The pain is... indescribable. Most people can't even comprihend it. But it will dull over time.
Unfortunately, all you can do at this point is go ahead, accept the lack of contact as your new reality, and try to forge a new life for yourself out of the steaming pile of ash he left you sitting in.
Speaking of what he left you, did you get a lawyer and set up your new financial life? You need that.
I'm not telling you to let go and move on. It's much too soon for that. You need to take some quiet time to process what's going on first.
The cruelty with which he treated you, just from these bare few facts you mentioned is heartbreaking. You need to understand the full weight of that.
You need to discover that it's not about you being a bad spouse, or your marriage not being good enough. It's just his crazy and stupid and brokenness that caused it, and there is nothing a person could ever to to prevent or cure these things in another person. Ever.
There is a little box in the top left corner of this page. There you will find the "healing library". click on that. It's got some good information in it.
Welcome to the best club you'll never want to join. Sorry to see you here
For me, relationships are built upon trust. Love is interlinked with respect (mutual respect). When I discovered my X had A's going back 28 years, I had to re-evaluate everything. This man preached honor, integrity, and self-respect - but in truth - he was a hypocrite! I didn't believe him capable of lying - he was a pro at it! And trust...Psst - Gone.
As I unraveled the truth of my M, I came to release I loved a illusion - a mask presented - the real man was a liar, cheat, and deceiver. The real man is broken and though he may have deep issues - he was content to let me suffer brutally and alone when the truth came out. He let me give my all to a marriage that he wasn't ever invested in or faithful too. That man - the real man who made those decisions - I do not know, nor would I ever have loved.
Note: I didn't get to detachment over night. It took a long while to sort through it... and none of that was painless.
((inlove)) As best you can force your head into the game and tell your heart to take a backseat. (Yes, you'll have to do it over and over, but it can help get you off the floor eventually)
[This message edited by Take2 at 6:55 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]
And I agree with the posts who replied.
What I found with the whole thing is that it's a process that has to happen and for me, it created a massive fog in my brain and disconnected parts of my body-my brain took in information but couldn't believe it-my ears heard it and did the same-and my heart continued on, for a long time after, in love with a man I thought I knew...but he had silently been changing over a long period of time and shut down on me, so I never, ever had a clue...until the end was near.
Even though I am learning that this man was emotionally abusive, I am having trouble letting go too. I am struggling with no contact and feeling almost withdrawal symptoms, and cannot figure out why, with all the pain, so you know there are others out there who share your agony, though at times I imagine it feels as if no one has ever felt such depths of despair before.
One thing I did was make a game with myself, in regard to no contact. I set up some kind of small reward system for x amount of time I could go and indulged myself. It was not always money or large amounts of spending, but it has really helped me go longer and longer stretches. The pride also helps.
I suspect that as you make new discoveries and reality sets in, it will be easier to sort out your feelings and realize the enormity of what cheating is and what it does to us. I think you are in a fog like I was and I felt the very same about working, even though everyone I know shoves me at it. I feel horrified to make an error and have it affect anyone.
I wish you well, I wish you peace, and some moments of clarity, both night and day.
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge
He is full of lies and hasn't been honest with me and I can say he hasn't been honest our whole marriage.
He doesn't deserve you honey. You are worth so much more than that. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but being alone is so much better than being manipulated and lied to..
Please try to take care of yourself. If you are having trouble eating, I recommend protein shakes. I like the Special K ones, every flavor. It's hard to think straight when you aren't eating or sleeping, so do your best to take care of the basics. You are experiencing a trauma for sure, so reach out to your doctor if you need some extra help.
Legally, you need to put your heart on the back burner and let your head do the thinking. Please get yourself a lawyer and ensure that you get everything you deserve in the divorce. It's so very hard to think straight with so many emotions running around, so get your ducks in a row and let your lawyer guide you. He will think logically for you when you are having trouble doing it for yourself. You don't want to be taken advantage of by a lying a snake, so get it in your head that he's the enemy now and that you will not bow to his wishes.. Find those bitch boots girl and wear them with pride!
I also highly recommend the healing library and that you post often. There's tons of people here that can relate to what you are going through. Huge hugs to you..