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User Topic: Whom do you judge more harshly, the WS or the OP?
solus sto
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Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8844 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
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Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The short answer: the WS

The long answer:

The way I see it, the OM (plural) didnít owe me a damn thing and I sure as hell donít owe them a damn thing either. Not sure I can say they owed it society to be a decent human being either but when they sacrifice that they shouldnít expect decency in return.

My wife on the other hand owed me fidelity and honesty, both of which were too great a sacrifice for her in place of partying and sexual pleasures. Unfortunately since d-day I really donít feel like I owe her either but I do owe it to myself to be honest and faithful. Unfortunately as well, I do not even want to give it to her as a gift which really says a lot about where my heart is in R (or where it is not in R).

I may not be all the way through this journey, but I feel pretty safe in saying that it is for your own good to detach as much as possible from the OP. As much as we might hate them, its just not healthy to spend any time exacting or wishing revenge. As far as I am concerned, they can win the lottery or they can drop dead and I really donít care because I absolutely refuse to let them be part of my life. They were certainly part of my wifeís life, but not mine.

[This message edited by joeboo at 9:15 PM, June 24th (Monday)]

Posts: 1211 | Registered: Feb 2011
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Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like this question.

I blame my xWW 100%.

Her boss was her AP. He abused his power in many ways and used a host of manipulative tactics to win her admiration and finally her affection. The result was not a ONS, but lo and behold, love. It was a beautiful love, you know, the kind that makes a mother abandon her husband, two year old son and five year old daughter. Amen.

Although her AP is not on my Christmas list, and I see him as a broken person, I don't blame him. A lot,of guys will go a long way to try and get laid. There's no news there.

I blame my XWW 100%. She had everything that is important in life and consciously chose to betray and hurt and leave it for an imaginary something, which is slowly exposing itself for what it truly is, which is nothing.

Away from your question a bit, but if you will indulge me, every night,, as I put my two young children to bed, I am thankful for what I have. I have my honor, my self respect and my children. She has none of those. True enough, I no longer have my I guess I have yet another thing to be thankful for.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 9:34 PM, June 24th (Monday)]

Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 954 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
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Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At this point, I really only have one concern. I don't care what my WW does or who she does it with. Okay, I do care, but I'm moving towards not caring.

I only care about one thing. I do not want this man (if you can call him that) around my daughter. Problem is that with joint custody, I don't think I have a say in the matter. This is the thing that keeps me awake at night. I have to hope to God that I'm right about him not having any redeeming qualities and that he won't be interested in anything long-term. Or maybe I should hope that he'll come to his senses and realize that maybe trusting the commitment of a woman who cheated on her husband isn't the best idea.

I can learn to accept almost any outcome at this point, no matter how messed up or painful, but this is one outcome that I cannot accept.

ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
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Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hold my H responsible. He willingly chose to do this. The big difference is I have forgiven him and I love him.
As for her she never apologized, she never went out of her way to show that she was truly remorseful in her actions.
He has continued to work hard on himself and our M. Tonight there was a pretty emotional breakdown, he just burst in tears after hearing that a friend's wife is gravely ill in hospital and it stirred up so many emotions of what he's done to me.
I think us BS that have remorseful WS,we live with them, we see their actions... I don't see MOW, I don't know or care at this point if she is working on herself so she won't repeat the hurt she's inflicted on so many people.

[This message edited by Offhispedestal at 12:42 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

Married 24

2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R

Posts: 639 | Registered: Jun 2011
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Default  Posted: 4:32 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


If the OP didn't know the WS was married, I don't blame them at all.

If the OP knew the WS was married, then both get to wear the "I'm an asshole" hat. Afterall, if no one would volunteer to be married people's side piece, then the married folks would have to find some other way to manifest their dysfunction.

If the OP knew and was dismissed by the WS but kept coming back, harassed the BS...then the OP. Have they no shame? Only a parasite still hangs around trying to suck all the joy from the air where they aren't wanted.

And if the OP knew the BS personally? Def. the OP. There is a special reserved section in hell for people who would do shit like that. Backstabbing sounds way to mild.

Me - BW
Him - WH
Divorced - 7/2013

Posts: 826 | Registered: Dec 2005
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Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I blame him for putting everything we built over 30+ years at risk. I blame the MOW for trying to reconnect for months afterwards.

At least he's been remorseful. She's still a pathetic whore.

BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1046 | Registered: Mar 2012
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Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I guess I'm the lone dissenter.

Of course I do blame FWH, but I blame the whore more. She was 'in the business' and it was her 'job' to take advantage of old fools that she thought had money and would 'take care of' her.

She knew he was married, and I believe that she was of those sociopathic whores that got off on watching for the look in his eyes when he realized he had just sold his soul to the devil.

And, of course, having unprotected sex while carrying an STD, transmitting it to him, and then him to me, was certainly the 'icing on the cake'.

I hope she burns in hell.

me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1:
Episode 2:

Posts: 7099 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
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Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fWW for sure.
She didn't have to have an A, but chose to.
The grass was so much greener with the OP, until she realized that all he wanted was sex. He had no intension of leaving his BW and kids to be with my fWw.

BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife

Posts: 484 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
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Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am with the majority here. I blame FWH. We both made vows to each other, he chose to break them. I had plenty of opportunities to cheat and lie, but that is not me and I put my marriage first.

The op is irrlevant, I don't care who she was. He knew what he stood to lose, he chose to do it anyway. She didn't hold a gun to his head and force him to have sex with her.

BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
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Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My sitch was a long distance OEA where an old hs gf sought out my H after 4 decades under the guise of reconnecting with 'friendship'.

I was able to read most if not all of their communications, and I blame her about 80% and him about 20%. She started almost immediately with flattery and flirtation, and he (briefly, foolishly, thinking it was 'safe fun' because he'd never see her in person), responded in kind.

Then she got blatant and started to inquire about ways to sneak behind the backs of me as well as her H. My H finally realized this was trouble and immediately shut down. Shut off his instant msg function and stopped responding to emails. She continued fishing, harder and more desperately, for several months until I got involved and scared her off.

So I mostly blame her for being the instigator and then not taking the hint when my H stopped responding, she just kept getting more creative trying to think of topics/events to capture his attention again. But I blame him for being careless and thoughtless, not realizing that his inppropriate communications could cause me pain and that she might take it all much more seriously. I really hated it that for a brief time she was able to think she was special when she was nothing more than a brief ego boost for a middle age man.

excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 1003 | Registered: Jul 2012
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Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now I judge the OW more harshly. If it would have oozed its cooze back under the rock it oozed out from under, I wouldn't feel as much animosity as I do for it. No, OW has to fish/stalk and harass us for 8 years after the affair is over.

They are both equally to blame (fuck that vows bullshit, they are both equally culpable) for the affair. OW did pursue by FWH hard and for years, but he was a weak asshole who finally gave in when he was at a very low point and feeling angry with me.

However, my FWH is a very remorseful changed person. OW is still the fucking slunty cumdumpster it was and apparently will always be. OW is still going outside its relationship with its live in boyfriend to try and contact my FWH using another man to make the call. So, yeah, I judge OW more harshly.

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
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Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the beginning of the A, WH was 100% responsible because he lied to OW, telling her we were not together anymore

But once I filled her in on EVERYTHING, she is just as responsible for continueing to believe his lies

I judge them both in their roles in their affair. And I hope they both get what they deserve. All of our family and friends know that he cheated on me, and want nothing to do with the OW, our kids want nothing to do with OW. DD called OW and sent her a msg on FB, called her a homewrecker, and a whore (and used some more very colourful language to go along with it) told OW that she hates her, called her dad an asshole when she told him off a few weeks ago.

WH has known the entire time and OW obviously is too stupid to see the writing on the wall, using WH for whatever she can get from him

They both deserve whatever they get

Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
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Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

both , he gets it all because i dont know who she is just a name and town.

she knew he was married with kids and she went after him like no tomorrow .

him he knew i loved him and was waiting on him to come home and he instead decided on being a selfish asshole that took the offer



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
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Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I blame all 5 of them - my H and the 4OW.

All 4 OW knew about me/kids. One was considered a family friend (OW#2). One was a BW whose WH left her and 3 kids for his OW (OW#4). The other 2 are inconsequential to me now. ALL of them, in my opinion, have no self-respect or class and cannot hold a candle to me.

My H now readily admits he was an idiot. He convinced himself that he was in a shitty marriage and therefore he had the right to play. He told everyone, not just OW1-4, so many lies about me and our marriage. Apparently I was the evil bitch of the south. In reality, I was an adult and he was a 40yr old child who needed to grow the fuck up.

Having said that, the OW just broke the girl-code. My H broke every vow and promise he ever made to me as my husband. He was supposed to protect our family - not destroy it. All are guilty - but H gets the majority of the blame.

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
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Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK 7 mths on since the speech ILYBNILWY...what a shitty line. In the beginning I blamed OW - my STBXH met her at Graduate school (1 yr intensive programme)- told me her background story - 2 D (12 &13) - hubby had 3 affairs on her, now divorced from him, no money, she has issues...he didn't like her, blah,blah,blah..obviously likes her now since he left to be with her!! OPPS that's right he didn't leave me to be with her, he was going to leave me anyway..(on a side note tells whoever will listen I was going anyway. The affair had nothing to do with it). OK if that was what you were going to do then go, but don't slam the door on the way out. How convenient that he had her lined up

Anyway, I was with him for 26 yrs, 2 children DD 10 & DS 7, when children are involved in the beginning you cling to some hope or try to transfer the blame to OW so u can make it work, well that was my reasoning @ the time. I was with him for so long, I wanted my children to have stability, the nuclear family unit, but now that the rose tinted glasses are off I see him for what he is....a coward, a man with no honour, no integrity, no empathy, very selfish, hugh sense of entitlement & a complete moron. She knew he was married, had young children, had this happen to her 3x's but she didn't care about me or my beautiful children. Why should she? She is just as broken as he is. She left her 12 yr old in Australia, brought the other one to my country to be with my XH. Speaks volumes about the type of people they are. As the saying goes "like attracts like". Let them have one another. So who do I judge more harshly?...him. We were in the relationship. I made a commitment to him. As for her, she is a sad, desperate, pathetic woman who really only cares about herself. OK I hold her accountable for some of this but this predominantly rest with the STBXH. As my sister said..let the 2 fools have each other.

On a positive note, my relationship with my children is going from strength to strength, I am getting out in the big world & living life.

I wish everyone good wishes & cyber hugs.

Posts: 26 | Registered: Apr 2013
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Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife. She was supposed to love and protect me, and to forsake all others, until death do us part. The OM was just a player, a barfly, doing what he does every weekend night. We've never met. I think he's scum, but I've always known that there are at least a thousand like him on the prowl in this town every night. I take it for granted that many of them would happily screw my wife if she let them. I trusted her, not them. She gets the harshest judgment. He isn't worth my time or energy, because guys like him are a dime a dozen. They're interchangeable like oil filters and as common as dollar bills. Not my wife - she's the only one I have out of nearly 4 billion females on this earth. It's not even a close call.

Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children

Posts: 1451 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
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Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Him. He made the choices to have the ONS and the EA. Both of these women are irrelevant because if it wasn't them it could have been someone else. Its his choices and his fault. That's not to say if either one of them was standing in front of me, they wouldn't get it from me but its him.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
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Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband for sure. He's the one I'm married to. She owes me nothing. All I said to the OW was "Even if nothing happened, which I don't believe, but regardless....what kind of woman goes out at 3am with a married man? Especially when that man is your boss and you know his wife is out of town"

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2013
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Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H. Much more so.
He lied to me He lied to her. He fed her enough line to reel her in and she was dumb enough to fall for it.

My WS had both of us hoodwinked. He told her lie after lie, and told me lie after lie.
She had no idea he was still married until one of our mutual friends (who happened to me our first attorney and could no longer represent us after this) pointed out to OW that she knew he and I were working on our M.

OW is single, so she just thought she was dating a guy going through a divorce. Morally, could she have stepped back and waited? Yes.
Could she still have stepped back after she knew he had never actually filed? Yes.
She did at times try to cut him out by blocking him on her phone etc, but she always took him back.
Her morals weren't all that hot, but HE was the LIAR.

I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
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