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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How do children protect themselves?
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.cnn.com/2013/06/24/justice/florida-girl-killed/index.html?hpt=hp_t3

As many of you know, I am divorcing a pervert. One of his preferences is young girls. His only friends are other perverts.

I have two young girls.

STBX hangs out with his pervert friends while he has our children for visitation. I cannot do anything about this legally. My children are in direct social contact with perverts, and at times direct physical contact due to the nature of the activities STBX & the other perverts engage in during visitatation (amusement parks where the other men hold my kids while they go on rides). Again, I apparently can do nothing about this legally.

So I'm left wondering what to teach my kids to keep them safe while out & about with STBX (because he has less common sense than a demented gnat). They know all about good touch/bad touch, they know about naked pictures, they know not to ever go to a 2nd location with someone, they know a LOT. I've given them as much safety information as I can think of.

But when I read that CNN article, now I'm wondering what else haven't I thought of? What if stupid STBX sends one or more of my kids off with one of his pervert friends to get sodas or whatever? Is there a way to coach my kids NOT to go off with these perverts for soda?

I dunno. This story has clearly triggered me.

Anyone?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9538 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh man, that story was heartbreaking.. I can't imagine following a stranger to another store, but it's outrageous that guy was even on the streets given his criminal history. He only got a year in the county jail?? I can't believe the laws and punishments aren't heavier for any type of child abuse..

Come to think of it, my ex's dad went to jail for molesting a 5-year-old girl, and he only got 5 years.. That's not nearly enough..

Sorry I don't have any good advice really.. I would say just keep doing what you are doing and talking about safety and continue documenting and raising your concerns legally.. DCF hasn't called me back yet, so I understand your frustration when not even the law is helpful.. I just hate it that our kids are supposed to trust their dad, and their dad is supposed to protect them from harm, and it's just sickening that they are one of the people we are trying to warn our children about..

Lots and lots of hugs to you..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2110 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it's just sickening that they are one of the people we are trying to warn our children about

That's the part that just makes me . My kids are NOT safe with STBX, but the law has to presume that they are until something happens. It bothers me that nothing can be done preventatively.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9538 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, NG, my heart aches for you.

I am so sorry that "the system" fails in so many ways. I hate that HATE that there is no good advice in this situation.

Your post triggers me just a little because I can hear and see my L telling me that my ex could "show up in court with a hooker on each arm, drunk, with a needle hanging from his arm" and he would still be awarded visitation time with my children.

My solution was not to go to court over this. We went to mediation and it was terrifying and awful to be that close to him and to "play" the game of letting him win and be in charge...

BUT the up side here is that there is some damn creative protective language in my parenting agreement. Ex got caught up in the "wins" I gave, and of appearing generous and "good dad" for the audience of the mediator (who was a woman and of a grandmotherly age). I got lucky in this in many ways.

The two things that stick out for me here are to be extremely vigilant and to get him on the defensive with regard to the "habits." If there is child porn on his computer involve law enforcement if possible. If he has probation conditions act on them.

Teach the girls to go everywhere together. I have gone so far as to instruct the boys that they are to protect one another at all costs. They are the only one there for each other when I am not. Sucks but I let them know that those were my expectations. Be there for each other. And they have. In some sucky sucky situations...

The hardest part is making sure the kids continue to talk to you without feeling like they are "getting daddy in trouble." I always redirect it to "keeping them safe" and that grown ups don't need protecting from their own behaviors.

Make sure you have an outlet/confidante who can listen and give you a measure of what is "normal" and "ok" because exposure to the weirdness for so long numbs us and our WTF factor gets miscalibrated.

(((hugs)))


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5776 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The hardest part is making sure the kids continue to talk to you without feeling like they are "getting daddy in trouble."

Yeah, it is so very tough to talk to the children without them feeling like they are "getting daddy in trouble." My kids will tell me stories about things that happen over there, and I have such a tough time telling them how inappropriate I think things were without them starting to defend their dad. They will start to backtrack and try to make it seem not as bad. I HATE that they feel responsible for his actions and like they have to protect him..

And I have the added stress of STBX having the children keep secrets from me. They knew that fucking MOW for over a year and never told me because STBX told them, "Don't tell mom, I'll tell mom. She will be mad if you talk about it." I don't want to interrogate my kids, but there's no damn reason they should have to keep secrets from me!! I drive myself crazy imagining what else he could have done to them and told them to keep a secret from me. Sometimes I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest worrying about it..

Make sure you have an outlet/confidante who can listen and give you a measure of what is "normal" and "ok" because exposure to the weirdness for so long numbs us and our WTF factor gets miscalibrated.

This is oh so true as well. I swear I want to kick myself for allowing so much inappropriateness for so long, lying to myself and telling myself that it must be a boy thing and I should just accept it as a joke and let it go. I really start to question myself and how good of a mother I am that I didn't notice it and get appalled by it before.. My WTF meter was definitely not functioning correctly..

It bothers me that nothing can be done preventatively.

I agree. I'm just going to keep plugging along being the best mother I can be and start trusting my gut better and raising every concern I can to the appropriate people. Honestly, I feel like I would have been a bad mother if I didn't call DCF. And I'm going to keep calling them till someone teaches that FuckTard a lesson..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2110 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
TattoodChinaDoll
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are your children old enough to use a phone? Maybe they should have their own cell phones that your STBX conveniently doesn't know about. That way if they end up, God forbid, with a less than savory character, they will have a phone close to them, I believe I've seen phones that have two buttons...one for a phone number and one that automatically dials 911.

I also think something you can do with them besides talk about the differences between what is appropriate and what is not, is to roll play. Think of it like a fire drill at school. If the real thing should ever occur, they would know what to say, where to go, what to do.


Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 2, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

Posts: 1719 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Topic Posts: 6

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