You, as a loving faithful SO are infinitely more valuable than a women who would cheat on her H and destroy another's family. All your broken WH sees right now is the rainbow he's chasing.
If I remember correctly his ExW cheated on him? In his broken mind that makes her more valuable because he couldn't "have" her.
You were faithful and willing to marry him. He "had" you. Deep in the bottom of his twisted mind that de-valued you because he didn't value himself. In his mind, if you are truly committed to him, the loser, there must be something wrong with you.
I know it hurts. I know it makes you question yourself but know that however he is treating her now, if she marries and truly commits to him he will devalue her too. If she doesn't...well....what kind of life will that be for either of them?
You were a giving and loving SO, the very thing that strikes fear into the heart of these people. In his emotional abuse of you he probably put you down for the very things that make you human,unfairly call you hysterical and unreasonable so he wouldn't have to deal with real emotions.
By not marrying this man you dodged a bullet, but still have with two amazing children to raise. The moment with your daughter, and the fact the she can talk to you like she does then move on to her fear of math is a testament to her resilience and your parenting.
He didn't marry you because you are real, not some rainbow fantasy that he has to chase after. Watch and see, if he marries her he will still need a fantasy to chase, either it's OW1 because she's a train wreck and won't commit or another OW2 because OW1 decides to settle down. You are so much better off in the end.
Edited for grammar
[This message edited by grace68 at 11:11 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]
I'm glad you used the word devalued. Yes, he devalued me but that does not mean that I have no value. I am a mom and my kids' unconditional love is the most precious thing in the world now and forever.
You are so right also that he wants what he can't have.
Yes, I dodged a bullet, for sure.
Edited for spelling.
[This message edited by Lola2kids at 11:42 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]
He used to, in the beginning, treat me better in private. He was affectionate and loving and doting.
Better isn't good. Everyone is affectionate in the beginning. I mean how they treat you once that first blush of new romance starts fading.
None of this has anything to do with you. He wasn't ashamed of you - he is incapable of healthy love. He was not capable of reciprocating your love not because of a measure of you but of him.
It makes me so sad that you feel this way. Please consider the source when using his actions/decisions to measure yourself. HE was not worthy. YOU had a right to be ashamed of him.
It is what it is.
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
[This message edited by Lola2kids at 6:45 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]
if he does move to "other country" with her, do you really think you are going to be able to never send them for a visit? Especially when they get a little older and they want to go see other country? If you do not have the paper saying they live with you, then he does NOT have to return them, and when you go to the police, they are going to say there is nothing they can do, because you don't have custody.
I know it might open up a fight now...but better now, than when your kids are in "other country" and can't come home.
Having that paper that says sole custody will mean the passports are under your control...and he can't go get them other ones.
Maybe what you did in the first place worked...but now, especially if he is going to marry her and live there, I don't think you can count on him only seeing the girls when he comes here. Without papers, I think you are in a worse position down the road. It's to protect you and the girls.
If the same thing happens with your situation; they get married, he moves in with her, and overseas. What are you going to do when he takes the kids to another country and she wants to play house and he doesn't bring the kids back?
There won't be a damn thing you can do without a custody order.
Filing for custody and CS may ruffle his feathers but it's better that it happens while the kids are with you and not him, and in your country.
I think the best thing right now is a free consult with a family lawyer whose specialty is custody.
You should look for one that has experience with international custody disputes since that may be in your future.
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
Your X has already proven himself untrustworthy, I think you need to seriously consider having some level of control over his ability to make decisions regarding your children. They need every bit of stability possible.