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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
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Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is completely normal for things to be so silent between your WH and you..
I couldn't even be in the same room with my WH..
I lived with the same threats from my WH regarding our sex life..I got to hear my WH say "If I can't get enough sex at home, I can get it elsewhere"
I don't and never have had hang ups or inhibitions regarding sex..I do have my preferences in what I consider comfortable and fun though..
With that being said, early on in our marriage I felt like sex with WH became a chore..Sex seemed to center around him and his needs..I don't think I have ever experienced a good or fantastic sex life with WH, my gut always told me that there had to be more in it(sex, married life in general) for me than just catering to him, but I didn't listen to my heart or gut for many years..
WH was the only person that I ever had relations with, so I refused to believe that I WASN'T a sensual sexual person just because HE told me so.. In other words I think the problem in our sex life wasn't me having no desire for sex itself, the problem was me having no desire for WH and being in denial about it..
Counseling helped me to think about/ accept what my gut had been telling
Going forward, whether you R or D, I hope you don't put labels on yourself, labels such as being too quiet, too loud, too sexual, not sexual enough,permissive, strict, etc, etc..

All it takes is a good life partner with a positive unselfish attitude, even if that partner is just oneself, to make living feel bit happier and more effortless..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:20 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
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Sad  Posted: 10:48 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, doggiediva. Quite frankly, I don't even know if he is remorseful. We haven't spoken since the initial confrontation except about the house and that he is willing to go to MC. I don't know what to say without becoming a blubbering mess so I just avoid him. I can't even sort my own feelings yet express them to him. He sends emails and texts throughout the day that just say "hi" - his way of initiating contact I guess, but walking on eggshells. He interacts with the kids normally, but I leave the room when he comes in. He's been trying to hang around us, but I can barely look at him right now so I just leave.

As far as a good life partner, if this ends in divorce, I am done. Every man I have had a long term relationship has cheated on me. Literally. One in high school, two in college, one after college (who I thought I was going to marry until he cheated and then I met my husband shortly after), now this. I don't understand and it just hurts so bad. I can never go through this again. Obviously the pain this time is exponential because of the kids and the 13 years we've shared.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
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Shocked  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You are in shock and you are hurt.

You are not in the presence of mind to be anything but silent. Your heart and your head are swimming with too much pain and information.

Give yourself some time to process this and wrap your head around this devastating news.

Remorse and regret are two very different things. He regrets getting caught but he is not showing remorse if he hasn't reached out to you to see if you are okay, what you need, if you want to talk, etc.

The indicator of serious commitment to R is expressions of remorse. Expressions of remorse generally begin with an apology in words, followed by continued expressions in actions. This can be cards, gifts, being more helpful around the house, showing more affection, loving words, and more apologies. Saying things like "I donít know what I was thinking", or "how could I have been so stupid?" or "I canít believe I almost threw away what we had" are expressions of remorse for the affair.

Look for consistency in words and actions. A general change in overall behavior. A WS serious about reconciliation will consistently be contrite and sorry. Not just on D-day and the following days, but for as long as the BS is receptive to it.

Your husband needs to go to IC to understand how he allowed himself to cheat and how to own his choices and actions. If he is unwilling to do this, MC isn't worth your time or money.

Good luck. Take it day by day and know that you are worth being treated with love, dignity and respect.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1187 | Registered: Apr 2013
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Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Got a call from WS that he was called over to HR for a complaint filed against him. I couldn't help but be happy. He was afraid he was being fired, but luckily they are going to move him to another hospital. It was the OW husband who filed.

This finally opened up some communication. He's very angry with himself and very ashamed. His comments about facing consequences of whatever I decide are based on punishment to himself. He finally said he doesn't want to separate but that he made his bed and he's ready to lie in it. He said he still loves me and that I'm a good person who doesn't deserve this. Damn right!

If we could afford it, he'd actually want to quit his job. He wants no contact with people, especially women and assured me this will NEVER happen again. He said all he wants to focus on is me and the kids. Don't think I'm ready to forgive and forget b/c I'm not. This just seems like a baby step forward.

He is afraid things will never be the same and I told him thats why we're going to try MC. He is doubtful but willing to try.

Sorry to be marathon posting, but you all are all I have right now. I'm not telling any family or friends what we are going through.

Am I crazy or do you agree that this is a baby step?

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
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Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgot to mention that he also emailed OW and told her to never contact him again. She has been out of work for about a month due to an injury, but will return in about two weeks. He should be relocated by then.

Lots of hugs and tears from him last night, but still hard for me obviously. Especially when the mind movies start.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New Jersey
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Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry (((B07))) that you've found yourself in this situation, but I'm so very glad you've found your way here! I think my fairly similar story may just have turned out differently had I had this amazing resource so soon after DDay.

As for the house, wow that's a complicated one. I found out right after we moved into our new, bigger home. We'd sold our much more affordable house and had been in an apartment while ours was finishing up. Man, what I wouldn't give to have discovered the A BEFORE we signed all the final paperwork! Normally I'd say pull the house from the market and focus on you and your marriage, but I get that if you're in a difficult house to sell, an offer may just be too good to pass up. I think in your situation, if a true offer is to be had, grab it. Since you're not going to make a dime from the sale, honestly I'd rent after that. You do not want to be stuck with another house to deal with in the event R doesn't go well or doesn't work if you don't have to. Whether you rent 2 separate small places or a larger one together is another story, and up to you.

Your BS is being a complete blameshifting a**hole. This is NOT your fault! Men who get lots of great sex cheat, men with loving wives cheat, men in happy marriages cheat. It was a choice he made, it's as complicated and as simple as that.

I've read many times on this site, and have come to completely agree... you both need IC and he needs to quit with the excuses and blameshifting before MC is really going to do any good. We went WAY too early after Dday, he was still in excuse mode, rugsweeping, not TRULY remorseful and wanted to spend the entire sessions talking about how all of it was my fault. Unfortunately our counselor was all too accommodating, I think it did more harm than good. There's a time to work on the marriage issues (pre and post affair) but now is not it.

Like every one has already said, YES YES YES it's completely normal to feel numb and dazed, trust me the anger is coming.

Spend lots of timing taking care of yourself, read from The Healing Library, and get into IC with someone that specializes (or at least works with a lot) in affairs.

Hugs Betrayed07!

[This message edited by WoundedOpus at 8:02 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]

Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

ďI don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
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Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems that he is starting to wake up and realize what he has done. This is good. Unfortunately it seems that he ready to take whatever the punishment is, but I am not hearing any real remorse. "I will do whatever you need me to do so I can stay and keep the life I know" NOT " This has to be the single most awful thing I have ever done, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't believe the path of devestation I have created". There is a huge difference. However he is giving you an opportunity to lay your ground rules for an attempt to R from this. TAKE IT!!!!

Lay the ground rules, NC, access to all electronics, and emails, No unaccounted for time. IC and MC, so he gets to the Why of what he did. STD testing for himself, and you. Answeres any and all questions that you have. Whatever else you need.
While he will readily agree to this be prepared to be vigilint. Verify everything. Snoop, make sure there isn't a second cell phone, a hidden email, etc. Hide a VAR in his vehicle. Pop in and surprise him at work occasionally. Activate GPS on his phone without him knowing.

He may get pissy with all the snooping, and questions, this is a red flag that he doesn't get what he has done, and is just feeling sorry for himself. You have to call BS when you see it. You will really benefit from wearing your Bitch Boots through this. Not being mean or vindicitive, but not tolerating anything less than honestly, love, and respect.

Keep posting, keep questions coming.

((((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8698 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 27
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