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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What to believe now.....
Thadiun
♂ New Member
Member # 39653
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Posted: 10:08 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)
I' ve read a lot of posts on this site and a lot of what people are saying I can very much relate. My issue ATM is my D day was 2 weeks ago. Once I found out the truth I went back to my home state to visit family and friends. I stayed for a week and decided to come back to see if I could salvage our marriage or at least go to counseling since my wife texted me everyday saying how sorry she was and wants another chance to pro e her love. So once I returned I still noticed her being distant to me when I saw her and once iI hugged and broke down in tears her reaction was like consoling a child with no tears or showing any type of emotion. So only 2 days since I been back she said she tired of being coped up in the house and wanted to go to her friends house. Well alarm bells was going off and to make a long story short she went back to him. On further discovery when she was texting me while I was with my family she actually took out money to pay for her lovers apartment. On the 3rd day since i returned when I decided to show my cards of what I knew she was doing, she finally cried and tried to stop me from leaving the house. I went to motel room and decided before I talked to legal to have a meeting with her counselor. I still plan on going to legal but the counselor still wants the two of us to come in to see her. My ultimate question for this group of people that is going thru the same thing I'm in, would u still try and work with this type of individual who constantly lies and leaves guilt riden texts about ignoring our son and not calling to talk things out worth going thru this type of hell? Or does a person deserve a 3rd chance? I'm totally confused and lost on what exactly my wife true intentions are. She says one thing but here actions say something else. Thanks ahead of time to anyone who might have some suggestions.
Posts: 1 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: VA


H- BS. 39
WW - 47
D-day. 6/10/13
6 month old son after trying for 10yrs
Married 5/1/99

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: VA
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 4:50 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thadiun

So sorry you have found your way to SI. A place no one thought they'd ever find their self.

2 weeks is still very new in absorbing this devestating news.

Your wife is still minimizing and projecting her behavior - she is not yet out of the fog.

Can she get there - yes - but it will take a lot of hard work and complete honesty.

I would say meet with an IC first on your own. You need to get to a place you feel like you have an approach in addressing all that has happened.

All of your feelings are based on emotion now (completely understandable) and its hard to make sense of anything.

Only you can answer if she deserves another chance. You don't have to decide today or tomorrow to stay or go. For now, take it one day at a time.

Demand proof of no contact from your wife to the other man. And I would also ask for your money back.

Those weren't her funds to give.

Be cautious of trickle truth and her taking the affair underground. She lied before she hasn't proven she can be trusted yet...

Is the other man married? I'd so, his BW needs to be notified ASAP.

You also may want to consider being tested for STD's. Terrible possibility.

I am sorry. Keep posting. You are not alone.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2013
Thadiun
♂ New Member
Member # 39653
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the reply 1Faith, yes I figured its going to take some time for my wife to be completely honest with me. The other man is a total opposite of myself and he is not married, just a recovering meth adict. I decided to start a list of Pros/Cons and see how much my wife really wants to save our marriage. So far she informed me that they have been intimate 3 times, but she didn't uncover how long the relationship has been going on. I'll check the list after around 6 months to see what outways the other and probably decide if its worth salvaging. Thanks again for your advice and insight.


H- BS. 39
WW - 47
D-day. 6/10/13
6 month old son after trying for 10yrs
Married 5/1/99

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: VA
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm at four months out and my WW reacted in a similar way at first.

That's slowly but definitely evolving into remorse.

The question my therapist asked me is one that I think would help you make a choice:

What do you want?

If you want to work things out, you're going to have to accept that your WW will need time to see reality and even more time to start dealing with it.

People involved in PAs alone seem to come out of the 'fog' very quickly. People involved in EAs in addition to a PA seem really cruel because they need more time to sort out reality. It's a sad, horrible, painful truth.

That's where I started and that's the question that helped me.

Stay strong.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 504 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thadiun

The key in your situation is to take control.

Go see an attorney and understand your rights.

Then tell your wife what your boundaries are.

Enforce those boundaries.

Show her consequences for her horrible actions.

Because untiol she feels those consequences she will not understand hw badly her choices are or how badly she has hurt you.

And until that happens her lying, cheating sneaking ways will not stop.

So get tough if you still love her.

Good luck.

HM64


Posts: 786 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If they've been together, you know they have, you need to get checked for STD's ASAP !!, especially if he's an addict.
Also, you need to have seperate bank accounts if she's taking your money to pay his rent.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 1:08 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 443 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be very leery of a meeting with your wife and her IC. Her IC has no duty to either you or your marriage. Rather, his/her priority is your wife, and that means that you may well feel ambushed.

When my husband's IC wanted to meet with me---he had good reasons, because he'd been lied to and wanted to verify certain information with me---I agreed, but only if my husband was not present.

I had been decimated sufficiently, at that point, to become party to any more of the blaming and bashing.

The IC was happy to meet with me under these conditions; he was given consent, by my husband, to talk with me--but only did so in general terms. (He gets real kudos for not breaching confidentiality unduly, even with consent.) He asked many questions--the nature of which gave me a good idea where my husband was at that point. He also shared with me impressions and was forthcoming enough for me to determine that my own perceptions of the situation were accurate. Overall, it was very helpful.

If my husband had been there, it would have been disastrous. He was still lying and cheating and blameshifting. (He never stopped, actually.)

I guess my point is this: Your wife has an ally in her IC, and that's great for her. But as long as your wife is foggy, she's not safe, even with the IC present. In fact, the IC is positioning herself to be an agent of greater pain to you. Her IC may be completely unaware of the extent of the dishonesty---and may well be being lied to herself.

I'm all for second, third, and even fourth chances. But you have to have something to work with.

What is your wife doing to show you she's working hard to become the partner you deserve?


Edited to correct loopy grammar.

[This message edited by solus sto at 7:19 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8294 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Thadiun
♂ New Member
Member # 39653
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank u all for your responses, they all were very enlightening and helpful. I just finished one counseling session with the marriage counselor with my wife present. It was uncomfortable but the counselor was ok I thought. The counselor asked what I wanted today from this session. My reply was, I want my wife to prove to me by her actions that she really wants this marriage to be salvaged not by mere words. She asked for an example, so I said I reactivated her cell phone 2 days ago but she didn't ask me to change the number. I had to actually ask, "are u planning to change the number"? If I was in her shoes I would do anything possible to regain trust, but it always takes me to approach the subject, for once I would like for her alone to make an attempt to show some type of change that would help regain my trust in her. After we left counseling we both drove home in our own vehicles. I followed her and sure enough she took the exact same road home that would go by her lovers house when she has plenty of other roads to take besides that one. I confronted her about it once we got home and she said the only reason she took that road was because it was a short cut. Honestly, if your trying to regain trust y would u have no consideration for how the other person might feel if u take that specific route. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but every little act makes me wonder.


H- BS. 39
WW - 47
D-day. 6/10/13
6 month old son after trying for 10yrs
Married 5/1/99

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: VA
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your right. Your WW needS to take the lead on regaining your trust.
If you have to keep reminding her of this, then it's not worth the effort.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 7:25 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 443 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Thadiun
♂ New Member
Member # 39653
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spoke with my WS IC about what she suggested to do with my WS. Said each of us cook dinner together every night and read a marriage book about communication. I was planning on doing that but felt like I was getting told by the counselor I need to on order to rebuild our relationship. I was ok at first until WS drove by OP apartment complex, and I spoke to the counselor about the incident and how I felt and she said I can't try and be a policeman and write tickets on every indiscretion that WS does or I won't heal the relationship. So I kind of got angry with the counselor and she asked how many days a week would u feel comfortable to cook dinner with WS, I responded maybe 2 days not including our regular MC sessions. Her response made me even more upset, she replied well y can't u make it every other day? I thought I was putting forth the effort by not up and leaving WS, but staying in the marriage and working things out but at my pace. Feel like I'm being pushed because I'm slow. Oh did I mention she also wants us to attend a focus group on communication for 6 weeks as well. Lady give me a break please to breath, I'm drowning here! I'm really considering dropping this gas bag when I see her on Monday because of the pressure she is applying on me. I think u was right solus...

[This message edited by Thadiun at 7:37 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]


H- BS. 39
WW - 47
D-day. 6/10/13
6 month old son after trying for 10yrs
Married 5/1/99

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: VA
Thadiun
♂ New Member
Member # 39653
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Received an wonderful text from OP today, telling me to back off or else. Oh how fun, I have to deal with this Jerryspringer crap as well. Life is good !!!!!!


H- BS. 39
WW - 47
D-day. 6/10/13
6 month old son after trying for 10yrs
Married 5/1/99

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: VA
Chicky
♀ Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or else WHAT?

I sincerely hope you aren't letting that windbag affect how you handle this.


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 520 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
TheClimb
♀ Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thadiun:

Why would the OP contact you? What does he mean by "back off". Sounds to me like you WW is still in contact with him. He has such nerve to tell you to back off. He was sleeping with YOUR wife. I have to tell you these OP take the cake. I'm sure he is of a high moral character. Wish I could introduce him to the whore that slept with my husband. She is also a good person....

Dump the counselor. Make dinner together? Hey this is great if you two are just having issues spending time together but your wife is sleeping with another man and won't stop communicating with him. Save yourself some heartache and money and just stop. See an IC for yourself if you want. Counseling will do no good with a foggy, lying wife.

As we say here all the time, you can't love them back. Spend your money on an attorney. Get the papers drawn up and have her served. Separate your bank accounts. Check out the Healing Library and begin a hard 180. Your wife needs to see that you are not going to be her second choice.

Hang in there; I think you are doing great for two weeks out. I was a basket case!


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 452 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 8:32 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What was the context of the text? Had you reached out to him?

Bizarre.

Does you WW know he sent the text?

If so, her response?

I agree with the others on the MC.

I am all for spending time together put making a blanket statement like cooking dinner together x times a week is going to fix this is asinine. Especially if it feels forced. It could be a recommendation but not a prescription.

If your wife is still in the fog - don't waste your money, time or energy on a communication focus group. Too soon.

Stay strong and if OP keeps bothering you get an order of protection. Keep all text and communication as you may need it legally.

Sending hugs -


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2013
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thadiun,

I'm really considering dropping this gas bag when I see her on Monday

This ^^^^ is exactly what I would do. The only counseling I would stay away from MC for now or any joint counseling. I'm very sorry, but there is a good possibility your WW is still in contact with OM. Those little behaviors add up, and you are in the hyper-aware state where you are noticing all those little things.

We tried MC shortly after D-day, and my husband lied to the various MCs we tried saying he was NC with skank. It was a huge waste of time, money and what precious little energy I had.

Take care.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 339 | Registered: Feb 2013
Thadiun
♂ New Member
Member # 39653
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for responding Chicky, theclimb and 1Faith. Some background on the OP text was he thought I was tapping his phone, so I was confused by this so I showed it to WS. Her first statement was she didn't know y he contacted me so I went to her friend that babysits our son because she is related to the OP. (OP grandmother ). She stated my wife was talking with her about me monitoring WS cell phone And more than likely I was tapping her grandson cell as well. So dear old grandma contacted OP and told him that his cell was tapped. After hearing this I confronted WS about her conversation with her friend and she stated that she. Misinterpreted what she actually said and was actually trying to scare him from contacting her on her work phone number which has yet to be changed. I informed her that I was going to the police to report the threat and sure enough she told me that was his call sign nothing more. Pistol pea or something like that and that proved again to me that she was still devoted to him. OP left a nasty vm on her work number about me saying I'm done with her and plan on taking the baby from her. She started blowing up my cell phone asking me to call her and confirm that I was done. My only response back to her was if she wanted to save the marriage to not respond to me at all and let me have my space and if she ignores my request it will be a permanent space that will happen. So far she has honored my request and have 2 days of silence so far. I plan on going to legal on Tuesday to see what my rights are and getting my own IC before going to a MC.


H- BS. 39
WW - 47
D-day. 6/10/13
6 month old son after trying for 10yrs
Married 5/1/99

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: VA
Thadiun
♂ New Member
Member # 39653
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing I forgot to mention in his text. OP stated there was other men but I probably already knew this and that she was playing around with both of us


H- BS. 39
WW - 47
D-day. 6/10/13
6 month old son after trying for 10yrs
Married 5/1/99

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: VA
TheClimb
♀ Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OP stated there was other men but I probably already knew this and that she was playing around with both of us

Thadiun:

Please remember that the OP are liars. Unless there is some proof of an additional OM, don't put any faith into what this POS says.

About a year after DD#2, I had to contact the Whore and ask her to stop showing up at the club we were members of (she was not a member). After all the "I am not that person", "you were a much better mother than I was", "I am so sorry and will forever regret my actions", blah, blah, blah. She ended the conversation by saying, "I heard I was not the only one and that this is not the first time he has cheated on you". I said, "well you are the only one I know of. If you have a name, then spill it". Of course she didn't. She was trying to take some of the heat off of herself.

Don't let him get to you. He is not worth any effort at all.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 452 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
Thadiun
♂ New Member
Member # 39653
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't hear anything more from OP, I'm currently at this moment waiting on legal to open their doors for me to talk with a lawyer. I haven't spoke to my WW in 3 days since the incident. I still have mix emotions on how to deal with this situation. Hopefully legal will give me a new insight. Thanks to u all for your continued support.


H- BS. 39
WW - 47
D-day. 6/10/13
6 month old son after trying for 10yrs
Married 5/1/99

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: VA
Thadiun
♂ New Member
Member # 39653
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Went to legal and got some info, I decided to make my own independent NC contract and legal said that would be fine. Once I gave it to WW the only issue she had was not being able to receive money back from the OM because he was supposed to repay her the money she spent for his apartment. I told her to take it as a lost and should have never given money to him the first place. I also stated that I'm getting my own place and she responded that I already made up my mind for a divorce if I moved out. I told her no, if that was the case I would have served her with divorce papers instead of a NC contract. What a day.... i'm not sure I have the strength to keep playing these mind games. I can tell from my intuition that she is not really apologetic for what happened but wants me to focus on how she feels. She keeps saying I understand your hurt but I hurt to. I'm already getting dizzy just thinking about our conversation.


H- BS. 39
WW - 47
D-day. 6/10/13
6 month old son after trying for 10yrs
Married 5/1/99

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: VA
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