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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Family of Origin, Neediness, and Other Topics
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things have been going pretty well with mpb1974 lately. We haven't been talking much about the affair - instead we are channeling our energy into yard work and house beautification. He says that he is still extremely angry, which I don't blame him one bit, and he needs to do something to not think about things - to use his energy for positive things. I have also been volunteering more with abandoned cats. It makes me feel good to help the kitties and give them love.

My IC has been going well. We have been delving into my past to see what may have caused me to become this person who could cause such pain. I spoke to my dad the other day about some things in my past. He had lost his job when I was 11 and had to get another job which caused him more stress. He told me that he also started drinking heavily at that time. Also my mom went back to work to supplement our income since my dad wasn't making enough money. Because of that, they didn't have as much time for my brother and I. I think that's where my neediness started because I wasn't getting much attention.

My parent always seemed to let my brother get away with more than me (which my dad says was valid), even though I was 2 years older. My dad told me that he disciplined me more because he thought I was smarter than my brother.

I also asked my dad about sex and relationships. He, like my mother, didn't realize that I lost my virginity at age 15. I had two serious(?) boyfriends before college, both who my dad said put me on a pedestal, and both who I broke up with. Both relationships were no longer then 6 to 8 months each. My dad made a comment that maybe I want to be treated like shit by men. He also doesn't recall talking to me about sex.

My IC said that I don't have a sex addiction, because I don't orgasm, but that I have a love/attention addiction. My BH asks me why wasn't he enough. Sometimes I think no one/nothing would be enough to fill the hole inside of me. I constantly need outside approval since I can't approve of myself internally. I think some of that may have caused my affair. I have a tendency to latch onto people and things and can't extract myself. I don't think before I act. I don't weigh the consequences before I make a decision.

My BH keeps saying that all of my neediness/problems should not have affected my AP's BW. I latched onto her as much as I latched onto my AP. I somehow could keep them separate. I felt I loved everyone so what I was doing made it okay. My MC said that maybe I wanted to undermine my AP's BW and live vicariously through her at the same time because she had what I thought I wanted. Looking back, why would I want an adultering husband? I could somehow look past it so I could keep doing what I was doing. I wanted everyone's approval and love. I destroyed her life. I destroyed my BH's life. I destroyed my own life. I must not have loved anyone in this situation even though I thought I did. I can't wrap my head around how I could fall so easily into this life. No matter what my BH did to me, he didn't deserve this pain and anguish.

I am trying to start over. I am trying to fix myself. I need to make sure that my BH is the only one giving me male attention and I need to channel my self-destructive behaviors into positive ones. It's going to take a long time.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 442 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand your IC's statement that you don't have a sex addiction because you don't orgasm. I'm not saying you do have one---but IC's comment strikes me as odd because there's a lot more to get from sex (both physically and non-physically) than the climax. I am no expert but I would think that a sex addict's addiction is based on more than just an orgasm.

Sorry to pick such a small part of your post to comment on; I'm on my phone.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled and remarried.


Posts: 2131 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Wonderingwhy11
♀ Member
Member # 34782
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to learn to love yourself. You need to stop beating yourself up for your past choices. Your childhood sounds similar to mine Ė my mother was addicted to pain medications and had other mental problems. I now realize what caused my motherís erratic behavior but the damage to my self-esteem was done. I became a pleaser because of the chaos I grew up in. You have to make a choice to stop the chaos and I know it is not easy. It is easy to stay with the patterns we learn from our childhood. With work you can break them. At some point you have stop blaming your childhood and take control. If you donít, your childhood will continue to take over your life. It sounds like you are starting to do this. You have to tell the voice in your head to shut up and change the dialogue. Continue the work with the IC. You canít completely change childhood behaviors. You can change how you react to them.

If your BH is supporting you in trying to heal yourself, then embrace it. You definitely need to let your BH know he is important. You do this by showing a commitment to changing your past behavior.

Good luck.


Me BW - 46
Him WH - 53
Together 23 yrs, Married 18
DDay August 2011
2 kids - 13 and 15

Gotta love the life that we livin'


Posts: 376 | Registered: Feb 2012
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I sent this link to my BH he sent me the following email. Any input, SI community?

I think the question is not so much why was I not enough, but what made you feel after 10 years of loyalty that you should get involved with adultery? If it was wrong for 10 years prior, it was wrong at years 11-13. If you knew it was wrong and did it anyway, then I imagine that you elevated your 'feelings' for him on par with your responsibility to us. In addition, you somehow neutralized the concept of privacy and dignity as it related to AP's BW personal life and her sense of security / peace of mind. What gave you that right? AP's BW invited you into her home as a friend, not with the understanding that you could fuck her husband. And not to belabor it, but why would you want to fuck that loser in the first place? Very average looking, and very below average ethics-wise. I dont see how an attraction forms. It's like women who fell for Richard Ramirez while he was on trial for serial killings.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 442 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand your IC's statement that you don't have a sex addiction because you don't orgasm. I'm not saying you do have one---but IC's comment strikes me as odd because there's a lot more to get from sex (both physically and non-physically) than the climax. I am no expert but I would think that a sex addict's addiction is based on more than just an orgasm.

I think I used sex for my whole life as a way of connecting and getting approval. It has been mostly about pleasing the man because then I get approval. Sick, huh?


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 442 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He does have some valid points. I think the two questions he asks in his email are good ones for you to explore in IC. I mean, yes, you could try and delve into it with him - I just think that would be very painful for you both. At least with your IC, you have someone who can keep you focused.
I think I used sex for my whole life as a way of connecting and getting approval.
I was the same throughout my life too. I used sex as currency. Give me attention, sexualize me, validate me, and in turn, I give you sex. That was the exchange between xOM & myself. Try not to look at it as sick. It's an unhealthy behavior that can be modified.
I have a love/attention addiction
I think your IC is partly correct. As hb0903 said, SA isn't directly related to having an orgasm but it is connected to the need for constant approval and validation. That said, you sound like you may be SLA (sex & love addict) or just a Love Addict. I would suggest taking this assessment: http://www.slaafws.org/download/core-files/The_40_Questions_of_SLAA.pdf just to see where you stand. It's good information to have.
It's going to take a long time.
Progress is a process - this is a marathon not a sprint. Just keep moving forward.


FWW - 41
Fawk you.....pay me!

Posts: 5895 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your IC is partly correct. As hb0903 said, SA isn't directly related to having an orgasm but it is connected to the need for constant approval and validation. That said, you sound like you may be SLA (sex & love addict) or just a Love Addict. I would suggest taking this assessment: http://www.slaafws.org/download/core-files/The_40_Questions_of_SLAA.pdf just to see where you stand. It's good information to have.

I took this quiz and I had 33 yeses. I guess that means I'm a love addict. It's kind of scary, but it's good to confront my issues.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 442 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you, talking to your dad, he sounds like a good person to have on your team. Wish my parents were more like that, they primarily want to rugsweep.

Pizzalover, I relate to so much of what you're saying, and I applaud you for owning your choices and working to fix yourself. Have you heard about the concept of toxic shame? Like so many things I've learned post-A, through IC and reading, it really struck a chord with me. Based on your post, I thought you might like this ebook.

http://www.marianmills.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Feeling-Bad-About-Yourself-06-May-2013.pdf

My IC is an EFT advocate and practitioner; if you don't know or care about EFT, you can skip from page 5 to 11 and gloss over the EFT scripts. BH and I read this together and the "toxic shame" concept (although Mills doesn't use that phrase) resonated with us deeply. It explains so much of why I had that "bottomless hole" inside me, and how I cope with it.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response thereís a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1166 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's kind of scary, but it's good to confront my issues.
Absolutely. Now that you are more informed, you can go from there. Take this new information to your next IC appt. Also, I would recommend reading "Out of the Shadows" by Dr. Patrick Carnes. He's a pioneer in the field of SA & SLA.


FWW - 41
Fawk you.....pay me!

Posts: 5895 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://www.marianmills.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Feeling-Bad-About-Yourself-06-May-2013.pdf

I will definitely check this out. At 38, I better start figuring out how to be okay with my self, let go of shame, and love myself. Any help that I can get is great!


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09


Posts: 442 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you knew it was wrong and did it anyway, then I imagine that you elevated your 'feelings' for him on par with your responsibility to us

Could it be more an issue with a vacuum? What I mean by that is that sometimes we use our feelings for others to regulate our behavior and choices. When those feelings become impacted or diminished by another's treatment of us it can leave a vacuum. That's why I get so nervous when I read, "I'll never hurt her/him because I love them sooooo much". Yeah, well, what about when you don't.

Pizzalover, I've posted to you before about the actions you tolerated. I think it's interesting your BH asks how you could have been attracted because the guy was xyz, while he's posted himself about some very shitty actions he engaged in.

The choice to cheat is always the WS's. Always. There are links, though, to the thought processes that allow us to accept horrible behavior from others. That sadly also includes ourselves as well.

When we lose feelings a vacuum can form if we don't have our boundaries and our thought processes shored up. It's like pulling up a fence post and seeing all the dirt cave into the created hole. You don't control it because there is no longer a retention barrier keeping that shit out.

Just something to think about if it fits or not. It's great you're digging. You're getting awesome support.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Topic Posts: 11

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