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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New Information 3+ yrs out...
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I am in a free fall...I am literally sick. He is being honest at least. I am in such terrible pain. He told me because he "just remembered..."

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 388 | Registered: Feb 2013
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a fear I think many of us have.

That after building an acceptance around what we believe to be all the facts, we are knocked flat again.

I'm so sorry Edith. Is this new information something that you think you will be able to deal with?


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 785 | Registered: Feb 2012
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Edith,

I am so sorry. FightingBack is right - this is the scariest thing about trying to R. It must feel like DDay all over. Take care of yourself.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4028 | Registered: Dec 2011
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you FB. In the interest of truth, he "just remembered" that during our false R, he went over to see OW to "say goodbye." He had concocted a story that he was moving across the country, which was his way of ending things with OW (she did not see it that way and wanted to go with him).

So many times I had asked him how many times he was at her apt, he told me twice, the two times before D-day. Then to find out he went there AFTER D-day when I was barely staying alive, is so painful. When he swore to me so many times he had not seen OW except when she showed up at his work and one time when she showed up at the hotel where he was getting drunk...

He swears to me there was only one physical encounter, OW says it was two. I have intermittently considered a poly, which he says he will very willingly take. I just feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest once again. I pray for all of us who are hurt like this.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 388 | Registered: Feb 2013
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and now he is angry at me for being upset, says I am "twisting things." oh God


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 388 | Registered: Feb 2013
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holding back facts is NOT acceptable, but at this point, whether he did it 2x or 1x, went to her house 1x or 2x doesn't really mattered. He CHEATED PERIOD!

I know how you feel and I'd be devastated too.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1401 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
onedayatatime321
♀ Member
Member # 32585
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Edith, I am so sorry.... It does hurt and drags you back to DDay.

After 27 months, I found out 2 days ago that my FWH held back info and minimized lots of info. Now, I don't know if I want to try anymore.


Posts: 95 | Registered: Jun 2011
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last January,2.5 years into "R" I was told of a whole other AP/PA. It took place a few months prior to the one I discovered on dday#1`.

WH gets angry when I try and talk about it.."That was THREE years ago!!" and of course he can't answer any questions because it was "THREE years ago!" and he doesn't "remember."

I told him that day that I didnt see how I would ever trust him again..not after 2.5 years of him saying he was a new man,would never do it again,blah,blah,blah.

It's been 6 months. No matter what he has done(not much) the trust level is 0.


((((Edith)))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The cheating is one huge thing to deal with, as we all know. Putting the pieces together is a process we need to go through. When we think we have everything, and one more piece shows up, we must begin again.

It's true that cheating is cheating whether it happened once, twice or as in my case, thousands of times.

Maybe it doesn't matter in the big picture, but in my opinion, the lying AFTER dday certainly does.

Edith, your H didn't tell you about this information that he "just remembered" because he knew how you would react, so don't let him give you any lines about "being angry at you" or "twisting things".

After what we all have been through after dday, and having given the huge effort to reconcile, new information is more than a slap in the face.

I understand how you must feel crushed by this. He again risked destroying an already fragile you, and made contact. And he didn't even have the balls to tell OW the truth - that he chose you.

I have no patience for weakness of character like that.

He had better face up to this and quick.

And for what it is worth, don't believe anything a lying, cheating OW says.
They never say anything unless it is in their favour.

Hugs to you Edith. I'm sorry if I sound angry. It is because I am - for you.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 785 | Registered: Feb 2012
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just curious...how did he come to reveal this new info...did it just come up inconversation...did you ask him somthing...or did he just up and say "oh, by the way, i forgot to mention..." ??

This is what is so hard about post A...never really being able to let your guard down...always waiting for the unknown...

A little more than a year after dday and after I thought NC had been established , the OW called my H cell phone at a time when I just happened to be sitting there and heard her voice...he swars to this day, he had had had NC with her in over 6 months...she swore it was the first tiem she had tried to contact him in as long as well, but new info draws those same sickening feeling up again and it takes you back steps...


Posts: 605 | Registered: Nov 2010
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all. To answer your question, I work at home, he lost his job in April, so he is home. He came into my office today and said he had "remembered something." Then proceeded to tell me how he went there 3 yrs ago in April (our D-day was 2/28/2010). He had told me he needed time to clear his head and spent a few months in a hotel (real reason was to get drunk).

So out of the blue today he hits me with this information, I am trying my best to work through my tears because I have to support us. Told me how OW was discussing a vulgar topic with a friend who happened to be at the apt, H was repulsed by that sort of talk. Told me all this stuff and my head was swimming. He said he started to tell me last night when he first remembered, but I was in and out of sleep, he was afraid I would not remember what he said.

I know OW lie, this one is no exception. She wanted my life, divorced her husband thinking she was going to marry mine. It is just all such a sordid gross mess, I cannot believe it is even a part of my life.

Thank you my friends, I don't know what I would do without SI.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 388 | Registered: Feb 2013
PowerGlo
♂ Member
Member # 34132
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Man Edith I am so sorry. What the heck is he trying to accomplish by telling you this now? They just keep wanting to bring us down their rabbit hole of pain and guilt that they suffer with every day. I think it's a trait of all cheaters. There is absolutely nothing to be gained at all except to cause pain. I am so sorry you are brought right back to D-Day with this new admission of something he knew all along. They just don't have any understanding how devastating all of this is. I don't think they have the conscious or the moral compass to understand.


Married 27 years...
DDay #1 11/11/11 - AFF profile with 10-15 boy toys.
DDay #2 1/13/2012 - still at it with the AFF boys.
1/17/2014 - Divorced
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life


Posts: 133 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NW Indiana
ineedtoleave
♀ Member
Member # 29332
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, Edith, I don't buy that he 'just remembered'.


BS(me)-52
WH-59
OW-43(married ex-Co-worker)
Married 6 yrs
DD#1: 3/19/10
DD#2: 5/11/10
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Posts: 963 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Arizona
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think they have the conscious or the moral compass to understand.

I am an honest believer this ^ description what best describes my WH. He is always saying how he doesn't understand why we have to always talk about it (A) and that life is short.

Life is short

I guess that was probably my WH's reason for "why"

(((Edith))) I am so sorry any new info hurts. I just found out that my WH told MOW that I am a cutter (I am and still working on it in therapy), but I was never a cutter before all of this happened.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, Edith, I don't buy that he 'just remembered'

I know, I have asked him literally hundreds of times how many times he had been to that apt. Always, always the answer was twice. Now it is 3.

So the big deal for me is total honesty. If I react with pain, then maybe I will stop getting total honesty. Like I should be happy to hear this news because it is the truth. I just don't know which way is up anymore.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 388 | Registered: Feb 2013
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Put me in the group that doesn't believe that he 'just remembered'.

I don't really understand wrapping a truthful disclosure in a new(lame) lie... What is the point?!

and now he is angry at me for being upset, says I am "twisting things."

Not sure how you could 'twist' anything further than his ham handed 'just remembered' reveal.

How do your forget making a final 'closure'(with lies) trip to the OW place? He was probably in the affair mind set of 'what you don't know can't hurt you'-- or him. He thought he could bury the lie deep and not think about it again.

Doesn't sound like it worked out for him. Can I commend his desire to tell the truth, while at the same time deride the cowardly need to try to cover his further deception with memory loss?

I hope he mans up and owns it ALL the way...


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Question  Posted: 3:20 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Edith

I am sorry you are hurting and that you find yourself back revisiting old wounds.

(((hugs)))

Have you asked your husband why he felt compelled to tell you?

I get wanting to be honest but in reality how does this change anything 3+ years out? It only causes more pain and a stumbling block to your reconciliation.

For me at this point (1.5 years post DDay) I don't want to know anything else he might remember. I know enough. I have hurt enough. We are in the midst of reconciliation so my knowing something new will only cause more hurt, it won't help. It doesn't change the past.

I hope you can talk through this and really find out his motivation for telling you this now.

Healthy hugs....hang in there.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1219 | Registered: Apr 2013
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Again, all of you are wonderful. The reason he told me this is that he has a lifelong history of lying, about anything, everything, nothing, you name it. I contemplated D before his A because of his dishonesty, but decided I could deal with it because his lies were mostly about innocuous things.

Then when his A occurred, we realized that his lying behavior was the slippery slope. We had been told by therapists that he likely could not stop lying, since he has done it his entire life. He swears to me now that he has been honest, even though I ran across evidence to the contrary several months ago, resulting in a huge stumbling block, trip to the ER, it was awful.

So yes, I have to know the truth, but this is, in my mind, trickle truth, since I am not convinced he had forgotten it. The lie to OW was supposedly to get her to back off and go away, which of course was not the case.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 388 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 18

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