuously to other people.
I also wear sunglasses most of the time because I have this very, very bad habit of rolling my eyes at utter stupidity. Pretty sure I'd have to go in to have my eyeballs popped back into their sockets, I'd roll them right out of my head looking on his stupid moronic ass self.
But, wow, if he moves, whatever structural balance he has goes bye-bye. Like most psychopaths, he's twitchy and manifests a lot of physical tics: constantly rolling his shoulder or wrist, rocking back on forth on his heels. And his expressions are so over the top contrived and theatrical that I can't ever get passed analyzing the "Oh, that's his 'sad' face" or "Crap, that's his 'happy' face."
It's gross. When I do have to look at him, I'm always stunned at how flat his eyes are.