Gotta love the life that we livin'
The purpose of the 180 is to build your strengths and your understanding that you'll be fine without your WS, even though you'd prefer to R.
Ideally, I suspect, it's best to do the 180 only after you've outlined your requirements for R. If you haven't, I guess it could make sense to tell your unremorseful WS that you'd love to talk with her after she starts meeting your R reqs.
If your W is unremorseful, she's not in a relationship with you, and probably the best topic for discussion is how you'll D. Or you could just file and, when she gets served, let her know that you're open to R if she starts doing R work.
You have to realize you can live on your own to get rid of the desperation.
You have to risk your M to save it.
We came out of MC 2 weeks ago very down. We opened up a big box of the problems in our marriage Pre A. She has been frustrated and distant and I have been picking up on this. She said she really wants to go back to MC to talk about all this more. I was glad to hear that.
Here is why she said she has been frustrated. We have been having financial issues lately and she had to pick up more hours at work. She said she hates working more then she has to there. It reminds her of our life Pre A passing the kids off, spending no time together and missing out on family time. She wakes up in the morning dreading working at night and feels her whole day is ruined and we don't get any family time. My response was then tell me cause I start thinking the worse and as she noticed I completely disconnect. We had to stop talking but tonight we are going to talk about how to recognize whats going on in the moment rather than 2 weeks later after all these emotions build up.
As far as unremorseful. I get it in waves. At first she was doing everything right. Once it got to working on herself and marital issues she has been a little disconnected. she did tell me she is working through alot of neglect from her childhood and the neglect I contributed in our marriage. She is still deeply hurt I didn't make her and the kids top priority for years. Actually not until DDAy.
She had an affair and now she's getting the attentive spouse she always wanted. I'd call that a win for her. You 180 for your own sanity due to her lack of remorse and pissy attitude and she thinks you don't give a shit about her. SHE had an affair. Did she give a shit about you?
I was way down on my husband's priority list for years. It made me bitter and resentful but I didn't go have sex with someone else because of that.
As far as unremorseful. I get it in waves. At first she was doing everything right. Once it got to working on herself and marital issues she has been a little disconnected.
She's not hit remorse yet. You've not seen it. It only comes when the WS understands the affair was solely because of them and their issues and stops blaming the BS or the marriage. Your wife has not done that yet.
She has retreated into previous hurts and is processing those by taking it out on you. At some point that is going to kill your chances at R.
R takes both of you in a healthy place. Trying to R when one of you is so broken just doesn't work.
You have to try to detach from her a little more. I know it is hard, but you have to try. Do things outside of your M, focus on yourself more. It will help you in the long run and even after your W gets to a better place.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Usually the 180 is implemented when the WS is unremorseful but the BS wants to R. Doing the 180 means doing things on your own, limiting conversations to money and children, and possibly filing for D. If you're in R, you have to talk about lots more than that.
Your sitch doesn't sound like it's typical for the 180 at all. What do you mean by 'doing the 180'? What do you hope to accomplish with it?
I told her if she wants me to get back to being happy I need to feel loved by her and safe
This sounds like you're looking to your W for validation, and it sounds like you're counting on your W to heal you. That won't work - you have to heal yourself.
Are you in IC? How about your W? I think you'd find it helpful to have some IRL guidance from someone experienced in helping couples R.
ETA: If your idea is that the 180 helps manipulate your W into 'meeting your needs', your idea of the 180 is way off. Just consider this: WRT meeting my needs, my w has done that very well all through our M. The A really was under my radar, so if ow had been a little less demanding, the A would have gone on longer than it did and might still be going on ... and I would be thinking my W is meeting my needs fine. You're using the wrong metric.
[This message edited by sisoon at 11:21 AM, June 28th (Friday)]
If your idea is that the 180 helps manipulate your W into 'meeting your needs', your idea of the 180 is way off.
Sisoon is right. I'm not sure if you are doing that or not, but there is this desperate need in your posts to have your needs met. I suspect a lot of this is coming from MC primarily focusing on the marriage up to this point. You figure if you do your part, your wife will follow suit and things will be better.than.ever in short order.
I think there is a modified 180 (maybe that is not the correct term, so whatever you want to call it) when the BS has to stop busting their ass to fix their WS and the marriage. Another word for it is codependent. The need to detach and let go of the outcome. You can discuss more than finances etc, but stop the 'I can fix this if I put in 110% of effort'. The BS is making everything easy for the WS, such as spoon feeding them all the answers. The BS feels like they are spinning their wheels and gets frustrated with the lack of progress.
From IGIMA's posts, he was arranging dates, texting and emailing his WS numerous times during the day, researching, arranging IC and MC app'ts and trying to build a connection between them. When he stopped doing that, he got nothing in return because his wife is still so wrapped up in her own pain. She is not remorseful yet. Not until her actions prove it.
IMO because he is putting in sooooo much effort his wife hasn't needed to put in much. Why should she? He's doing all the heavy lifting for her. The roles have been reversed. Detaching is a well deserved break and will allow his wife to either show she can step up or not. Sink or swim. And ideally for him to work on himself and heal himself.