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User Topic: Anyone know anything about 'projection'?
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am really curious about this...

I kinda get the concept around this...
But I can't seem to verbalize it.

Is it when a person has feelings or emotions about something or a situation that they push onto someone else?

I really find it an interesting idea, especially in regards to infidelity.

What is it exactly? If I cheated or was cheated on in a previous relationship, can I project those past feelings onto my new partner?

This was a topic in IC today and I find it very confusing. Thx.


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1409 | Registered: Jun 2012
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Projection is a psychological term that means putting your own feelings and issues onto someone else. Like, if you have a trait you consider negative and you do not want to "own" it or accept it, you will see it in others but deny it in yourself.

My ex thought I was cheating all the time, because he was planning on doing so but did not want to accept that fact....so he saw it in me, even though I gave him no reason to suspect me of cheating (and I wasn't cheating.)


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15085 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
BeautifulEmpty
♀ Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Projection is a delightful tactic that causes the victim to feel they have finally jumped off the deep end.
At least, that's my take on it.
The last OW wrote me a big letter outing their affair and named it 'The Truth About Mr. Beautifulempty'.
I replied that I knew quite a lot about him and his problems but I hadn't realized she was so heinous so maybe she should have called it the truth about herself. This pissed her off so she wrote me a huge email about everything horrible about me. The funny part was, I could hardly be mad for long because everything she said about me was everything SHE did and absolutely nothing I had done. None of it. Projecting at its finest.
Everyone who saw that letter was like 'wtf? That's HER, not you!' So I didn't go crazy over it, thankfully. I didn't respond to her either.


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 237 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STBX accused me of cheating when I asked him to account for several hours of missing time. That's projecting.

He accused me of not letting the children out of the house, when in truth he was the one who didn't want me to enroll them in activities or take them places. That's projecting.

He accused me of being depressed. Projection again.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9234 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think sometimes us BS's can be "guilty" of projecting in a positive way, if you kwim, making the error of projecting our positive thinking or maturity onto someone..... then getting positively blindsided when their behavior matches their thinking and not ours.

We can project positve just as undeservingly as negative.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3581 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I disagreed with a decision made by a committee. I wrote them a very unemotional letter explaining my stance and my reasoning.

One of the members wrote me back and her letter called names, attacked character, and was belittling of me. She then said she was done responding to my venomous emails.

That is projecting. She blamed me for what she had done.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2605 | Registered: Jan 2010
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She projected onto me everything she was discontent about in our marriage, but mostly about life in general. So I was the target.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1215 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In MC, FWH told the MC that I was always disappointed that he wasn't a businessman who wore suits to work everyday. My FWH is quite successful and I am very proud of him.

So. Not. True. My father was a businessman who wore suits everyday. I admire my father. But, I was/am always attracted to "blue collar" men, more or less. I have dated policemen, construction workers, auto mechanics, factory workers, etc. I have only dated a couple of "suits" and really it didn't work for me. *shrug*

Anyway, I had never said that to FWH, it was that he was disappointed in himself that he wasn't a businessman who wore a suit to work everyday. He was quite shocked in MC when I pointed out that wasn't the truth, and the MC explained projection to him.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9403 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH does this. Whenever he start telling me that I am not doing enough work ( I help him out with his business), I know that means that he feels overwhelmed and the he feels like HE is not doing enough work. It can be tough to deal with, but I have gotten better at realizing that it is his issue, not mine.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1262 | Registered: Aug 2010
Pippy
♀ Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My experience, as a BS, was that I projected my feelings of "missing us as a couple" onto my then STBX, now ex.

In reality he had moved on and those feelings were mine and mine (definitely) alone.

I think this is very common among BS and the sooner we realise he doesn't have warm fuzzies for the good ol' days, the better off we are.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9587 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone gave you topnotch answers, but I'm more worried about the fact that you didn't understand it in IC; it's your counselor's job to make sure you understand. I hope you bring this up next time.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 19779 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
NikkiD
♀ Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think sometimes us BS's can be "guilty" of projecting in a positive way, if you kwim, making the error of projecting our positive thinking or maturity onto someone..... then getting positively blindsided when their behavior matches their thinking and not ours.

That actually just gave me life!!! That is very true.


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Rainbows
♀ Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The way I define projecting is that the person is so uncomfortable with traits in themselves or their actions (for whatever reason) that they not only reject that they have those traits, but they also assign them to someone else.

One example is when the WS accuses BS of cheating.

It took me a while to stop questioning myself and see his projection objectively. I finally explained to him that he's spent so much time projecting onto me, he doesn't really know who I am anymore.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 388 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Topic Posts: 13

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