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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dealing with triggers when spouse is with you
thisisnoteasy
♂ New Member
Member # 35129
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are getting close to 2 years since d-day. Marriage is better than ever in most ways. You can read my previous posts if you want to read all of it.

The one thing that we all experience so often are the dreaded "triggers". My issue is that when I see an obvious trigger, and I am with my wife, meaning also that she is aware of whatever the particulars are -- it never registers in her head as quickly (or not at all) as it does for me. I quickly become down in the dumps, pissy, etc. The problem is that I expect a "supportive" reaction from her...such as a hand hold, kiss on the cheek, whatever -- something very quick and simple, because it comforts me to know she cares. Well, she "usually" does not react until I explain what I'm down about. Her explanation is that it's so far removed from her memory, and we've rebuilt our marriage so well that it doesn't enter her mind. So I try to tell myself that this can actually be looked at as a positive thing. Tell me I'm right....?

[This message edited by thisisnoteasy at 3:34 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


ME: BH - 43
Her:FWS - 42
Dday - End of July 2011
3 Kids - 13,14,17 - Married
20 years (together for 24 yrs)

9/4/13 -- found out they have had some texting and phone conversations a few times during our Recovery.


Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2012
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sure...I can see my H doing that years down the road.

Some of my triggers surprise even me and I realized, how is he supposed to just know this. So how about you say to her what I say to him, "hon, I am having a trigger" and then she can grab your hand or give you a hug.

Would that work?


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2102 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
thisisnoteasy
♂ New Member
Member # 35129
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do usually try to tell her as soon as possible, however I sort of feel like pathetic baby. I guess that's on of the gifts you receive for going through this.


ME: BH - 43
Her:FWS - 42
Dday - End of July 2011
3 Kids - 13,14,17 - Married
20 years (together for 24 yrs)

9/4/13 -- found out they have had some texting and phone conversations a few times during our Recovery.


Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2012
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Triggers suck, totally suck.

The bad thing, IMO, about triggers when you have a remorseful spouse that gets the pain they have inflicted and have done work to move on...is they don't get the things that make us trigger.

My husband was the same as your wife. The obvious triggers were there, and he would help with those.The ones that I created on my own...a song that made me think of the A, a place where they ate when we would drive by, a date, a phrase...christ, the wind blowing in a certain direction. These things would set off bells in my head, but not in his. We both have different memories and "important pieces" of the A that are not the same for the other person KWIM?

So you have 2 choices....suffer in silence or talk about it.

If you choose to be silent you have removed an opportunity for your wife to help you heal.

If she is doing the work and gets the pain she has bestowed upon your marriage she will want to help. After I had to explain a few triggers to my H and he obviously had no memory of a few of the things that triggered me it was a welcome relief to know he was able to let her go so easily, she wasn't in his mind. I was and our life was.

The last trigger that bothered me happened last summer, almost 5 years out. I thought I was done and felt ridiculous telling him about it, but I did.

It made him sad, I could see the pain in his eyes as he hugged me and apologized again for the hurt....five years later and not an ounce of "get over it" from him. It helps to know that no matter what he is there and still carries the responsibility for the pain.

Well that was long winded...

In short, yeah you are right


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3759 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
thisisnoteasy
♂ New Member
Member # 35129
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for that awesome reply. Really helpful. Trying every day to live more in the present.


ME: BH - 43
Her:FWS - 42
Dday - End of July 2011
3 Kids - 13,14,17 - Married
20 years (together for 24 yrs)

9/4/13 -- found out they have had some texting and phone conversations a few times during our Recovery.


Posts: 35 | Registered: Mar 2012
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying every day to live more in the present

It's important to do this ^^^

But don't ignore the little bits and pieces of pain that come around now.

After year 2 it is so easy to start to get on with things...and we do have to move on...but address the issues you come across because although few and far between it means something is unresolved.

So resolve it and move on. It does get easier after year 2 IMO.

Take care


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3759 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 6

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